I lit a smoke the second I walked outside.
“You’re quiet this morning,” Karal said from behind me.
I stood in the grass in front of the porch, and Karal had herself propped against the railing.
“I’m not feeling so great. Just tired, I think.”
“I call bullshit.”
I shook my head, trying to smile. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. It’s been a long night.”
“All right.” She narrowed her eyes. “I understand.” She tilted her head to the side. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“Oh God, no. Not at all, honey.” I took a deep breath. “I’m just tired.”
She turned back toward the door, but stopped just before opening it. “You know I’m always here for you, right?”
“I know.” I nodded. “Thank you.”
Without any sleep, and the emotional turmoil of the past half hour, my body slowly began giving up the fight to stay awake. I never knew exhaustion like I had since I’d met Jesse. He was one hit after another to my psyche. And the further down my cigarette burned, the more I thought about how what had happened the night prior would affect our friendship.
I told myself over and over to let it go.
To be strong.
That it didn’t mean what I thought.
That his eyes hadn’t been tainted.
That I wasn’t scared or embarrassed or horrified.
And that he’d seen hundreds of naked women—perhaps I was no different.
But I couldn’t be strong. I couldn’t bear that façade. Not after being awake for twenty-four hours and spending twelve of them with a man who made my head spin just by being next to me.
“I brought you some coffee.” His voice was low and quiet, and shot pure adrenaline straight to my chest. I whipped around, scared by his voice, and gasped when my eyes met his.
His hair was wet, his eyes pink with exhaustion, and the same T-shirt he’d worn the night before hugged his chest. Maybe it was the fact that I’d spent the night with him under a blanket of darkness that made it easier to be with him, and now that it was light I felt exposed. Maybe it was the knowledge that after what had happened, he was still able to look at me and talk to me without cracking a joke about my weight. But I knew at that moment that there was no way I’d ever be able to look at that man and expect a different reaction from myself: my heart jumping and my gut fluttering.
He was perfection.
“Two creams, one sugar. Karalee told me.” He offered me the cup.
“Thanks.” I stomped out my cigarette and took the cup from his hands.
“I...um,” he began, pausing to shove his hands in his pockets. “I don’t know what happened this morning, but I want to talk to you about it.”
“Please, Jess. Don’t.”
His shoulders drooped and his eyes begged me to speak. “I didn’t mean to look. I promise. I’d just gotten here and I was looking for you. I had no idea you’d be…” he shrugged, “…naked.”
I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut. “Please! Just stop thinking about it. This is so fucking embarrassing.”
“But I don’t understand why it’s such a huge deal. It’s not like I walked in on you humping a pillow or jerking off a dog. You were just walking out of a lake.”
Trying not to smile, I glanced up at him. “No jokes, please. I can’t expect you to understand. If you’d lived the life I have, you’d get it.”
“That explains nothing, Red. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”
I shifted my weight, tilting my head to the side. “I’m not mad at you. It was an accident. It’s not the fact that you showed up here unexpected that bothers me. It’s just that we...” I stopped, not knowing how to phrase it. “You and I are good together. Perfect. I felt good about myself when I was with you.”
He walked down the steps, stopping a few feet from me, and lowered his voice. “And now?”
I cleared my throat, fighting my quivering chin. “And now I’m gross again,” I whispered.
His eyes widened in realization, and he took a step back. Looking out into the trees, he scratched his head. “Can I tell you something?”
I nodded, but he didn’t see me.
He continued anyway.
“I have a really shitty memory. But in the past few months, since I’ve met you, things have gotten clearer for me. I remember the first time I saw you. I remember our first conversation. I even remember what you were wearing when we stayed up all night at the park.” He walked over to the porch and took a cigarette from my pack and lit it. With the smoke swirling around him, he continued. “That doesn’t happen with me often. And last night, I had the cab drop me off a block away from here, hoping that the headlights didn’t give me away. I wasn’t sure if I wanted you to see me—”
My jaw dropped. “You took a cab! Jesus, how much did that cost you?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “Never mind that. Let me finish.”
I nodded. “Finish.”
He exhaled. “When I’m around you, you make everything lighter. You have this ability to take half the weight from my shoulders. The pain is a little easier to manage. I don’t know how you do it, but you do. And last night, I just wanted to be near you. When I walked up to the cabin, I still hadn’t decided whether or not I was going to let you know I was here. It was enough for me to know where you were. And every step I took toward this house made my life easier. Better.”
I couldn’t stop my tears from dropping, but I remained silent.
“And when I finally saw you, you were different. No,” he laughed, “not just because you were naked. But because whenever we’re together you’re always wearing baggy clothes, blushing, keeping your head down, and covering your mouth when you laugh. Last night, you’d changed. You were confident. Happy.” He swallowed thickly, hesitant to say the next words. “And I’ll be honest with you, Red. If no man had ever noticed how beautiful you were before yesterday, he would’ve been on his knees last night—in a second—begging for a night with you.”
I covered my face, trying to calm my tingling fingertips, and turned away from him to hold my stomach. I paced along the grass, trying to compose myself and fighting the instinct to run away. I probably looked like a crazy person.
“I’m sorry,” he added. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that. But I have a feeling you needed to hear it more than I needed to keep it for myself.”
“Please, stop talking,” I managed to say. I was grateful, overwhelmed, and petrified. “I can’t hear any more, I’m sorry,” I cried, walking up the steps and back into the house.
I ran through the kitchen, passing Karal and Angie but not bothering to speak. If they knew what was best for everyone, they’d pretend they never saw me. Thankfully, they let me pass and run upstairs to the loft.
I shoved everything in my suitcase, zipped it, and hauled it downstairs. With glossy red eyes, I set my stuff down in front of Karal and gave her a hug, then did the same to Angie. “Thank you. I’m going to go now.”
“You haven’t slept!” Karal said. “Are you sure you can drive? Maybe you should lie down for a few hours before you leave. Rest.”
“Yeah,” Angie cut in. “What’s the rush?”
“Too much fresh air. Too much—”
“Too much Jesse?” Karal said, nodding in understanding. “At least grab something to eat for the road. And there’s pop in the fridge. Take some caffeine.”
“I’ll get it,” Jesse’s voice called from behind me as the screen door shut behind him.
I stood frozen as he gathered sodas and a bag of chips and tucked them under his arm.
“Can I catch a ride home from someone?”
My stomach lurched again because I knew how painful a ride home with Angie would be for him, but I really didn’t want to talk to him. There was too much to explain, and I wasn’t ready.
“Go with Charlie,” Angie said. “You look a little less frazzled than she does
right now. Maybe you could drive part of the way.”
Karalee nodded quickly and then looked to me to make sure I was okay with it. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t be, could I?
“I’ll drive, you sleep.” Jesse nudged his chin. “All right?”
I looked away, slightly nodding. “All right.”
“Have a safe trip. Call me when you get home,” Angie shouted as I walked out the door.
I threw my suitcase in the back of the car and got in the passenger seat, reaching over to put my key in the ignition.
Jesse got in and adjusted the seat, pausing with his hands on the wheel. “You sure you’re okay with this?”
“Just drive, please,” I pleaded.
He motioned to speak but nothing came out. Instead, he turned the key and put the car into drive.
Chapter Fourteen
Charlie
For the first twenty minutes I had the music blaring unbearably, not giving him a chance to speak. But I knew that could only last so long. By the time we got onto the freeway, he turned it off.
“What happened?” he asked. “What did he do to you?”
“I don’t know what you’re asking.”
He scratched his arm and cracked his neck to one side. “Charlie, I’m not stupid. When a guy tells a girl she’s beautiful, the normal reaction would be a hug or a kiss, or at the very least a ‘thank you.’ I’m not saying I need those things from you, but I will say that whatever that was back there was some scary shit. I saw the fear in your eyes. I saw you run. That’s as bizarre as it gets.”
I shrugged. “I’m just not used to compliments.”
“Oh no. That went way beyond not taking the compliment. Is it someone in your family? Someone from school—”
“Maybe I’m not ready to tell you.”
“Then help me understand.”
“What do you want from me? What?” I begged. “Are we friends? Is that all you want?”
“I don’t know. Up until this morning I thought I knew. But now…”
“Now what? What was I to you up until this morning?”
He gripped the steering wheel tighter and glanced at me sideways, thinking about the question. But whatever his answer, he wasn’t ready to give it to me.
“You can’t even answer that simple question, can you? You have no idea what you want.”
“Wrong question, Red.” His shoulders softened and he wiped his brow. “You don’t know what you want. And I don’t know why you’re still here with me.”
My chin quivered but I refused to cry. “I frustrate you, right?” I whispered.
“And I make you sad,” he said.
“I’m no one,” I retorted.
His eyes glossed over. “And I’m nothing.”
“Don’t do this,” I snapped.
He shook his head and his jaw flexed. After a minute of silence, he whispered, “Birds of a feather.”
I shut my eyes, resting my head against the window. Memories of my past jumbled in my mind, pushing them into the forefront. Things I’d hoped to forget and that I’d never have to explain to anyone. Everyone had thoughts that they vowed they’d take to the grave, swearing on their lives that no one ever needed to know. There were a lot of people I had tried to forget.
But how important was he to me? He was going to leave and never return if I didn’t offer him some kind of an explanation. Acting irrational was only painful for those around me, because to me it all made sense. It was all I knew.
His hand reached across the seat and he laced his fingers between mine. “You shake so bad sometimes.”
My chin quivered. “I know what I want. But most days it feels impossible.”
“What do you want?” he asked, soothing my hand with his thumb.
“I want to feel good about myself.”
“What stops you?”
I hesitated. “Almost everything. The mirror. Seeing a happy couple walk into the restaurant. Pretty people. Skinny people. People smiling. Laughter. Anything I can’t have, or shouldn’t have.”
“Why can’t you have those things?”
I lifted my head to look at him. “Because I don’t deserve them.”
He shook his head. “Why? Who says?”
I closed my eyes again and turned my head away. “Everyone.”
“Not me. I don’t say.”
I pulled my hand from his and rubbed my arms with a shiver. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to pretend that the weekend had never happened and go back to the way things were before. My head pounded, my stomach growled, and my eyes could barely stay open.
“I can’t trust you,” I whispered. I cleared my throat and spoke louder. “No matter what you say now, you’ll end up making me feel ugly. And I just don’t know if I have it in me to scrape myself off the pavement again. I’m sick of fighting. I’m sick of allowing everyone into my heart only to have them use something I’ve said against me.”
“You think I’ll hurt you?”
“Chances are good.”
“What happened? Dammit, Charlie! You can’t sit back and blame me for something that hasn’t happened yet. And I’m sure as hell not going to let you pin something on me that happened years before we met. So start talking and make me understand. Because you’re acting like a fucking child—”
“I was raped, you asshole! In every way someone can be,” I screamed. “I’ve been stripped of my pride, my dignity, my virginity, my self-esteem, and my self-worth. And the closer I get to you, the more I see it happening all over again. I see every man that’s ever taken something away from me to never find it again. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’ve got nothing left to give.”
He ground his teeth together and his nostrils flared. “Who was it?”
“Which one?” I was still shouting from the adrenaline.
His head jerked to the side with a glare.
I exhaled, simmering my temper. “That one was a friend of the family. I was nine.” I exhaled. “The others were years and years of systematically beating me down. Classmates. Teachers. Kids on the bus. Everywhere,” I slurred, my body giving in to sleep. “I barely go anywhere outside of work anymore. I can’t bear it. The names, the stares, the giggles. I know people are teased every day and they get over it. But I’m different. I know it sounds strange, but I can feel their words. Not like you do—not like when someone says something that hurts your feelings and it stings a little. Mine is like I’m inside their head. I hear the words they want to call me before they say them. I’m on the other side looking at myself with them. I feel how much they hate me.” My eyes grew lazy, shutting on their own accord from the exhaustion.
“So that’s it?”
I kept my eyes shut, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Do I need to have more?”
“No, I meant… That’s it? That’s what your life is going to be like forever? Hiding from everything?”
I shrugged. “I hide because suicide is no longer an option. It was in high school,” I said, each word slower than the one before it. “Tried and failed several times. But I can’t seem to do it now. So I just muddle through.”
The vibration of the car and the whir of the wind lulled me to sleep.
“Evolution,” I mumbled, slipping into the darkness behind my eyes.
“What?” he said.
“Adapt to survive,” I added, barely audible. “The shaking, the panic, the words. Too much…” I trailed off, not remembering if I said anything more.
***
“Charlie. Time to wake up.”
Minutes or hours had passed, I wasn’t sure. I peeled open an eyelid and looked around. We were in the Cities again.
“How long was I asleep?”
“Over an hour. We’re close to my place.”
I shook the sleep from my head and rolled down the window in the hopes that I’d perk up. The last few minutes to his house were quiet.
He pulled into the driveway and turned off the car, chewing the inside of his cheek. I didn’t have anythi
ng more to say to him, and with the past few minutes of clarity I had realized I’d probably said too much already.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said.
“There isn’t anything to say. I just wanted you to try to understand why I reacted the way I did this morning.” I tapped my temple and smiled. “Fucked up. And I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed. Maybe this is how everyone lives and I’m just overreacting.” I laughed. “It’s totally possible.”
“I don’t live like that.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just don’t understand how you can believe that people are good and in one breath say that love exists, and the next minute you’re saying that people suck and you can’t trust anyone. It’s a contradiction. You can’t love and hate people at the same time.”
“I don’t hate anyone. Love is an easy thing to give when you can see who they really are deep down. Love has always been easy. Trust is the thing that gets me into trouble.”
“What happens when you trust?”
I took a deep breath. “I haven’t done it in a while, so I guess we’re about to find out.”
“No.” He shook his head at the realization I was talking about him. “You don’t want to trust me. I’m an asshole. Look, I promise I won’t say anything to anybody about this, but I’m not the kind of guy you should be confiding in. I’ve got a lot of problems myself. I can’t devote the kind of time to you that you want. Or that you deserve. I’m really not a good friend.”
I wasn’t sad by his words, I was partly relieved. “Yeah, I noticed.” But I knew he wanted to be a friend, he just didn’t understand how. “So we’re not friends then?”
His brow furrowed and he tapped on the steering wheel. “I don’t know if we should be—”
I nodded, but felt the pull of his words into me, and I began to smile before he could finish his sentence.
“But it’s too late now,” he added quickly.
Leaning over the seat, he looked for my approval before softly kissing my cheek. And with all that had transpired over the past twelve hours, I barely flinched at the contact. “See you soon, Red.”
I smiled. “See you soon.”
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