by Scarlet West
“I’m going home,” I explained softly. “I can’t stay. I have to work.”
“Oh,” he said softly. “Let me drive you back.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’ll call a cab.”
“Kelsey…” he trailed off. He looked sad.
I bit my lip. He was so handsome and seeing him look miserable made me miserable too. I felt the first stirrings of whatever had ignited inside me last night.
“Listen,” I said, feeling almost annoyed at the intensity of my response. “I have to go.”
“That’s okay,” he said. He looked up at me and his eyes lit from within as he gave me a sad smile.
I felt my heart actually ache. I’d heard the expression but I couldn’t remember actually feeling it before; or not to this intensity.
“Fine,” I said briskly. I kept my voice low, so as not to wake up Heath. “I’ll go. Tell Heath I said bye. And, um. Thanks.”
He smiled again. “Thank you.”
I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine and smiled. I felt my heart flip over and I wished that I could stay. Wished I could kiss him. Could tell him that I was starting to feel more strongly for him than I did for any of the others.
Than I did for anyone, besides my most recent ex.
I felt the words all block up in my throat, stymieing any response that I could have given. I turned away. I coughed, to clear my throat.
“Bye,” I said.
I didn’t look back. Instead I walked, briskly but firmly, into the lift.
When I reached the bottom, I leaned against the wall, my lungs burning, though I’d done nothing, really. A combination of the exercise and the early morning and the strange, twisting pain in my heart.
“Dammit, Kelsey,” I said to myself. I gave a small huff of laughter; a bitter sound.
Here I was, playing a crazy game that had suddenly got just a little bit too real. I closed my eyes, trying to forget all about it.
“You’re not a teenager, Kelsey,” I told myself as I stood in the drive, waiting for the cab I’d called. “It’s time to grow up.”
But this, I knew as I slid into the seat of the taxi and we sped off, had nothing to do with being a young irresponsible girl. This was all too real now.
And I wasn’t getting myself into such a mess. The brothers seemed to have enough friction as it was, without my aggravation.
I paid the driver, tipping him generously. Then I tiptoed up to my bedroom and sat down heavily. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall and wondered what the heck I thought I was doing.
“You should have just walked away after Heath. Now look what you’ve done.”
I couldn’t help smiling to myself, a small, bitter sort of smile. I certainly didn’t regret the excitement. Far from it—what I regretted was the fact that I felt attached. I must be mad if I was really thinking of getting involved with any of the four of them, but I was.
In looking into Grayson’s eyes, I’d felt a weird ache in my heart I’d never felt before. And there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t going to start playing favorites and breaking up families. Besides, I thought as I slid into bed, I didn’t have any way to contact him.
That being the last thing I could think or do about the subject, I curled up, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
When I woke the next morning, my head ached profoundly. It was the tiredness. I sighed and combed my hair out in front of the mirror, wishing I’d got more sleep. I grinned at myself. This was the first time I was looking at myself properly in the mirror since yesterday.
I noticed my lip was slightly bruised—must have been kissing a bit hard. My eyes were ringed with dark, but they sparkled. It was ridiculous, but I was happy.
“Happy and sad,” I told myself softly. I was gladdened by the crazy, amazing evening, but I was also sad about Grayson.
It was typical of me, I thought dolefully as I showered, to fall for someone under such unlikely circumstances.
The thought struck me hard, then. I had actually considered this before. How I tended to deliberately pick guys who were not the kind of guys I could settle down with. It was probably because of my devotion to Dad.
I sighed and headed up to the terrace for breakfast. It was cloudy today, and the cooler weather matched my mood. I found myself alone at the table—Daddy had already gone to work. It was eight am. I made myself coffee, found some cereal and yoghurt and settled down to breakfast.
“Morning, Kelsey,” Adeline, the secretary, called out as I came into work.
“Morning,” I called, trying to sound something other than stressed. It didn’t work—I saw her give me a concerned look and I walked past as briskly as possible.
I didn’t need any concern right now—I was concerned enough about myself.
I made coffee, sat down and opened my mails. Nothing too serious—a request for information, a reminder about the meeting this afternoon. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my coffee as I opened the first document I had to work on.
Thoughts of Grayson crept into my head as I worked. I wondered how he was doing, and how things had gone down when they talked next morning. I smiled even as my heart ached for it.
“Hey, Kelsey!” My office mate’s voice broke into my reverie.
“Leona! Hello.” I smiled at her, feeling an odd sort of envy—she looked so organized and poised—the opposite to how I felt. I reached for my coffee and took a sip, distracting myself from her well-groomed hair, her businesslike smile.
“How’s things?” she asked, swiveling her chair to face me.
“Okay,” I said mildly. That did make me smile. I wondered what the heck she would think if she knew I’d just spent the night doing what I’d been doing. I wanted to giggle.
“Great!” she said. “You have a meeting this morning too?”
“This afternoon,” I demurred.
“Oh. Well I guess I’d better get this presentation finished,” she said, indicating the work on her screen. “How are you at Power Point themes?”
“Okay,” I said, frowning. “Can I help?”
“Maybe!” she looked hopeful. “You see, I want to make these slides just a bit more, well, less boring. But I’m not having much luck…can you have a look for me?”
I bit my lip. “Sure,” I said. I had a few things on my own desk to get done before the meeting. But right now I needed distraction and company. I shifted my chair around and came to sit at her screen, having a look through the presentation quickly together.
As we worked on it, my mind was drawn back to the evening. I wondered if Leona would be so friendly if she knew what a naughty girl I was—whether she’d simply be shocked, or be jealous. Myself, I thought with a grin, I’d be jealous.
“So you think I should make all the headings without serif?” she asked.
“Serif is better for content,” I said automatically, biting back my smile. Concentrate, woman, I told myself mildly.
I helped her choose some fonts, then went back to my own desk, my heart twisting with a mix of pain and pleasure. I opened my own work idly, checking through the results I needed to present to the board this afternoon.
As I read through the columns of figures, the pie charts and market predictions, I found my thoughts straying far beyond the walls of the hotel company headquarters. They were somewhere across the town, in another office, where two brothers must be trying to work together currently.
17
Grayson
“Leave me alone.”
I sat at my desk, my back to the door. I was trying to focus on the list of contracts we had for next month. But really, I was trying to forget about her.
Her face hovered before me, her lips, inviting and soft, parted in a sad smile.
I didn’t want any visitors that morning. The last person I wanted to see was my brother. Not Donnell, or Clarke—especially not Heath.
“I need to ask you about this trip next month,” Heath protested. “The one to the convention in
Huston.”
“No,” I said. “I’ll mail you.”
I heard him shift position in the doorway. I knew I was being absolutely ridiculous. It was childish of me to refuse to talk to him. I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to think about last night.
Every time I see him, I’ll think of him being with her and I’ll hit him.
That was the scary thing—the rage that was building, slowly and inexcusably, inside me. It was inexcusable to feel this level of rage toward a brother. But I couldn’t help it. I felt like, if he gave me just the narrowest sliver of excuse, I would punch him.
That was why I didn’t want to see him.
He sighed again. “Okay,” he said. “Just be sure to mail that soon, huh? I need to know by ten am.”
I looked at the time. It was nine thirty.
“Fine,” I said.
I waited for him to leave.
When he’d gone I put my elbows on the desk, put my head on bunched fists. I was tired and confused and envious. I was mad.
I couldn’t escape my thoughts of her. Every time I closed my eyes, her face swam in front of me. Her stunning body, with its soft, firm, perfect forms. Her beautiful smiling mouth, her eyes. I wanted her so much my poor body ached. It was enough to arouse me just to think of her name.
And the fact that, paired with those images, those memories, came the image of Heath undressing her, touching her, made me hate him.
I couldn’t believe I’d let that happen. I could have had her myself. Why did I let Heath do that to me?
He didn’t do that to you, I told myself angrily. You did that yourself.
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists so tight that the fingernails almost tore my palms. I didn’t know how I was going to work and socialize with my brothers when always, now, I’d imagine them with the girl I was coming to love. I didn’t want to even think about it but I couldn’t help it. Worse even than imagining them with her was imagining the fact that she probably preferred them to me.
Imagining them giving her pleasure made my temper rise. I didn’t want to think about the fact that they could give her all I could and more. Heath was easily the most good looking of us—girls always fell for him. He’d got the girls I wanted since high school.
Donnell’s darkly handsome and Clarke is cute. What the heck do I have?
I sighed. It was so funny I would laugh, if it wasn’t also tragic.
They were all just playing, though, weren’t they? It was only me who was serious.
I remembered what Heath had said that morning.
“Grayson?” He’d called, yawning. He’d woken up around seven.
“Yeah?” I’d called. I’d been in the sitting room with coffee. I was already half-dressed. I couldn’t sleep—not since she’d gone.
“Is Kelsey there?”
I’d stared at him as he wondered in, dressed in briefs. “No,” I’d said.
He frowned. “Where the heck…did she…”
“She left,” I interrupted.
“Oh,” he said. He’d looked puzzled.
I had said nothing and Heath shrugged.
“Breakfast?” he asked.
I’d felt surprised—why the heck had he been so offhand about it? Did this mean nothing?
Well, maybe I was the idiot, I thought harshly. I’d had coffee at Heath’s and left, trying not to speak to him. He had probably thought I was being stupid then and he probably thought so now, but there was no changing that. I was being stupid but I wasn’t about to stop.
I turned to my work, opening the documents about the trip to the convention that Heath would be attending. I checked the things we’d said we were going to present there, made sure I’d added the documents he’d wanted from me, then sent them off.
There. Now I didn’t have to worry about being bothered by him for the rest of the day.
I leaned back in my seat and sighed.
The work schedule for next month still needed to be filled. I opened the document and started adding things, wondering what Kelsey was doing.
She’s probably forgotten all about me.
I felt my heart twist. I recalled the morning and how she’d just left. She barely even said bye. I sighed, shaking my head. I was being stupid.
Why would a girl who wanted to play games with my brothers ever fall for me? She wasn’t here for the boyfriend experience, was she? I laughed.
No, I decided. She was bored with convention and wanted something different. Having four guys to choose from was something novel and exciting. That was all she wanted.
“I don’t want that.”
I had made my decision. If that was what this was all about, I was on the sidelines. As much as I wanted her, I wasn’t about to play these games.
I couldn’t focus during that day.
Kissing, licking, sucking. They were all I could think about. And not just me—thinking of Heath and Kelsey also kept on plaguing my mind horribly.
I did as much work as I could, and by four thirty I was surprised by how productive I’d been. I stood, stretching my back and feeling fidgety. I’d barely left the office all day, taking refuge in work and trying to escape my memories.
At five-thirty, lost in a business-report, I heard someone at the door.
“Grayson?”
I looked up at my brother. Just seeing that tentative grin made my blood boil.
“Go away,” I said. I knew it sounded silly, but it was all I could do to get the words out. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him in case my temper boiled over, and I actually went for him.
“Grayson?” he said again. He came into my office and shut the door. I stood.
“Listen, just go away,” I said. I felt my fists clench. “I mean it.”
He looked at me. His face was expressionless, except for brotherly compassion.
“Grayson, you’re taking this badly.”
I felt as if he’d punched me. My adrenalin soared in my veins and I rounded on him.
“Taking this badly?” I spat. “Heath, get out of here.”
Heath stayed where he was, leaning against the office wall. He was facing me, his back against the wall, arms loose at his sides. He couldn’t have looked less antagonistic if he’d tried. All the same, my anger boiled.
“Grayson, just listen?”
“No,” I said. I tried to keep myself calm. It was a struggle. “Heath, this is a big deal,” I said. “It isn’t just Kelsey.” I paused, as my throat worked, just saying her name was hard. “It’s a lot bigger.”
He sighed. “I know. It’s like Merrill, right?”
“Merrill?” I stared at him. “You remember that?”
He looked upset. “Of course I remember.”
“No,” I said tightly. Just remembering that incident—where he’d dated the girl I wanted—just added to my anger. But it wasn’t about that. “It’s not Merrill.”
It went further back than that. All my life, it seemed, I’d been in Heath’s shadow. And I didn’t want to take it anymore.
“What is it, then?”
“I want to quit,” I said.
He stared at me. “Grayson…”
“No,” I interrupted him. “I am thinking seriously. I’ve thought about it a lot. I don’t like being here, with you as my boss. I don’t like this sense of being the odd one out, the funny one, the one that nobody really notices. I’m sick of it—I’ve had it all my life.”
He stared at me. His mouth dropped open, literally, in surprise. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so desperately earnest.
“Grayson…”
“Don’t try to persuade me,” I said tightly. “I am absolutely not interested. I won’t be your shadow anymore.”
He gazed at me. Then he spoke.
“You have never been that.”
“How on earth would you know?” I snapped. The door was closed, but he still winced when I raised my voice. It made me want to shout even more. The secretary was just across the hallway though and I held it
back.
“Grayson, listen.”
“No, dammit,” I said. “I’ve listened too long. I’ve listened all my life. Now it’s time that I just walked away like I should have ages ago.”
I looked at the clock—six P.M. Everyone else had probably gone home by now. I started to pack my suitcase systematically.
When I looked up, Heath was still there. His expression was compassionate.
“What is it?”
He just sighed. “You really think that, don’t you?” he asked.
“No,” I said tightly. “I don’t just think that. I know that. I always have known it.”
“It’s dad, isn’t it?”
“What?”
I felt my heart twist and I felt a sudden stab of rage. I wasn’t even going to think about that. He had no right to mention Dad to me like that.
“It is that, isn’t it?” Heath asked. “It’s because of how Dad was when we were little. I know that you all always felt a bit like he paid me more attention, cared about me more. I just want to say that isn’t true. He didn’t.”
“How the heck would you know?” I spat.
“Grayson, that isn’t fair,” he said softly. “You know that Dad told me things—of course he told me that too.”
“So you admit he spoke to you more than he did to any of the rest of us?”
He closed his eyes. “I didn’t mean that.”
“No. You didn’t, did you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He sounded mad for the first time that day, and the sound thrilled through me like a kind of elixir. I hadn’t really known how much his cool composure was getting me down. To see it ruffled was a real pleasure.
“I mean,” I said, “You don’t really care, and you never have. You’ve just been so wrapped up with your own concerns and your own problems that you wouldn’t even notice the fact that no one else was getting the same attention you were. That everyone loved you more and cared about you more than they did about me. That I was always in the darkness of your light. You didn’t care about me either. And so why should I stay?”
I finished packing my things, grabbed my case and strode into the hallway.