"I'm sorry," I whispered eventually, feeling the all-too familiar ache settle in my chest. "I can only imagine all the things you've had to see. The pain you've had to endure."
"Not all of it was bad, you know." Her eyes began to lighten, releasing me from her soulful stare. The smile to me through the mirror showed she meant it. "I've met several Nephilim in their time, and tons of demons like Kayden. I've fallen in love, had friendships stronger than diamonds, seen things that the world will never bear witness to ever again. I refuse to regret a single moment of my life."
The moment she said Kayden, my heart gave a weak beat against my skin. Hesitantly, playing with part of my skirt, I asked. "Kayden, has he always been like he is now?"
"Like what?" Her eyes went cloudy with confusion, her fingers running through the end of ponytail out of habit. "You mean snarky and moody?"
I nodded.
"Not always. He used to be much, much worse," her tone lowered, and I strained to hear it. "You never would have wanted to be around him after he lost his love to the Queen."
My eyes widened, a cold running over my body that had nothing to do with bare arms and exposed shoulders. "He loved the Queen?"
"No. The Queen killed his love." Lilix looked uncomfortable talking about it, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "She had been a mortal, and the Queen had just taken the throne. She explicitly forbade all relationships with mortals, unless it was out of need, like a vampire for blood. Kayden ignored her, and the Queen found out."
"What happened?"
"The Queen had a vampire turn her, and she ran into the sunlight, set herself on fire, and died."
I stopped breathing.
"Kayden loathed the Queen, wanted her dead. But with Lucretia being part demon, part Nephilim, he was useless against her. That's when he went underground, and found me."
The ache in my chest spread, and I took a small, shuddering breath to ease the pain. It had only been a couple of weeks since my grandparents were murdered by one of the Queen's personal Vens, and I could hardly stand it. To exist for centuries, carrying that kind of burden, had to be maddening. "How could he live like that, knowing the person who killed his only love got away with it every day?"
"I'm not sure, honestly." She let out a sad sigh, meeting my eyes in the mirror. Something in them was haunting and hollow, and I wondered if Kayden was the only one who had felt the power of the Queen's wrath. "Death would probably feel better than whatever he feels thinking about her."
I opened my mouth to speak when she placed both hands on my shoulders, shaking her head. "We could go on about this all night, but you have to go."
We started to walk out the room together, when she stopped in her tracks. "Hold on." Making a quick turn back into the room, I waited for her in the hall as she emerged with a familiar, small purple vial.
"I've seen that before," I said. "At the apothecary."
Lilix gave the bottle a slight twist with her fingers, grinning. "One of my personal best." Placing it into a spare hidden pocket within the folds of the dress, she nodded with satisfaction. "There, now you're all set."
"What is it?"
"Insurance." She winked. "You'll know when to use it. Now let's go! Any longer in there and they'll start thinking we're making lesbian moves on each other, or whatever it is boys dream of in their spare time."
Somehow, I had a feeling she wasn't far off.
We walked out of her room together, making for the drawing room where Ari and Kayden were waiting. As soon as I stepped into the room, I watched both of them stare at me in wild fascination. I did my best not to roll my eyes; boys and their slack-jawed idiocy.
Ari and Kayden had both traded in their typical mash-up of black t-shirts and pants for full tuxedos, bow ties and all. Ari had a small white rose bud pinned to his jacket; Kayden sported a red rose with black tipped petals.
"We wondered if you got lost in that closet," Kayden snickered, a corner of his lips twitching in delight. "I was just about to batten down the hatches and go in after you. But only once Ari secured a video camera."
Lilix and I looked at each other. Yep. Spot on.
"Nice to see you too," I replied humorlessly, face neutral.
Ari held out the tiny, green vial to me once more. "Ready for this?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," I muttered, uncorking the small glass tube in my hands. With one gulp, I downed its contents, the liquid thick and slimy.
I handed the vial back to Ari, and held my breath. My stomach let out a low, nauseating rumble, shaking my entire body. I could feel myself altering, my bones reshaping under the effects of the potion. Holding out my hands in front of my face, they began to shrink, turning small and soft with faint white scars etched in the palms. As the shaking stopped, I turned to look at Lilix. She smiled wickedly, picking up a round mirror from the mantle and holding it up for me to see. Sure enough, an exact carbon copy of Lilix stared back at me; gone were the under-eye circles, dark brown eyes, and short blonde hair. Now my hair was long, soft and beautiful, my eyes a glowing blue, and not a trace of tiredness touched my face.
All three of them were grinning at me. Even I couldn't help the grin spreading on my lips. "This is pretty awesome. And hey, the dress sure fits better. I actually have boobs now!"
Kayden was the first to laugh, startling all of us. "So much for not being vain. Come on, let's go. I'm sure the carriages are waiting outside."
I nodded, taking the mirror from Lilix and placing it back on the mantle. Without warning, everything around me turned blurry and tilted sideways. I latched onto the edge of the mantle and stared straight ahead, concentrating on the in and out rhythm of my chest as I struggled to breathe.
Ari's voice sounded in my ear instantly. "You okay?"
For a second I thought I wouldn't be able to answer. Then the room suddenly snapped back into sharp clarity, all traces off dizziness vanished. I felt oddly light, like I was floating.
"Yeah, I feel fine."
And my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I blacked out.
CHAPTER TWELVE
SMOKE & MIRRORS
Sound was the first thing that came back. It came to me in waves, slowly growing from a faint whisper to a full breath.
Ari spoke first, panic clear as wedding bells. "How long has she been out?"
"Five minutes." Kayden seemed far less worried.
"We can't do this, look at her! She can't handle it."
"Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be looking for, seeing as she looks like Lilix right now. Unless you mean under her skirt?"
Lilix growled. "Kayden, keep your perverted hands off of her before I relocate you to the bottom of the Atlantic."
Ari's voice continued to strain with worry. "Lilix, don't you have something to... you know..."
"Stave off death? There is no such thing, dear. Death is inevitable. Death waits for no one."
Through the thickness of the dark, I forced my lips to move. "I can hear you."
There was a small stretch of silence before both voices clamored in my ears.
"Essallie, this is too much-"
"We need to call this off-"
"No," I said as firmly as I could, forcing my eyes open against the weight of the dark. I was on the floor, Kayden and Ari on either side of me on their knees, hovering freakishly close over my face.
"What do you mean no?" Ari was the first to ask.
Pushing up onto my elbows, I bit back a gasp of pain. I must have fallen backwards when I passed out. "Help me the hell up, we're going to be late," I hissed, eyeballing both of them. Turning to Lilix, I gave her a plead. "Can you have the carriage brought to the front? It'll be easier to get in that way."
She gave me a sharp and steady nod before leaving. "You can do this. Don't listen to these two worry warts."
"Didn't plan on it."
Kayden helped me up without complaint, his face kept decidedly neutral. Ari continued to be stringent, watching me with disbelief.
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"Essallie, just look at you! You can barely stand. Who the hell knows what'll happen when we get there," he protested angrily, putting his arm out to block my passage out of the room.
"Ari, it was one tiny little blackout. Big deal. I haven't slept in nearly two days, that's probably what's wrong," I said, ignoring the shaking, unsettling rattling in my bones. Quitting now would be a mistake, one I wasn't about to make. This wasn't just about me and what I wanted now. This was about Kayden, Ari, Lilix, and Serena. This was about everyone the Queen had held onto and squeezed until nothing was left to draw from. Plus, I was itching for a little bloodshed.
Doing his best without taking me up into his arms, Kayden helped me to the carriage waiting outside for us. His face told me he didn't care that he burned as he helped, just that I stayed conscious and alive. Ari, on the other hand, was furious, following behind us with every intent of sounding like the muttering, whining, pain in the neck he was becoming.
As soon as I was in the carriage, I let my body collapse in a heap of fabric and flesh, deflating like a hot air balloon. Kayden hung on the edge of the door, waiting until Ari was in before he spoke. "Ari will stay by your side the entire time. Remember, you're Lilix tonight, not Essallie."
I sat up a little straighter, pressing my back into the chilled, deep green fabric lining the private and intimate compartment. "Where will you be?"
"Around," he said simply, winking for added effect. "Try not to miss me too much."
"I wouldn't dream of it." Rolling my eyes, I reached over and pulled the door shut, and with a jolt, the carriage took off.
Ari and I rode in silence, the only sound between us breathing. He refused to meet my eyes, staring straight ahead with a cold, hardened silence reminding me of the angel statues in the cemeteries.
I was the first to break the silence. "Ari..."
"Don't," he cut me off, a hand raised in silence. "Please, don't."
"What is your problem?"
"My problem? You're pushing yourself to death, Essallie. Don't you see how fast you're moving the clock, winding it to your undoing?"
"Excuse me, but you're the one who told me not to stop," I said with a snap, anger building to a blush in my cheeks. "You're the one who told me a cancer patient doesn't quit. I may not have tumors, but the end result is still death, and I'm still not quitting."
"I didn't ask you to engage in a violent, burning death wish."
"What I am doing is not a fiery death wish, it's a bloodbath."
"Your attitude is terrible."
"Oh? Pardon me, I thought I was all sparkles and sprinkles."
"Dammit, Essallie," Ari looked pained, his fingers pressing into the side of his temple. "Death or not, didn't you ever think some of us aren't ready to watch you die?"
My confidence faltered. "What- what do you mean?"
"I'm saying you're going about this the wrong way." His words hung in the air like a haze of smoke around a volcano. "I'm saying... two Nephilim are better than one."
"Ari, I'm going to die." I reached over, placing a comforting hand over his. "We're all going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually we all will pass."
"And you're... you're okay with that?"
I gave him a small, gentle nod of the head. "I think part of the reason I was so twisted after Leo's death was because I couldn't accept someone not being there ever again. Maybe part of it had to do with me being scared of my own death." A nervous bubble of laugh escaped my lips, yet somehow it felt comforting. "But I've accepted it now. If I'm meant to die to save even just one person, then so be it."
Ari opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't think of a word to say. With resignation he closed his mouth, reducing himself to biting his lower lip. Dark swirls of pain, fear, and something else stirred in his eyes, and in that moment I knew exactly what he was trying to say without actually saying it.
He didn't want me to die, because he had fallen in love with me.
Realization sank into my chest like a knife, knocking the breath clear from my lungs. Something colder than ice froze my veins, and I dared to sneak a glance at Ari.
His eyes were focused on the outside, one hand parting the curtain keeping out the glowing lights from streetlamps lining the way. Even though he appeared calm, waves of something stronger rolled off of him, leaving a bitter, upsetting taste to linger in the air.
I looked back down to my hands on my lap, bewildered. How could I have missed it? One minute, Ari was someone virtually unknown to me, someone with a drive and goal I could barely understand except that he needed to be with me, the only other Nephilim on the planet. Now it felt deeper, like he ached to be near me emotionally, an attachment formed. I had to clear the air, had to tell Ari that now just wasn't the time to be thinking of where my heart could lie.
The carriage came to a sudden, jolting halt, rattling both of us from our seats. Ari gave me one quick, small glance, a smile on his lips that didn't touch his eyes. "We're here. Remember, you're under disguise. We're here as a pair of great, close friends."
As he said the last part, I couldn't help but feel another stab of pain as I watched the sadness soak into his stare. Close or not, friends was the last thing he wanted to be.
The carriage door opened with a strong swing, a gloved hand held out for me to take. I took it and stepped out, taking a moment to revel in the beauty of the fortress I had just stepped into.
A castle crafted entirely out of pure, unblemished white marble spread out before me. The east half of the castle shined with a bright light inside, small windows opened to let air ventilate the stifling party rooms. Turrets twisted high and intimidating, their tops covered in tan shingles, reminding me of upside down ice cream cones. But that was the only sweet thing about this place.
I quickly took notice that the party was taking part on not just one, but two floors. The first level was all indoors, thin veiled curtains billowing out toward the night, sounds of excitement in the form of laughter and cheering brewing inside. The second level was outside in the form of a large, fully exposed balcony, soft sounds of a string orchestra playing for the couples dancing along the stretch.
Ari came around the carriage, extending his arm with a stage smile in place. "Shall we, Lilix?"
I gave him a faint, innocent nod, linking arms with his. "Let's make the most of this beautiful night."
His eyes flashed, the corners of his mouth playing with a teasing smile. "To make the most of it, we'd have to go somewhere private."
My jaw locked, and I bit back the urge to say something nasty. Although, I did make a mental note to repay him for his remark later with a good kick to the shin.
Ari led us inside, taking the lead, as I had no idea where the heck to go. From the large marbled steps leading into the grand foyer, a long plush and rich red carpet lined the way. Three chandeliers larger than school buses hung above, crystals dripping in decoration while thick tapers created a romantic illumination. All around me, men and women walked around with a sense of stuck up aristocracy, men sporting cigars and brandy in tiny glasses while women dressed in every jewel they owned. I couldn't help but feel we had stepped backwards in time, where old style riches in flashy displays like parties and personally handcrafted drapes were all the rage. That, and that I was underdressed.
"All of this," I spoke in a low tone to Ari, keeping my eyes on surveying the room for any familiar faces. "For a play?"
"Of course." Ari replied simply, as if it was a common thing to throw multi-million dollar parties for plays. "You don't understand, this is the Queen's favorite play."
"Why?"
"Because no one wins in the end."
We moved through the crowds, passing every creature you could imagine; vampires, dressed to the nines in gold and black, fangs carefully exposed; faeries, bright bulbs of blues and pinks reminding me of jellyfish in open ocean waters; werewolves, all carefully avoiding the silver cutlery and serving plates; and demons, each dressed with a different h
int of their most favored time in history.
Time passed, varying degrees of jubilant and dulcet music playing from all angles. Ari steered me to several people, whispering quickly who they were and a general synopsis about them so I had something to grasp onto for conversation. For the most part, I held my tongue, letting Lilix's pretty face do most of the talking.
"We must be going now," Ari said suddenly, knocking me from my stare at the man's three-wide purple chin in front of me. "I promised Lilix we'd take a small spin around the balcony before leaving for the night."
The man, a warlock of some kind I was told, gave a small bow. "I'm sure we'll talk soon about the mechanics of proper potion ingredient arraignment. You always do find yourself in the apothecary."
"Indeed she does," chimed in another voice behind me. Ari's shoulders visibly stiffened as I looked over my shoulder to see who it was that spoke.
It was Bernard, the owner of the apothecary, his wife Lorena in tow. Both were as overdressed as the rest of those present, Lorena in a low cut, navy blue velvet gown that flared out past the hips, large diamonds hanging from her neck. Bernard, like all the other men inside the first floor of the party, held a cigar in one hand and glass of alcohol in another, his grey tuxedo fitted and sharp.
"Ah, Lilix, I thought you weren't the type to dally in these sorts of social events?" Bernard took a drag of his cigar, blowing smoke straight at my face.
I did my best not to cough, but couldn't stop my eyes from watering at the musty cloud. "Not typically, no. Ari convinced me it would be best to get some air for the day."
Bernard's face darkened, eyes refusing to look at Ari. "Mixing bad blood among the crowd, I see."
"You know I have no problem with them, Bernard." A familiar pit of fire sired in my gut. While I would have been okay insulting the oaf and jabbing him in the eyeballs, I knew Lilix took the high road. "It's best we agree to disagree on this one."
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