by Jahquel J
I’m not gonna front. Getting clean was on my list of things to do, and I had planned on going and seeking help. After Hazel left the house a few weeks ago, I shut the fuck down and started doing drugs more heavily. Coke just wasn’t giving me that same high, so I was chopping up Xanax in my coke. It was giving me just enough high to take me over the edge and forget all about my issues. The only time I left the house was to go grab some Red Bulls and chips and then I came back home. Why else did I have to leave the crib? Yoshon took everything that mattered from me, so why else should I leave my crib? Pit Pat had been calling me like crazy and she even showed up over here a few times. I didn’t answer the phone and I had changed the locks shortly after I found Hazel sleeping in the closet. When Hazel was over here, I could see in her eyes that she would come back.
She didn’t pop up over here like Pit Pat did, but she called and sent me text messages a bunch of times. Each time I ignored them. It hurt too much to speak or have her near me. It was best that we let things remain how they were. I could have been petty and took the salon from her and made a big deal out of the shit she took when she left. For what? I owed her more than the shop, clothes, and car. Hazel had been with me when her parents were against the shit and I respected her for that. Even when I proved to be everything her parents said I would be, she still fought for me and then went home an empty crib because I was out, proving her parents right. Denim lost years ago and I celebrated that win while he fell back. Now, I owed him that same respect he handed me years ago, and I needed to fall back so she could have a chance. If I didn’t, Hazel would choose to get roped into my bullshit and blow her chance at happiness with her husband.
I took a quick sniff of the Xanax and coke then leaned back and finished watching some tennis match. Tennis wasn’t my shit, so I didn’t know why the fuck I was watching the shit. The high took over me quick so I leaned further back and enjoyed the shit. Some white boy was talking about the shit when I was food shopping. His friend was selling his anxiety medicine and I bought some off him. Ever since, it was a fucking wrap and I had been high out of my damn mind. My damn soul damn near jumped out of my body before my body reacted when I heard my doorbell ring. It was a little after eight at night and nobody should have been at my door. Pulling up my electric doorbell app, I squinted to be sure I wasn’t tripping. Big Ben was standing at my front door.
“The fuck is he doing here?” I whispered to myself. My heart started beating out of my chest as I watched my first love look at his watch before he switched his approach and knocked on the door this time.
Standing up slowly, I made my way to the front door and stood there before I opened the door. Why was he here and how the fuck did he know where I slept? The real questions I should have asked, was why I was standing with the door opened in my boxers and sports bra? The next question was when the fuck did I open the door?
“Yo, we need to fucking talk,” he told me and pushed his way into my crib. Why was I surprised? Big Ben was never the type to ask or wait for an answer. He made moves based on what he felt, not the opposite.
“Yo…you here for what?” I slurred. The high was taking effect with each step I took. Before I was feeling good, now I was paranoid and upset because I was trying to focus and I couldn’t.
“Yolani, you on that shit? I heard that you fucking around with that white lady,” he accused. Everybody needed to mind their business and allow me to do what I wanted to do. What the fuck did they get out of talking about me? It wasn’t like I was fucking with anybody, I was minding my business and doing what the fuck I wanted to do.
“Nigga, you just got out and trying to take control. In case you didn’t notice, I like pussy. Wet pussy gets this cat wet now,” I laughed and stumbled on my way back to the den.
Ben didn’t say anything. His face was solemn as he followed behind me and watched me plop back down on the couch and grab my candy stash. “I been gone for a minute and I can’t say that I respect the way you went about things, but I respect your sexuality. Let me tell you one thing, you go and do some drugs in front of me, and I’m gonna set it the fuck off in this crib.”
Tossing the little metal box that I held my coke and xannys in, I crossed my arms and stared at him. “Why the fuck did I open the door?”
“You don’t go and see Yairo, but you got time to be doing this shit? The fuck up with that? Gina told me you don’t even want to see him.”
“Ben, stop acting like you don’t know what it is when it came to Yairo. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and Gina was. She’s his mother, what I look like trying to step in and try to know him now.”
“A fucking mother, Yolani. You out here doing the fucking most, but can’t even be a permanent fixture in your son’s life? Damn, you can even say you’re his aunt or something.”
“For what? Does that make it better that I signed him over with ease? You and your sister so busy trying to have me be in his life, but never stopped to think why I’m not.” The tears were threatening to come down and I was trying hard to hold them back. Being high as hell didn’t help keep them at bay because they started dropping down my cheeks.
“You didn’t give him up with ease. Lani, you forget I fucking know you? You fucking cried soon as they took him out the room. You made all the nurses and doctors leave the room and broke down. The shit wasn’t easy on neither of us. You shut me out until I got locked up and then didn’t call or visit me for ten years, what the fuck was that about?”
“It was hard!” I screamed while covering my face with my hands. “Giving up my baby, losing my first love to prison and then having to step up and show my brother that I could do the job I had begged him for. It was all hard. You were the only person who knew and understood me, Ben… And you left me,” I whimpered.
He moved closer to me and sat down next to me on the couch. “Lan, you know I didn’t leave you because I wanted to. I had to go or they would have brought your brother’s entire operation down. I took that L to make sure he built something bigger. You left me. How the fuck did you think it felt to sit in a cell and not receive any mail, calls or visits from you?”
“I couldn’t,” the words were barely above a whisper, but he understood what I had said. “My heart couldn’t take it.”
“And I understood that, so I didn’t hold the shit against you. But, all this? You changed and didn’t bother to give me a heads up. I came home thinking we’d rekindle what we had.”
“Ben, I don’t want to do this right now.” I tried to get off the couch, but he pulled me back down and forced me to stare into his eyes.
“Nah, we gonna do this right now,” he scooped up my candy box. “This shit is a dub and you trying to use to cover up all the shit you hid. Talk that shit out, Lan.”
Lan. It was a name he called me and I smiled thinking of all the laughs we shared with him using that name. “Let me do what I do. I’m not tripping or bothering nobody. I’m doing me and chilling.”
“Nah, you are fucking tripping by putting this shit in your body.”
“Oh, it’s cool for us to supply it, but it’s an issue when we start using the same product? I’m just getting my head gone and chilling… leave me the fuck alone,” I tried to convince myself when I knew it was more. This shit took over my life and I couldn’t function without taking a hit. What started out as something to get my mind right, turned into something I couldn’t function without using.
“All that shit dead. Look at this crib. Clothes thrown all over the place, the fucking garbage in the kitchen stink and I peeped those dishes stacked up in the sink. Where the hell is Pit Pat?”
“In her fucking skin,” I snickered and tried to grab the small stash I always hid beside the couch. While he was chatting about shit I didn’t give a fuck about, I was reaching for my stash. He had walked to the kitchen, so I took a sniff of this shit and leaned back on the couch while the motions went through my body. My pussy was wet, my nipples tingled, and I felt like if I got off this couch, I would float into
the next room. My eyes were closed as I held the baggie in my hand and sunk deeper into the couch.
“Yo, what the fuck?” I felt Big Ben’s big ass hands slap me across the face. I couldn’t even react because the slap felt good as hell. The sting tingled and meshed well with all the goodness I was already feeling through my body.
“L…l,” I told him.
“Huh? Nah, you gotta be watched. I’m not doing this shit with you.” His arms wrapped around my body and he picked me up and carried me up the stairs. I felt him lower me into something and it was cold as shit. Looking around, he had put me in the tub in the guest bedroom. I was about to scream out to him to chill when he turned on the shower, and the cold ass water sprayed out the shower head. Surprisingly, the shit felt good as hell, which pissed Ben off even further.
“You high as fuck. Nah, this don’t make no sense,” I heard him mutter as he picked my wet ass up out the tub. I don’t know what the hell happened because I was floating on Mars at this point. It was like the cold water enhanced the high.
The blinds in the den were opened so the sun was shining right into my face. My body ached, my head was throbbing, and my mouth was dry as shit. Clearing my throat, I leaned up and noticed that I wasn’t in the den, I was in the guest bedroom upstairs. How the fuck did I end up here and why wasn’t I in my own damn bed? This room was used for when Pit Pat came and stayed with me. Moving my hair out of my face, I covered my eyes and tried to shield them from the sun. Planting my feet onto the floor, I shuffled my way down the hall to my bedroom to go into my candy stash. I needed something to get me up and deal with this pain that I was feeling this morning. Reaching under the bed, I noticed that my shit was gone.
“Damn, where did I put it?” I mumbled to myself as I went to go take a piss. It was then I noticed the smell of breakfast being cooked. “Who the fuck in my shit?” I whispered to myself again.
Armed with my gun, I crept downstairs and ducked behind a wall. Peeking around the wall, Pit Pat was in the kitchen, and Big Ben was sitting at the island eating breakfast. Was I fucking dreaming or was I still high? I sat my gun on the side table and walked slowly into the kitchen with a confused expression on my face.
“Oh, you finally up and ready to start the day,” Big Ben laughed as he stuffed some eggs into his mouth.
“What are y’all doing in my house?”
“Getting you off that damn pipe, crackhead,” Pit Pat waved her wooden spoon at me. “Can’t believe you out here behaving like a damn drug addict,” she said through gritted teeth.
“I’m not a fucking crackhead.”
“Coke leads to crack so I’m helping you get to the next step. Your brother doesn’t need this shit with him taking head of the Santana cartel. You think he needs Baru questioning how he rules when his little sister is out here doing the same drugs he’s supposed to be pushing?”
“I don’t give a fuck.” It was plain and simple. I didn’t give a fuck about what Yoshon had to explain. “You don’t want your faggot and drug-addicted granddaughter to fuck up the golden boy’s chance to do something great? We all family here, right? Tell everyone how much you hate that I’m gay and all the foul shit you said to me when I was growing up?”
Pit Pat sat her spoon down and stared down at the pot before she stared me right in the eyes. “Would I have rather you marry a man and have babies, yes. I’m a roman catholic, Yolani. We don’t believe in that, and it’s a sin for you to love on a woman and not be married. I’ve said shit that I shouldn’t have to you and I’m sorry that it has hurt you. I was supposed to protect you and I was hurting you with my words. When I realized this is what you wanted, I supported you and Hazel’s marriage. I don’t support what you two have going on, but I respect it.”
It was no secret that me and Pit Pat had a strained relationship. She was so protective and wanting to do everything for me out of guilt. The shit she used to say to me used to cut deep. That old saying that words don’t hurt was a fucking lie. Some of my deepest pain has come from the tongues of the people I care about. Pit Pat was the reason I struggled for so long with my sexuality. I knew what I was attracted to and I fought against it because it wasn’t what she wanted for me. Trying to be someone that you wasn’t was the hardest shit for me. I wanted to kill myself and fought with suicidal thoughts daily. After having my son, I had an epiphany and realized that I was going to do what the fuck I wanted because I wanted to. Pit Pat liked to act as if she changed for me; I made her change because she realized I never came around the crib or spent holidays with she and Yoshon.
“Yeah. You’re sorry, right? Sorry that you didn’t embrace me like you do your golden child?”
Yoshon was Pit Pat’s favorite and you could tell. Since we were younger, she had always treated him like the favorite. In her eyes, Yoshon could do no wrong. “Yolani, you know I love you and I want the best for you. I don’t treat either of you better than the other. Yoshon is older and he’s always been more mature for his age, so I leaned on him when I needed him.”
“I’m tired of hearing about all of this shit. Why y’all in my crib just hanging like I want company?”
“We’re getting you cleaned. This crib is going to be locked down and I found all your little stashes with the help of your grandmother. I got a sober coach, therapist and a nurse coming to the crib tomorrow.”
“The fuck you don’t!” I hollered.
“You don’t have a choice.”
“I’ll fucking leave,” I spat and went to the front door. The fucking doorknob was gone and there was a keyhole installed in its place. “Where the fuck is my doorknob?”
“I had someone come and install new key knobs. You can’t leave unless you have the key. After you got so high last night and didn’t know your name, I called some people in to help get you clean. You weren’t going to agree to go to rehab, so I’m bringing rehab to you.” Big Ben stood behind me with his arms folded.
“No, you don’t understand. I can’t be in the house, I’ll go fucking crazy,” I gripped his shirt and pleaded. My pleas fell on deaf ears because he was staring down at me and shaking his head. I could tell that he wasn’t falling for what I was saying. “Where’s the phone? Yoshon will make sure this shit is shut down.”
“Yoshon is the one who helped pay for all of this and sent me over here,” Pit Pat appeared. “You don’t call or speak to your brother and expect him to still bail you out of trouble? Well, he’s not bailing you out of anything except that damn addiction you have.”
“No, please. Please don’t do it,” I begged. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I begged them, which is something I didn’t do and they still shook their heads no.
“Give me your cell phone.” Ben held out his hand for me to hand over the one lifeline I had to the outside.
“Hell nah. You can’t get my phone,” I sniffled.
He held up the phone and laughed. “See what being high does? It was in the den going off the entire night with your grandmother and Hazel calling. I tried to ask you to see how cooperative you’d be and you gave me your answer. Go eat,” he demanded.
Standing there like a child who had just gotten her phone privileges and outside privileges snatched away, I folded my arms and grilled both Ben and Pit Pat.
“Girl, you aren’t intimidating anyone in here. Go on and eat your breakfast before it gets too cold.” Pit Pat cut her eyes at me and headed right by me with fresh linen.
“Why the fuck you get out of prison and try to ruin my life?”
“You’ll thank me in due time,” he smirked and walked right past me toward the door. “Pit, I’m about to handle business, and I’ll be back later,” he called upstairs.
“Okay, be careful in them streets,” Pit Pat called down and continued doing her rounds for the rooms upstairs.
“Can Hazel visit me?”
“We’ll talk when I get back.” He kissed me on the forehead and left out the door; quickly closing it behind him. What the fuck did I get myself into?
&
nbsp; 6
Yoshon
My sister. The shit hurt like hell that my sister was as bad as she was. Pit Pat had come home to grab some more clothes and she was telling me how bad Yolani was. When Golden told me she was using, I thought she was acting out, and she would stop. To hear that she was going through withdrawals and Big Ben had to keep her from trying to fight Pit Pat had me hurt as fuck. As her older brother, I failed her in the worst way. I didn’t protect her and keep her from the harm I knew the streets could bring.
“It’s not your fault, Yoshon.” Grape touched my shoulder and took a seat next to Pit Pat. “Yolani is old enough and she made her choice when she started using that shit.”
“I need to get back so I can prepare lunch. Big Ben really cares for that girl.”
“I gotta hit Ben off with some bread for looking out the way he has.” I made a mental note. Grape shook his head. “What?”
“It’s not about the bread, son. He’s doing that shit because he and Yolani had something back in the day. He love the shit out of your sister and was hurt she kept everything from him while he was locked up.
“I would have thought that would have faded with him being in prison all that time.”
“Nah.”
Big Ben and Yolani always had a close friendship. I never knew just how close they were until I found out about Big Ben taking Yolani’s virginity. Information always seemed to find its way back to me.
“Be safe, and let me know when Baru gets into town,” Pit Pat came around my desk and kissed me on the cheek. “Grape, you too.”