by Anna Post
It’s not easy to keep calm when you’ve been thrown for a loop, but by maintaining your cool you can turn even the most socially awkward situation into a success. Let’s look at a common scenario: You’ve invited three couples for dinner. The table’s perfect: flowers, place cards, candles—the whole nine yards. You open the door to find that Katherine and Rob have unilaterally taken the liberty of bringing along their friend Jane, who’s visiting. You could say,
(A) “What were you thinking, bringing an extra person to my dinner party?! I don’t know how I’m going to cope. My menu, my seating plan—everything is ruined!”
And you’ll be absolutely right—because while it’s true that Katherine and Rob never should have brought Jane without asking you first, your reaction has now ruined the evening for everybody.
Or you could say,
(B) “Jane, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m so glad Katherine and Rob brought you along! Let me get you something to drink while they introduce you.”
Make sure your facial expression, tone, and body language match your gracious words or the whole effect will be lost.
Sure, you’ll have to rearrange a few place settings and fiddle with portions, but your gracious welcome has smoothed over what could have been a very uncomfortable moment. In fact, the other guests may not even notice that Jane wasn’t on the original guest list! (By the way, it’s okay to call Katherine and Rob the next day and let them know how much you enjoyed having Jane at the party, but that if this kind of situation comes up again, you’d really appreciate a call ahead of time.)
Friends Don’t Let Friends...
The one thing you can’t ignore is a guest who’s over the limit. First, stop serving him alcohol, and second, take away his car keys. Offer a bed or a couch for the night or take on the responsibility of seeing Mr. Not-So-Sober safely home—but whatever you do, never let him drive. And remember, calling a cab or asking a friend to take the drunk person home only makes him someone else’s responsibility.
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FHB: Three Magic Letters
Sometimes, for whatever reason—extra guests, a dish that didn’t make as much as anticipated, a potluck that’s long on salad and short on entrées—a host realizes there isn’t quite enough food. FHB stands for “Family Hold Back.” Whispered to your immediate family, it’s a secret signal that they should either take a mini portion of whatever’s in short supply or wait until all the guests have been served.
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CONTINGENCY PLANS
Some guests are late
Wait 15–20 minutes, then start without them.
A guest breaks or spills something
Smooth over the incident and clean the mess up quickly. The guest should apologize and offer to do what he can to resolve the situation—but if he doesn’t, chalk it up to the cost of entertaining a less-than-considerate guest.
A guest makes an ethnic slur or an offensive joke
Interrupt and change the subject, or ask for his help in another room, where you can tell him that his off-color jokes or remarks are making others uncomfortable. Be sure to apologize privately to anyone who might have been offended.
Unexpected guests show up at your door
Greet them graciously and do your best to include them. Set extra places at the table if possible (even if your place settings aren’t an exact match). If all else fails, eat on laps in the living room.
A guest has had too much to drink
Cut off the alcohol and take away the car keys. Offer him a place to sleep for the night or drive him home yourself.
There’s not enough food
Plate the food, using smaller portions of what’s short and larger ones of what’s in good supply. Augment the salad and add bread if possible. Signal “FHB” (Family Hold Back) to family members.
Dinner is overcooked, undercooked, or an otherwise complete disaster
Laugh and order pizza!
Wrap it Up
Since even the most awesome parties have to end sometime, it’s a good idea to have a few exit lines prepared for die-hard guests who show no sign of leaving. Of course, if you’re game to party till dawn, there’s no worry here. But if you really need to call it a night you can, in the following order:
Close the bar.
Turn off the music.
Start cleaning up.
Yawn—repeatedly.
Be direct: Stand up and say, “Wow—look at the time! I’ve got yoga [a meeting, a class] first thing tomorrow. Let’s call it a night.”
Start turning out the lights.
Go to bed.
Sharing the Joy: Tips on Cohosting a Party
Cohosting with friends is a great way to throw a big party or dinner that may be too expensive or too much work for an individual or a couple, or for events honoring others, such as birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, engagements, weddings, promotions, or retirements. It’s a fun way to bond with friends and can be a great way to expand your entertaining skills.
Communication is the key to successful cohosting. As soon as possible after you say, “Let’s do it!” sit down together to discuss dates, guest list, budget, and who’s doing what. Divide the duties as evenly as possible, taking advantage of each person’s skills and interests: Put the decorator in charge of the table, and the cook in charge of the meal. Decide who greets, who’s in charge of drinks and hors d’oeuvres, who preps, and who serves. All the hosts share in the usual hosting responsibilities throughout the party—welcoming guests, making introductions, and seeing to the guests’ comfort. Be aware that the “home host” will bear the brunt of the event, so visiting hosts should offer to help with the pre- and post-party cleaning and supplement any tableware or kitchen equipment.
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Your Partner Is Your Cohost
When you entertain as a couple, it doesn’t mean that one of you does all the prep and acts as host while the other acts like a guest. Consider yourselves cohosts. Communicate clearly with each other and divvy up the hosting duties ahead of time. Also agree on what those duties are and don’t assume that being the bartender means the same thing to both of you. Your idea might be to actually pour and serve drinks; her idea may be, “Help yourself.” At the end of the party, thank each other and compliment each other on a job well done.
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Chapter Three
Planning to have Fun
Believe it or not, having fun at your own party is largely about careful preparation. The more planning you put into your party, the easier and more enjoyable the experience will be because you won’t be eaten up with worries. We recommend breaking down the process into four parts:
Anna and Lizzie’s four-step party plan
Work out your overall party plan—including the type of party you’re going to throw, the number of guests, and your budget.
Make a planning timeline so that you’ll know when to send the invitations, hire help, purchase or rent supplies, order flowers, shop for food, clean the house, decorate, set the table, and prepare the food and drinks.
Draw up to do lists for all these tasks, along with detailed shopping lists that cover your entire menu and beverage needs.
Most parties or small gatherings won’t need this step, but if you’re having a serious party—sit-down dinner, lots of courses, mailed invitations—map out a party timeline to ensure that your party flows smoothly from beginning to end. (For a sample party timeline, see page 30.)
Working Out Your Overall Plan
Let’s pretend that you’re planning to host a thirtieth birthday party for your close friend Carolyn. You’ve discussed it with her husband, John, and he’s on board. Now what? Work out your initial plans on paper, jotting down all your ideas and amending as you go. Lizzie likes to use a kitchen whiteboard so the plan can be easily updated. Use your own favorite planning method, or a simple grid like the one below can help pull your ideas together.
Next, begin to expand and refine your plan—adding a new column for your to do and shopping lists
and other notes—and start filling in the details to create a general timeline:
GENERAL PLANS
Event: Carolyn’s 30th Birthday—Cocktails & Cupcakes Saturday, June 18; 6–8 p.m.
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
Check date and time with John
GENERAL PLANS
# Guests: 24
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
Consult with John on guest list
GENERAL PLANS
Time to event: 4 weeks
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
This week, 5/20:
Make guest list and run it by John
Buy invitations and paper goods
Hire bartender/helper
Plan menu and drinks
5/27:
Mail Invites
6/4:
Check on RSVPs
Call florist
Party week, 6/11-18:
Shopping
Cleaning
Cooking
Set Up
GENERAL PLANS
I can handle: Invitations, flowers, drinks,
hors d’oeuvres, birthday
cupcakes, paper goods
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
Scribbles Stationery:
Invitations, napkins, birthday candles
In Full Bloom:
Flowers—peonies?
Hors d’oeuvres:
Marsha—shellfish allergy
Cupcakes:
Carolyn loves chocolate with coconut
Drinks:
Full bar?
OR
Champagne cocktails or margaritas?
White & red wine, beer, iced tea, sparkling/mineral water
GENERAL PLANS
I need help: Bartender, server/cleanup
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
2 people @ 4.5 hours (4:30–9:00) @ $25/hour = $225 plus $50 tips = $275—too much???
GENERAL PLANS
Budget: $350—split with John
DETAILS, NOTES, TO DOS
Hmm...maybe skip the bartender and full bar, keep a server/busser
As you look at each item on your list, you’ll be able to see whether it’s realistic and if it accomplishes your goals. For example, if more than half of your budget is going to a bartender and a helper, will you have enough left for food, flowers, and drinks? One solution could be to skip the bartender and stick to serving wine, beer, sparkling water, fruit juice, and a premade cocktail that your cohost, John, can serve. On the other hand, hiring someone to take coats, pass hors d’oeuvres, pick up plates and glasses, and do basic cleanup will let you spend all your time with your guests—so you may not want to give that up.
Fun and Games
Entertaining isn’t just about serving a meal. There are lots of ways to add fun to a party. If you’re planning an activity as part of your party, you’ll need to figure out where it fits into your party timeline and how long it will take to complete. A How to Host a Murder dinner can take all evening. Depending on the players’ enthusiasm, charades could last twenty minutes to an hour, cards or Scrabble an hour or all night, and sports as long as the daylight and the players’ stamina lasts! Keep the focus on the fun, and be flexible enough to call a halt to the game if your guests start to lose interest.
Indoors
Charades
Cards: Hearts, poker, bridge
Fictionary
Scrabble
How to Host a Murder
Outdoors
Bocce or boules
Croquet
Volleyball
Badminton
Touch football
Managing Your Schedule
Our advice in a nutshell: You can never, ever be too prepared. A successful party looks effortless, but that’s only because of the careful prep work that went into it. And one of the most vitally important parts of party preparation is managing your schedule. Prep is truly personal, so this means knowing how much time you need to set aside to prepare: to shop, clean or straighten up your house, set the table, set up the bar, prep and cook your meal, and shower and dress for the party (really!).
We strongly recommend sitting down and creating an actual timeline. That way you’ll have what you need when you need it, and you’ll also be sure to leave plenty of time for your cooking and setup. You can follow the same approach whether you’re hosting a formal dinner party or a simple get-together: The idea is to walk through all the steps involved in preparing for the party, working backward from the party date, and try to estimate how long each step will take. As you become more experienced entertaining, this step will become automatic and simpler. For a serious party, we like to print out a blank calendar that begins a month ahead of our party date, and then we fill in all our various party tasks on the calendar. Spread the work out, filling in a few items at a time. That way you’ll keep it fun and won’t feel overwhelmed.
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Shopping Tips
* Preorder meat or fish. Have the butcher or fishmonger do the prep for you: butterfly a leg of lamb, trim a tenderloin, fillet a salmon.
* Check on pantry and cooking staples as you’re making your master list. Don’t forget to stock up on butter, cooking oil, spices, herbs, and condiments.
* Shop as early as you can before the party: a week ahead for staples; one or two days ahead for fresh ingredients.
* Wash and store produce right away so it’s ready for prepping.
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SAMPLE TIMELINE
Although the actual time frame may vary somewhat according to the particular party, this timeline covers the elements involved in planning most parties.
4–5 weeks ahead
Establish date, purpose, budget, guest list
Purchase invitations, if mailing
Hire help
3–4 weeks ahead
Mail, e-mail, or phone invitations; as guests respond, inquire about food allergies
Choose and reserve any rental items; arrange for pickup or delivery
2 weeks ahead
Finalize menu—food and beverages
Gather all recipes; photocopy and keep in a folder
Begin making shopping lists: food, beverages, flowers, decorations, equipment rental
Check party linens; send to dry cleaner or wash and iron if necessary
1 week ahead
Call any non-RSVPers
Purchase wine, liquor, and other beverages—either take with you or arrange for delivery
Order meat or fish and arrange pickup time
Purchase decorations, candles
Prepare music: make playlist or choose CDs
Order flowers; arrange for pickup or delivery
3 days ahead
Take care of any major housecleaning
Replace missing lightbulbs
Check and tidy walks, entryways
Order ice for delivery or pickup, or start making and bagging your own
2 days ahead
Shop for all remaining ingredients
Pick up beverages, flowers, rental items
Make seating plan; write place cards
Begin food prep, if necessary
Day before
Choose serving dishes for meal and/or hors d’oeuvres
Set dining table
Lay out buffet table, label serving dishes, wrap silverware in napkins
Set up bar area
Check and restock guest bathroom
Set up coat area
Tidy party spaces, if needed
Arrange decorations
Do as much food prep and precooking as your recipes allow
Morning of
Chill wine, water, juices, and mixers
Arrange flowers if doing it yourself
Make any sauces; fill condiment dishes and refrigerate; fill saltcellars, pepper grinders
Prepare salad and dressing and refrigerate (separately)
Assemble crudités, cheese platters, or antipasto platters; wrap and refrigerate
Retidy party areas, i
f needed
Make a mental “What can I do?” list in case guests offer to help (See Chapter 5, When You Need a Supporting Cast, page 49)
4 hours – 1½ hours before
Pick up ice if it’s not being delivered
Finish any food prep—you want to have as little as possible to do when guests arrive
Slice bread—wrap until ready to put on the table
1½ hours before
Get yourself ready!
45 – 15 minutes before
Set out any platters/hors d’oeuvres that need to be at room temperature
Set out butter to soften—wrap until ready to put on the table
Fill ice buckets; place cold beverages, wine, beer at the bar
Open wine
15 minutes before
Dim the lights
Turn on the music
Do a mental run-through of the evening and any other meal-related tasks you need to attend to
Take a few minutes to enjoy your creation
Take a deep breath and smile
Party time
Greet your guests
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Day-Before Prepping Tips
* Marinate meat or chicken.
* Make baked desserts, fillings or dips for hors d’oeuvres, sauces, and salad dressing.
* Chop vegetables; bag and store.
* Wash, spin, and store lettuces and salad greens.
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Write it Down, Make it Happen
While you can throw a party without making lists, you’ll only drive yourself crazy. The beauty of making lists is that they relieve you from having to remember so many things at once. Believe us, you’ll be much more relaxed. So repeat after us: “Lists are my friends.”
The easiest thing to do is to keep separate lists for specific reasons: a to do list that you can check off and add to as needed plus several shopping lists for groceries, beverages, and supplies. For a big party or important event it helps to organize lists by supplier once you have a master list.