“No good can come of this. You must know that.”
“You doubt me. You have heard scandal…gossip. And even now I am talking to you in a way which you believe to be wrong.”
“I should go in.”
“But you will stay a while. I’ve got to talk to you. Anna, when I come back, you will be here and…”
“Nothing will have changed,” I said.
And I thought of Monique gasping for breath and of Chantel’s saying: “She won’t make old bones.” I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want such thoughts to come into my mind.
“There are times when she so maddens me that I…”
But I could not bear him to say it. I cried: “No…no.”
“But yes,” he said. “Tonight is different. Tonight is like that other night. The night at the Queen’s House. I feel as though we are alone in the world as I did then. I could forget everything all around us. There were just the two of us then, and now it is the same.”
“But Aunt Charlotte came and showed us that it was an illusion. Of what use are illusions? They are nothing but dreams and we have to wake up and face reality.”
“One day, Anna…”
“I don’t want you to say this. I should never have come here. I should have stayed in England. It would have been the best way.”
“I stayed away but I did not forget. I’ve been haunted by you ever since that night in the Queen’s House. Oh God, how did I let this happen to me.”
“You loved her once.”
“I never did.”
“You married her.”
“I want to tell you how it happened.”
“Don’t. It does no good.”
“But you must know. You must understand.”
“I understand that you no longer love her.”
“Sometimes I think she has become mad, Anna. Sometimes I think she always was.”
“In her way she loves you.”
He passed a hand over his brow.
“I hate her,” he said. “I hate her for what she is, and I hate her because she stands between you and me.”
“I cannot bear it when you talk like this.”
“Only tonight, Anna. I must tell you the truth tonight. I want you to know how it happened. We had met, you and I. You were a child and I was drawn to you then, but how could I understand? It was only later when I came to the Queen’s House that I understood. Then I said, ‘I must go away. I must never see her again because this emotion which is between us is something I have never known before and I believe I should be unable to resist it.’ I’m not a hero, my darling. I want you. I want you more than anything…to sail with you, to be with you every minute of the day and night, never separated. We should be part of each other. That’s what I know. I knew it in the Queen’s House, but I know it a thousand times more certainly now. Anna, there is no one else for me in this world and there is no one for you. Do you know this?”
“I know that it is so with me,” I said.
“My dearest Anna, you are so honest, so true, so different from anyone I have known before. When I come back, I shall take you home with me. That won’t be the end. We shall be together, we must be together…”
“And Monique?”
“She will stay here. She belongs here on this evil island.”
“You call it evil?”
“It has been so for me. There has been nothing but misfortune here. That night of the flame dance…it is like a nightmare. I dream of it often. The hot night, the brilliant stars, the moonlight. It’s always the night of the full moon. The drums are going all day to call people to this side of the Island. You’ll understand when you’ve seen it for yourself. I thought it was exciting. I was carried away by the excitement. I didn’t recognize the evil then. It was not until the misfortunes came. Here I married. Here I lost my ship. Here I experienced the great disasters of my life. No, I shouldn’t talk of this, but tonight is different. This is our night when we tell the truth and come out from behind conventional nothings to say what really matters: the truth. I must make you see it. I can’t bear that you should not. I’m not making excuses. Everything that happened was my own fault. Imagine it. Those drums, the strangeness of everything, the feeling that everything in life is working up to some tremendous crescendo. We sat round in a great circle; we drank the native drink. It’s called Gali and it’s served in coconut shells which have been treated for the occasion. It’s highly intoxicating. They call it Fire Water. The Flame Men brew it in that house of theirs. They are at the very heart of the festival. They don’t want the European way of life thrust on the islanders. I think this is the purpose behind the feasting and dancing. I am trying to excuse myself, you see. The excitement, the intoxication…and Monique was there, one of them and yet not one of them. She joined in the dances. She was not ill then. I went back with her to Carrément…eventually.”
“There is no need to tell me,” I said.
“But I want you to understand. It was like a trap and I walked into it. We sailed away for a short trip the next day and when we came back two months later…”
“I understand. Marriage was inevitable. And that old nurse saw that it took place.”
“Madame de Laudé, the old nurse, Monique herself…they were determined. I was still under the spell of the Island. I was a fool. Oh God, Anna, if you knew what a fool. I still am, because I am telling you this, I am showing myself to you in the worst possible light. These matters which an honorable man would keep to himself… Anna, you must go on loving me. It is only when I remind myself that you do that I can feel the slightest happiness. Sometimes when she is in one of her mad passions…”
“Please don’t say it,” I cried fearfully. “Don’t even think it.”
I was terribly afraid. He had called the Island evil. I could believe that some evil was hovering close to us now. I thought: I shall remember this garden with its thick foliage, hot humid air, the subdued hum of insects as I remembered that other garden on the other side of the world, damp, misty with the almost imperceptible odor of chrysanthemums and Michaelmas daisies and the damp earth.
A revelation had come to me. I loved him; I had known that for a long time, but I had loved him as the strong and conquering hero, now I knew him in his weakness, and because of that weakness I loved the more. It frightened me though, because he carried such a heavy burden of tragedy. Could there be any worse fate than to be married to a woman whom one loathed and to have been placed in those circumstances by one’s own youthful folly? When a man such as Redvers, a man of deep strong passions, loved another woman, the situation was not only tragic: it was dangerous.
I was deeply aware of those passions—as yet held in check; and I thought of Monique, reckless, violent and maddened by jealousy. And even at such a time I could be struck by the incongruity of finding myself, plain homely Anna, in the center of such a whirlpool of passion. Was I as capable of folly as any of them?
He had gripped my hands and I was overcome with tenderness and the need to protect him…to protect us all, myself and Monique as well.
I heard myself say coolly, for I felt in that moment that I could be an impartial observer, “Let us consider this calmly. We are not the first man and woman to find ourselves in this situation. I often think that if that night at the Queen’s House had happened before you went to the Island, everything might have been different for us. Time is so important in shaping our lives. I used to think that when I listened to all the clocks ticking away in the Queen’s House.”
And even now, I thought, I am talking for something to say. I am playing for time. I want to soothe him, to make him understand that we must not meet like this again.
He had drawn me closer to him and I said desperately: “No. We are being reckless. We must be careful.”
“Anna, it will not always be so.”
Somewhere in the distanc
e I heard the call of a bird. It sounded like mocking laughter.
“I must go in,” I said. “What if we were seen together?”
“Anna,” he said, “don’t go.”
He held me fast. His lips were close to mine. And again came that mocking cry.
I knew in that instant that it was for me to decide the future; I must be the one to show restraint. Perhaps I should be grateful to Aunt Charlotte’s rigorous upbringing and the scorn she had always poured on those who broke the moral laws. And it was as though she were there in the garden—not sour and scornful as she had often been, but lifeless as I had seen her lying in her coffin—dead; and the suspicion of murder was hanging over me.
This present situation was far more dangerous than that which had existed in the Queen’s House; and yet there I had been suspected of murder. What would happen if one morning I awoke to the news that Monique was dead. What if there was a suspicion of murder? What if there was proof?
I felt that somewhere someone was warning me.
“I must go,” I said, and released myself and started to walk rapidly away.
“Anna.” I heard the poignant longing in his voice and I dared do nothing but hurry away.
I went into the house; and of course Suka was there. I believed she had been watching from the balcony.
“You like the night air, Miss Brett?” she asked.
“It is pleasant after the heat of the day.”
“Anna. Anna, my dearest…”
It was Red. He had stepped onto the porch before he saw Suka.
“You too find the night air very pleasant after the heat of the day, Captain?” said Suka.
He answered her coolly. “It is the only time to walk comfortably.” All sign of the passionate lover was gone. With a hasty good night, I made my way to my room.
There I sat in the armchair and put my hand over my fast beating heart.
I was elated and fearful. I was loved…but dangerously. I was no adventuress who looked for danger. I wanted to be serenely happy. But I had fallen in love with the wrong man for that. How different it would have been if I could have loved Dick Callum.
I thought of Suka. I wondered whether she would tell Monique what she had seen. She hated me. I sensed her hatred; and it would go deep.
It was no use going to bed. I should not sleep. The candles guttered in their sticks. I wondered whether I should be told I was burning too many candles. No matter what violent passions circulated about the inhabitants of this house, they must always be watchful of economy.
I would go to bed because then I could blow out the candles. How incongruous, to think of this at such a time. My life would flicker away like those candles. In frustration I should return to England, but not in The Serene Lady. I might get a governess post with people who were traveling back. After all Miss Barker—was that her name?—had found a post on the Island.
I washed in the cold water which was kept in the ewer; I plaited my hair and blew out the candles. I took one last look at the ship in the bay.
This time tomorrow it would be gone.
***
The next morning I went down to the ship to see Dick Callum as I had promised. Edward would have wanted to accompany me had he known but he was with his mother and I left him with her. Cargoes of copra, watermelon, and sugar bananas were being taken out to the ship; and there was a great deal of traffic to and fro. I was rowed out in one of the little boats and scrambled up the gangway which had been dropped from the deck into the sea.
Dick was waiting for me. He was up but he looked a little shaken, and I was not surprised.
His eyes lit up with pleasure when he saw me.
“I knew you’d come,” he said, “but I was contemplating whether I should come ashore to see you.”
“Congratulations!” I said.
“So you’ve heard?”
“I was horrified. You should have been more careful.”
“It’s a lesson. I’ll not bathe recklessly in shark infested waters again.”
“Then perhaps it was not in vain.”
“It would have been the end of me but for Captain Stretton.”
I couldn’t help glowing with pride.
“It might have been the end of us both,” he went on. “The speed with which he came at me and hauled me back was something to be seen.”
“And how are you feeling now?”
“Still shaken and…ashamed.”
“It might have happened to anyone.”
“Let’s sit down,” he said. “I should really be on duty, but Gregory says I should relax till we sail. I want to talk to you, Anna. So it’s a good opportunity. I’m going to miss you. I hope you’ll miss me.”
“I shall be desolate to look from my window and see that the ship is no longer in the bay.”
“And I shall be thinking of you in that house, that strange house.”
I was silent and he studied me closely. “It is a strange place. You’ve discovered that. Broken down, shabby, very uncomfortable I should imagine.”
“I hardly expected it to be another Castle Crediton.”
“You’ll be homesick, won’t you?”
“I don’t know. Life had not been very happy at home. My aunt had died.”
“Yes, I know. Anna, I’m trying to pluck up courage to say something to you. I want to tell someone, and you are the most important person to me. I want you to know.”
I turned to him. “Then tell me.”
“You know I want to marry you, but it is not of that I’m trying to speak. First though I want you to know that I’ll be waiting. You’re going to have two months here. Perhaps at that time you will change your mind.”
“About what?”
“Marriage.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You may not be in love with me, but you do not dislike me.”
“Of course I don’t.”
“And there may come a time when you say to yourself that a happy life can be built by two people who are determined to build it. Great passion is not always the rock on which to build the future. It changes; it’s like shifting sands…but mutual affection, good sense that’s steady as a rock.”
“I know.”
“And perhaps one day…”
“Who can say? One cannot look into the future.”
“And now we are good friends.”
“The best of friends.”
“That is why I must tell you this.”
“Please do, for I am sure it is something which is on your mind and you’ll feel happier for talking.”
“I hated the Captain.”
“I know.”
“You sensed it then?”
“You betrayed it. It was in the very way you talked of him. You were so…vehement.”
“And now he has saved my life. Because of the way I hated him I would rather anyone else had saved me.”
“But it was the Captain.”
“He is a brave man, Anna. A great romantic figure, eh? He has his faults but they are romantic faults, you think. He is the great adventurer, the buccaneer. I hated him because he had what I wanted most. Envy. That is what I felt for him. It’s one of the seven deadly sins—I think the deadliest.”
“Why did you envy him so much?”
“Because,” he said, “I might so easily have had what is his.”
“You mean you might have been a sea captain?”
“I mean I might have been brought up at the Castle; I might have shared my childhood with Rex; I might have been treated as a son of the house as the Captain has been.”
“Are you telling me…”
“He is my half brother. I am three years older than he is. My mother was a seamstress who came to the Castle to work for Lady Crediton. She was very pretty and she caught S
ir Edward’s eye, as others had before her. When I was born Sir Edward gave my mother an allowance so that she did not have to visit the Castle. My education was taken care of and in due course I was given my training and joined the Company. But I was never acknowledged as Sir Edward’s son, as the Captain was.”
“Does the Captain know?”
“No. I shall tell him.”
“I think he will understand your feelings. I am sure he will.”
“They can’t be the same from now on. You can’t hate a man who has saved your life.”
“I’m glad…for you and for him. You’ll both be better without that senseless hatred.”
“And don’t forget, whatever happens in the next two months, I’ll be back. How I wish that you were sailing with us! I don’t like to think of you in that house.”
“But it was solely to be with Edward that I came.”
“Two months,” he said, “is not very long, but a great deal can happen in that time.”
“A great deal can happen in a day, as you’ve just discovered,” I reminded him. “Not long ago you hated the Captain, now your admiration is greater than your dislike. Tell him so. I am sure he will understand.”
“You think very highly of him, don’t you?” he said wistfully.
I did not answer. I was afraid to speak of my feelings to anyone.
When I left him to come ashore Redvers was waiting for me at the gangway.
“There won’t be another opportunity to speak to you alone, Anna,” he said. “I’ve written to you.”
He thrust a letter into my hand.
We stood close looking at each other but it was impossible to talk there. So I said: “Good-bye, Captain. A safe and happy voyage.”
And then I started down the gangway.
I could not wait to read the letter. It was short, but his love for me was in every line. It was my first love letter.
My dearest Anna,
I should say I am sorry for last night but I’m not. I meant it…every word. There is no happiness for me without you. I love you, Anna. Anna…wait. I know it will not always be as it is now. Think of me as I will be thinking of you. I love you.
Redvers.
I should have destroyed it. I should have remembered that it came from one who was not free to write in that way to me, but instead I folded it and tucked it inside my bodice; and the feel of paper scratching my skin filled me with elation.
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