by Karis Walsh
Back to her mouth. The delicious scratch of Maggie’s short nails on her scalp. A thigh pressed between her legs and resting snugly against the crotch of her pants. If they hadn’t been standing in the water, they’d be on the ground now with clothes coming off. Tam stepped back too fast and slipped, almost falling on her ass in the pond.
Maggie reached out to steady her, with a hand under each of Tam’s elbows. Even the non-intimate touch rubbed Tam’s nerves raw.
“I didn’t expect…” Tam hadn’t expected any of this. Her father’s letter, his revelations, her own crazy relocation to be near him, or her conflicting refusal to spend time with him. Even more bewildering was Maggie. From the moment Tam had seen her smile, she’d been hooked. Their situation had forced a closeness Tam had welcomed at first, but now it was moving too fast.
Tam shook her head. She and Maggie had shared personal information because of their circumstances—Maggie was helping her work through the issues with her father and the transplant process. But Tam had a feeling she’d have melted into Maggie’s kiss the same way if they’d met casually at a bar or mall. Sickness and doubts and guilt surrounded them, but the only reality that mattered was taking place between the two of them. Separate from everything and everyone else.
The realization struck Tam as hard as the kiss had. She’d be better able to cope if she could explain away her feelings for Maggie as the by-product of her emotional reunion with her father, but she couldn’t.
Tam stepped away again, more carefully this time. She wondered if Maggie could somehow read her thoughts, because her expression seemed to grow distant while Tam’s mind was trying to do the same thing.
“The situation between us is complex,” Maggie said slowly, as if choosing her words carefully. “I think this would be a good time to take a step back. Put some space between us while we sort through our feelings. Separately.” Maggie paused. “On our own.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Tam said. Why was she annoyed by the I need space speech when she had been about to give the same one to Maggie? “Look, I’ve got enough samples from this location. Why don’t I drive you back to your car and you can have all the separation you need.”
“Tam, wait,” Maggie said, splashing after her as she walked away. “The kiss was wonderful. You are wonderful. I’m just not ready—”
Tam stopped and held up her hand. “I get it, Maggie. I don’t want to get too involved any more than you do. Just spare me the clichés.”
Maggie nodded, her eyes red as if she was holding back tears. Tears of what? Pity for Tam? Regret over the kiss? Or sadness because neither of them had been ready for the fire they ignited between them? Tam wasn’t sure. She turned and walked back to her car.
*
Maggie tapped on the plate-glass window of the Beachcomber Bookstore and waved at her twin sister Jocelyn, who was setting up a display in the front case. Jocelyn smiled and extricated herself from the book-filled dormer while Maggie opened the door and went inside. Jocelyn came over and gave her a big hug. She had been kneeling in the cramped window space, baked by the heat of the sun coming through the glass, but she somehow looked as if she’d just hopped out of the shower and into a designer outfit. Her pinstripe oxford shirt was neatly pressed and unbuttoned enough at the neck to show the curved neckline of a perfectly white tank. Her beige slacks were creased and tidy. In comparison, Maggie felt like something that had recently crawled out of a swamp. Which she had. Her jeans felt glued to her legs after hours in rubber waders, and she’d barely managed to make her red curls look presentable after Tam’s hands had been tangled in them.
The thought of their kiss brought flames to Maggie’s cheeks and she fanned herself with her hand, hoping to throw her too-perceptive sister off the scent of a juicy story.
“It’s warm out there in the sun. It feels good to be inside.”
Jocelyn wrinkled her brow. “Yeah, it must be at least…what? Sixty-five degrees out there? A real heat wave.”
“Mm-hmm.” Maggie wandered toward the counter where her sister always kept a full pot of coffee. “The store looks great, by the way. Ready for the tourist season.”
She poured herself a cup of coffee and dumped heaping scoops of sugar and creamer in it before wandering to one of the endcap displays. She avoided looking over at her silent sister and instead studied the display. Stacks of Jocelyn’s girlfriend’s books were pleasingly arranged, and each one had an autographed-by-author sticker on it. “You must keep Ari busy every night signing books.”
“Among other things,” Jocelyn said in a self-satisfied voice. Maggie looked at her in surprise and Jocelyn shrugged with a big grin. “What? Haven’t you seen someone in love before?”
“Never you and never this much love,” Maggie said. She put down her coffee and went over to hug Jocelyn again. “I love knowing you’re happy.”
“Deliriously.” Jocelyn put her hands on Maggie’s shoulders and held her at arm’s length. “Now stop changing the subject and tell me what’s going on with you. You look different somehow. Have you been on another of your adventures? What was it this time—spelunking? Swimming with the sharks?”
“Of course not,” Maggie said. She tried to move away but Jocelyn held her in place. “If I’d done anything like that I would have had you waiting for me with a bottle of champagne if I survived.”
“I’m left with only one explanation,” Jocelyn said with a smug smile. “Who is she?”
“She? There is no she.”
Jocelyn’s gaze dropped to Maggie’s neck. “Do you have a hickey?”
Crap. Maggie clutched her throat with her hand. She hadn’t checked herself carefully enough in the rearview mirror of her car. “No…I mean, I think I’m allergic to something. I’ve had these hives and—”
Jocelyn pushed her playfully. “I was kidding, Mags. But obviously you were doing something with someone and there was a possibility of a hickey. Tell me about her.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” Maggie said. She walked back to the counter where she’d left her coffee and took a sip. “We kissed, but it’s over now. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Right. So you came here, to see me. The one person you know will be able to read you and know something’s going on. But you don’t want to talk about it.”
Maggie paused with her cup partway to her mouth. Joss was right, of course. Maggie could have gone directly home after Tam dropped her off at the inn. She could have waited until she was back in control of herself before she saw her sister. What happened between her and Tam was a fluke—emotions were running high because of Tam’s situation and Maggie’s own internal conflicts. They’d fallen into each other’s arms, but they had managed to get away unscathed. Or had they?
“Start with an easy one,” Jocelyn said. “Tell me her name.”
Maggie waved her hand. “She’s no one.”
“Okay. What you really mean is she’s someone I know. Do you want me to start listing all the residents of Cannon Beach in alphabetical order? I’ll see it in your face when I say the right name.” Jocelyn headed toward the back of her store where she kept her file cabinet. Of course there’d be a folder in there with Tam’s name on it. Could Maggie escape before Jocelyn got to the Ks?
“Fine. Tamsyn Kalburg.” Even saying Tam’s name gave Maggie a prickle of delight.
“No way. The Viking goddess? Good job, Mags.”
Maggie laughed at the nickname. She hadn’t heard it before, but it fit Tam’s strong and beautiful appearance. “I guess we’re talking about the same woman, but don’t congratulate me on anything. We shared one kiss, and now it’s over.”
But what a kiss it had been. Maggie wouldn’t forget it anytime soon, if ever.
“Let me guess. You got scared and pulled back.” Jocelyn didn’t wait for Maggie’s response. “What have we done to you?”
“We?” Maggie asked with a frown.
“Me. Gem. You’ve been afraid of life since my illness, and Gem pushed you over
the edge when she left. You’ve imploded.”
“First of all, don’t lump yourself in with her. Yes, maybe I worry about you a little, but I’m getting better.” Maggie couldn’t lie to Jocelyn. “Well, at least I’m trying. And Gem…well, you never liked her. You should be glad she left.”
Jocelyn shook her head. “I’m not glad you got hurt. But no, I didn’t think Gem was right for you. She never seemed to make you feel cherished, and a partner should do that for you. She wanted you to change, and you let her convince you that you aren’t good enough as you are. Ask me, ask anyone in this town or anyone you’ve treated at the hospital. You’re more than good enough as you are. You’re exceptional.”
Maggie turned away and stood in silence for a few moments, staring at the books surrounding her. The main displays were for the tourists now. Best sellers and local travel guides. Mass appeal. A veneer of banality similar to what the rest of Cannon Beach’s stores showed on the surface. In the background were the books that nourished the people who came to Jocelyn’s store. So much of this community was coursing beneath the surface, available only to those who looked deeply for it. Jocelyn fed Maggie the same way she did her regular customers. By reaching inside her and giving her exactly what she needed.
“Tam didn’t think I was missing anything,” she said. On the contrary, Tam had seemed to see inside her soul and to like what she saw there. “But it’s complicated. She’s going through some family things…”
“Then take it slow, Mags, but don’t give up completely.” Jocelyn came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t need to leap out of a plane or fly to another country to make changes. Sometimes the small steps are the ones that eventually take you farthest.”
Maggie sighed and leaned toward Jocelyn’s hand. She’d have to jump out of a hundred planes before she’d feel anything close to the emotions Tam’s kiss had stirred in her. Jocelyn was right. Maggie really had come here, subconsciously at least, for advice and comfort. Maggie had to accept the former if she wanted the latter. She’d tried to shut out any possibility for her and Tam to repeat today’s kiss, but she wouldn’t close the door completely. Even the thought of another chance to touch Tam made her terrified and exhilarated at the same time. “Sometimes the small steps are the scariest.”
*
Tam got to the hospital two hours before her scheduled appointment with Maggie. They hadn’t spoken in over four days, since their glorious and heartbreaking kiss in the middle of the pond. Maggie had been silent during the car ride back to the inn, not speaking after Tam told her to stop with the typical breakup platitudes. Apparently, she didn’t have anything more profound to say to Tam than I need my space. Maybe the kiss hadn’t meant anything to her.
Tam couldn’t get it off her mind. Or out of her dreams and fantasies. Her heart had raced when she’d heard Maggie’s voice on the phone yesterday, but all she’d said was that Tam’s test results were in and she wanted to discuss them with her.
Without wavering, Tam walked directly to her father’s room and opened the door. He was really sleeping this time, his hands still and his face relaxed and sagging slightly. Tam stood by the bed for a few minutes and watched him sleep. Her life had been defined by him leaving. What power he had had over her, even in his absence. Or, rather, because of his absence. He looked very human to her all of a sudden. A man who was sick and asleep.
Tam sighed and pulled the gray chair a little closer to his bed. She sat and curled her feet beneath her, then got out her book and started to read.
She stayed in the same position for over an hour, turning pages with a quiet rustle, and occasionally glancing at her father. When she looked at him the next time, his eyes were open and he was watching her.
“He’s one of my favorite authors. Patrick O’Brien,” he said, gesturing at her book.
Tam took her time placing a bookmark between pages. “I’ve never read him before. Jocelyn, Maggie’s sister, recommended it to me when I went to her bookstore.”
“Ah, the Book Witch,” he said with a weak smile. He leaned his head back on the pillow. “That’s her nickname around here, because she always seems to know exactly the right title to recommend. She’s the one who got me reading him in the first place.”
Like father, like daughter. Would the similarities never end? “Why’d you come back here?” she asked. “You left when I was here and came back when I wasn’t. I think I’ll have to take it personally.”
“Not you. Your mother. It was never about you.”
Tam opened her mouth to respond, but shut it again. She’d never really thought about their marriage beyond how it affected her. When he’d initially left, she’d been too young to see them as individuals and not just her parents, and the pattern of thinking had stuck. It didn’t excuse him, but she felt an odd sensation of stepping off center stage for a brief moment. Her parents’ lives would probably have played out the same way whether or not she’d been born. Remembering their fights, sending herself back in time as an observer and not the star, was an interesting experience.
“You’re a lot like her, you know,” her father said.
Tam laughed without humor. “Again, I’ll take that personally. You just said you couldn’t be in the same town with her.”
Markus waved his hand. “We weren’t good for each other. We learned that soon after we got married and had you, but we tried to make it work. By the end, we couldn’t be in the same state, let alone city. But I’ll always love her, just like I love you. You should have seen her when we first met. Feisty and smart. She had the same way of arching her eyebrow, just like you do, when she was about to say something sarcastic. You take after me more, though.”
Tam was wondering whether she’d ever in her life heard her father say so many words at once, but his last sentence jarred her because she’d been thinking the same thing, in a negative way. “I know I do. I’m a roamer, never satisfied to stay in one place. I’m incapable of maintaining relationships and I only think of myself.”
“Oh, Tamsyn. Don’t imitate my mistakes. You’re better than that.”
Tam’s voice rose and she struggled to keep it from disturbing anyone beyond this room. “Am I? I don’t think so. You can’t beat genetics.” She stood, ready to leave. She didn’t want to wait around until Maggie came in and said her liver was the perfect match. Her father held out a hand to stop her. She didn’t touch him, but she stayed.
“Do you want to know what parts of myself I see in you? You love books and nature, and you probably spend most of your time alone. You’re not a roamer. You’re an explorer, an adventurer. And when the right person comes along, you’ll be more capable of love and loyalty than you ever dreamed possible.”
Tam frowned. The last sentence sounded personal—for her father, not for her. Of course he had found someone else during those three decades, but Tam had assumed he’d had numerous companions, not someone special. The image of him with another family constricted her throat until she could barely breathe, let alone rasp out the questions tumbling through her mind. Where was this mystery woman? Had she died or left or been abandoned like Tam and her mother? And God forbid, did Tam have siblings? The questions might be answered at some point, but right now Tam could only manage to ask a simple one. “Who was she?”
Markus shook his head and looked away. “I’ll tell you about her sometime, if you really want to hear. I wish I’d had that kind of relationship with your mother, but I didn’t. And when she found out I was with someone new, she told me never to come back. I should have tried harder to see you.”
Tam sighed and sat at the foot of the bed, as weary as her father sounded. “Yes, you should have,” she said, but the venom was gone from her voice.
Maggie tapped on the door. “Am I interrupting?”
Tam got to her feet and looked at Maggie. Her face was pale, making her freckles stand out more than usual, and her usually bright smile was dimmed. Had the past four days been hard on her, too?
“No. We were just talking,” Tam said.
Maggie looked from her to her father and grinned with more of her usual cheerfulness. “Good to hear. I’m going to steal you away for just a moment, Tam. Then we can come back here and chat.”
Tam followed her out the door, unsure where the conversation would lead. Once they were in Maggie’s office again, she didn’t keep Tam waiting any longer.
“You’re a good match, Tam. The surgeon in Portland believes the chance of a successful transplant is quite high. I wanted to tell you in private, to let you think about what you want to do now. This is your medical information, and I’ll only share it with your dad if you say I can.”
“What’s the next step? Provided I say yes, of course.”
“You’ll need to go to Portland for a procedure to map your liver’s blood vessels. They’ll most likely do another CT scan as well. Things get more invasive from this point forward, and I think it might be best if you make your decision now, before proceeding.”
Tam was silent, and Maggie came around her desk again. Just like the first time they’d met in this office, Maggie stood close enough to touch.
“I’ll give you as much time as you need to think this through, Tam. I just want to add that I think you’re very brave to have come this far. I know none of this has been easy for you, and I admire what you’ve done. I think you’re an amazing person.” Maggie’s voice snagged on the last sentence, but she cleared her throat and stood upright. “I can let you have some privacy.”