by E. L. Todd
“For now,” he hissed. “And then you’ll leave again…and again.”
Good thing I never told them what my ultimate mission was. They would never forgive me. “The rest of the world sees me as a hero, but you and Mom see me as a disappointment. I put my life on the line for all of humanity. I make a difference in this world. I make it a better place. Why can’t you just be proud of me?”
“I am proud of you, Neil…”
“It doesn’t seem like it. You’ve never been supportive—”
“Because neither one of us grew up with a father. He was burned alive. I don’t want that to happen to you too. I’ve done my research, and other astronauts aren’t in space nearly as often as you are. I know that means you’re good at what you do, which makes me proud, but I also think it’s unfair. Everyone else has normal lives…except you.”
Because a few other crew members and I had a much more pressing mission. It was the first time NASA would make the attempt. It would be dangerous, and more than likely, I wouldn’t come back. There were too many things that could go wrong. “Vic, I consider that to be an honor. I’ve found something I’m willing to give up my life for. You’ve found the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Stacy. You’d be willing to die for her, right?”
He shook his head. “Falling in love is not the same thing, Neil—”
“It is to me. I love what I do. You can shun me all you want, but it’s not going to change anything. I suggest you be supportive, because you’re right, I could die just like Dad. And you would hate to live with the memory of these conversations. Just be proud of me…accept me as I am.”
He bowed his head and ran his fingers through his short hair. He stared at the tabletop for a moment, gathering his bearings before he lifted his head and looked at me again. There was a noticeable film of moisture in his eyes, emotion that he’d never expressed before.
It made me feel so fucking small.
“You’re my big brother…and I love you.”
Vic was younger than me, but he was so masculine and strong that I never viewed him as inferior. He was a badass lawyer, a buff guy who could bench far more than I could. The emotions he expressed now were so odd on a man like him.
“You went to the air force right after high school, so you were gone. And then when you started with NASA, you were busy. Now you’re always launching into space, so I can’t even talk to you on the phone. It’s just hard… We used to be so close, and now we aren’t.”
“We are close. You’re my best friend.”
“But you aren’t always around. I want my kids to know their uncle.”
“They will know me.”
“How can they when you’re never here?”
“I’m not never here,” I snapped. “I’m here right now.”
“You were gone for three months, home for one, and then you’re leaving for another three. That means within a one-year span, you’ll be on Earth for a total of…less than five months. Do you realize how ridiculous that is?”
“People in the military do it all the time.”
“But they can at least talk on the phone or video chat. You’re, like, really gone.”
This conversation was painful, but no amount of pain would change my career. “Vic…I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish I were around more too. But I wish you would be more supportive about this… It would mean a lot to me.”
“How can I be supportive when it’s the most dangerous profession in the entire world?”
“It’s not the most dangerous,” I corrected.
“Well, it’s not safe,” he snapped. “We both lost our father, and I could lose you in the exact same way.”
That was always a possibility, and I wasn’t so arrogant as to tell him otherwise. Some things were out of my control, and I just had to hope for the best. I had to hope that the rocket specialists did their job, that everyone in the control center had successfully checked every single safety feature. And if they didn’t…at least my death would be quick. “I understand the risks, but it doesn’t change anything.”
He bowed his head again, disappointed.
“This is the path I’ve chosen. This is my passion. This is something I’m willing to die for. I just wish you would understand that and be supportive. That’s what families do…that’s what friends do.”
“I know…but it’s a million times harder on Mom.”
“I’m sorry I have to put her through it…but I’m not going to change for anyone. It’s my life…and this is how I want to spend it. If something terrible does happen to me, just know I wouldn’t change anything even if I knew about my death ahead of time. That’s how passionately I feel about this.”
Now he wouldn’t meet my gaze, his form of protest.
“I don’t want to launch tomorrow and leave things like this, Vic.”
“I know…” He lifted his gaze once again. “I don’t want to either. I just worry about you. You’re my brother and my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without you, and I hope I never have to find out.”
“I love you too, man. I can’t make a promise that I can’t keep…but this is a routine mission that has been done many, many times. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“I’m more worried about the launch and reentry.”
“We haven’t had an accident in nearly twenty years.”
“Still dangerous…”
“It’s dangerous every time you get in your truck and drive on the freeway, Vic. As cautious as we are, we can’t control everything. Just being alive is risky, and something is going to kill you. So, you should do whatever makes you happy before that moment comes.”
“That’s a pretty dark way to think about it…”
“The sooner you accept death, the easier your life will be.”
“I’ve never been afraid of dying. But I am afraid of losing someone I love…like my wife or my brother.”
I didn’t have anyone in my life because I couldn’t worry about anyone else. It was selfish, but I had to be selfish. If something happened to my wife on Earth, I couldn’t just come home and be there for her. I would have to abandon her…because she would never be more important than my work. “It’ll be alright, Vic. Don’t worry unless there’s something to worry about. Otherwise, you’re just wasting time.”
16
CHARLOTTE
I COULDN’T SLEEP.
In a few hours, Neil would walk out of that house for the last time…and not return for three months. There would be a void in my life when he was gone. He was the closest person to me, my best friend at the moment. It would be strange not to talk to him every day, not to sleep with him every night.
He must have felt the energy in the room, because he opened his eyes and looked at me. “Can’t sleep?”
“No…can you?”
He shrugged. “I’ve done this a lot.”
“But still…you aren’t stressed out?”
“I’ve done everything I possibly could to prepare. Now it’s out of my hands.”
I wish I possessed that kind of calmness. I got worked up over the smallest things. “How do you stay so calm?”
He stared at me. “I guess I accept any and every outcome, so it really doesn’t matter what happens. I’ve been in a lot of stressful situations, so my tolerance for disorder is higher than the average person. And the biggest reason of all…I’m looking forward to it. There’s no greater high than leaving the surface and skyrocketing into the sky.”
That sounded like the worst roller coaster ride of all time. I could barely get on any rides when the fair came to town. I wasn’t a thrill-seeker. I was a couch potato who enjoyed taking my dogs for walks. I liked a simple life. “Then we should stop talking so you can get some sleep. You should be sharp tomorrow.”
He continued to stare at me with open eyes. “Are you coming to the launch tomorrow?”
“I can?”
“Of course. Vic and Stacy
are going.”
“What about your mom?”
“She never goes.”
“Never…?”
“I don’t blame her. She was sitting in those same bleachers when my father met his fate.”
I still thought it was terrible not to see your son leave for his mission. But then again, she lost the love of her life in the exact same way.
“I had dinner with her last night, so we did spend some time together…”
I understood why his family was so concerned about his profession, but they needed to accept his decision. It was scary, but he was also an American hero who was so courageous, brilliant, and special. I’d be honored to have him as a son…and I definitely felt honored to call him a friend. “Maybe, in time, they’ll change their minds.”
“Maybe…but when I was with Vic last night, he wasn’t happy.”
“Well, I admire what you’re doing. Obviously, I’ll miss you…but I respect your work and your dedication. It’s incredible to know someone so intelligent, someone who’s making such a difference in our world. I know they’re proud of you even if they don’t say it…I certainly am.”
He watched me with soft eyes, touched by what I said. “Thank you…”
“I’d love to watch you launch. I’ve never seen anything like that… It’ll be exciting.”
“It is exciting. When I feel those engines start and the ship start to vibrate…It’s the greatest feeling in the world.”
17
NEIL
MY SUIT WAS SECURED, but my helmet remained detached. I was launching with astrophysicist Evelyn Rogers and biologist Simon Kirk. I was the only pilot on the mission, so it would be my responsibility to fly the shuttle back to Earth on our return flight.
Vic looked me up and down, slightly smiling and in a better mood than he was the other day. But being bitter and disappointed on my launch date would be such a dick move. It would destroy all the energy for the moment. “That suit looks too big for you.”
“My spine will expand in space, so it needs to be two inches longer.”
“Wow,” Vic said. “I never knew that.”
The suit was thick and heavy, strong enough to resist the powerful rays of the sun during spacewalks. It kept my body pressurized and contained the oxygen I needed to survive. It was its only ecosystem, the very thing that protected me from all the terrible things that could happen in space, like space debris and small meteorites.
Charlotte was there, mesmerized by the control center and everything around her. She was in a white dress with sandals, the color nearly identical to my space suit. Maybe she did it on purpose, and if so, it was cute. “Why are your suits white? Wouldn’t you want them black to blend in with space?”
“They’re white because it’s the most reflective color. Keeps our suits cool.” The sun was unforgiving up there, and there was a lot of radiation. When the sun was directly on us, it could be a hundred and sixty degrees.
“Wow,” she said. “You learn something new every day.”
Stacy moved into me for an embrace. “Can I hug you, or should I stay away from your suit?”
“Of course you can.”
She smiled then moved into my arms.
I couldn’t feel her with my fingertips before they were deep inside my thick gloves, but I could squeeze her with my arms and hold her tight. She was the best sister-in-law I could have asked for. She was good to my brother, loving him at his best, and loving him even more at his worst. “Take care of Vic, alright?”
“I’ll try. But he’s usually the one who takes care of me.” She pulled away, her eyes filled with emotion because it was hard to say goodbye. “Take care of yourself up there, Neil. We can’t wait until you’re home again.”
“Yeah…me too.”
She moved into me and kissed me on the cheek. “Love you.”
“Love you too, sis.”
She walked away and let Vic move in next.
“Fuck, I hate this goodbye shit. You’d think it would get easier, but it never does.”
“It’s not really a goodbye. It’s a see-you-later.” I clapped him on the shoulder. “And I will see you later, Vic. Take care of your wife. She’s a good woman.”
“I know she is. Maybe she’ll be pregnant by the time you get back.”
“You’re a horndog, so I’m sure you’ll knock her up much sooner than that,” I said with a chuckle.
“Good point.” He laughed with me.
“And keep an eye on Charlotte. Life hasn’t been so good to her.”
His eyes turned serious. “Yeah, I know. But it’ll get better for her… I know it will.”
“Look after her anyway.”
“You know I will.” He hugged me hard. “I love you, man.”
“I love you too, brother.”
He pulled away and returned to his wife.
Charlotte was the last one, and she gave me a pained smile like this goodbye would destroy her. She was happy for me…but she didn’t want to watch me disappear from the sky. She stepped close me, her beautiful hair in curls and her eyelashes thick from her mascara. “Well…”
“Well…”
She took a deep breath and lowered her gaze, composing herself before she faced me again. “Take care of yourself, Neil. I know you’ll be alright…but please be careful.”
“I’m always careful.” My brother and sister-in-law had never seen Charlotte and me show affection in public. Whenever we were all together, we behaved like two friends. I’d never held her hand or kissed her…did anything unusual. But now I wouldn’t hold back just to spare them the sight of our affection.
“We’ll get a Slurpee when you get home.”
“I look forward to it.”
She ran her fingers through her hair, visibly distressed. She was usually calm and confident, but now she didn’t know how to handle herself, how to carry herself. “Alright…goodbye.” She moved into me and hugged me, her cheek pressing against the front of my suit.
My arms squeezed her petite frame, and I pressed a kiss to her forehead. I would miss my family while I was gone, but I knew I would miss Charlotte the most. She was an unexpected delight, a beautiful woman who meant more to me than I ever imagined. She wasn’t just my lover…and she wasn’t just my friend either. I wasn’t really sure what she was.
She pulled away and stepped back.
I grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her back into me. I pressed my mouth to hers and kissed her, felt that powerful affection one last time. I would miss these soft, pillowy lips, miss that sexy tongue, miss the way her affection kept my feet on the ground. I would miss this woman…so much.
I ended the kiss and stepped back, ignoring the expression on my brother’s face. Other people were there too, but I didn’t care about them either. I’d never brought a woman to my launches, so I’d never kissed anyone before climbing into that rocket.
Now it looked like Charlotte would miss me even more. She stepped back and let me go, her arms crossing over her chest so she wouldn’t reach for me again.
It was time for me to leave, and I turned away so I wouldn’t have to see the devastated look on all their faces.
“Neil, wait.” Her frantic voice echoed in the hangar where we stood. The Voyager shuttle hung from the ceiling, and there was a large American Flag hanging against the white wall.
I turned around, recognizing her voice but refusing to believe it was really her.
My mother was already fighting tears, hating my departure and hating herself for not arriving sooner. She was in jeans and a teal blouse, her makeup a little smeared because the tears had started long before she arrived at the Space Center.
My heart felt a little less heavy when I saw her face. Every son wanted the approval of his mother, to make her proud. While I understood why she never came to my launches, it always hurt when she wasn’t there.
She moved into my chest and hugged me hard. “I’m sorry, Neil. I’m so sorry…”
“It’s okay, Mom.�
� She was petite like Charlotte, a small woman who was nearly a foot shorter than me. I got my height from my father, but I got my eyes from her. I gave her affection as she quietly cried against my suit, staining it with mascara.
“I hate the way we left things…” She stepped back so she could look me in the eye. “I’m so proud of you, Neil. And I know your father is watching over you every time you’re up there…”
I wasn’t a religious man, but I’d always hoped that his spirit was still with me, that when I was floating in the dark abyss of space, not even having gravity for company, that he was still there with me. “Thank you.”
“Please be safe, honey. You’re still my baby. You’ll always be my baby.”
“I know, Mom. I’ll be alright.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks for coming to see me…means a lot to me.”
She cupped both of my cheeks with emotion in her eyes. They quickly began to water, which developed into tears that streaked down her cheeks. “You look just like your father.”
“I know…” He was my age when he passed away, and when I looked at his old pictures, I saw how similar we looked. People in the control center said it was like seeing his ghost.
“I love you, honey.”
Having her support me in person for the first time meant the world to me. I wanted my family to be proud of me, to watch me launch into the sky with love in their hearts. I wanted to know that they stood by me, that they were as much a part of this as I was. “I love you too, Mom.”
18
CHARLOTTE
THREE MILES away was a set of bleachers where spectators could watch the tall rocket launch into the sky. There were two large-screen TVs that showed live coverage of the rocket, of the astronauts walking across the bridge and entering the cockpit of the rocket.
I watched Neil walk across that bridge with his helmet in his hand, smiling like it was a Sunday afternoon and he was going for a walk around the park. He smiled like he didn’t have a care in the world, and he waved like he was a celebrity walking down the red carpet.