The Soul That Redeems Me (The Forever Mine Series Book 3)

by H. J. Marshall

  Granny died when I was eight and when Mom would be admitted, I would hide from the people looking for me and make my way to the hospital. I needed to be close to her in case she needed something, and the nurses started to get to know me, trying to look out for me.

  They would bring me clean clothes and take my dirty ones home to wash so I could go to school without fear of my classmates knowing that I was essentially living in a hospital. They should have called the authorities, but I would have just run off and hidden until Mom was released again. They never kept her over a few weeks and I had adapted to living hand to mouth.

  I’m ashamed to say I pick-pocked tourists and stole food to survive when I was left to fend for myself. One time the Department of Family Services took me to foster care. I was there two nights before that pervert found me. I was nine years old, and that was the last night I trusted an adult I didn’t know. After that, I found a way to survive.

  Once my Mom finally lost her battle with yet another violent asshole, I was sitting at the hospital, lost. I had nowhere to go and I knew I wouldn’t last long on the streets. A nurse who had been exceptionally kind to me over the last two years was the one who told me about my Mom. She held me while I cried. Not tears for my lost parent. She had been gone to me my entire life.

  I cried for the future that I wanted and wasn’t sure I would get. She allowed me to purge my pain and grief, my anger and frustration in that quiet room. When I was done, she looked at me and told me I was coming home to live with her and her husband. I had met him over a year before when he brought her dinner one night and asked me to join them.

  It was strange, eating with a man and woman who were nice to each other, never called each other names, and showed no signs of physically hurting each other. He held her hand and looked at her like she was the most perfect person he had ever met and I knew I wanted what they had. They took the time to ask me questions about school, what I wanted to do when I grew up, what my favorite color was.

  Things most people take for granted, they cared about. They wanted to get to know me so when she made the offer to come home with her, I jumped at the chance. They spoke with the Family services people and since they were certified foster parents, I was allowed to leave immediately with them. No family stepped up to claim me, so they were able to adopt me right before my thirteenth birthday, and they have given me enough love to live the rest of my life knowing I was wanted.

  I want to give that to Emily if she will let me. A lifetime of love and devotion to only her.

  It had been two days of Josh and I in the apartment, eating dinner together and getting ready for our day each morning, all with secret smiles on our faces. We had yet to talk about the kiss the other night and it was all I could think about. The feelings of his hard body pressed against mine, his full lips owning mine ran through my mind as we watched TV or just talked and got to know each other.

  He had admitted to me he had slightly changed the truth about his mother and her time in the hospital. After he explained a small amount of his past, I realized he was embarrassed about his biological mother and her problems. He told me the ins and outs in the hospital were from physical abuse and physiological holds and eventually, she lost her battle. I felt as sad for the hard life he must have had, but I never wanted to placate him with the common words you hear when someone speaks of tragedy and personal loss.

  ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I can’t imagine’ seem too little and the looks of pity you receive make you feel like you are somehow defective. With Josh, I never felt that. Early this year, I told Caroline part of my truth. She knew my “accident” wasn’t that at all, even if that’s how I used to refer to it. Josh was there that day and when I felt the tension and shame rising up inside of me, he took me into an embrace and allowed me to purge some of the pain blistering my skin and threatening to burn me from the inside out.

  No one else mentions it, even if I see the looks in their eyes that let me know they are thinking about it and what little they know. Poor Emily. She was kidnapped and attacked and she will always be broken.

  Josh looked at me like I was the most perfect person in the world, and when I looked back at him I believed he actually felt that way. He looked past the broken pieces and saw the real me. The person who wants to experience life and all that it has to offer. The person who is afraid of the intimacy a relationship brings. The person who just wants to forget that awful day and all the pain that was associated with it. The person who doesn’t want to be angry anymore.

  Andrew called me this morning and let me know that Caroline and Maddie, along with both babies, were being discharged and were coming home. I made sure the apartment was cleaned up and ready for the new family to arrive. I spent the morning going through real estate websites and had scoured the bulletin boards on campus recently to see who may need a roommate. I wanted to have some options to present to them when I told them I was moving out. The thought of living with strangers scared me to death, but the thought of living alone caused me to lose sleep at night.

  I hadn’t been alone at night since well before the attack and Dr. Lee had warned me it may cause my anxiety and fear to increase. He had recently found me a doctor here in Atlanta, and I was slowly starting to open up to her. I saw Dr. Sawyer twice a week for an hour each visit and she was a specialist in rape survivors.

  Rape. I had to keep saying the word in my head as to not lessen what I had endured. Dr. Sawyer had finally gotten me to understand that by calling in an accident, I was signaling my brain that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was someone’s fault and he was serving 12-15 in the Georgia State Correctional System.

  Shaking the negative thoughts away and focusing on finding a new apartment, I was looking over a cute one-bedroom guest house for rent not too far from campus, when I heard the keys in the front lock and the sounds of Andrew and Caroline coming in with baby Lillian. I jumped up from the dining room table and made my way into the living room as they began to unstrap her from her car seat and Caroline sat down in the rocking chair to hold her.

  I walked over and gently stroked her soft, downy hair and Caroline pulled a blanket over her as she settled with a content sign.

  “How was the drive from the hospital?” I asked her as Andrew was flittering around the apartment.

  “Your brother refused to drive on the interstate. We could have been home in fifteen minutes but with him taking the surface streets through the city, it took almost forty minutes to get here. He drove like a grandma.” A laugh was evident in her voice.

  Andrew’s head appeared from around the kitchen doorway, “I didn’t want my two girls on that crazy road on a Friday morning. The traffic is insane and people don’t know how to drive.” He disappeared back into the kitchen, and the sounds of him shuffling around could be heard.

  I laughed at his serious tone and looked at Caroline as she gazed down on Lillian. “You did good, Mom.” I told her with a smile on my face.

  A simple ‘thank you’ was all she replied as she looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. I was so happy my brother and his true love had found their way back to each other. Since the day we moved away, I blamed myself for my brothers’ constant grouchy attitude.

  No matter what he said, I knew it was because of my attack that he broke up with Caroline and followed my parents and me to New Orleans. Fate had brought Caroline and Josh to our little gym and now she was holding the evidence of their love in her arms.

  I would have told her all those years ago if I knew it would bring them back together. My shame over what happened couldn’t measure up to the need they had for each other. I meant what I told Andrew all those months ago:

  “Sometimes people need to bear their greatest humiliation in order to help another heal.”

  Once I told Caroline and Josh a little bit of what happened, I felt better. When Josh not only didn’t run but wanted to get to know me better, I realized he may be one of the rare gentlemen left today. From his outward appearance, all you s
ee are muscles and tattoos. From getting to know him, and from what Caroline and Maddie have told me, Josh is one of the most empathetic people I’ve ever met and his ability to bring calm and tranquility to a person is second to none.

  “Hey, Emily? Can you come here for a minute and explain this to me, please?” I heard Andrew ask from the dining room, and I realized in my haste to greet them I forgot to close my laptop. The real estate ad for the one-bedroom was still pulled up and Andrew was looking at it with a scowl on his face.

  I didn’t want to argue with him, especially on the day he brings his new daughter home, but I wasn’t backing down on my decision to move out and give the new family the space they deserved. Caroline gave me a quizzical look as I made my way into the dining room.

  I smiled my usual fake smile, shook my head, and made my way to the seat next to Andrew who was scrolling through the ad. I could feel the tension emanating from him, and I needed him to calm down before he upset Caroline and the baby.

  In a low, gruff tone, without taking his eyes off of the screen asked, “What is this? I thought we decided you weren’t moving out.”

  “No, Andrew. You decided that for me without listening to what I wanted. You three need the space, and I need to adapt to the changes that life gives us. Lillian needs her own room and you need to live your life without constantly worrying about me. I promise I’ll be okay.” I reasoned with him. “Look, this place is within my price range, is close to campus, and fully furnished. All I need to do is move my bed and dresser and I can get out of your hair.”

  He looked at me with unshed tears in his eyes, and I felt the familiar urge to change my mind to make him happy. I had to stand firm on my decision to give them space and not be swayed by the overwhelming need I had to have someone close to me. I had to learn to depend on myself.

  “I don’t…” he cleared his throat and started again, “I don’t want you to move. I know how much you love it here and I want you to stay. Please.”

  “Andrew, you need to tell her what you really mean by that.” Neither one of us realized Caroline had been standing there listening to the conversation we were having.

  “Andrew?” I looked at him with confusion evident on my face, “What do you really mean?”

  Blowing out a breath he stood up and motioned for us to go to the living room so we could be closer to Lillian as she slept in her bassinet.

  “I know how much you love this apartment and with the security system that this place has, I like this as the best option for you to live.”

  I tried to interrupt him but he held his hand up, a silent request to let him finish his thought, so I refrained from comment and continued to listen to his explanation.

  “I actually agree with you that this place isn’t big enough for all of us and Caroline and I wanted to talk to you about what we see as our next step. I asked Josh to let us talk to you about it and work out all the details, but this is what I see as the best solution to the problem we have gotten in to. You want to give us space, we don’t want you to feel like you are a burden, and this place isn’t going to work for too long with a baby. Josh put his house on the market and we made an offer to buy it. You are welcome to move with us and there is plenty of room. Caroline and Maddie have discussed it and they want to give you the apartment if you want to stay here, so you have a place that is close to school and a home you thrive in. Knowing you are locked in tight and safe at night makes me happy as well.” Andrew reasoned with me.

  “Why did you ask Josh not to talk to me about it? I don’t understand!” I was angry that I had spent the last two days with Josh, talking to him about looking for a place, getting to know him, and he knew he was selling his house to them the whole time.

  Caroline picked up the explanation, “Josh had an idea and no one is sure how you would feel about it. If you don’t think it will work, there is another idea he had. He just wanted to give us the time to talk to you so you could make the best decision for you. He will be happy with whatever is decided, but please listen to the options before you make any snap judgments. Okay?” she asked.

  I nodded my head but remained quiet. I was still pretty mad at everyone for trying to make plans for me, but I also had to remember that they were trying to keep my stress and anxiety at a manageable level, so them having discussed it made sense. I forced my posture to a more relaxed position and released the pent-up breath of frustration that was lingering.

  “Josh will be traveling a few days a month for the launch of the next phase of growth. He could afford to buy an apartment in this building, two floors below so he would be close to you if you needed someone. My thought was, why not let him take the room we sleep in now. He will be traveling and Jake would be here to keep you company. You would have the safety of this apartment and you would be able to save money since the place would be in your name. If you don’t think you would be comfortable with him living here as a roommate,” a small, sly smirk playing across her face before she schooled her features and continued, “then he will buy in the building and you can have the place to yourself. It’s your choice or, you could always move outside the perimeter with us.”

  “Let me see if I am following you guys. Josh sold you his house and y’all are moving outside the perimeter. That I understand. He has a great yard for Lillian to be able to play in, and the house is big enough for more kids in the future. You are giving me the apartment, and I have the choice of moving with you guys, staying here alone, or having Josh as a roommate. Is that about right?” I hoped by reciting the facts I would keep my nervousness from showing.

  “That sums it up pretty well. I think that’s why he stayed here the last few days. It was a test run to see if you could stay in the same space without killing each other. I don’t want you to think anyone will be mad if you choose to live alone, but he said he is buying in the building, no matter what. It’s close to his office and the gym that we just opened downtown isn’t too far away. I like the thought of knowing that he’s here if you need anything. Jake is a great dog to have around when Josh is traveling, too. I trust Josh with you, Emily. I know he would never hurt you.”

  “Andrew is right, Emily. Josh is one of the greatest guys I have ever met, and having him as a roommate would be a good thing. He’ll be in and out so you’d have privacy, he is generous to a fault. With him, I know you’ll be safe. Plus, I agree with Andrew. You get Jake and that right there is enough for me to agree, because I’m a sucker for that big, dumb dog.” Caroline laughed as she got up from next to Andrew to check on Lillian who was make little grunting sounds from her bassinet.

  “Can I think about it for a few days or do you need to know right now?” I needed the time to act like I didn’t already know my decision. I had to play it cool or Andrew might get the wrong idea and think I am only doing this because of my crush on Josh.

  “Please. Think about it, talk to Josh, call Maddie. Whatever you need to do to make the best decision for you. No matter what you decide, we will support you. I just want you happy, Emily. I want to see you soar and somehow, I think this is the first step in finding your future.” Andrew came over and gave me a hug.

  As I looked over my big brother’s shoulder, my sister-in-law gave me a smile and a wink, knowing what my decision was going to be before I needed one second to decide.

  Josh was going to be my new roommate and I couldn’t wait!

  I sent a text to Josh and asked him to meet me at the pizza place a few blocks from the apartment when he got off work. I wanted to talk to him in a neutral location without fear of outside influence. I also knew that meeting him in public would be better for my raging libido than he and I being alone somewhere. I didn’t fully understand why the proximity of Josh got my heart racing and made me have thoughts that are natural, sure, but completely foreign to me.

  He told me what time to meet him, and I left in plenty of time to be able to walk over and window shop along the way. I loved the part of downtown Atlanta I lived in. There were restaura
nts, coffee houses, bars with live music, cute shops, and eclectic stores that lined the streets, most with apartments above them. The traffic can be brutal at times with the smaller roads and event centers lining Centennial Park nearby. Being able to sit on our balcony and enjoy the outdoor concerts is one of the most memorable things about my new home.

  My home.

  I can’t believe that they are giving it to me but I am grateful that I will be able to stay in the building. The security features that Jason added earlier this year for Caroline gave me a sense of safety that I haven’t felt in quite a while. I allowed my thoughts to wander to what it might be like living with Josh as I strolled from one shop to another.

  Would he expect me to be a full-time girlfriend or does he even want to be with me like that? Will we cuddle on the couch or spend time alone in our rooms? Will he understand when I am lost in my head or will he grow tired of trying to have a normal relationship?

  Before I knew it, I was at Giovani’s Pizza House and as I made my way inside, I saw Josh sitting at the table in the corner, a smile on his face when he saw me walk through the door. He stood to greet me when I approached the table and I leaned in for a hug, hoping I wasn’t overstepping any bounds.

  His strong arms engulfed me in a hug and I didn’t want to move from the embrace but I willed myself to pull back. Josh pulled my chair out and helped me get seated before he took the chair directly next to me and pulled himself up to the table.

  Hoping to get the living stuff out of the way before I asked him about the kiss, I started to speak, when the waitress dropped off the beverages he had ordered and took our dinner orders.

  I looked at him after she was gone and before I could get the words out of my head, Josh leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss, pulling back with a smile. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.”

  My smile shone on my face as I reached over and laced my fingers with his. “Me too.” I looked at him and felt the affection coming off of him. It almost felt like love. He looked at me the way Uncle Joe looks at Aunt Lisa and Andrew looks at Caroline. I definitely needed to get my feelings under control so we could discuss everything.