Once home again, she packed, deciding to slip away without fanfare because Carola and her other friends all had their own Christmas plans anyway.
But, still, her mind turned to Isaac. Should she ring him too? It seemed appallingly rude not to. But then … Hayley. Bad news. Back to the hospital. A call might be intrusive. Then, while she was wrestling with these thoughts, she received a text from him. I wanted to return your call this evening but Mum and Dad have turned up. Argh! Will try later or tomorrow morning before hospital appointment. Things are a bit crazy. Hayley very emotional. xx
She gazed at the phone, trying to imagine seeing him and explaining her decision. It seemed trivial compared to everything else and would give him an additional thing to deal with when he so obviously had enough on his plate. She texted back: I have plans tomorrow. Don’t worry about me. I know you have a lot happening with Hayley and with Christmas at the pub. Her conscience twinged that she wouldn’t be there to help him with Christmas lunch but she could make the chocolate mousses and gingerbread people tomorrow afternoon and leave them in the fridge. The Christmas puddings were bought in ready-made and would only need heating.
Rather than bother Isaac with the staff rota she texted Baz to offer him her shifts while she was away. Baz had seriously overspent and was happy to take them.
Then she returned to the half-composed text to Isaac and rounded it out: I hope it goes well tomorrow at the hospital, and added two kisses to match his. She didn’t go back to her packing with quite the same gusto because the knowledge that she was getting further away from Isaac all the time encased her heart like ice.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Isaac drove back from the hospital while Hayley sobbed.
‘Sorry,’ she snivelled, blowing her nose. ‘I’m such a crybaby these days but it’s just the relief! I could have kissed the consultant when she said there were clear surgical margins and no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes, that I shouldn’t require further treatment apart from oestrogen blockers! I didn’t think I could bear it when they moved the appointment from yesterday to today and I had to wait yet another twenty-four hours to find out if I had a future. I even convinced myself that they’d done it because they were getting things in place to give me awful news.’
‘Me, too,’ Isaac admitted candidly. He’d tried to remain positive but the prospect of supporting Hayley through news of further surgery and worse had kept him awake last night. It had been great of his parents to turn up with flowers for Hayley but they’d stayed later than his dad could usually manage. The moment they’d left Hayley had collapsed, weeping that they were only being so kind to her because they thought her future bleak. They hadn’t been so supportive when she’d been his girlfriend. Between patting her shoulder and Doggo’s head as he circled anxiously, Isaac had run around checking deliveries and that Tina had everything in hand to open the pub. He’d never found the opportunity to talk to Lily.
Lily. Why had she called him yesterday? It was inconsistent with the distance she’d created between them. It burned that she’d reached out to him right when they were awaiting a call back from the hospital scheduling the new appointment, but missing that had been unthinkable. In the past couple of weeks he’d come to realise his mother had been right when she declared serious illness took over lives. It was appointments, appointments, appointments. Rescheduling even one of those appointments caused seismic shifts in the lives of all concerned.
Slowing the car for a junction he glanced at the clock on the dash. Tina had seemed to think she could cover for him this afternoon without asking an off-duty member of staff to give up part of their Christmas Eve, especially as so many wanted to be with their kids. If he could get Hayley settled, take Doggo for a run, get himself and Hayley a meal, shower and change he could get behind what was bound to be a crazily busy bar by six. The dining area was fully booked and Chef was prone to explosions if skilfully prepared food wasn’t instantly ferried to the diner awaiting it.
As he drove into the village, home after home twinkled with lights. The winter afternoon was already darkening but he spotted Lily’s purple hatchback coming towards him and slowed, flashing his lights, catching a glimpse of her waving before she swept by.
Was she off out on the town this evening? Maybe she was wearing that stunning blue dress that clung to her in all the right places. He tried to force the image from his mind because it went hand-in-hand with one of men hitting on her and fucksake that knotted his guts.
After a till-bustin’ Christmas Eve at The Three Fishes, Isaac began Christmas Day shattered.
However, he was conscious of a feeling of relief as he scrambled down to the kitchen to begin Christmas lunch. When Lily arrived this morning he could tell her that Hayley was on the road to recovery. His stint caring for her had a cut-off point at last. He’d be alone with Lily this morning. The stainless steel kitchen wasn’t the most romantic of surroundings but he wasn’t going to let that stop him telling her that he wanted to find a way to pursue what they’d begun in Switzerland.
Chef had left him turkey crowns, potatoes – already par-boiled – in the fridge, prepared veggies in bags, cold starters and a list of timings to follow. At the end of last night tables in the dining area had been pushed together to make one large one set with green crackers and red napkins, gold table confetti and white candles.
All he needed now was Lily.
But as ten o’clock passed and then ten thirty, his heart slithered slowly south.
Lily didn’t show.
The turkey crowns went in.
No Lily.
He checked his phone for messages: zip. He tried to call her and found himself talking to her voicemail. Giving way to anxiety, he sent her another text. Lily, are you OK? Please contact me when you get this message. Please call me. I don’t know how to contact your mums or sister to check you’re OK.
He heated the fat in the roasting tins for the potatoes.
Where was she?
He’d just decided to risking interrupting Carola’s Christmas Day to ask if she knew when he opened the dessert fridge and there they were: trays of chocolate mousses and gingerbread people. Slowly, he closed the door and returned dismally to his duties. She’d been and gone, probably yesterday. That must have been what she’d wanted to tell him when she rang.
Crappy Christmas, Isaac. Lily has found something better to do. Maybe when he’d seen her yesterday afternoon she’d been on her way to a hot date. Could be in bed with the man now. A cold sweat beaded his skin and he wished he could call back that sappy text.
Lily had chosen not to be here.
Isaac produced Christmas lunch for twenty people on autopilot. When Flora arrived she helped him while their parents looked after Jeremy and Jasmine at the gaily decorated table. ‘No Lily?’ she asked.
‘Nope,’ he said moodily. Flora didn’t press him for more. She simply kept smiling and ferrying plates and gravy boats.
Hayley had come down for lunch, happy and animated, beaming about the bliss of not having tubes stuck in her body putting simple things like a shower out of bounds. Isaac’s parents embarked on a discourse about their bathroom set-up for the less able, Don from Acting Instrumental chimed in about how awkward personal hygiene arrangements had been when he’d had his wrist in a cast, Jeremy and Jasmine pulled every cracker on the table and Isaac went through it all in a dream. A bad one.
He barely tasted his turkey and didn’t want a chocolate mousse. Sitting through the Secret Santa was a chore, though he was mildly surprised to discover he had two gifts instead of one. The first proved to be a typical Secret Santa gag gift, a pair of socks bearing reindeer with light-up noses. The second was a case for his phone bearing pictures of Schützenberg and Zürich, the Raten and St Jost, all the places he and the Middletones had gone, and a photo book of the trip. He turned the pages of images of the minibus with the Middletones lined up in front, the French countryside, the first snow, the snowball fight, Isaac laughing, Doggo bounding, Lil
y smiling, teenagers snowballing.
He turned it in his hands. Were these from Lily? Had she slipped them in the Secret Santa box in the same way Flora had made sure there was a DVD of princess stories for Jasmine and for Jeremy a book about the body? The children had eaten two chocolate mousses each and wore brown smears on their faces, hands and clothes. They looked as excited and overfed as every kid should at Christmas.
Then, finally, his phone beeped and there was a reply from Lily. I’m fine, thank you. Sorry to leave with no notice but you obviously had plenty on your plate. I know you feel we have unfinished business but we ran out of time, didn’t we? The pub’s being sold and soon you’ll be carrying out your new career plans. I’m taking time out but Tubb knows about it. Baz is taking my shifts for a bit. x
Dazed, he stared at it. A brush-off? It was a fucking brush-off! The vision of her with another man swam once more into his mind.
Jumping to his feet he took his phone out into the kitchen and called her. She picked up almost before it rang. ‘Hi.’ Her voice was soft, tentative. ‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Not very,’ he said bluntly. ‘Lily, I’d thought that at the very least we’d have Christmas lunch together. We do have unfinished business. Why are you so sure we’ve run out of time?’
In the background several people called her name. Over them she said, ‘I didn’t want to put you in the position of choosing, or me in the position of waiting for something that’s not going to happen. I’m in Switzerland, staying at Max and Ona’s.’
‘Switzerland?’ he gasped.
She sounded sad. ‘I’ve been invited over to talk about taking a full-time job here. You’ll be off on your travels too. Look, I’ve got to go. I’m being called for Christmas lunch.’ She hesitated and when she spoke again, her voice was husky. ‘I hope everything goes brilliantly for you – you know, your plans. Your courses. I hope you travel to loads of different countries and have a wonderful life.’ Then she was gone.
‘Bye,’ Isaac said dully, even though he’d just heard the beep, beep, beep, silence of an ended call. His lungs felt half their proper size. Slowly, he slid his phone into his pocket, staring unseeingly at the stainless steel of the kitchen littered with pans and splashes of gravy. He didn’t have to ask her what she meant by ‘choosing’. It was choosing between Hayley and Lily. So while he’d been concentrating on Hayley, Lily had slipped away.
Hayley’s voice came from behind him. ‘What just happened? Is Lily OK?’ She looked more like the composed Hayley he’d known. She’d managed make-up today.
He hadn’t known she was standing behind him but there was no point trying to disguise his feelings. She knew him too well and she’d obviously overheard enough. ‘Lily’s gone to Switzerland. She’s been offered a job.’
Her eyes widened and what colour she’d had drained away. ‘Because you’ve been helping me,’ she whispered. ‘What are you going to do?’
It almost seemed too difficult a question. ‘Talk to her some more … when I get the opportunity. She can’t talk right now.’ He heard his own voice, flat, defeated, but his heart felt as if it was in a puddle of blood at his feet. Unless Nicola and/or Vicky turned up like magic Hayley still couldn’t live alone for another week or two.
‘Leave it with me,’ said Hayley crisply, seeming more like the old Hayley every minute. ‘Let me see what I can do.’
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Dugal and Keir burst into her bedroom before seven bellowing, ‘Happy Merry Christmas to you! Come downstairs ’cos we’re not allowed our presents till everyone’s together!’
Then they screamed out of the room again leaving Lily blinking. Recalling the joy of Christmas morning when you were five or three, she clambered into jeans and a top and hurried downstairs where she could hear childish voices bellowing, ‘C’mon, everybody, c’mon, come on!’
Present-giving was chaotic but lovely. Lily relished the fairy-tale Christmas sight of the acres of snow glittering outside and the sound of church bells drifting up from the town. Dugal and Keir tried simultaneously to rip into their presents and hand out other people’s – which they offered to share if edible. ‘Lego!’ one would yell.
‘Duplo!’ squealed the other.
‘Grand-Tubb, this is for you from Mummy!’
‘Grandma, here’s yours from us!’
Lily, laughing, let them hand out all of her gifts of pashminas, DVDs, vouchers and everything that had been easy to grab. For Dugal and Keir she’d bought matching Minions pyjamas and was gratified when they stripped off to wriggle straight into them. Baby Ainsley lay in a Moses basket on the floor, occasionally flailing his arms and mewling then flopping back into sleep. Like his brothers, he had Max’s sandy hair.
Everyone had managed a present for Lily, even at short notice: heavenly Swiss chocolate, a carved wooden box, perfume and, from Tubb and Janice, a pair of ski pants suitable for the depths of Swiss winter. ‘Janice was pretty sure of your size but we can exchange them if needs be,’ Tubb said gruffly. Then, looking awkward, he gave Lily a lilac envelope. Inside was a Christmas card and printed in gold foil on the front, Merry Christmas to my sister. Lily looked at it through a veil of tears, her chin wobbling.
‘Why are you making a silly face?’ demanded Keir, peering at her.
Dugal sighed at the stupidity of younger brothers. ‘She’s going to sneeze,’ he explained loftily.
Everybody laughed and Lily gave Tubb a hug – the first ever – and let a couple of her tears soak into his dressing gown. He and Garrick had had a long talk with her last night when they’d fetched her from the airport, clearing any lingering ill feeling as they explained their shock at Marvin’s past behaviour.
‘You see,’ Tubb had explained gently, ‘he was a very good dad, the kind who always came to football matches and knew how to fix broken kites. To realise that he’d had a secret affair was painful and we stupidly lashed out at you as the living proof of it.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Garrick saw sense first and made me see what an unreasonable shit I was being in blaming you for keeping the secret for so long, I felt terrible. You must not have known what to do.’
It had been worth a flight to Switzerland just to hear that.
Garrick, Eleanor, Myla and Xander arrived and while the small children went wild again, Eleanor took her own opportunity to clear the air with Lily. ‘I’m sorry that I leapt to conclusions and was so unpleasant.’
‘None of us knew what was going on with the other,’ Lily had been quick to say. ‘Let’s put it behind us.’
If it hadn’t been for thinking about Isaac she would have floated away in a bubble of happiness. But then his voice on the phone was so … disbelieving. Hurt. If everyone hadn’t been shouting for her to come to the table she would have broken down and cried. As it was she had had to end the call or lose it completely.
For the rest of the day she pinned on a smile, helped in the kitchen, played with Dugal and Keir, held baby Ainsley with her heart melting as he stared stolidly up at her. Ona, now he was safely delivered and she was getting over the C-section, pretended to be glad to get rid of him at every opportunity while the love glowing in her eyes when she looked at any of her kids belied her joking words.
Before the daylight faded Lily went out with Max, Dugal and Keir to try out the boys’ new sledges and her ski pants which, being a smoky grey, went well with the blue coat from Zinnia and George. The whole outfit proved admirably suited to flying down a slope with Keir on her lap and being dumped in the snow when they overturned, roaring with laughter.
Later, when the young kids had finally gone to bed in their new pyjamas the adults and the older kids, Myla and Xander, settled with glasses of champagne.
Lily wondered whether to call Isaac back. Or at least text him and apologise about cutting their earlier call short. She listened as Tubb talked about putting The Three Fishes on the market and getting another relief manager until it sold. ‘I would have loved Isaac to stick around to manage it but he doesn’t
sound prepared to stay.’
‘No,’ Lily agreed hoarsely.
Janice patted Tubb’s arm. ‘It’s a wrench for you. The pub’s been your life.’
Tubb laced her fingers with his. ‘We all have to retire sometime.’ But he looked a little misty-eyed. They began to reminisce about past Christmases at The Three Fishes and Lily’s mind went back to Isaac, wondering what he was doing now. Spending Christmas evening quietly with Hayley?
She reread his text from this morning – which was a distinctly sad thing to do – smiling to herself at the casual way her referred to your mums. It was good when someone treated her family as if they weren’t weird.
Gently, she put her phone down. She wouldn’t call Isaac.
For self-preservation she couldn’t let in a man who would so soon be getting out.
If anything, Lily preferred Boxing Day – or St Stephen’s Day – to Christmas Day. Garrick and his family had their own plans so, with Ainsley in a papoose on Max’s front, the rest of them walked down into Schützenberg and around the lake, pausing for hot chocolate or lemonade, making a snowman with Dugal and Keir, which the boys then took enormous pleasure in kicking down.
Then they struck off into a wood where the snow was less disturbed and it was still and magical, examining animal tracks in the snow and kicking it into crystal showers or trying to blow ‘smoke’ rings with their white breath in the frigid air. Tubb and Janice walked hand in hand – or mitten in mitten. Lily found herself watching the easy way they chatted and how often each made the other smile. In relationship terms they were still at the honeymoon stage, only having been together a year, but they might as well have been wearing badges that said ‘in love’.
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