by Krista Lakes
I threw the bed sheets off and slammed my feet on the floor. I didn't think as I threw all my things back in my suitcase and got dressed. There was no way I was staying the rest of the weekend here. There was no way I was staying with him.
I pulled up a car-driving app and requested a driver to take me home immediately.
I had no idea when Jacob was supposed to be back, but I wanted to make sure he knew why I had left, so I grabbed my lipstick out of my bag and went to the mirror.
MONSTER GO IS A LIE, I wrote in big red letters. I hated how dumb it sounded after I wrote it, but I wasn't about to wash it off. I added, FUCK YOU underneath, just to make sure he was clear on my feelings.
I'd never felt so used. So lied to.
I could have forgiven him for not telling me who he was. I would have been angry, but I probably could have come around to it if he had told me himself.
But he didn't. A news story had told me.
It was the fact that he had used all my ideas and was taking the credit for them that had me so angry. I had worked my butt off to the point of being ill for this stupid internship, and all it would have taken was a wave of his hand to hire me. Instead, he let me sweat and toil while he took the glory.
I loved him and he had used me without so much as a thank you. No wonder he could afford such a nice hotel. He certainly wasn't using his earnings to pay me for my ideas.
I grabbed all my belongings and stormed out the door. The heavy hotel door gave a satisfying shake to the hallway when I slammed it.
I was halfway across the hotel lobby when I heard him call my name.
“Alicia?”
I stopped, turning to see Jacob walking up the marble entrance with a stupid look on his face. My vision went red.
“Leave me alone,” I growled, trying to get around him. If I wasn't so furious by his betrayal, I might have actually cared about the hurt look that filled his face. “It's over.”
“What? What are you talking about?” He stood there as if he didn't have a clue, but he wouldn't let me pass either.
“Billionaire Monster GO developer, huh?” I held up my phone with the news article. “Interesting job description, Jacob.”
His mouth opened and he paled. “Alicia, I can explain...”
“You can explain?” My voice rose to almost supersonic levels. “You can explain how you used all my ideas without saying a word? How you hired hundreds of people, but not me? How you kept it all a secret?”
He winced as though I hit him with every word. “Alicia, please-”
“No, no 'Alicia please.'” I shouldered past him. “You used me. You lied to me. You lied to everyone. I hate you.”
Jacob stilled as I screamed that last sentence across the hotel lobby. Everyone turned and looked, but I didn't care. I was too angry, too hurt to care.
He reached out to touch my arm and I snarled and batted it away. “Don't you dare touch me.”
“Alicia...”
“Leave me alone, Jacob. I don't want anything to do with you.” I stormed past him to get in my waiting car. “You can get some other stupid girl to make your game for you.”
He winced and stepped back as if I had actually pushed him. I wished I could have beaten him with my fist. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to wake up and find that this was a terrible dream.
But I knew it wasn't.
The man I loved was a lie. He didn't love me. He loved my game ideas, not me.
I managed to keep a strong face until I got in the car. The driver made it all the way to the end of the block before I burst out in tears and cried the rest of the way home.
Chapter 18
Monday morning came, and it took everything to crawl out of bed. My whole body hurt with heartache and all I wanted to do was sleep until I didn't need to cry anymore. It wasn't the way I had envisioned starting my dream job at ZephTech, but then nothing about the past three days had gone as I'd expected.
I blinked several times before standing up. My stomach was still lurching back and forth. Whatever stomach bug I had was still with me. The act of standing hadn’t helped any, but I ignored it as best I could as I lumbered into the shower.
The air was fiercely cold against my wet skin when I stepped out, a feeling that gave new energy to the wrench in my stomach. I took several deep breaths while I leaned over the toilet, hoping to prevent myself from falling back into a spiral of vomiting. Finally, I zombie-walked back into my room, the shower not having done anything to cure my exhaustion.
The lit up digits on the clock beside my bed suddenly caught my attention like fireworks in the sky; it was 8:45 AM, fifteen minutes before I was supposed to be at work.
I must’ve showered for longer than I thought. I threw my hair in a messy bun and scrambled to assemble an appropriate outfit. My dress paints were still sitting where I’d tossed them after work last Friday and I quickly threw them on, deciding no one would notice such a subtle detail.
It was 8:58 AM when I pulled into a spot at the edge of the ZephTech building parking lot, a rather miraculous accomplishment. This was my first day not arriving at least ten—usually fifteen—minutes early. Not a good look for your first day on the job, I thought. But considering that I was still wet and fighting off nausea fifteen minutes prior to today’s workday, this was probably the best I could’ve hoped for.
I hurried over to where the interns would meet every morning. No one was there now since I was the only surviving intern left. I sat down and waited for my boss.
“Mornin’ Alicia,” Steve Lynchell said, walking over to me. He was tall with short blond hair dark enough that it looked almost brown in the right lighting.
“Good morning, Mr. Lynchell,” I said, willing a smile onto my face despite the churn in my stomach. I couldn't believe I still didn't feel good.
“Come on, call me Steve,” he said. “I know you can do it.”
I giggled awkwardly.
He chuckled too. “Go on, give it a try.”
“Good morning, Steve,” I said.
“There you go. Much better.” He smiled at me. “You’re not an intern anymore.”
“I know,” I said, not really knowing how else to reply.
“You’re a permanent member of our team now,” he said.
“It’s good to be on the team,” I said. “Great to be on the team, actually.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear that,” Steve Lynchell said. “Welcome to your first real day with ZephTech.” He did a sweeping sort of motion with his hand as he spoke.
“Thank you,” I said, and for a brief second my forced smile found a bit of authenticity.
“Head on over to my secretary's desk,” he told me. “She'll get you to fill out the necessary paperwork and she'll show you where your desk is. Welcome officially aboard.”
“Thank you, sir,” I replied. He frowned slightly. “I mean, thank you, Steve.”
He smiled and patted my shoulder before turning and making his way through the office to greet the rest of his employees. I felt another spout of nausea and fought it down, not wanting to run to the bathroom.
Everyone would probably think I’m hung over or something, I thought. And I couldn’t have that, especially not on my first day.
I wanted to work with the sort of energy and enthusiasm that should’ve been there on my first day, but instead I was inescapably tired. Whatever virus I had was zapping my energy.
The day went on without incident. I managed to sign everything and find my new desk. It was the same as the desk I had used for my internship, just next to a window. That was the only difference I could find. Other than that, everything felt the same.
There was the same nervous energy, the same constant threat that I needed to perform my best, and the same look of disapproval from other staff when I yawned. Other than the fact that I my paycheck was going to be much bigger, my life was the same it had been two weeks ago.
Well, without Jacob, I amended to myself. And for the first time that day,
I was glad I was going to be so busy. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to think about the fact that I was here because he was a total dick.
I looked around. The view from my window was just of another building, but it was better than nothing. I could make a future here. I hoped.
I opened up my email and found a mountain of work already awaiting me. My internship was over and the workload was just as intense. It loomed over me now, since there was no end-date. I buckled down. I didn't really have a life outside of this now anyway.
The day flew by. I worked and kept my head down, eating a light lunch that I managed to keep down, but by dinner I was done. It was even more work than when I was an intern. I was exhausted and needed to go home. I stood up and stretched, gathered my things, and left.
All my co-workers watched as I left. Even though it was well after six, I was the first one out of the office.
So much for making a good first day, I thought, barely keeping down a yawn. I managed to find my car and start driving home, only to hit the end of rush-hour traffic. At least it was mindless to sit in traffic.
I looked around, watching people singing in their cars or talking on the phone. For a moment, I wished I had someone to talk to. But I stuffed that ache down fast. If I wanted to talk to someone, I could talk to Caroline. Or my mom. I didn't need to talk to him.
The car crept forward. There was a giant billboard advertisement for baby wipes, with a beautiful newborn gazing directly into my soul and telling me to buy those specific wipes.
The baby's eyes were blue. Like Jacob's.
I couldn't stop the tears from starting. It had been a rough day and now I was thinking about how I would never have children with Jacob. Three days ago, I had been sure that we were meant to be together forever and that our future was rosy and bright. I had already imagined marrying him and having babies just like the one on that sign.
Only, it wasn't going to happen. It never was, to be honest, but now I knew it.
I was crying so hard, I could barely see straight. I wasn't fit to drive, so I took the next exit and pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store and proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the next fifteen minutes.
The sun had set by the time I finally pulled myself together. I didn't really feel any better, but now I was empty. I didn't have any more energy to cry. I was hollow.
My stomach rumbled and for the first time all day, I felt hungry. Orange juice again sounded like nectar of the gods, and luckily I was parked in front of a grocery store.
I wiped my face, grimacing in the rear-view mirror as I tried to look socially acceptable. I hoped people wouldn't look too closely, because I was a mess. My wet-dried hair was all over the place, my suit was wrinkled and I had spilled something on it, and now my face was splotchy and I no longer had any eye makeup on.
I looked like I had just been dumped, so at least I matched how I felt.
The neon lights of the store hummed as I picked up a basket and avoided any social contact. I ran from the nice woman in a red shirt who was putting canned goods away, not wanting to even make eye-contact with another human being.
Slowly, I walked the aisles, picking out things that sounded good. Orange juice, pickles, ice cream, and salt-n-vinegar chips all went in my basket.
“What, are you pregnant?” I asked myself as I tossed in a bag of gummy bears that suddenly looked delicious. I meant it as a joke, but it made me freeze.
Ice cream and pickles?
I couldn't remember what day it was. I nearly dropped my basket of food as I scrambled for my phone, desperate to check the date.
I was late. Way late.
“No way,” I said out loud. “There’s no way.”
Subconsciously my hands gravitated to my stomach and I dropped them as soon as I realized.
No. I’m on birth control, I thought. It was the same reason I hadn’t been concerned over a missed period, with them coming every three months it’d be another three or four weeks before I was even due. Birth control, I repeated to myself, now hearing my own voice in my head. It’s never failed before. All four years of college it never failed.
I swallowed hard, trying to fight off panic. I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken my birth control, which shouldn't have been a problem since I wasn't having sex during my internship. Except, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken it from before my internship.
“Okay,” I said out loud again, finding a weird comfort in lecturing myself. Luckily, the store was mostly deserted. “Time to buy a test.”
At the very least I needed to rule it out, I decided. Then, at that point I could go to a doctor and get some antibiotics or whatever I needed to fight the infection I’d caught. It had to be some sort of infection and my immune system was just causing me to crave weird things.
I walked quickly over to the feminine needs aisle. I appreciated the irony of pregnancy tests being next to the condoms and within spitting distance of the tampons. If you needed one of these things, you didn't need the other.
My hands shook as I selected two boxes. One was far cheaper than the other, but the more expensive box promised an easy digital readout. I wanted to be absolutely sure.
“I'm making the big bucks now,” I whispered, putting the more expensive one in my basket. “And digital is what got me into this mess. Maybe it will get me out.”
I glanced through my basket and realized I didn't need anything else. Except maybe more orange juice, I wanted gallons of that, so I began the walk to the checkout. With every step, I was sure people were watching me. I felt the security cameras on my every move as I put my things on the counter to buy. I did my best not to cringe as I put the pregnancy test up there.
I was sweating when the clerk swiped the test. I was ready with an “it's for a friend!” response if she said anything. But she didn't. She just scanned it and put it in a bag with my three gallons of orange juice.
“Have a great day,” the cashier told me as she handed me the bag. I expected judgment, but instead there was just a world-weary smile. I wondered just how many women she saw buy pregnancy tests on a daily basis.
I considered going to the bathroom of the grocery store, but chickened out. I told myself if was because I had ice cream that would melt if I didn't get it in the freezer, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. The last place I wanted to find out if I was pregnant or not was the grocery store because I wasn't sure how I was going to react.
I already looked like a crazy person with my three gallons of orange juice, tear streaked face, and psychotic hair. I didn't need to come out of the bathroom screaming, so I just went home.
Chapter 19
I peed on the stick.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It felt like an eternity. I paced the bathroom, I sat on the toilet, I straightened up my shower toiletries, yet the time did not pass. It was the longest five minutes of my life.
My hands shook as I approached the sink. It was the moment of truth. I was half afraid the test would somehow be inconclusive, despite the box's assurances that wouldn't happen.
I swallowed hard and picked up the test.
PREGNANT
It was written there in big bold letters.
I shook it, just to be sure.
PREGNANT
I didn't know if I should scream, cry, pass out or laugh. I felt like I should probably do all of the above. I wished I had someone here to hold my hand as I read that dark word that meant my life was changing. I wished I had Jacob, the one who didn't lie to me, with me telling me that everything was going to be okay and that this was a blessing.
I wished I had someone who would help me tell my dad.
I sank slowly onto the toilet and felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I pressed my hand against my stomach.
I already loved the life growing inside of me. Now that I knew it was there, I loved it. It didn't matter that its father was a lying bastard. It didn't matter
that it changed everything and I wasn't sure what I was going to do about that yet.
I loved that life and was determined to do whatever it took to keep it healthy.
My phone buzzed on the counter and I looked over to see a message from Jacob. I immediately deleted it as I didn't care what he had to say to me. I was still furious and wanted nothing to do with him and his apologies.
Do I have to tell him? I asked myself. Does he even deserve to know?
I looked at the positive test and knew that I should. I didn't have a clue how, though. It was the right thing to do, even if it would be terrible. I stood up and washed my hands.
“Oh, hi Jacob. I know that you're a lying POS, but you now have a baby,” I said cheerfully to the mirror. “Yeah, that's going to go over well.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to think. How in the world was I going to tell him? The last person on the entire planet I wanted to talk to was now the person I had to tell something very important to and I didn't know how to do it.
“I can't tell him right now,” I whispered. Not after that fight. I still didn't even want to think his name, let alone think of having a conversation. It just wasn't something I was ready to do.
“I'll tell him after it's confirmed by the doctor,” I told the mirror. Mirror me did not look impressed.
I would call the doctor in the morning and set up an appointment. After that, I would tell Jacob. I knew that there was still a possibility that this was a false pregnancy, or that I could lose the baby, so I didn't want to tell him too early.
“You just don't want to tell him at all, and you’re using that as an excuse,” Mirror me said. I stuck my tongue out at her. Still, I needed a little bit of time and waiting for the official word from the doctor seemed like it was the best idea.
I took a deep breath and tried not to panic.
“You okay in there?” Lauren called through the door.
“Fine,” I lied. “Just finishing up.”
“Okay, I just need to take a shower before bed,” Lauren replied. I listened to her footsteps head off into her room.