by Al K. Line
"You will die!" screamed the woman, and she snatched her hand from her brother's and charged me with wild abandon that was the first rule of how not to fight. Never lose your cool, never let your emotions direct your actions.
I sidestepped her easily and slammed the elven wood at the back of her head, the force magnified tenfold with the staff. She went down hard and cracked her head on the rocks, only stopping after she rolled over. Her eye was already bloodied and swollen, vivid blue against her otherwise perfect skin, and now her forehead was covered in dust and tiny shards of sharp stone jutted out from multiple punctures, pale blood hissing as it leaked from delicate skin.
But she was up before I had chance to react, and her brother rushed forward screaming elven obscenities, blasting out strange magic that made the air crackle and my insides feel like they were melting.
"At least I made Vicky go home," I mumbled to myself, knowing she'd have been toast by now if she'd been with me.
Using the two rods as protection, I banged them together, sending out a shockwave to disrupt the elven magic that splashed against the makeshift shield and dispersed around my body. But it didn't stop the male and he kept on coming, but he made a fatal mistake. He glanced at his sister as she got to her feet and I thrust out hard with his own weapon, the tip of the shaft sinking into his skin like butter.
Ferocious white light erupted from the wound like I'd burst a sun, the intensity blinding. He howled with pain and rage and stopped dead in his tracks, staring down at the leaking energy as if it was a surprising distraction. It pulsed and kept on streaming from him, tainted pink with his strange blood, a life force and energy that refused to stop.
I staggered away, too numb and too assaulted by the alien environment and forces to even think of attacking again, and as his sister ran to him and slapped a hand hard over his chest to ease the flow he sank to his knees.
Rather than gloat, I ran away as fast as I could, bending and picking up my hat as I went. I hurled myself at the portal hovering just above the ground like reality had been torn from a page. As I hurtled through time and space I had one thought.
This will hurt.
Faery Dust
I felt as though I was falling off a skyscraper, like the landing would break every bone in my body and I'd be nothing but goo on the road, but it was just in my imagination. Instead, I landed in Vicky's living room, on her couch.
I knew that was where I was because as soon as I opened my eyes the first thing I focused on was her stupid oversized cushions and when I raised my head I spied the collection of trophies in the cabinet.
Faery dust sprinkled all around me like one of those perfect showers you get in the middle of a sunny day when there's not a cloud in the sky. All sparkling and pure, cool and refreshing. The air danced with the shimmering dust as it fell through shafts of light coming through gaps in the blinds. Getting to my knees, I saw a violent orange sun rise between the houses opposite.
So, morning then. The right morning, or years into the future? It felt like a million. My thoughts refused to form, but I knew this was bad. Why here? Why Vicky's? Because this was where the elves had opened the portal from, that's why. Meaning?
My head snapped around at a sound, and I smiled at the sight of Vicky in her jim-jams, rushing through the doorway.
"You're alive," she screamed, her face lighting up.
"Am I? You sure?" I groaned and tried to get up, only now realizing how much I hurt. As I pushed down on the soft sofa to heave myself up, Vicky leaped at me and landed right on my thighs, straddling me. Damn but she was acrobatic.
She squirmed up my legs, leaned forward, and as I glimpsed bare flesh between the buttons of her pajamas she grabbed my head in her hands and kissed me. Her hips wriggled as she settled into position and I was too weak to resist, but then something terrible happened.
Vicky released me with a gasp. The kiss I'd believed was one of relief and pleasure at seeing me alive had begun to turn into something else, at least I think it had, but she leapt off me like she'd been poked with a hard stick, when, in truth, it wasn't a stick that had done the poking, but it was definitely something... er, you get the picture.
"Damn, sorry, it's a stress reaction," I said, fumbling to push my ruined clothes down over the unwelcome bulge. I fumbled my wand and the elven staff and just managed to draw more attention to all the hard wood in the vicinity and damn if I didn't blush scarlet. Me, a goddamn wildcat wizard who'd been fighting elves mere moments ago and now here I was in a compromising position and all bashful.
"You dirty old man," she scolded, then she grinned so wide I couldn't help myself and I smiled. Soon we were both laughing. I got up, with hardly a groan or a moan, and we hugged. Vicky pulled back and we held hands at arm's length and she said, "I'm a married woman, Arthur."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I saw your boobies though, and, well, I'm just pleased to see you, pleased to be alive in fact." Dread replaced horny freedom as the reality of the situation sank in. What was wrong with me? Curse the male dumbness, or was it specific to me? And how had that happened with Vicky? I didn't think of her like that. I'd always thought of her as being about as sexual as a stone. She didn't do it for me, she was my friend, my annoying sidekick. But she'd kissed me, hadn't she? What was that all about?
"I'm happy you're not dead, nothing more," she said reading my mind.
"Um, me too. Look, they'll be after me, I'm sure. We gotta get out of here. Are you okay? How long have I been away? Did they come here?"
"What are you talking about?" Vicky panicked and searched the room, but it was just us.
"The damn elves, have they been here?"
"No, should they have?"
"Maybe. Let me think." If the portal opened here then surely this was where they'd come from. That's how these things worked I assumed. Maybe not. Maybe I'd ended up where I wanted to end up, where I had the most connection. To a person I had a deep affinity with. Sure, we went back a long time, and were close, but what about George? Or maybe I'd thought of somewhere I knew was best, far from George to keep her safe, but somewhere familiar? Could I influence the portal that way? Guess so.
"Where have you been? George was worried sick. Sasha came, she was here a moment ago actually, and I haven't slept a wink."
"You know me, I'm a night owl."
"Arthur!" Vicky stomped her foot and her hair bounced delightfully. It wasn't often I saw her without it in a ponytail and it looked nice, soft and feminine and... Hell, what was my problem? Why did I keep thinking of Vicky in this way? She shifted, looking at me funny, and I caught another glimpse of cleavage and had to stop myself from grabbing her and asking politely if I could do naughty things with her on the couch.
I had to get a grip, get my urges under control. It was disconcerting, freaky actually, as I would never, ever, get involved with Vicky in that way. She was married, with kids. The Slug may have been a waste of space but he was her husband. As my mind kept turning to erotic thoughts of my sidekick, I had an epiphany and sighed with relief. Ha, it was just the aftereffects of being with the elves. The sexual chemistry they emitted, plus the time with the vamps, had merely affected me and it could have been anyone and I'd want to rip their clothes off. So it was all good and I was off the hook. Vicky was just my tomboyish partner in crime, not a femme fatal I couldn't keep my hands off because she was so damn sexy.
"Arthur? Hello, anyone in there?"
Vicky shook me by the shoulders and I responded with an intelligent, "Eh?"
"What happened? Everyone was worried."
"I was taken to meet Mikalus. Had a fight, got nabbed by the elves, got strapped down tight, had more fights, jumped through an elven portal, stole a cool piece of wood, see?" I held up the twisted wood and Vicky reached out to touch it, her inquisitive nature making it impossible to resist.
"Sweet."
"Oh no, it could be dangerous," I warned and snatched it away.
"You're touching it," she said and stuck out her bot
tom lip.
"I'm a wizard. And to answer your question, yes I would love a cup of coffee. And yes, I really would like you to call George and tell her I'm okay. Thank you."
"Fine, be like that." Vicky stormed off then popped her head back around the doorway and said with a smile, "It's nice to see you again, alive. You dirty old man."
"Nice to see you again," I mumbled, my thoughts and emotions jumbled.
Ugh, damn elves. Look what they'd gone and done now.
A Bit Crowded
Emotions roiling, body all kinds of hurting, magic depleted, and salivating at the thought of coffee and knowing there was no way in hell I was gonna get my own bed any time soon, I did what any self-respecting wizard would do after the day and night I'd had and I lifted my arms out to my sides and let myself fall back until I crashed into the sofa.
Trying to make some sense of it all, I lay there but was about as insightful as the cushions. I couldn't think straight, I ached and hurt too much. I was sure things had gotten broken and that I'd been hit just about everywhere, yet couldn't recall where. It all blurred together into an all over throb that would need magic and food and sleep to recover from. My stomach rumbled. When had I eaten? Yesterday? Maybe, but was it even today? It could have been tomorrow or next week for all I knew.
I closed my eyes and felt myself begin to drift, but that was not good. Yes, I was running on a backup I didn't really have, but sleep would have to wait. The elves would be coming, and they would be pissed. If I ever got out of this, Elion and I were going to have words. He must have known his siblings would hear about our "deal" and be after the Ræth Næg. The lanky git could have warned me. He could have taken his bloody business elsewhere.
I prised my eyes open with my fingers as they weren't responding to my orders, and moved to push up from the sofa once again.
And with impeccable timing, Sasha came waltzing into the living room looking divine and trailing faery dust like a flower girl at a wedding. She smiled at me, dazzling and beautiful as always, and I grinned back, truly happy to see her.
"You look awful. Worse than usual. Look at your face, it's all lumpy and bruised." She made it sound like an accusation, like it was my doing.
"Hey, I've had a few problems. It's not my fault."
"Arthur, it is always your fault."
"Hey, no it... Okay, you have a point. But I didn't want the damn elves to—" my happiness at being back in my own world, and seeing the women I loved yet moaned about, turned to terror as the portal by the sofa crackled and two very pissed off elves hurtled through and landed right on top of me.
The male punched me in the face, hard, and as bone cracked I caught sight of Vicky coming in behind Sasha. She didn't even have my coffee!
"Get out of here," I screamed, but it was too late. The elves' heads whipped around and they scowled as they saw Sasha then smiled at the sight of Vicky. The air spat and shimmered with magic and forces from the Nolands as the portal pulsed wildly. Faery dust spun and spiraled, whizzing around our heads like demented fireflies, and I watched in dismay as Vicky, never one to miss out on something new and exciting, stepped further into the room and grabbed Sasha's hand.
The female elf was already off me and going for my friends as her brother slammed down hard again with his fist. But I was ready this time. I managed to grab my wand and brought it up just in time for his punch to connect with the wood, but it was a poor plan, and all that happened was he smashed the wand against my already splatted nose.
My eyes filled with water and my mouth filled with blood, but I'd be damned if I'd let them mess up Vicky's home or my face. She'd already had her sanctuary violated and I'd already been punched enough, so it was time to put these fuckers in their place.
Weak magic rushed to repair the damage, and my face flushed and stung as bone and cartilage cracked and realigned. It hurt like nobody's business but at least my nose was straight again. The elf sneered and pushed down hard against my wand, trying to force it and his fist right through my face. I was weak, and getting weaker, but I wasn't about to go out like this, not here, not now, not by them. And certainly not with an audience.
"A little help?" I asked, glancing at Sasha, but she shook her head then paid me no mind. Guess some annoying faery rule was in place and I was on my own.
But something changed in her demeanor and her beauty hardened into a stony, emotionless glare at the elf that sauntered over to her and Vicky with a cocky swagger that made Vicky take a step back. Sasha pulled her hand away from Vicky's then shoved her rudely out of the door. It slammed behind her. I heard Vicky's shouts and knocks above the din of magic and the violence of the portal but the door remained shut.
My gangly foe glanced around and I jerked my body, bucking him off me. I rolled to the carpet then grabbed the elven staff and whacked him across the head, taking the opportunity to get to my feet. Boy was I tired, and I was so close to just laying back down and letting them finish me off, but this was Sasha, and Vicky was in danger, and that could not happen.
But how do you get rid of nasty elves that want what you have and are seriously pissed off with you because you beat them up then ran away?
You kind of don't, and that right there was the problem.
The sister squared up to Sasha, but my faery godmother held her ground and lifted her hands from her side. Faery dust shot from the air and coalesced on her upturned palms, swirling with angry energy that spat violence and dread into the room, making my head throb and my mind reel. Sasha shouted something but the words meant nothing to me, and then the room burst into incandescent light as the faery dust exploded like a thousand small bombs, blinding me, deafening me, and throwing me back onto the sofa.
I got off lightly. When my eyes focused again, the elves were stumbling around screaming, hands held to their ears, eyes dripping blood. Sasha was transformed. She was wild. Her long blond hair was blowing around her angelic face like we were in a gale force wind. Her tight blue dress was practically bursting as her body expanded with strange faery magic that pulsed through the air, and the faery dust was clouding around her like kids pleased to see their mommy.
"Do something," she warned, and I sensed the change in the atmosphere. Already her magic was waning, and as I turned it was easy to see why.
The elves were holding hands, chanting in their native tongue as they moved closer to her, step by torturous step. The dust was settling and Sasha was shrinking before my eyes, back to her regular size, all shapely hips and bouncy... er, lady bits.
"What?" I shouted into the strong wind, knowing I didn't have enough inside me to summon magic powerful enough.
"Anything," she said sweetly, her voice calm, as if resigned to some awful fate I absolutely would not let happen.
I dug deep for every scrap of will and power I had, but knew it wasn't enough. Knew I couldn't destroy these devils even if I was at my peak, let alone in my current condition.
Then I had an idea, and as they lunged for Sasha and she dodged back, I launched myself at the elves and ripped out a small handful of hair from each of their heads. They spun, annoyed more than anything, but I was already back at the sofa. Picking up the elven staff, I wrapped the hairs around the length, following the spirals, and prayed this would work.
Their eyes widened as they saw what I was doing and turned away from Sasha. Hair tight around the wood, I gripped it at either end and rested my bent leg on Vicky's coffee table. "Leave my faery godmother alone, you lanky freaks," I warned, and as they dove forward I brought the mystery wand down as hard as I could on my thigh. The wood snapped, energy burst from the split and shot up to the ceiling. White-hot, blinding energy billowed across the ceiling like fire and the air was filled with the sickly tang of singed hair.
Then I threw the two pieces through the portal and they were sucked away.
Sasha wasted no time as the elves tried to retreat, the spell I'd used still in effect, linking them to the elven wood and pulling them toward the portal.
&
nbsp; "Bye, bye, dears," said Sasha sweetly, and she shoved them both hard in the back.
They launched from the carpet headfirst, bodies elongating as even now they fought against the spell and the draw of the portal, until they were stretched out across the room, bodies sinking into the cold emptiness. With a flash they were gone, sucked down into the Nolands and dumped out back on that desolate landscape.
With a wink, the portal crackled then shrank to a pinpoint before finally blinking out of existence altogether.
"Ha, this time I saved you," I said.
"My hero," said Sasha with a big, delicious smile and an even bigger dose of sarcasm.
The door opened and Vicky stumbled into the room rubbing her shoulder. She looked around then frowned at the sight of her living room.
"I'll call the Cleaner. Again," I said, then dropped to the sofa and decided I'd stay there forever.
"I do not like elves," said Sasha.
"No, neither do I," I said. Then I brightened. "Hey, is the coffee ready?"
Vicky looked from me to Sasha, then back again. I gave her my best smile and she shook her head, mumbled something I don't think was a compliment, then went to get the coffee.
Some mornings are better than others, but coffee makes every morning at least bearable.
A Quick Cuppa
"Aah, so good." I took another sip of coffee, now sitting in Vicky's kitchen at the table with her and Sasha.
Vicky was all nervous energy, fluttering about from place to place, sitting then standing, then doing random stuff like checking for mail between dealing with the neighbors again. She wouldn't let me call the Cleaner, said she'd sort the living room herself. I was too tired to argue, and probably too tired to care.