Jesse
Five weeks, maybe six. I lost count.
I’d seen Charlie at the restaurant. I’d seen the dirty hippie come and go, taking her places she’d never been, showing her things she’d never seen, putting his hands on parts of her body that no one had ever touched before.
And I stomached my grief.
I tried like hell to not let it bother me. And to her defense, she didn’t bring him into the restaurant often. But the rumor was that they were a couple, and I’d pretended as though that meant nothing to her. Or me.
I kept my distance. I didn’t speak to her, and stayed away from the bar after my shifts. I cashed out my tips with management in back, and didn’t visit the hostess desk anymore.
I missed her.
But I had no right to miss her.
While I’d spent weeks away from her over the course of the past several months, she’d been alone too. It was only her right to experience the kinds of things I had—no matter how I felt about it.
But goddamn, it hurt.
It hurt because of the things he could do for her that I couldn’t. It hurt that she preferred his company over mine. And it hurt that he was going to be the one to take her virginity, if he hadn’t already, and I had no idea where his intentions lay.
There were few men I’d met that could’ve earned something so noteworthy. Charlie wasn’t a girl to play with. She was soft, sincere, honest, and good. Dammit, she was good. And I didn’t know if he was good enough for her.
Then again, I wasn’t either.
I’d played those thoughts over in my head every day for the past few weeks, wondering how I’d gotten to that point. Jake gave me shit about not sleeping with anyone, and all I could do was jerk off in my shower to ease the restlessness about it.
She was where I worked. I’d brought her into my mind, my bed, and my shower. She lived inside of me, whether she liked it or not. And I couldn’t seem to get rid of her.
She was everywhere.
I’d skipped my meds for several weeks and fought the anticipation of when I’d cycle again: the Madness, the Whirl, the Grim. None of it seemed bearable without her beside me. She may have worked in the same restaurant, but she was nowhere near me anymore.
She was gone. I’d lost her.
I’d taken for granted the reprieve I’d gotten just by having her around. I hadn’t experienced silence alone like I had with her. To escape the rapid thoughts and sluggish movements for a while was something I needed more of. There was no telling how long she’d stay away, or if she’d ever return to me.
One thing was for certain: I’d always crave those quiet nights in the park when I didn’t have to think about anything. My life had exhausted me, and Charlie had swept in and made it better for a while.
But she’d made her choice the night she went on her date. I had never been so simultaneously proud and pissed off at anyone in my entire life.
***
“You wanna go out tonight?” Jake asked as I walked down the steps and picked up the controller next to him.
“Nah. No thanks.” I hit the start button and joined in. “No Julie tonight?”
He didn’t answer right away. “No. We broke up.”
“She finally figure out you were cheating?”
“Believe it or not, no. I don’t think she knew. She just said that she didn’t think we were meant to be.”
I paused the game and looked over at him. “You okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
I scratched my jaw. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Definitely not. Keep your head down, keep moving, right?” He laughed, but his mouth turned down. “How are you and Charlie?”
The mention of her name made my jaw flex involuntarily. “We’re not.”
He nodded, looking down in thought. After a minute, he shook his head. “Don’t overthink it.”
“That’s the problem, though, isn’t it?” I laughed. “I haven’t thought about anything for a long fucking time. Not anything that mattered, anyway. I haven’t taken the time to think about anything but myself. What ever happened to mowing the neighbor’s yard? Or helping a senior citizen across a busy street? What about volunteering to help save the frogs in an abandoned park just because they couldn’t save themselves?”
“Frogs?” Jake shook his head. “And what do you mean ‘what happened?’” he laughed. “Real life isn’t fucking Cub Scouts, asshole. No one is giving you a patch for Mom to sew on afterward. If you’re not going to get anything for it, then why would anyone possibly waste the time? What could dwelling on Charlie possibly do for you? What could it do for anyone else? If you had no intentions of putting a ring on her finger, then who gives a fuck?”
The Christmas tree in the corner flickered, and my focus blurred. “Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.”
“Man,” Jake chuckled. “We suck.” He swept his hair back. “Let’s go back to our single days. You know, like in the spring when we were partying every night and getting laid. Back before Julie and Charlie even existed.”
I threw the controller onto the couch and raked my hands through my hair. “Some things you just can’t come back from. Not when you’ve gotten a glimpse of how great things could be.”
“That’s uncharacteristic of you to say. A little optimistic, don’t you think?”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
“Well!” Jake stood, shaking off the mood. “Let’s do something besides sitting down here acting like losers. Let’s get drunk or something.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I have two problems with what you just said. The first being that drinking alone in our basement would do nothing to solve the loser problem we’ve got. And the second is that we always play video games. So either way, the action would be counterproductive.”
Jake laughed. “Let’s go to The Crimson, then. We’ll hang out in the bar so you can watch her—like the loser you long to be—and I can get drunk. At least we’d be out of the house,” he begged.
“I don’t want to go to my work. I spend enough time there trying to dodge her.”
“So show her you don’t give a shit. Don’t let her think she’s got the upper hand here. You’re Jesse Anders. You could get laid in a prison!”
My eyes shifted around the room before narrowing at Jake. “I don’t think that saying works in this situation.”
“Whatever. You know what I mean. Grow some fucking balls, like the sac you used to have!”
I considered the options. It wouldn’t hurt to go just to see if Charlie was there. But if she was with the scrawny hippie, I’d feel much differently about it. Jake was an instigator; I knew that by now. But was he right?
“I’ll just stay here and work on the song,” I said.
He bobbed his head with an exaggerated sigh. “What’s up with that song, Jess? You work on it constantly.”
I shrugged. “It’s nothing. It just gives me something to do. It’s gotta be perfect.”
“Why?” His hands flew up.
“It just does. Maybe someday I’ll become famous because of it. Or maybe she’ll want to know how I felt—”
“The song is for Charlie?” he stopped me. “You’ve been working on that thing for three months now. Never mind,” he added quickly. “I don’t think we should go to The Crimson tonight. Let’s go somewhere else. I’m going to call T and get some weed. We can figure out the details on the way to his house.”
I laughed. “Fine. I can do that.”
***
We hung out at Casper’s Lounge for a while—a dive bar close to home, listened to some horrible karaoke, and drank a gallon of cheap beer. We’d snuck out to the car three separate times to smoke T’s weed, and I was sufficiently fucked.
It wasn’t until I got out of the car that I realized Jake had driven us to The Crimson.
But by that point, I didn’t care. My mind spun in every direction, and there was a part of me convinced that if I saw her I’d be able to handle my
self appropriately.
Angie glared at us, grabbing two beverage napkins from the serving station, and slowly walked to our booth.
“Hey, foxy,” I said, my mind slower than I was accustomed to it being.
She rolled her eyes. “Let me guess: beer? Looks like you two have had enough already.” She set her hands on her hips. “You’re drooling a little.”
I wiped my mouth. “Yes, Angela. Two microbrews for my friend and me.”
Her eyes shifted to the corner. “Coming right up,” she mumbled and walked away.
“Dude, Jess.” Jake nudged his chin to the corner. “She’s here.” He smiled, staring at Charlie. “And she’s alone.”
She’d lost more weight. More weight than looked healthy on her. Her cheekbones were defined, and her elbows were pointy. Her collarbones stuck out, and though I had a strange angle, her breasts were half the size that I remembered.
She’d looked better a month ago.
I cleared my throat, fighting the vomit that crept up. “So she is.” I shrugged, looking away.
“She’s fucking hot. Holy shit!” Jake whispered, leaning over the table to get a better look at her.
“Knock it off, motherfucker. Sit down. Leave her alone.” I didn’t feel so good about being there anymore—not with Jake’s reaction, nor surprisingly, my own. “We’ll just drink our beers, go home, and crash.”
“Why don’t you invite her over?” Jake asked.
“I haven’t talked to her in weeks. And we didn’t exactly part on good terms. She’s got a boyfriend now.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I can see why.”
Her head was down as she scribbled in a notebook. Red glasses rested on the tip of her nose, and a glass of water sat on her table next to a pack of Marlboros.
“Ignore her,” I said, then slammed back the mug of beer that Angie had dropped off.
“She has to have lost at least a hundred p—”
“Ignore her,” I yelled, drawing the attention of the people in the bar.
Charlie’s eyes met mine briefly before I looked away.
Shit.
“Hurry up and drink your beer so we can go,” I said, sobering quickly at the thought of Charlie joining us.
No matter how much I wanted to talk to her, I didn’t want to subject her to my mess, or to my salivating cohort, Jake.
“She’s grabbing her shit and getting up,” he said, making it obvious he was staring at her.
“Stop looking at her, man. Let her go.”
Jake laughed. “You just told me…” he continued, taking breaths between laughter. “You just told me to let her go.”
“Hey.” Her voice made my eyes shut, and I refused to look at her. She stood at the end of the booth, and with my head down I had a perfect shot of her thighs.
Too skinny, Red. Where did my Charlie go? What is she doing to herself?
My stomach turned with three hours’ worth of liquor, and my head spun from the weed.
“Hey, sweetie,” Jake purred, causing another lurch.
“Excuse me,” I said, stumbling toward the restrooms.
I tripped over someone’s foot on the way there, and would’ve puked on the spot if I hadn’t held my stomach until I got into the stall.
The filthy floor under my knees added to my nausea and I threw up repeatedly, emptying the contents of my stomach. Even after that was done, I continued to spew bile that stung the back of my throat.
She was there. She was within my grasp. She was alone.
But she wasn’t mine.
She’d made up her mind, and she hadn’t chosen me.
Whiz, whiz.
Chirp.
Swish, swish.
Honk.
I lifted myself from the floor and washed my mouth out repeatedly, spitting into the sink. The song hadn’t left me alone for a long time, and I knew why. I just didn’t want to admit to myself that I was holding onto something that had never belonged to me.
With a clearer head, I walked back into the restaurant. Ten minutes had passed and I expected her to be gone, but she sat in my seat, giving Jake a courtesy laugh that I hadn’t seen since the night we met.
Both of the thoughts made me smile: the night we first met and the fact that she didn’t really find Jake amusing.
“There he is,” she said sadly, trying to smile. Her deep blue eyes settled into mine, and I looked away quickly.
“Sorry about that. It’s been a big night,” I said, fighting my frown.
I sat beside her so I didn’t have to look at her, and drank the rest of my beer in one gulp. Waving to Angie to get me another, I bounced my knee under the table as I waited for someone to say something.
It was agony. Should I have apologized for my behavior the last time we spoke, or had too much time passed? She was there. She sat right next to me, and I had an opportunity to say what I needed to say. But there was so much.
Jake’s presence presented a challenge, though. There was no way I could’ve said the things I wanted to in front of him.
And the truth was that I was still mad. I was mad at her for choosing that asshole over me. I was mad that she’d lost so much weight, making her almost unrecognizable. I was pissed that she’d left me alone when she’d said she would stay.
“Stop this,” she whispered from the corner of her mouth, resting her hand on my knee. I flinched at the burn and ground my teeth.
“Happy birthday, Jess.” She smiled. “I was hoping I’d see you here tonight.”
“Oh shit!” Jake laughed. “I forgot it was your birthday! But don’t worry, you don’t look a day over forty.”
“I’m twenty-six, asshole.”
Charlie giggled. “I didn’t think you’d come, so I set your gift back in Delivery. Not sure if you got more than one, but mine is the red one with a white bow.” She winked.
My chest caved, and my head swam with how sickeningly sweet the girl was. “You got me a birthday gift?”
“Of course. Well, it’s sort of a Christmas-birthday combo gift,” she added, waving her hand. “Sorry. Tips sucked this week.”
I blinked slowly, keeping my head down. “When is your birthday?” I asked.
She nervously chuckled and looked away. “It was in July.”
“Because, you know, friends are supposed to know stuff like that. Right?” I was dizzy, trying to keep all of the emotion away, but it all flooded in and washed away any rational thought. The Madness, the Whirl, the Grim all came at once, I remembered every minute I’d spent with her, as painstaking as it was.
A goddamn montage of Charlie swept through my mind: Charlie at the park, Charlie at the cabin, the lake, the silence, the frogs, the hippie, the phone numbers, the grass…
I pushed up from the booth and jogged to the back. Sure enough, a large red package with a white bow sat on the Delivery desk. Ben stood talking on the phone, and he cocked his head when he saw my bloodshot eyes.
…Her bed, her painting, her thighs, her panties, her car, the men’s bathroom sign…
Ben covered the receiver with his hand and whispered, “Jess, you can’t be back here. You’re not punched in and you’re fucked up.”
I shook my head and grabbed the package, ripping it open. Red paper flew all over the kitchen.
…the beach, the shell in my palm, the stars, the night, the day, the red dress, the heat, the cabinet, Mandy, the frying pan, the barn, Lily…
“Fuck,” I whispered, taking the box from the wrapping paper. Flipping it over, I gripped the ends tightly, looking down at the gift.
A clear chessboard lined with plastic, one side set in crystal and the other in black pewter.
I don’t know where I went in that moment, but I wasn’t inside myself.
I wasn’t even outside myself.
I was nowhere.
I was everywhere.
I was gone.
Chapter Three
Charlie
I shouldn’t have gone that night. I knew when I saw him that he was dr
unk. I should’ve left when he shouted from across the bar.
But I hadn’t.
My mistake.
My stupid, naïve mistake.
My head spun, my stomach churned, and I didn’t want to open the kitchen doors. He’d stumbled to get there, desperation in every step. Jake hadn’t noticed because he didn’t have a clear angle, but I’d heard Jesse’s voice. I’d seen him grab his chest when I’d mentioned the present.
I approached the doors quickly, with Jake following closely behind. Angie stood at the expo line, and when she saw the determination and worry in my eyes, she set a plate of food down to join us.
I swung open the doors. Ben was on the phone, but his attention wasn’t on his conversation. Focused on something in the corner just out of my sight, Ben’s eyes were hooded with concern and his lips were parted in confusion.
I took a ragged breath and another step into the kitchen.
On his knees, Jesse was on the floor. Pieces of red wrapping paper and one white bow lay scattered around him. He was still, and his eyes were empty.
I fought the dizziness, the shooting pain in my side, and the words that I suddenly wanted to blurt.
Help me.
Everything had been okay. Our friendship had seen some tough times, but I still cared. I’d always care. I thought that the chessboard would’ve been a peace offering—a way to tell him that I still gave a shit, that he was worth the effort. We’d gone through so much since spring, it felt like a lifetime ago.
The four of us stood staring down at Jesse, waiting for him to speak.
I wanted to grab his arm and lead him away from the scene he’d created, take him to the parking lot or lock him in the employee bathroom. I didn’t want anyone seeing him like that. If he had been in his right mind, he wouldn’t have stood for it.
I took a step forward and he didn’t flinch. So I took another.
“Jess?” I whispered, and my head fought another round of spins.
He had a strange sort of smile on his face as he mumbled a few words. His hands gripped the edges of the chessboard so tightly that his fingers shook.
“You need to get out of here,” I added.
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