"I can't," she told him. "I want to move forward, not backward."
"It won't ever be over, not until we take back the Moon Dancer."
"We made a promise, Dad."
Duncan looked her straight in the eye. "I can't keep it."
Her heart sank. "Well, I can."
"Racing is who I am. I'm starving, thirsting, dying for it. Please, I'm begging you. Talk to your sisters, Katie. Together, we can take back what we lost. We won't be free of the past until we do. Say yes."
"I can't."
"Think about it. Don't say no now," he pleaded.
She doubted she'd be able to think of anything else.
* * *
She should have stayed at Mike's, Caroline thought, as she faced herself in the bathroom mirror. She didn't want to be alone in her apartment. She didn't want quiet or time to think. Nor did she want to have to look at herself. But she was drawn to the mirror as if it were a car wreck, one she couldn't pass by without turning her head to see the damage. And there was considerable damage.
Her mascara was no longer on her lashes but under her eyes, giving her the appearance of a prizefighter. Her lipstick was long gone. Her hair lay in sweaty strands on her head. She looked as if she'd spent the night having sex and taking drugs, which was no doubt the conclusion Kate had drawn when she'd found her in Mike's bed.
It hurt to know that Kate's opinion of her had only gotten lower. But it was going to get worse, much worse.
Closing her eyes, Caroline took a deep breath. Her head was pounding so hard it was making her sick to her stomach. She'd made a big mistake last night, and it had begun with that one stupid, reckless drink when her father had told her she was a jinx and a klutz and basically not good for much of anything. Damn him. He'd pushed just the right buttons. He'd made her feel bad about herself, insecure, unworthy, the way he'd done so many times before.
She opened her eyes and stared defiantly at the mirror. She was just as good as him, just as good as Kate, just as good as anyone...well, maybe not this morning. Maybe this morning she was only as good as her father, who probably felt as bad as she did.
Bending over, she splashed cold water on her face. Rubbing her cheeks ruthlessly on a terry cloth towel got rid of the rest of her makeup, and the stinging sensation made her feel better. She walked out of the bathroom and stood in the middle of her bedroom, still wearing her low-rise blue jeans and black tank top. She needed to change, to go to work. She didn't feel like doing either.
How would she get through the next five minutes, much less the next few hours? There was so much going on in her head. So many things she wanted... no, needed. The craving started deep in her soul, an itch that couldn't be scratched. She had to do something to stop it. Before she could move, the doorbell rang, followed by a pounding knock and a loud voice that belonged to her oldest sister.
"Would you shut up already?" Caroline snapped as she opened the door. "I'm here. What do you want?"
"I want to come in." Kate walked into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. "I want you to tell me what's going on with you and Mike."
"It's none of your business."
"I'm making it my business."
Caroline flopped down on her secondhand couch. "I'm not in the mood for a lecture."
"I don't care if you're in the mood. Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing."
"Caroline Marie McKenna, you are going to talk to me. I'm not leaving until you do." Kate sat down on the other end of the couch, folding her arms in front of her chest. Caroline knew that stubborn look well. But she preferred this look to one of disappointment, disgust and embarrassment, which were exactly the expressions she'd see as soon as she told Kate what was really going on.
"I'm an adult, Kate. I can see who I want."
"I don't care how old you are. I'm your sister, and I won't stand by and let you make a huge mistake."
"The mistake was made a long time ago."
"Caroline, I love you. But I'm worried and scared. I know this guy is up to no good, even if you can't see it."
"Because he has a snake tattoo and wears an earring?"
"No, because he has a criminal record and a history of drunken brawls. I want more for you. I won't apologize for interfering. You need someone to give you a good kick in the butt. And if I have to be the one, I will do it."
"You're so strong," Caroline said wearily. "Where do you get that from? Dad or Mom? Or maybe both of them? Maybe you got everything, and there just wasn't enough to go around for Ashley and me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about why I never measure up. Why I can't seem to do the right thing. Why I need someone to swoop in and rescue me."
"We all need that at times."
"You never do."
"I've had my share of weak moments, Caroline. You know that better than anyone. You were there for most of them." Kate paused, letting her words remind Caroline of all they'd been through together. "I know something's wrong. I won't leave here until I find out what it is."
"I don't know where to start."
"Start with Mike."
"I've told you a dozen times that Mike is just a friend, and that's what he is—a friend." As she finished speaking, her stomach rebelled once again, the nausea overwhelming this time. She ran into the bathroom and threw up until she was shaking. Dimly, she was aware of Kate handing her a towel and helping her into the bedroom and into bed.
"Do you want anything? Do you want me to call Dr. Becker?" Kate asked.
"I don't need a pediatrician. I'm grown up," Caroline grumbled.
"He's a family doctor. Maybe you have the flu.”
"I don't have the flu, Kate."
"You can't be sure.”
"I'm sure."
"Caroline, I don't want to argue, but—"
"Then don't." Caroline put up her hand. "I'm not sick, at least not in the way you think. Don't you get it? Isn't it clear?"
"Oh, my God! You're not pregnant, are you?”
"No, I'm not pregnant," Caroline said in exasperation.
"Then what?"
"I'm an alcoholic, Kate. Your baby sister is a drunk."
Chapter Eighteen
Your baby sister is a drunk.
Kate couldn't believe the words ringing through her head. Yet the evidence was right in front of her. In fact, faced with the actual words, she wondered why she hadn't seen it earlier. Or had she?
"I think I've left you speechless for the first time in your life," Caroline said.
"I knew you drank, but I didn't think... I mean, you're not like..."
"Like Dad? He's an alcoholic, too, you know."
Kate sat down on the end of the bed, feeling very tired. Of course she knew their father was an alcoholic. She'd known that for years. But Caroline? She was so young. So full of life. Had all that life and energy come from an endless supply of liquor?
"I'm trying to stop drinking," Caroline continued. "Mike is helping me. He's not my boyfriend. He's my sponsor, the person I can call when I'm feeling desperate. Most people don't realize he's been sober for more than a year because of Alcoholics Anonymous. He took me to my first meeting a few weeks ago. I was doing really good... until last night." She punched the pillow up under her head.
"What happened last night?"
"I went to see Dad at the Oyster Bar. I thought I could handle being in there for a few minutes, but he put a drink down in front of me. I wasn't even going to taste it until..."
"Until what?" Kate prodded. "What did Dad say to you?'
There was a bitter pain in Caroline's eyes when she looked back at her. "He told me he didn't want me to sail with him unless you came along to watch out for me. Apparently I'm a huge jinx."
"That's ridiculous. You're not a jinx. And he'd be lucky to have you."
"He doesn't think so. I don't know why I keep trying. I'm never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be you."
Kate frowned as Caroline slid do
wn in the bed, pulling the covers up over her head the way she used to do when she was a little girl and the world got too scary. The memories suddenly swamped Kate: Caroline curled up just like this in her bedroom in the middle of the day, the day their mom had died. Kate had come into the room to tell her, because her father couldn't do it, and Ashley was too distraught to speak.
Then there were all those times on the boat when it got too much for Caroline, when slipping under the covers and escaping seemed to be the only way out. Sometimes Kate had wanted to do the very same thing. But someone had to be there to pull the covers back, and that someone was her.
She did it now, pulling the blanket off Caroline's head and smoothing down her sister's hair with a loving gesture. "It's going to be all right, Caroline. We'll get through this. I'm going to take care of you."
"You can't make this better," Caroline said dully. "I can't even seem to make it better."
"You should have told me about the drinking.”
Caroline looked at her with a truth in her eyes. "You knew, Kate."
Kate began shaking her head. "I didn't think..." But hadn't she sometimes worried about Caroline's drinking, her smoking, her need to let loose? Hadn't those worries started years ago? It all seemed so clear now.
"Last night was the first time I drank in almost a month. I know it's not much, but Mike says I just have to try again, start over from today."
Kate suddenly realized how wrong she had been about Mike. "That's where you were going on the ferry the other day."
"To an AA meeting." Caroline nodded.
"I still don't understand how you came to tell Mike."
"Remember when I told you I ran my car into a ditch on Hawkins Road because a dog ran out in front of me? There was no dog. I was drunk. Mike found me. He told me if I didn't get my act together, I would kill myself. But he didn't have to tell me that, Kate, because I already knew. That accident scared the hell out of me. I didn't realize how out of control everything had gotten. I could have hurt someone else, too."
"The bruises on your arm, were they from the accident?"
Caroline smiled at that. "No, that was just me tripping down the stairs and banging my arm into the door, just like I told you." Her smile faded. "Maybe Dad is right. Maybe I am a klutz."
Kate barely registered the explanation. She was still reeling with the reality of Caroline's drinking. Caroline had almost killed herself driving drunk into a tree. It was awful, beyond awful. She should have realized. She was the big sister. She was supposed to take care of things.
"Don't blame yourself," Caroline said. "I can see it in your eyes. You're feeling guilty."
"How can I not?"
"Because it's not your fault. It's mine. I'm the one who started drinking. I'm the one who has to stop. I let Dad get to me last night. He insisted on putting a beer in front of me, and, once I drank that, it was easy to keep going. I went over to Jake's later and downed a few more shots of tequila. Mike found me there and took me back to his boat. I was in no condition to go any farther. He didn't take advantage of me. He really has been a friend. But I feel like shit today with a god-awful hangover. It must be the result of a few weeks of clean living, because I haven't felt this bad in years."
"I'm glad you had someone to take care of you. I just wish you would have confided in me." Kate stood up and paced restlessly around the room. "I thought we were moving on, getting by, forgetting," she muttered, a thousand thoughts running through her mind so quickly they collided with one another. "But you were drinking, Dad was drinking, and Ashley was taking anxiety medication for panic attacks. I did this to us."
"No, you didn't."
"It was me. It was all me. Every last bit of it. I'm not keeping us together the way I promised Mom. I'm killing us off slowly but surely."
"Why is my drinking your fault?"
"Because it is."
"Doesn't that sound a little egotistical?"
Kate heard the words, but she ignored them. It didn't matter what Caroline said, whether or not she tried to take the blame. Maybe Kate hadn't forced Caroline to take a drink, but she'd given Caroline, Ashley, and even her father the need to find a way to escape.
And hadn't she done the same in her own way, turning a simple bookstore into fantasyland? Turning her back on the water, and all that had happened out there? Forcing everyone to keep the promise they'd made no matter what the personal cost?
"Stop it, Kate. Stop making this about you," Caroline said with irritation as she sat up on the bed. "It's about me. It's my problem. And I'll have to solve it myself."
"When is your next AA meeting? I'll go with you."
"Oh, sure, that's just what I want—strong, invincible Kate by my side, making me feel even more inadequate."
"I wouldn't do that," Kate said, feeling hurt.
Caroline made a face. "Dammit, Kate, there you go again, making me feel guilty. I know it's not you. You can't help it that you're so good, so perfect. You can't help it that you're Daddy's favorite. Or even that you were Mom's favorite. After all, you're the one she asked to make a promise. Not me. Not Ashley."
"You were too young. So was Ashley," Kate said in astonishment, then she started to get mad, too. "Don't you realize how much responsibility comes with all this favoritism that you see? Don't you think I ever get tired of worrying about all of you? Because I do, Caroline. I'm only four years older than you, but sometimes I feel like I'm a hundred years older."
"I'm sorry," Caroline said.
"You should be.” She paused. "We should call Ashley. She'll want to help."
Caroline rolled her eyes.
"What does that mean?" Kate asked.
"I think Ashley has her hands full at the moment. I saw her last night on the back of Sean's motorcycle."
Kate sank back down on the bed and met her sister's knowing eyes. "Oh, dear."
"I'm sure she won't say anything after all this time," Caroline offered halfheartedly.
Kate hoped Caroline was right, because she wasn't sure of anything anymore.
* * *
"Hello, Ashley. Can I come in?" Tyler asked, as Ashley opened her apartment door. Dressed in slim-fitting denim shorts and a sleeveless top, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail, Ashley looked young and pretty, full of life. In fact, there was a light in her eyes that Tyler didn't remember seeing before.
"What do you want?" she asked warily.
"A few minutes of your time."
She hesitated, then stepped aside. "All right.”
He was surprised at the chaos in her small apartment. She had obviously not gotten the same neat and tidy gene that Kate had. There were magazines, photos, and books spread out in the living room as well as a few items of clothing.
"I wasn't expecting anyone," Ashley said apologetically, moving some clutter from the couch. "Do you want to sit down?"
He paused by the coffee table and picked up some photos. They were pictures of boats and racing crews. "For the Castleton?" he asked.
"Yes, I photographed each and every entry.”
"They're good. Nice light, excellent color, good angle."
"You sound like you know something about photographs."
"I've worked with a few photographers in my time.”
"Photos to go with your articles?"
"Exactly," he said. "That's why I'm here. I was wondering if you might have any photos I can use.”
She looked taken aback by the idea. "I—I don't know what you mean."
He wondered if Kate had told Ashley he was dropping the article on them. It didn't appear that way, because Ashley suddenly seemed very nervous. She was fidgeting with a chain around her neck and looked like she wished him anywhere but here. "Do you have any photos of your race, shots you took on the Moon Dancer of you, your sisters and your father?" he asked, figuring her answer would tell him just how much she knew.
"I had some, but I don't know where they are."
"It seems funny, you being a photographer and all, that
you wouldn't have them displayed." He looked around her apartment. There were lots of photographs but none of the family. He couldn't quite believe that Ashley had spent nine months on a boat with a pregnant sister and hadn't taken one photo revealing that fact, unless she'd been the one who was pregnant.
"I change my pictures frequently. That race was a long time ago. And I put a lot of stuff in storage when we got back."
Tyler sat down on the couch, deciding to switch tactics. "I met your friend Sean the other day. He told me you two were high school sweethearts."
"That's true." She perched on the edge of an armchair.
"It must have been difficult for you to go to sea and leave him behind."
"I didn't have a choice."
"Of course." He smiled to ease the tension he could see tightening the muscles in her face. He sensed he would have to go easy with her or he'd get nowhere. "I bet the boys were all over you and your sisters at the various ports of call. Three good-looking, adventurous blondes. It doesn't get much better than that. You must have been beating them off with a stick."
"Sometimes. But racing men are different. They're so focused on their boats, the other competitors, the weather, the course that everything else is unimportant. Besides, we were pretty young."
"Jailbait," he agreed. "Everyone but Kate." He paused. "What happened with you and Sean when you got back?"
"Nothing. I mean, we broke up."
"Why?'
"Because," she said with a helpless shrug. "It just wasn't going to work anymore. It's hard to come back and start over with someone you haven't seen in a few years.”
"True. He still seems very fond of you, though.”
She flushed. "I care about him, too."
More than a little, he suspected. "Maybe you'll get back together someday."
"I don't know." She paused, looking decidedly uncomfortable. "Is there something else you wanted? I have some things I need to take care of."
"Well, I know you said you don't have photographs of your race, but I wondered if you have anything of some local sailors or past Castleton races that might be a good accompaniment to my article. I would be happy to pay you for their use, of course."
Summer Reads Box Set: Volume 1 Page 24