She handed me my money with a harsh sigh, letting me know she wasn’t in the mood for our conversation.
“Don’t do this, Charlie. Please.”
“What do you want from me, Jesse?”
“You. I want you,” I said. My chest burned with the words as my heartbeat rattled inside my chest. “I want you in my life. I want you in my bed. I want you in my mouth. I want your words and your thoughts and your mind and your body.” I talked until I ran out of breath, and then I started again despite her tears. “I’ve wanted you since the day we met. And I don’t want to let another day or night or hour or minute slip by knowing I could’ve done something about it if I’d only just said it,” I added, exhausted from the past few seconds’ worth of outburst. “So I’m saying it.”
Angie walked past the bar and stopped when she saw me. Her eyes went to Charlie’s, then back to mine. Acknowledging that Charlie was okay, she nodded and went back to her tables.
“But I told you what would happen if we—”
“Fuck that. I don’t care what we’ve said up until this moment. We’ve talked a lot, Red. Too much has been said and nothing has been done. Please,” I begged, lowering my voice to a whisper. “Come home with me tonight.”
With her arms covered in goose bumps, she shivered. “And then what?” she asked with a sniff. “Then we’ll just figure it out, huh?”
I took a step back. I wasn’t sure what she was asking, but I didn’t like the look in her eyes.
“Are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend? Are you going to take me on dates?” She sniffed again. “Woo me, marry me, get a job, buy me a house, and we could have two point four temperamental children running around our white-picket-fenced-in yard?” She laughed sardonically. “You’re going to take care of me, Jess?”
I shook my head. “Is that what you want me to do?”
“I don’t want you to do anything,” she said, wrapping her arms across her chest. “Don’t you see? You haven’t thought this through. I come home with you tonight, and tomorrow I’m just another phone number. Why would I do that to myself?”
“Is that what you think you’d be?” My eyes widened. “Is that really what you think I’d do?”
“Chances are good.” Her chin quivered.
“You can’t blame me for something that hasn’t happened yet, Charlie,” I whispered, taking a step toward her. “Please. Give me a chance.”
She shook her head and the tears spilled from her eyes.
“Is this about what I said? What I said on my birthday? Because I don’t remember saying those words, Charlie. I swear to you. I don’t believe I said them.”
“It’s because of all of it—”
“I love you,” I blurted out.
She shook her head and covered her face. “You don’t. You think you do, but you don’t.”
I took a step back again and my stomach sank. If only she’d been inside my head for the past few months, if only she truly knew what she meant to me, she’d know her words weren’t true. She’d said them to hurt me or she’d said them because she didn’t want to believe me, but I had no choice but to repeat myself.
“I love you,” I whispered.
She stared at the floor, not budging in her conclusion, and there was nothing more I could do. I’d told her how I felt, and all I could do was wait.
Several slow seconds passed, and when it was clear she had nothing more to say, I nodded. “Here. Give this to your dad.” I set the envelope on the counter and walked out the front door.
Chapter Five
Charlie
“Hey?” Angie said.
I turned quickly, tearing my eyes away from Jesse’s fading silhouette in the parking lot. I’d followed him outside, but I hadn’t strayed from the sidewalk. “Hey.” I cleared my throat.
She held the door open, shivering, and the snow gathered on my shoulders. “Get back in here. You’ll freeze.” She tilted her head. “You okay?”
Reluctantly, I walked back in with my head spinning at Jesse’s words. “I think so.”
She sighed. “Are you going to the patio party in a few weeks?”
My eyes still searched for him through the window, but they never found him. “The what?”
“The patio party. You know, the grand opening of the patio?”
I closed my eyes. “It’s already that time of year?”
“I think this is just a freak storm. It’s supposed to be in the seventies next week.”
Twelve months had flown by; so much had happened. The person I was at that moment was so different from the one I’d been the last time I’d gotten dressed up for that stupid party.
I remembered thinking Wow, seventeen pounds. That’s how much I had lost by the same time last year. I’d dressed up for him. I’d wanted him to want me. I’d wanted to feel like I was worthy. And as I looked down to my arms, half the size they were last year, the number that came to mind was one hundred and twelve.
The skin under my arms sagged, and the stretch marks on my belly had shrunk. My double chin had vanished and my cheekbones defined my face, making my eyes appear larger. Replacing my beloved ice cream with water had brightened my skin, and the necklaces, bracelets, and rings I’d gotten my whole life for birthdays and holidays now hung from my body with room to spare. A second-hand store had replaced all of my size 26 clothes with size 8s, and I’d never felt more beautiful in my life.
Or as empty.
My stomach pulled and twisted, and a lump formed in my throat.
“Thinking about Jesse?” Angie asked.
I’d always want Jesse. I’d always want him the way I wanted him that night on the patio so long ago. He’d always hold that intrigue for me. “As always,” I whispered.
“What’s in the envelope?” she asked, nudging her chin toward the counter.
I walked over and lifted the flap.
I pushed out a breath and tucked the flap back in. “Money he owed my dad, and…”
“And?”
“And a red queen,” I whispered. I looked at the ceiling, keeping the tears at bay. “A red queen from my chessboard.”
She took a step toward me and set her hand on my shoulder. “What happened to his…?” She paused and looked down.
“What? What happened to what?”
Her eyes shifted toward the kitchen. “I went back there to get a salad tonight and he’d just punched out. He wasn’t wearing a shirt.”
I raised a brow. “So?”
She exhaled, tugging on her lip. “His chest is covered in burn scars.”
I gasped, my hand covering my mouth. “It is?” With glossy eyes I shook my head, and her words sent a shiver down my spine. “Are you sure they were burns?”
“I’m no expert, but those weren’t knife or bullet scars, Charlie. They weren’t new, either. They were the color of his skin. Like he’d grown up since they happened,” she whispered.
Oh God.
“You can go home now, Charlie!” Adam said, startling us and wiping my name from the seating chart.
Angie looked at me, and without a word exchanged, her eyes told me she understood. She nodded and rubbed my shoulder. “Go.”
“But if I go, he’s going to think…”
“Stop thinking about everyone else for once! Think about you. What do you need?” Her eyes pleaded with me. “Let him think what he wants. He’s going to anyway.” She laughed without humor. “Look, I’ve known you for almost twenty years, Charlie. I don’t have a single memory without you in it. We grew up together.” She took my hands in hers. “And I’ve never seen anyone transform like you have. I know why you wanted him. I always knew.”
I furrowed my brow and shook my head. “What do you mean?”
She frowned with a nod. “Because he’s a bully. He’s every guy who’s ever teased you, left fat jokes in your locker or bags of food on your seat. And Jesse gave you whatever answer you were looking for as to why mean people do what they do.” She grinned. “He’s an asshole
who happened to fall in love with you. And look at you.” A wide smile stretched across Angie’s face. “You’re gorgeous.”
I nodded, another shiver running over my arms as she pulled them out at my sides.
“You’re a different person now,” she added. “No one can tell you that you aren’t good enough. And you can’t tell me that you haven’t thought about his timing.”
“What? What do you mean?”
She rolled her eyes. “One of the sexiest sons a’bitches in the fucking state suddenly wants you in his bed. Now? After all this time? Now that you’re half the size you were, you’re suddenly worthy. Can’t you see, Charlie? He’ll be using you as much as you’ll be using him.”
“I can’t justify playing with his emotions like that. Not when a night like that could hurt him more.”
She shook her head. “He’s still a bully. He’ll always be an asshole. Do what you have to do,” she said. “Just be careful. Look out for yourself. Stop thinking about how everyone else is going to feel about it—starting with Jesse Anders.”
I couldn’t argue with her but I couldn’t admit it, either. Jesse and I were never that black and white, but I certainly hadn’t considered that was who he was for me. Maybe everything I’d done over the past year was to get to that point. Maybe Ryan had even been some kind of stepping stone in my subconscious, thinking I needed experience before engaging in a night with Jess.
If this was some kind of test for myself, I was failing. I had no idea what to do.
Jesse meant a lot to me, in more ways than I’d ever fathom. He’d been everything I’d thought about for a year. Through every lost pound. Every counted calorie. Every anxiety attack. Every heartbeat. And I wanted nothing more than to be with him.
My instincts weren’t always right, but I found myself grabbing my purse and running out the door anyway.
***
Jesse’s car was the only one in the driveway, and I walked into his house without knocking. The snow had stopped, and the brown grass was draped in white. I was met with silence in the entryway, but I heard my own heartbeat thump inside my ears. A dark stairwell led up the steps to the kitchen, but a light shone from underneath the door at the bottom of the steps.
Taking the stairs down slowly, I checked my hands. Still good. The closer I got, the more mumbling I heard, then pieces of paper crumpling. I set my hand on the knob and took two long breaths.
I opened the door and he didn’t see me right away. He sat in the corner at a desk, with his hand furiously scribbling something on a piece of paper. His knee bounced, his hand trembled, and a small lamp shone a dim spotlight onto his pages.
I could have turned around. Maybe I should have. If I’d had any foresight about that night, I would’ve seen that nothing good would come of my being there. But I wanted to show him it didn’t always have to be like it was between us. He’d had times when he understood me like I understood him. We’d laughed in desperate times and cried in happy ones. We’d seen a part of each other that we’d shown no one else.
But my presence rode a slippery slope. In his mind, there could only be one reason I was there. But declaring my love for him was the furthest thing from my mind.
With bad, there was good.
With light, there was dark.
With always, there was never.
I cleared my throat and waited.
He froze, kept his head down, and stopped tapping his pen. His head turned first, and then his green T-shirt wrinkled as his whole body faced mine.
The pen dropped, his knee stopped, and his Adam’s apple bobbed with a deep swallow.
“Holy shit,” he whispered, blinking twice.
I’m selfish.
“You’re here,” he added.
I’m cruel.
“How did you…?”
But I’ve never needed anything more in my life.
“You asked,” I breathed, feeling dizzy. “So I came.”
I was selfish and cruel because beautiful boys like Jesse didn’t touch ugly girls like me. And I wanted one night with a man like him. I wanted to say fuck you to the Aaron Paulsons, the snickering mall-goers, and the whispering diners who’d always told me I was nothing. That I was nobody.
Angie was right: I was going to use him.
He stood, and then sidestepped the couch, quickening his pace. I backed up against the wall and closed my eyes, waiting for his breath on my lips. I’d barely inhaled before I felt it.
He cradled my cheeks roughly, his fingers slipping behind my ears. His jaw scratched my chin from days of not shaving, and his lips pried my mouth open.
Our first real kiss was everything I wanted it to be and everything it shouldn’t have been. His body responded to me, but not his mind. His delusions only fed into the thought that this would be forever, and I’d said goodbye to those delusions months ago.
He was rough, passionate, and untamed. His tongue swept over mine, and soon I felt his erection press against me.
My arms flew up over my head as he held my wrists firmly with one hand, his other finding the hem of my shirt.
“Jess,” I tried to say, turning my mouth away from his.
His fingertips had already found my bra, but he pulled back with my voice. We panted heavily, and his breath warmed my neck as he rested his forehead against my cheek.
“Take me to your bed,” I whispered.
He kissed my lips gently and took my hand as he led me up the steps.
Chapter Six
Jesse
My heartbeat raced so fast that I wasn’t sure if it was real. But I dared to let the moment reach for hope. I’d felt it in the way she kissed me back.
She’d whispered “Give me a minute” and slipped into the bathroom. I paced my room, waiting to hear the bathroom door open again.
I knew what she needed; I’d known her for a year. It would be challenging to say the least. I still couldn’t believe she’d walked into my house.
Charlie needed slow, passionate kisses. She needed my reassurance and my voice. Confidence, warmth, and comfort. She needed my head to be clear. I couldn’t give her any doubt that I was in the moment with her.
She’d been timid, like I thought she would be. I sensed her fear from behind the bathroom door. I wouldn’t pretend to know how much strength it took to bring her to me, but I’d have to show her that any hesitation she had about that night was wasteful.
The creak of the door sounded, and I turned to find her standing in my doorway. With her skin flushed, she leaned against the doorframe with her eyes down. She tugged at her lip, and for a moment I thought she’d changed her mind.
“Charlie?” I whispered.
She gave me a small smile and brought her eyes up to look at me. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and lifted her shirt over her head.
Standing in her black pants and a baby blue bra, she opened her eyes on an exhale.
Beautiful in her imperfections, Charlie’s arms carried extra skin, her stomach held the scars of years of abuse from herself and those around her. But those damn bright blue eyes stole the show. They always held the light I needed.
She dropped her shirt and walked to me.
“You’re beautiful,” I said.
She licked her lips to disguise her frown, and sniffed with a nod. “Take off your shirt,” she whispered.
I’d taken my shirt off for women before, but no one had seen me like the way I wanted Charlie to see me. A hundred women before her either didn’t care to ask or were too scared to know about the scars on my chest. Not even Bree had given a shit enough to ask.
I removed my green shirt and stood in front of her, baring the grease and cigarette burns given to me by my father. My heart pounded and I took a ragged breath. She closed the distance between us and swept her fingertips lightly across my chest, and I tried to stand tall as she took them in.
I fought the thoughts of my father’s face that surfaced behind my eyelids, and swallowed the rage that simmered just below my skin
. I knew it was going to be difficult to do this with Charlie, I just hadn’t realized how hard it would be.
I grabbed her wrist, loosening my grip when she gasped. I closed my eyes quickly and shook my head.
I wasn’t ready.
“Lay down,” I demanded.
She swallowed. “You’re going to be careful with me, right?” she pleaded on a whisper, unmoving.
Scar for scar, body for body, wound for wound, we were together. She was sensitive and I was volatile. But I needed this. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be all right. I’d always be okay if I could hear those words come from Charlie’s lips.
I nodded and unzipped her pants, then slid them down from her hips, past a matching pair of baby blue lace panties. On my knees, I lifted Charlie’s feet, one at a time, and slid off her pants. Starting at her kneecap I kissed gently, moving my lips up to her thighs.
I brought my eyes to hers. Her chest rose and fell quickly and her head tilted back at the feel of my mouth on her skin. I slipped my hands under the thin piece of material at her hips and let my fingers wander to her ass, up to her lower back, and down again.
With a tug, I brought her panties past her knees, and she rewarded me with a soft moan.
“Lay down,” I repeated.
She sat on my bed, and lay down on her back.
I took off the rest of my clothes and settled between her legs. Her hands wrapped around my back, and I tried to ignore her trembles as I brought my mouth down onto hers. The slow thrust of my hips pressed the tip of my cock inside her before I pulled back out again.
Her lacy bra rubbed against my chest and she brought her hips up to meet mine again. She moved her mouth away from mine to take a ragged breath.
So Charlie. So sweet. So insecure. And so mine.
I brought my mouth down, leaving a trail of warm kisses across her stomach and down between her thighs. Keeping my eyes on hers, I dragged my tongue along her sensitive slit. She mewled under me, and her hooded eyes never left mine.
“Delicious,” I whispered with a smile, watching her squirm.
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