by Jahquel J
“I’m trying so hard to make this marriage work. Denim is great, but he works just as much as Yolani does. He’s a good man, but my heart isn’t with him,” she sobbed and sniffled at the same time.
“I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel, but if it doesn’t feel right, then you need to trust your intuition.”
“You see my mother’s face? She’s so damn excited and proud to be showing me off. How do I get to be happy and not break her heart?”
“Fuck yo mama,” I stated and she stared at me with a shocked expression. “Yes, I said fuck yo mama. This is your life, not her life. You need to do what makes you happy because that baby inside of you feels every emotion that you’re feeling. If Denim isn’t where you want to be, then you need to tell him that and end this marriage. Stop trying to make everyone happy when you’re the only one that matters. If your mother is disappointed or mad at you, hell, I don’t know what to tell you. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from toxic people, and yes, that means family members too. If she can’t be happy that you’re truly happy with Yolani, then remove her from your life. With you having this baby, you don’t need that energy around you anyway.”
Blotting her face, she sniffled and pulled herself together. “Thank you, Golden. I really appreciate you listening to me. I have to be perfect every time I turn around. Life feels like it’s draining out of me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“There’s a lot you can do. Making yourself happy is the first step.” I hugged her and walked over to the door. “Pull yourself together and then come greet these people who you have no clue who they are.”
“I will.”
“Okay,” I smiled and headed out the door.
“Golden?” she called me back and I peeked my head back into the bathroom.
“Yes?”
“Happy looks good on you.” She smiled at me.
“Yes, I love it. Now, it’s your turn,” I challenged and closed the door behind me. Whoever planned this had this set up like a wedding. I found the card table with my table number on it and sat down. The server brought me another drink and some crab puffs. Sitting with my legs crossed, I watched the room and messed around on my phone.
“Goldie?” I heard a voice ask and stared right into Grand’s new girlfriend’s face. She had a small smile on her face, so I knew she wasn’t coming on no bullshit.
“Golden. Um, are you following me?” This bitch happened to pop up on us at lunch and now she was at Hazel’s bridal party.
She laughed and sat down. “No, Hazel’s my cousin. I didn’t know you knew her.”
“Yeah. I do.” There was no need to explain how we knew each other or anything like that. I just needed to know why she felt the need to talk to me. Even if I saw her first, I would have continued to mind my business. There was no need for us to have a conversation. I told her what I did at lunch and she could take that and run with it, if she wanted to.
“Can I talk to you outside really quick?” she looked at the other women at the table. “I promise no drama, I just really want to talk to you.”
The girl seemed so desperate to have a conversation with me, so I agreed. Sitting my drink down, I followed her down the hall. Instead of going outside, we found a plush bench away from the party and sat down.
“Grand and me are over. I don’t want no drama with him; lunch was lunch. Nothing more and nothing less,” I explained before she started with that “Hey Shirley. It’s me, Barbara” shit. Grand was the last man I ever wanted to be involved with and I was repulsed to be sharing the same last name as him.
“No, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.” She gently touched my hand. This girl seemed like a sweet girl, why the hell was she with the devil himself?
“Okay, what did you want to talk about?”
“Your son, Gyan. Grand really wants to have a relationship with his son. We want to have him over the apartment to hang out with us. He said he spent the entire lunch trying to convince you of that.”
I didn’t mean to laugh the way I laughed in her face, but I did. Grand spent the lunch telling me that I was his wife and he would never sign those divorce papers. He told me that I was his pussy and it didn’t matter how many women he fucked and claimed; I was still his number one lady, and we would be a family soon as I came to my senses. He never mentioned seeing Gyan or asked how he was doing. See, this was typical Grand. He had to find a way to paint me out to be the bad guy, so he could look like the doting father that just wanted to see his son.
“Girl, please don’t let Grand fill you with bullshit. That lunch wasn’t about Gyan and he didn’t bring our son up at all. He was too concerned with who I’m fucking and telling me that he’s not signing the papers.”
“He told me that he wanted a relationship with his son and you’ve been holding him back from having one.”
“Oh, he wants to have a relationship with the same son who he raped and beat me in front of?” Her face dropped when I revealed what Grand did. I’ve kept my past to myself and didn’t willingly tell that piece of information about Grand. Here he was making me seem like the bad guy. Even if I did allow him to see Gyan, he never asked about the boy or wanted to be bothered with him. Gyan was a pawn in his game of chess. Whenever he couldn’t get through to me, he wanted to use our son. It was the same way when we were living together.
“There’s no need to make stuff up, Golden.”
“Um, what? Ask him what the hell he was in jail for? You think I hate his ass and keep his son away because I’m petty?” I stared at her for a good two minutes before I continued. “Your man raped and beat me because I caught him cheating on me. Ask him.”
What the hell was with this bridal shower? Alicia’s ass broke down crying into her hands. “I believe you. I’m trying not to, but I can see in your eyes that you’re telling me the truth. He does small things to me, but never on the scheme of hitting me.”
“Yet,” I added for her. “Small things like asking for a kiss and biting onto your lips or pinching the hell out of you?”
She nodded her head when I asked her what those small things were. Grand did the same shit to me and I was too young to realize that it was abuse. Here I was laughing and giggling about having a man that’s crazy and didn’t play about me, and I didn’t realize that I was accepting domestic violence. Those memes that float around with men losing their shit over their women aren’t cute. A real man isn’t going to put his hands on you and blame you because you make them crazy. That shit wasn’t healthy and I wished women stopped glorifying abuse like there weren’t thousands of women in that same situation that couldn’t get out.
“He does those things when I do something that pisses him off. I lost our baby a few weeks back and he hasn’t comforted me or acknowledged that we lost our baby.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. I’m pregnant again but I’m early, so I haven’t told anyone. My fear is that I’ll do something that will cause him to hurt me and lose this baby.”
It was my turn to touch her hand. “You need to think of you and your child, Alicia. This isn’t about Grand, and Grand will never change.”
“Thank you.” She wiped her tears and collected herself. “I really appreciate you talking to me,” she thanked me.
“Alicia, there you are… I’ve been looking all over for you. My co-worker wants to meet you.” Hazel’s mother waved her over.
“Thank you again…” she told me and smiled as she rushed off to her aunt’s side. I could tell that Hazel’s mother was hard on both of them and they just both wanted to make her proud. I sat outside and scrolled on my phone for a few before I found Hazel and told her I was leaving. This party wasn’t for me and her mother was pissing me off by the way she kept staring at me like she wanted to ask me how big Yoshon’s dick was. After excusing myself, Larry was waiting outside ready to take me home.
13
Hazel
“Baby girl, you need to head home so you can
rest,” my mother touched my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek.
This bridal shower was everything that she wanted and more. It was nice to see how happy my mother was, showing off for her friends and co-workers. Everyone had a nice night and left full of food. Alicia left early because she didn’t feel too good. Something was off with her and I knew I needed to sit down and talk to her about it soon.
“I’m fine, mama,” I lied. My feet were killing me in these heels and my mind was on Yolani. Denim hadn’t called all day and I wondered what had his attention. According to my mother, this was all his idea so I thought he would have popped up to surprise me. Instead, I hadn’t heard a thing from him all day.
“The hall is getting cleaned up so we can head out. Daddy is driving us home; you want me to drive home and have him drive you and your car home?”
My mother had never been like this toward me and I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t feel good. It felt nice that she was spoiling me like I had been wanting her to do when I was a child.
“No, I’m fine. I’m going to stop and get some McDonald’s and then head home.”
“McDonald’s? You have some of the best catered food and you want that greasy mess?” she laughed. “Cravings?”
“Yes, and I’m finally giving in to them,” I lied once again.
“Okay. Text us when you get home,” she told me before she got into the car.
Soon as I got behind the wheel of my car, I put on some music and drove to McDonald’s. My plan was to go there, but I was grabbing food for me and Yolani. I had been texting her the whole bridal shower and she told me she would stay up for me. It was eight at night and I had no idea that it was going to be this long. My mother had games and a bunch of shit that I didn’t want to do. She was there to make sure everyone had a good time and put on a front.
When Golden came, I couldn’t hide how I felt anymore. It was hard to hide something when someone could sniff it out from just a look on your face. When Golden came and I broke down to her, I listened to everything she said. Still, it was hard to be happy and not disappoint my mother, all while trying not to hurt Denim for the second time. Neither of them deserved for me to hurt either of them to gain the happiness I was looking for. Yolani had made me so unhappy for so long and now I knew why. She was getting the help she needed and the more we spoke, I could see how much the real and true Yolani was emerging more and more. I loved this woman and never wanted to end our relationship. She forced my hand and it was something that I had to do even though I didn’t want to.
I stopped by McDonald’s and then headed to Yolani’s house. The sober coach had went home and she was there alone. The therapist wanted her to try and stay home alone. Her main reason was because she couldn’t be watched forever and she had to learn to depend on herself. It was a smart exercise that she had her doing. When it was all said and done, we couldn’t babysit her forever. She had to fight for her sobriety too. If she felt that she needed to go back to drugs soon as everyone was out of her sight, then that meant she wasn’t ready. Pulling into the driveway, I hopped out and hurried to the front door without any shoes on. When I got into the car, I had pulled them off and tossed them in the back seat. Yolani opened the door right away, since I called and told her I was right around the corner.
“You look beautiful as fuck,” she complimented. We kissed on the lips after our hug and she closed the door behind us.
“Thank you, Lani. You like being here alone?”
“Yeah, Ben just left a little while ago. Nigga probably sleep down the block in his car,” she joked.
“How does it feel?” I went into the kitchen and started pulling the food out from the wrappers.
“It feels nice to finally have the crib back to myself. A little lonely too because I got used to having people around.”
“I’m here.”
“Yeah, for how long?” she took a handful of the sour patch candies that were in the jar. “Until your husband calls you.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I’m just speaking facts, Haze. You think I’m trying to hurt you, but all I’m doing is saying what’s real… feel me?”
I opened the wrapper to the burger and placed it on a plastic plate. “Yeah, I know. It’s hard not to feel like you’re trying to hurt me when you say shit like that.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you. You told me that you wanted to give your marriage a shot and haven’t I fell back and allowed you to do that?”
“You have.”
“You’re trying to make everyone happy in this situation and that’s impossible. It don’t matter how the cookie crumbles; someone is going to be left hurt. If that person has to be me, then I’ll deal with it and accept that this shit happened because of me.”
“Yolani, you know I love you, right?”
“Yeah. I know that.” She accepted the burger and fries I fixed her. Candy must have been her go to since she been getting clean. She was eating candy like it was going out of style.
“I don’t want to hurt you or Denim and I don’t want to disappoint my mother. You should see the way she acts with me.” I got excited thinking about how my mother treated me like she did Alicia.
“You know that’s because you’re doing what she always wanted you to do. You’re married to a man and giving her a grandchild with that man. Babe, when it comes to trying to spare anyone’s feelings, leave mine out of it. Don’t leave Denim for me. Leave him because you really don’t want to be with him and want to be happy. Stop trying to make everyone happy and make yourself happy for once.”
“I know. I know,” I agreed. This was the second time someone had told me this. First Golden and now Yolani was telling me the same thing.
“Your mother never liked me and never supported what we had. Even with your nail shop and taking care of you, she never supported us. I get why you’re trying to make her happy, but your mother chose her path in life. It’s your life and you need to do what’s best for your baby. It’s not about you anymore; you gotta make smart choices for that little one in there.” She touched my stomach and butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
“You’re right.” I bit down on my burger. “Me and Denim are hardly home together. He’s always working.”
“You’re just destined to be with workaholics,” she joshed.
“I’m starting to believe that. Or maybe I need to bring my ass to my shop and stop expecting Mo to run it.”
“You’re the boss, you allowed to take some time off and chill.”
“Anyway, how did the session with Pit Pat go?
“Terrible. She wants to meet my son.”
“Oh no. You don’t need to open that can of worms right now. Maybe when he’s older and can understand more, but right now would alter his world.”
“Even when he’s older, I don’t plan on telling him.”
“Now, Lani. That’s not fair to him. Going his entire life and not knowing who his real mother is will tear him apart.”
“He lives with his real mother so there’s nothing to tear him apart.”
“I’ve watched movies and stuff like this always gets out. You should have that conversation when he’s older. Don’t keep that from him; he deserves to know who you are. Now, if he decides he doesn’t want the relationship with you, you will cross that bridge when you get to it.”
“Nah.”
“How do you think Ben feels? He’s around this little boy who’s his son and acting like that’s his nephew. You’re only thinking of yourself and not the people around you that are directly affected by this.”
“I should have kept this shit to myself. Everybody worried about this affecting them and not one person asked me how I feel about the shit.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like I’m in a fucking nightmare and can’t wake up. My grandmother is pissed with me because she can’t meet Yairo, I got you married to the next nigga and pregnant by that same nigga and I can’t fucking snort something to help me relax. This
shit all coming at me at the same time. I just feel so fucking alone in all of this shit.”
Getting out of my seat, I pulled her chair out and sat on her lap. Touching her face, I kissed her on the lips and then kissed her face all over. “You aren’t alone. I’m here, and don’t ask for how long. I’m here for however long you need me to be.” I kissed her again.
Her arms wrapped around my body and we sat at the kitchen table not speaking, but our thoughts were full. This was where I belonged. Soon as I stepped foot into this house, I felt like it was home. When I went home to the apartment I shared with Denim, I didn’t feel at home. It felt like I was spending a night at Mo’s house. Yeah, I was comfortable, but it wasn’t home.
“He wants me to move to California.” It was something I held back from her and didn’t tell her. Denim had been bringing it up, and if I wanted to work on this marriage, I had to move there. The thing was, did I really want to work on this marriage?
“Not tonight, Haze. Let me just be with you tonight… ight?”
“Okay,” I whispered back and laid my head on top of hers as she listened to my heartbeat. Tonight, we wouldn’t talk about what would happen in the morning or the day after. Right now, we were together and it was all that mattered.
I stayed at Yolani’s house until three in the morning. She was fast asleep so I slipped out of her arms and gathered my things. She revealed how hard it was to get to sleep lately, so I stayed until she fell asleep and then I ended up sleep. Grabbing a spare key from the kitchen draw, I locked the door and slid behind my wheel. Resting my head on my steering wheel, I sighed and then started the car to head back home. Denim wasn’t home and I didn’t want to head back to the apartment. This was where I belonged and wanted to stay. Sleeping under Yolani felt like everything. For once in a really long time, we had laid in bed together and rested. It had been so long since I actually got to spend time with her without someone calling her to handle something. We gave each other our undivided attention. My cellphone always stayed in the car when I went to her house. I didn’t want to have any distractions when it came to me visiting her. Yawning, I listened to music on the way back to the apartment.