"No, I have a low caffeine tolerance," I said. The violinist was probably thinking, how Allecra ended up with a highschool girl, who had no elegant class nor special talents, or trendy taste, whatsoever.
"Oh, lucky you!" she said. "I'm a caffeine addict. I can't live without coffee."
"If I had a dollar for every time I heard this," I said, which made the violinist chuckle. I beamed back. She put her cup down and took out a handkerchief to dab at her lips.
"You know, we people find happiness in something petty like that," she said and then sighed, "But happiness is just a denial reaction to life."
"A denial reaction?" I asked.
"You're probably still too young to get it, but as a musician, melancholy is a sign of considerable self-awareness for me," she went on. "Have you ever noticed? Those who have embraced sadness have produced some of our finest art. Had Beethoven started taking Prozac, we might never have heard the 'Eroica' symphony. Had Van Gogh found his satisfaction, we'd never have seen his masterpieces to brighten up our own little lives. Beethoven, Franz Kafka, Mussorgsky, all miserable, but the sad people make the world a happier place. There's an Arabic saying 'Sunshine all the time makes a desert.' Happiness is like the phases of the moon."
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don’t quite understand what you're trying to say," I said.
"Let's cut to the chase then," she said. "I know how you must feel having me around. But before you get suspicious of my intention, I must make it clear that I mean you no harm."
I was silent as I waited to see she was getting at.
"What I'm saying is, I know about your relationship with Allecra, and I believe you have some basic of knowledge about our past as well. Yet that's not the sole reason why I wanted to have a talk with you. As a girl to another girl, I have to tell you what you should know."
"What is it that I should know?" I said.
"It's about Allecra," she said with a soft sigh. "She gives you all sort of things you wish for, doesn't she? She has this knack of making you feel special, so special, that you start to believe you're the only one that matters most in the world. And believe me, in a way, you are special. That's why she chose you. You're not like any other girls out there, Nina. There's an endless depth in your eyes. But this should not feed your optimistic innocence and steer you away from the truth."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You know what Allecra is, and what she wants from you," she said. "I don't need to go into details."
"If it's like what I think you meant, I can tell you that Allecra doesn't care about it anymore," I told her. Eva's face showed a little of surprise when she heard it, but then it smoothed out again.
"Yes, I can tell how much she has changed," she said. "It's like seeing a different person now. Not that she wasn't a great lover when we were together. She was perfect in every way. I'm sure you can agree on that. She was everything I could ever wish for as a life partner. But then one day, she just left. To put it plainly, I envy you, Nina. I envy you for getting a hold of her heart now. I saw that much in her eyes. The way she stared at you. It's something I wish I had. I'm sorry for feeling this way. I couldn't help it. But then again, I pity you more."
"Why?" I said in a voice barely above a whisper.
"I'm not saying that you don't deserve all these. In fact, I'm just worried about you. I want you to know that you shouldn't entrust your happiness entirely on her. One day she might leave you just like she did with me."
The thing is when I'm really angry, I don't rage. I go all cold and apparently that freaks people out. And now I could see that Eva seem to back paddle.
"Nina, I care about you," she said. "You're a wonderful person. You make people feel at ease in your company. I like you, like a sister the instant we met. But this is the truth you must accept."
Her voice was sincere enough that it made me realize that anger wouldn't solve anything.
"Allecra will never leave me," I said at last.
"You might be right, Nina, but things are not that simple," she sighed, "Her siblings will not take it lightly. They are here to make sure they have what they aim for. They won't allow their plan to go barren. You're a smart girl. You must know what would happen. I don't want this thing to ruin your life."
I sat quiet, staring at the ice melting inside the glass. My chest tightened, and I felt the lump swelled up in my throat.
"Nina, you still have many days ahead of you, your future, your passions and many more," Eva continued, almost in an atoning voice. "I don't want to see you get hurt like me. That's all I want to say."
Then she stood up. It seemed she wanted to say something more to me but, in the end, decided against it.
"I'll get Piper the coffee," she said. Then with a low sigh, she walked away. I closed my eyes and the darkness began to blend, and I felt the silence burrowed its way into my brain and the shell that held me.
CHAPTER 37
That night, Eva's words made sleeping difficult for me. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes to hours. I lied in bed and clutched the pillow with my thoughts scattered around like leaves falling from a dead tree.
I should have been worrying about something else, something sensible like homework, SAT test, college applications, part-time jobs, or even the so-called writing contest, which I hadn't even started yet. Those were the things normal teenagers should be worried about. Not sex or the risk of unwanted pregnancy or the threat of someone you love leaving you. But now, there wasn't a single person in the world knew how this private burden weighted me down.
Allecra loved me, no room for doubt about it. But Xenon would never turn a blind eye on this for long. I could feel her patience wearing thin. She had warned me the last time we talked. How I should reconsider my position while I still could. That was perfectly clear that she would end things between Allecra and me if I remained unbent.
But I wasn't the kind of person who would deceive myself. It was not what I wanted from the start, and no one could make me. That was the stubbornness, the hidden rebellion that had sent me all the way across the ocean in the first place. My father would call it 'impenetrable heart'.
Not that it hadn't crossed my mind about giving what Allecra wanted. In fact, it'd always been tugged in the back of my head the whole time. Yet I still believed that our relationship didn't have to be this way.
Eva was right about one thing. I was going to throw my life and future away if the breeding worked between me and Allecra. If it didn't, I would be too selfish to keep her with me. Although she loved and respected my decision, was the blonde alien truly happy knowing her ultimate dream and life mission would never be fulfilled because of me?
And if I agreed to have her baby, it could only complicate my life even more. So many changes and uncertainties I would have to face that I wasn't ready for. I honestly didn't know what to do.
All those thoughts drifted like fog in my mind. I fell asleep a few times and woke up just as often. These were short, unsettled snatches of sleep. It was one of those nights where you question everything and nothing feels right. Time wobbled by like a wagon with a loose axle until the light changed outside the window.
I was late when I woke up. Allecra had already been waiting outside. Concerned about her patience, I showered and dressed in haste. White clouds hung low at the horizon. The spring morning breeze seemed to carry excessive pollen in the air.
Inside the car, Allecra stared at me with an unusual scrutiny. It was as if she was detecting something behind the smiling mask of my face. I gave her a sloppy kiss on the lips. After all these times, she still looked a bit startled at my enthusiastic show of affection.
"What?" I asked.
"You're in a good mood despite looking like a panda," she noted.
"Oh," I breathed and touched my face in alarm. "I was up late doing some writing last night."
A blatant lie.
Allecra sighed and shook her head at me. She reached her hands out and smoothed the skin under my eyes, which
felt slightly puffy.
"How was your night out with the girls?" she asked, but she sounded like I had just got back from a battle rather than a time with Eva and Piper. For a moment, I thought I had seen the worry in her eyes like she was expecting some bad news.
"It was nice," I said, which was partly true. "I bought a few clothes. Oh! And Piper dyed her hair. Guess what color she picked?"
"Huh?" she said.
"Dark brown with dip-dyed turquoise! But don't worry. It turned out great, though," I said, "Piper's definitely flaunting it now."
"Glad you didn't do anything to yours," Allecra just said, running her fingers through my hair. "Don't ever dye it, okay? I love your hair natural like that."
"Okay, mamochka."
"Aw, don't call me that." She grimaced.
"What do I call you then?"
"Call me daddy," she said.
I gasped at her.
"I will never ever call you that, Allecra," I said and cringed to myself. She chuckled back.
"Alright, alright, I'm just kidding," she said and then started the car.
As we drove to school, we chattered about other things. I was just relieved that she seemed to have forgotten about the subject of last night. I didn't want her to dig into the details. I knew I would have to tell her at some point, but I just couldn't do it now. Allecra wouldn't be pleased about it. I didn't like putting Eva in a bad light. The violinist was just looking out for me, as a fellow potential.
But even Allecra and I were hopelessly in love with each other, I wondered how long my overthinking mind would creep back to overwhelm me again. The worst thing was feeling like I had a dream that I was happy with someone, when in fact, I just hadn't woken up yet. I tried to keep up my bearing and acted normal for Allecra's sake.
She walked me through the campus after we arrived. Lately, she had been alone with me instead of with Xenon and Triton. I had no idea where the other two were nor what they were doing now.
Allecra saw me off to class afterward. I was glad nothing seemed out of ordinary to her. But for me, Eva's voice still echoed from the deep darkness I tried to ignore.
During bio II, we studied about butterflies. Miss. Peterson was talking about how butterflies taste with their feet. Taste receptors on a butterfly's feet help it find its host plant. A female butterfly lands on different plants, drumming the leaves with her feet to make the plant release its juices and detect the right match of plant chemicals. When she finally identifies the right flower, she lays her eggs.
I was only half-listening for the rest of the lesson. Jordan noticed my spacing out while we were supposed to name different body's parts of a Monarch butterfly in the book.
After the bell rang and class was dismissed, she looked at me and said, "Hey, Nina, what's wrong? You're alright?"
I didn't know how she knew it, but Jordan seemed to have radar for a troubled mind. And when she asked, 'what's wrong' she really did care. Because I felt like I needed to talk to someone, I asked her straight out.
"Jordan, what would you do if you were so bent on loving someone, just to have your heart torn out by them at the end?"
"Wait, don't tell me that you and Allecra—?"
"No, no, we're fine," I reassured her. "I'm just asking."
She looked relieved, but at the same time confused and curious at my question.
"Nina," Jordan said with a low sigh. "If she ever dumps you, I'll let her know she's the stupidest person in the world."
"She's really nice to me, don't worry," I told her again and smiled half-heartedly back.
"Well then, I'm happy to hear that. I can't imagine how anyone could have possibly tasted your lips and let you go."
I felt the blush creeping up my neck.
"You haven't answered me yet." I changed the subject.
She pursed her lips for a moment.
"It depends on how deeply you love that person," she said.
"Would you still be with that person even if things get more complicated, either by choice or by default?"
"You shouldn't be in a relationship with the mindset that something bad will happen, Nina," she said. "If it's meant to be, it will be."
I molded it over and over in my head.
"You mean — you would decide to go for it anyway?" I asked. "What if it's not meant to be. What if it's not the right decision?"
"Love is a feeling, not a decision," Jordan said. "Just like a butterfly, it will fly away if you try so hard to chase it, but if it comes to you on its own, you best appreciate that moment."
That was a serendipitous discovery for me. I felt as though the hidden weight was lifted off my chest, and I was able to breathe freely again. Then I felt Jordan's hand on mine. I looked at my friend.
"Nina, if you're wondering what the direction your relationship is going right now, follow your heart. It always knows where it wants to go," she said. "I know it's scary at the beginning and ending can be heartbreaking, but if what happens in between makes you feel more alive than any time in your life, I think it's worth it."
"Thank you, Jordan," I said.
Indeed, Eva might be right about what she said, but she didn't know me, and how tough I could be. She underestimated my strength, thinking I might not have the courage to face complications and see things through. Now whatever happens let it happen, I was done worrying and overthinking. I wasn't going to run away like a coward anymore. I was willing to fight for this love. I was going to fight for Allecra.
Down the hallway, I ran so fast, everyone else had to make way for me. When I reached the Pepper tree, I spotted the sight of tousled blonde hair. My heart pumped faster than my feet. She was standing there, waiting to have lunch with me as always. I called her name. Allecra turned around and I jumped right into her arms with my legs wound around her like a baby koala. She was strong enough to catch me. I leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips then pulled away.
"Whoa!" Allecra said, looking surprised and confused. "What is it, monkey?"
I giggled and got down on my feet again. We stood gazing at each other.
Of course, Allecra was like a butterfly. Her love had come to me. I was the flower she wanted, the right match of chemicals, not Eva or the other potentials. I was different, and I believed that we would get through anything as long as we had each other, whatever it might be.
"Allecra," I said softly, holding her hands in mine and staring into her deep brilliant eyes.
"Yes?" she said.
"Can we see the aurora tonight?"
~*~
The two of us arrived in a white plain of Alaska through the portal-like spinning machine. This time, it was Allecra who projected the threads of thoughts into reality. All around us was a vast snow-covered area bordered by tall hemlocks, cedars, and pines. It was already dusk here, but there was no aurora in the sky.
"It will appear soon enough," Allecra whispered like she could read my mind. "You're lucky. Aurora Borealis is frequent in spring and winter."
She pointed to a distance. I followed her hand and saw a small cottage with a spinning waterwheel about a hundred feet away. It stood near the bank of a running creek. Far behind was miles and miles of snow-peaked mountains where the sun had just set.
"It's so beautiful! Does someone live there?" I asked.
"Nobody lives around here," Allecra said. "That's my cottage."
"Your cottage?"
"Let's get inside and find you some warm clothes," she said. "It'll get colder when night falls."
There were a few pots of plants on the stairs on the front porch. The light on the door was on. Allecra opened it and we got inside. Everything was made of varnished wood. It had a small living area with a rug under a white couch and a fireplace. There was a kitchenette at one side with a glass window facing the view of the mountains. I saw a ladder going right up to the bed in the attic.
"We'll have to wait for a while," Allecra said. "How about a nice hot mug of chocolate?"
"That would be perfect," I
said with a smile.
As the night drew in, we both sat by the burning fireplace on the couch with our legs under a warm blanket. We cupped our cold hands around the warm mugs. The marshmallows floated in the browny drink. Then Allecra clicked on a button of a remote control, which she fished out of a bowl on a nightstand. Then the roof above us opened, revealing a skylight. I gasped at the perfect canvas of diamond-like constellation above us. I saw more stars than I ever thought possible.
"Amazing!"
"I know." Allecra smirked charmingly at me. "I designed it myself, and Triton helped me build it. Impressive?"
"Very! How do you get the electricity in the middle of nowhere anyway?"
"Hydropower," she told me. "That waterwheel isn't just for decoration, you know."
Under the glow of the fire, we snuggled into each other and sipped the warm beverage in contentment.
"Can we live like this every day?" I asked, resting my head on Allecra's shoulder. She put her arm around me and smoothed my hair.
"If you want to, we can start from now," she said. I loved this about her. She always made everything sound possible no matter how far-fetched it was.
"I wish," I said.
"Maybe someday," she said. "Did you know we're facing Russia right now?"
"Oh really?"
"Yeah." She nodded.
"It's breathtaking here," I said. "Russia still regrets selling Alaska till these days."
"Oh please," Allecra scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You're all still in the illusion of what belongs to whom. But no one has brought anything into the world, and everyone will leave it the same way. We're just passing through for a short time. Who cares?"
"Alright, Miss. Philosopher." I smiled and leaned to kiss her cheek. She tilted my head back and met my lips with hers. She tasted like sweet chocolate, literally.
Then we felt a gentle glow in the distance. I opened my eyes and turned. There I finally saw it — the greenish light taking on a yellowish and reddish cast in the sky. It was even better than a double rainbow.
"Here it comes, Nina," Allecra whispered in my ear, "the northern lights."
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