It was definitely a case of damned if he did and damned if he didn’t with Matty. And on top of everything else, there was the matter of Elizabeth. He had no business getting friendly with any woman until he found out for certain whether or not he was Elizabeth’s father.
How ironic, that the moment he began thinking of getting back in the saddle, a baby would land on his doorstep, effectively putting him out of commission for the time being. Good thing Matty was the one staying in his house and helping him take care of the baby. Matty wasn’t naturally seductive, so he should be able to keep his reactivated hormones in check.
Theoretically.
But once he was in Matty’s bedroom going through her underwear drawer, breathing in her jasmine scent, he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to keep his mind off lovemaking, after all. He couldn’t understand why he was having this reaction to handling her panties and bra. They were exactly what he’d expect Matty to wear—cotton, plain and white. No frills. He was the kind of guy who appreciated black lace and dainty little bows in strategic places. These utilitarian items shouldn’t have had any effect on him whatsoever.
Yet he stood in front of her dresser, rubbing the soft cotton between his fingers and feeling the first stirring of an erection. Maybe it was the basic nature of her underthings that appealed to some basic urge of his. Making love to Matty would be the real deal. No games, no artificial props. Instinctively he knew Matty would lay everything on the line when she climbed into bed with a man.
The idea shook him.
Beside him Sadie whined and thumped her tail on the floor.
“Time to get going, right, Sadie?” Thrusting inappropriate thoughts from his mind, Sebastian dropped the underwear in the bag along with a pair of wool socks. In the second drawer he found a pair of jeans. One more drawer down revealed a folded nightgown, right where she’d said it would be.
Underneath was a picture frame turned upside down. Feeling like a snoop, he took it out. Butch and Matty’s wedding picture. He vaguely remembered seeing it years ago.
Something wasn’t right about the picture, and he finally realized it had been torn apart and taped back together. The taping job was good—he recognized Matty’s care with detail. Someone had torn it down the middle lengthwise, separating the smiling bride in her simple white gown from the handsome groom in his western-styled black suit.
But they were back together now, wrapped in wedding-day bliss. Matty looked about sixteen, although he knew she’d been older than that when she’d married Butch—twenty-two or three. She looked breathtakingly beautiful, but it was the hopeful look in her eyes that made his heart ache. They’d been newlyweds when they’d moved onto the Leaning L ten years ago. Barely a year had gone by before Butch and Barbara had started their affair.
Sebastian gazed at the ripped picture and wondered whether Matty or Butch had torn it apart. Staring at Butch’s cocky grin, Sebastian wished the son of a bitch was still alive so Sebastian could punch the smile right off his face. Not because of Barbara, who wasn’t worth the effort of avenging, but because of Matty.
He had no doubt, looking at her expression in this picture, that she’d given herself heart and soul to Butch. Maybe she hadn’t been as intensely passionate as a stud like Butch had required, but Sebastian would bet she’d given him all she had, and he’d paid her back with disloyalty. The ripped picture made Sebastian wonder if Matty had found that out.
Replacing the picture carefully the way he found it, he put the nightgown in the paper bag. It, too, was completely practical—a flannel granny gown with little sprigs of blue flowers forming the only decoration. The blue would go with her eyes, though. And if she wore nothing underneath, the gown suddenly became a lot less boring….
Sebastian let out a snort of self-disgust. Elizabeth was the important factor here, not his suddenly active sexual imagination. If he didn’t hurry he’d be later than he’d promised getting back home.
Opening Matty’s closet he took a long-sleeved shirt from its hanger, folded it and tucked it into the bag. Then he headed to the bathroom with Sadie trotting behind like a housebroken pony. A toothbrush, toothpaste, and a bottle of shampoo went into the bag.
The bottle of lotion took some effort. He had to screw the little pump handle into the neck of the bottle so the lotion wouldn’t leak all over her clothes. In the process he got some on his hands. As he rubbed the cool, creamy stuff into his skin her jasmine scent wafted upward. Maybe this lotion was all she used to smell so wonderful.
He imagined her rubbing it all over herself after a shower. Then he imagined helping her rub it all over herself. With an impatient groan he dropped the bottle of lotion into the bag, picked it up and started for the front door, Sadie at his heels. He had his hand on the door knob before he remembered the book.
The book had been his idea, so she hadn’t put it on the list, but now she’d expect it. Flipping on lights as he went, he retraced his steps to the bedroom with Sadie following along.
“I’ll bet you think I’m an idiot,” he said to the dog. “Well, you think right. If I’d had the guts to stay with that little baby, Matty would have come over to collect her belongings and I wouldn’t have to be pawing through her underwear drawer. Serves me right for being such a coward.”
Sadie made a little sound low in her throat and wagged her tail.
“I figured you’d agree with me.” He walked over to the bedside table where a paperback lay with a bookmark stuck about a third of the way through. The cover featured a couple locked in a fevered embrace.
Sebastian had never thought much about what Matty read, but now out of curiosity, he picked up the book and opened it to the spot where she’d left off.
His eyes widened. “Whoa, Sadie.” He flipped the page. “This is pretty hot stuff, dog. I’d go so far as to say X-rated.” He read on until he realized his breathing was growing heavy right along with the hero’s. Forcing himself to close the book, he dropped it in the bag.
Turning out lights once again and locking the front door carefully, he finally piled into his truck. Sadie sat regally in the passenger seat and Matty’s bag of possessions rested in front of her on the floor.
“I sure wish you could talk,” Sebastian said. “Because I thought I knew your mistress, but now I’m not so sure about that.”
All the way back to the ranch he thought about that book she was reading. He was pretty sure that book offered a clue about the sort of lover Matty was, but he wasn’t sure which clue.
On the one hand she could be the sort of woman who liked to think about lovemaking but didn’t actually like doing it all that much. He’d heard about women like that.
On the other hand there was the possibility that she liked lovemaking very much, which was why she liked reading about it.
And the idea that she might be a tiger in bed was unsettling, to say the least. Because then he’d have to think about what it would be like to turn that tiger loose after all this time.
He’d better not think about that. Now was not the time to be setting any tigers loose. There might not ever be a good time for that, considering that they were neighbors and all.
As he pulled into the circular drive in front of the ranch house he decided he’d be wise to forget all about the book. And the panties. And the nightgown. And the lotion.
He let Sadie out and she frisked around him, nearly knocking him down as he reached in and got the bag. “You’re gonna have to calm down,” he warned the dog. “We have a baby in there, so you and Fleafarm have to mind your manners.”
Sadie barked and bounded up the steps. From inside came an answering bark.
Matty opened the front door and grabbed Sadie’s collar. “Easy does it, Sadie. Fleafarm, you stay back.”
Sebastian looked at Matty standing in the doorway, the light from the living room surrounding her, seeming to make her glow. Exactly as he’d lectured himself not to, he thought about the book, and the panties, and the nightgown, and the lotion. He thought of Matt
y stretched out on rumpled sheets, Matty opening her arms, Matty drawing him close.
She met his gaze. It was probably his imagination, but he thought she quivered.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, his voice sounding a little rusty.
Her gaze didn’t waver. “Jessica called.”
6
SEBASTIAN’S HAT BRIM partially shadowed his eyes, but Matty could still see well enough to judge whether Sebastian lit up when he heard Jessica had called. He’d said he didn’t have a love affair going with her, but Matty still wanted a gut-check. The expression in those gray eyes reflected agitation, not agonized longing. Matty let out a breath. He wasn’t in love with Jessica.
“Where is she?” Sebastian climbed the steps with the bag containing her clothes and toiletries in his arms.
“She didn’t say.” Still holding onto Sadie’s collar with one hand and Fleafarm’s with the other, Matty stepped back from the door to let him in.
He passed by her, trailing the scent of juniper and cold air. “Then why did she call?”
“To make sure Elizabeth was okay, I guess.” Matty found this moment of homecoming way too appealing. It wasn’t much of a stretch to imagine welcoming Sebastian home on a regular basis. “She was only on the line a few seconds. She asked if Elizabeth was okay, and I said she was.”
“Did you tell her to get her butt back here?”
“I did. Listen, let me put these dogs in the kitchen where they can get reacquainted without waking up the baby.”
“Good idea.” Sebastian peered over toward the drawer. “Has she cried at all?”
“Not a peep. I think she’s totally worn-out. We could probably detonate a bomb in here and she wouldn’t wake up, but I don’t want to push our luck.”
“Hell, no.” He gestured toward the kitchen. “There’s a box of treats in the pantry if you want to bribe the dogs.”
“I’d be happy to.” She led the dogs into the other room. By the time she returned, closing the kitchen door after her, Sebastian had thrown his coat over the back of the sofa and laid his hat, brim up, on the coffee table. Matty’s bag of belongings sat propped in the corner of the sofa and Sebastian was crouched down by Elizabeth’s drawer-bed, gazing at the sleeping baby.
Matty would have liked some time to enjoy the picture of him studying the little girl, but at the click of the kitchen-door latch he looked over at her and stood.
“Did she say when she was coming back?” he asked.
“No. All she said was that she had to do this, and that it was killing her.”
Sebastian frowned. “What in hell could be going on?”
“I don’t know.” Matty sat in the wing chair deliberately, so that Sebastian would have to take the rocker next to Elizabeth. A different sort of woman might have taken over the baby’s care to make herself indispensable. Matty didn’t operate that way. “What do you know about Jessica? Does she have family?”
He sat down carefully, glancing at the baby to make sure she didn’t stir. “I gathered she’s an only child and doesn’t get along with her parents. They live back East somewhere, but she didn’t like talking about her past.”
“Do you think they abused her?”
“I honestly don’t know.” He gazed at Matty. “But there has to be some reason why she came here instead of going to them.”
“She’s had a baby out of wedlock. Lots of young women would hate telling their parents, especially if they didn’t get along with them. Maybe she’s leaving Elizabeth here while she goes back to prepare her folks.” Yet even as she said that, Matty didn’t believe it. “No, that’s not the answer. She sounded too frantic about the baby’s welfare when she called. If she only has to face a couple of disapproving parents, she’d have kept the baby with her.”
“It’s as if she’s trying to protect Elizabeth from something.”
Matty nodded. “While she tries to deal with it, whatever it is.” She had a horrible thought. “I hope she doesn’t have some terminal disease.”
Sebastian sucked in a breath. “I hadn’t even thought of that.” He pushed himself from the chair and started to pace. “One thing’s for sure, she doesn’t want us looking for her, but I don’t plan to abide by that.”
“Are you going to call the cops?”
“No. Not until I know what we’re dealing with. But my friend Jim can fix the phone so we can trace her calls, assuming she calls again.”
“Is that legal?”
Sebastian gazed at her. “No. Gonna turn me in?”
“Of course not.” Matty hesitated to ask the next question, but Sebastian needed to think of all the possibilities. “I know you consider Jessica a good friend, but you’ve only spent—what?—a total of five or six days with her?”
“Five, and I know that doesn’t seem like enough time to judge a person, but sometimes time isn’t everything. We’ve all made a joke about how Nat was completely buried in that avalanche, because I guess none of us want to think about how serious the whole thing was. If it hadn’t been for Jessica’s presence of mind, he probably would have died under that snow.”
Matty’s heart clutched. “I didn’t realize it was that critical.”
“It was. She saved his life.”
“Then you don’t think there’s any possibility that she’s…unbalanced.”
“Nope. And I know she’s cool under fire when she understands the problem. But she might have come up against something she doesn’t know anything about, and maybe she’s scared when she doesn’t really need to be. That’s why I’d like to quietly find her, to see if there’s something I can do.”
“I understand.” In some ways, Matty never wanted Sebastian to find Jessica, because then he might discover that he was Elizabeth’s father. But Matty knew that he wouldn’t rest until he knew the truth.
“At first I’ll try the easy stuff, like working with the phone. If that doesn’t pay off, and she still hasn’t turned up, I might consider a private investigator.” He rubbed the back of his neck and gazed at the dying embers of the fire. “I don’t suppose she mentioned anything about whether or not I was….”
“No.”
“It’s not the sort of thing you’d blurt over the phone. And Jessica isn’t a coward, so she wouldn’t announce it in the note she left with Elizabeth, either.”
Matty grasped at whatever straw she could find. “Maybe you’re not the father, and the real father is someone she doesn’t want near Elizabeth.”
Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t see Jessica getting mixed up with anyone she wouldn’t trust with the baby. She has too much self-confidence.” He gazed at Matty. “I know this stunt she’s pulled looks suspicious, but if ever I’ve met a woman whose head is screwed on straight, it’s Jessica.”
“Then I’m fresh out of explanations.”
“Me, too. Something’s got her spooked, that’s for sure. If I am Elizabeth’s father, I don’t think she ever plans to tell me. I’ll bet because I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing, she doesn’t hold me responsible.”
Feeling impatient, Matty pushed herself from the chair. “Then she doesn’t know you very well, if she thinks you’d appreciate that kind of self-sacrificing gesture.”
“True.” He gazed down at the baby. “If she’s mine, I intend to do right by her. And by her mother.”
Matty’s throat went dry. “Would you…marry her?”
He lifted his head and looked steadily at Matty. “If she’ll have me.”
She’d known all along that he’d feel that way, yet hearing him say it was worse than imagining it might happen. “Even if you don’t love her,” she said woodenly.
“Yes, even then.” He shifted his gaze to the fire and walked over to it. Moving the screen aside, he picked up the small fireplace shovel and started banking the ashes over the fiery coals.
Matty watched the play of muscles beneath his shirt as he worked and felt an agonizing tug of longing in the pit of her stomach. “And you’re sure that�
�s best?”
“I’m sure. My parents got a divorce when I was seven and my brother was five. For my folks, it was the best thing, because they fought like wildcats. It was probably best for my brother and me, too. We hated those fights they had.” He cleared his throat and closed the damper part way. “But I would have given my right arm to have both a mom and dad around when I was growing up.”
She’d never heard him admit that kind of vulnerability. The baby must be stirring up long-buried feelings from his childhood. She wanted to go over and put her arms around him, but that wouldn’t be very appropriate considering he was telling her he was prepared to marry another woman.
“Your mom didn’t remarry?” she asked.
“Not until I was out of the house.” He replaced the screen and hung the shovel beside the hearth. “Which is just as well, because I don’t get along with the guy.” He shrugged, his back still to her, as if the discussion was easier on him that way. “My family’s a disjointed mess. I’ve hated that rootless feeling, and no kid of mine will have that, if I have anything to say about it.”
“But living with someone without loving them is hell.”
Sebastian turned and shot her a questioning look.
Immediately Matty realized what she’d half revealed. “Or at least I imagine it could be.” Her pulse raced as she wondered if he’d question her about that statement. She hoped he wouldn’t, because she’d stopped loving Butch the day she found about the affair with Barbara. She and Butch had been fighting about whether Sebastian should be told the day Butch stormed off and slammed his plane into the mountain.
But it was all over now, and if Sebastian didn’t know about Barbara and Butch, he didn’t need to know. It would hurt him terribly to think he’d been betrayed by his good friend and his wife, and there was no point in dredging it up now that Butch was dead and Barbara was gone.
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