I should just pack my shit, email Ursula my resignation for both jobs, and go home.
Home. Where I’d be stuck in the house with no car, no money, no job, and no escape, back in the nightmare landscape of my childhood under Jana’s thumb. The short time I’d spent with my family over Christmas break had been endless.
These candidates needed to spend some time with my mother if they thought they had it bad.
The dorm was empty. The candidates weren’t back from their afternoon class on the academic quad yet. The silence was deafening. Beneath it, I thought I could hear echoes of the laughter of long departed students.
Ridiculous. This residence hall wasn’t that old. Most of its former students were alive and well.
I was so sad and lonely I would have welcomed a ghost to keep me company.
I unlocked the door to my room and kicked it shut behind me. It made a satisfying bang. Alone, I burst into tears and threw myself onto my bed like a child.
I heard the candidates returning a few minutes later. The Abdallas were chattering away in their native tongue. I knew it was only a matter of time before Will blew up over that.
I wouldn’t be surprised to discover this was some fucked up experiment to see how far we’d go to torture the candidates.
Dinner was a stilted affair. The Abdallas ate their tacos and canned corn in sullen silence. Ariana didn’t bother showing up. No explanation was made for her absence. Perhaps she’d been too humiliated by Will’s refusal of her lunch invitation to show her face.
Moose never raised his eyes from the screen of his phone. Will shoveled food in his mouth, grunting in response to my efforts to make conversation.
Everyone was in a terrible mood. Will cornered Moose and I after dinner. “Listen, I’m tired of having to do all the heavy lifting around here. I need the two of you to step up. Speaking of which, where the hell is Ariana and Lucinda?”
“Lucinda resigned,” I said. “Dr. Reiter told me.”
“What the fuck?” Will exploded. “She never said anything to us!”
“She got offered a job that paid more,” I explained. “I don’t know where Ariana is, maybe she’s not feeling well.”
“They were both useless anyway,” Will said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “As I was saying, I’m burning out, and it’s only the second day. You guys need to help me out more. Tonight, for instance, I just want to relax in my room and recharge.”
He should have recharged his batteries that afternoon. I’d worked all afternoon, caring for Helmut, but I guess it wasn’t important for me to have time to myself.
“I’ll put on a movie,” I said. There were bins of VHS cassettes and DVD’s in the Resident Assistant staff office, forgotten relics of an era departed. “I’ll pick out one that has a historical basis.” I’d spied Pearl Harbor among the selections. That would be perfect.
Moose apparently thought the “me time” extended to him as well, because I was the only one who watched the movie with the candidates. The Abdallas sat stiffly in a row on the couch directly in front of the screen, as if they were in a movie theater. Roman did push-ups, sit-ups, burpees, and a variety of other exercises in the corner of the lounge. Maria sat with her arms around Eduardo.
After the movie, I collapsed into bed exhausted, listening for the sound of Will’s knock. I fell asleep waiting, waking abruptly at three in the morning. Every light in my room was ablaze, and I had a horrible taste in my mouth from not brushing my teeth. Had I missed the knock? No. He didn’t come.
Well, he said he needed a night to himself. It wasn’t like he just blew me off. We didn’t have any plans.
It still didn’t feel right. Just like when he’d gone to lunch without inviting me yesterday, it seemed to be a message.
I was being paranoid and much too sensitive.
I woke out of sorts the next morning. Lying awake for hours in the middle of the night did not make for restful sleep. As I pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, I realized with a sinking heart that it was only Wednesday. This was the longest week of my life.
As I waited in the lounge for the candidates, I looked at my old texts. Will texted me over a hundred times when we first met a week and a half ago. But he hadn’t texted a single time since we had sex.
Why would he? He got what he wanted.
I shook off the negative thoughts. I had to stop assuming the worst of everyone. My expectations were too high. I needed to relax.
“No one else is here yet?” Will asked.
Good morning to you, too.
I shrugged. What did it look like?
“Where the hell are Ariana and Moose?”
I had a sneaking suspicion if I shrugged again or said I didn’t know, he’d go off on me. Will was a powder keg. I said nothing.
He huffed in exasperation and stormed out of the room. I could hear him banging on doors. “Let’s go!” he shouted.
Wouldn’t it be great if the candidates were all gone? I smiled at the thought, but it faded when I realized that would be very bad. We might all end up in jail if that happened.
But they were present and accounted for, looking cranky and sleep deprived. Everyone was irritable this morning. Was there something in the air?
Will glanced at his watch. “We can’t wait around for Ariana and Moose anymore, they’re going to have to catch up,” he said. “Quick, march! Left, right, left right!”
He was in fine form this morning. He seemed manic. He led the line of candidates like the grand marshal of a parade. I trailed behind like a duckling following its mother.
Outside, the sun shone unnaturally bright. I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the glare, wishing I had my sunglasses. Despite Will’s prodding, the candidates dragged their feet. I felt the initial stirrings of a headache.
I smelled bacon as soon as Will pumped the door open. Oh no. I had a feeling Will wouldn’t allow the Abdallas to get away with eating cereal. Even though plenty of people didn’t eat bacon for health reasons, and there was nothing more all-American than a bowl of cornflakes.
I prayed he’d leave them alone.
Where was Ursula, for God’s sake? She was also conspicuously absent. Panic bubbled up inside of me.
I slipped my phone out of the pocket of my shorts. Where are you I typed.
We’d reached the top of the stairs. Roman, Maria, and Eduardo grabbed trays and joined the traditional breakfast line. Samir Abdulla shot his children a look, and with silent consensus they bypassed the line and headed for the cereal.
“Uh-uh,” Will said. “Get back here. This is America. Welcome to our country. Real Americans eat bacon. We eat hot dogs. We eat ham sandwiches. You can eat bacon too and be one of us, or you can return to your desert hellhole.”
Samir picked up a ceramic bowl. “We eat cereal,” he announced with a heavy accent. “Cereal is American food.”
“Are you defying me?” Will shouted.
Maria had been chattering to her son in Spanish. The noise in the dining hall was nowhere near the level it customarily reached during the year, but it wasn’t quiet. Baylor was hosting a band camp and a skating camp in addition to the reeducation program. But when Will shouted, the room fell silent. Everyone was staring. I wanted to melt into the wall.
“Will,” I whispered, “not right now. Not with everyone watching.”
The Abdallas stood together, making their stand. They would eat grilled cheese contaminated by bacon grease, but they drew the line at eating bacon itself.
Will bounded across the room to them in three enormous leaps. “Listen,” he hissed, “you either eat the goddamn bacon or you go home tomorrow.”
Samir Abdalla was a man of dignity. Every morning he dressed in a neatly pressed suit, shoes shined, always clean-shaven. He never smiled, his face frozen in a stern expression. There was a price on his head in Afghanistan. He had escaped to the United States on a temporary visa he’d never renewed.
His dark, sad eyes met Will’s clear blue ones. T
hen he lowered them in defeat. He barked something at his family in their language, and they put down their bowls and reluctantly joined the line.
I felt tears threatening.
I reminded myself that eating bacon wouldn’t kill them.
Will’s behavior should be turning me off, but it wasn’t. I still wanted him. I knew he wasn’t really like this. After all, the criminals were the candidates, not Will. He was one of the good guys.
The good guy had gotten his breakfast but was standing around to make sure each Abdalla got their share of bacon. He held a greasy strip up in front of Samir. “Eat it,” he ordered, shoving it at the man’s mouth.
Samir recoiled, his mouth twisting in disgust, as if being compelled to eat worms.
“Eat it!” Will yelled.
The whole dining hall was watching.
Samir’s long, aristocratic fingers plucked the strip of bacon from Will’s hand. He pushed it in his mouth, closed his eyes, and swallowed it whole.
It was like watching someone take communion.
After that, I had no appetite. At least Will didn’t force me to eat.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ursula
I couldn’t face her. Or them. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I stared at the ceiling, naked in my huge empty bed, eyes stinging with the salt of unshed tears. I could hear my father roaming around the house. Ordinarily, I’d get up and make sure he ate a decent breakfast. Eggs, cereal, oatmeal, fruit, bacon. However, he was more than capable of feeding himself, even though he didn’t cook. His nutritional choices were sketchy, like a child let loose in the pantry.
I grabbed my phone and texted Dr. Heinrich. I am horribly sick. It must have been something I ate. I will text Will and tell him to call you if there’s an emergency.
Will. I hated to be communicating to the group through Will. I was giving him credibility. But I had no choice. The situation with Maggie was precarious, Lucinda was gone, I didn’t trust Ariana and Moose was not interested. That left Will. At least he got things done.
I was dozing when my phone vibrated with Maggie’s text. Will didn’t tell her I was sick. I wasn’t surprised. Control freaks like to hoard information. It added to their power.
I couldn’t get back to sleep. Finally, I rose, wrapping myself in a silk kimono.
“And here I thought you were dead to the world,” Papa said as I passed his sitting room. “What is this, are you ill?”
“I’m fine, Papa, I just need a day off,” I called. I didn’t want to worry him. He lived in terror of something happening to me.
I needed my fix. I opened my laptop and tapped the mouse impatiently until it booted up.
The image of Will dangling a strip of bacon in front of Mr. Abdalla filled the screen. I shut my eyes, willing what I’d just seen away. His face reminded me of photographs of Jews being taunted by the Nazis, having their earlocks shorn or being forced to shovel snow. All of them, even the trio of women I’d once seen herded together in a stage of undress to have their picture taken before their deaths, had that same look. That same quiet dignity. Their one gesture of defiance in the face of evil, an expression that said, “You can do whatever you want to my body, but you cannot touch my soul.”
Are we there yet? Do you have enough research?
I zoomed in on Maggie. She was standing a short distance away, staring vacantly, as if she’d checked out of the scene altogether. She was neither assisting Will, nor stopping him. She was complicit.
She’d told the truth when she wrote the essay at the beginning of my course, when she said she would have been one of the many people who’d done nothing during the Holocaust. Who just let it happen, since it didn’t affect them. Who didn’t speak up while evil flourished in their midst.
What did I expect? I was a psychologist. I’d always known that most people would do nothing. Everyone liked to believe they’d be a hero, but the truth was, very few people had the courage.
I couldn’t watch anymore.
I had worshipped Maggie, placed her on a pedestal. Our angel. I’d imagined the girl was a gift, a reward for our suffering, someone special. She wasn’t. She was just an ordinary woman. She’d proved it by going for the handsome frat boy the first chance she got, chasing the mundane. She’d traded the eccentric professor for the Nazi.
I left the room and went to my father, watching some mindless television program. Canned laughter emanated from the glowing screen. I sat down next to him.
He turned to me. “Is Angela coming today?”
He asked for Maggie every single day since the program started. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. He somehow sensed Maggie’s days were numbered. What was I going to do if she refused to come back? Tell my father I’d get him a new angel, like she was a pet?
How could you do this to us? Why didn’t you just stay away from us? We were doing fine before you came.
“I don’t think so, not today, but perhaps tomorrow, my dear Papa.” I kissed him on the forehead.
“She’s leaving,” he said. “I feel it in my bones.”
I patted his arm. “Everyone leaves.”
Maggie
After the bacon debacle, the morning was uneventful. Moose shambled in late. “Overslept,” was his one-word explanation. He curled up on a loveseat to text, while Will put the candidates through their paces, making them recite the Pledge of Allegiance over and over.
I shut it all out, instead re-reading all Ursula’s old texts. I never deleted them.
Ariana didn’t show up. Neither did Ursula. If Will knew what became of them, he wasn’t saying.
I refused to watch Will, didn’t make eye contact with anyone, just existed. It was easy to just exist, to act like I didn’t see anything. You just looked directly in front of you, and you never allowed your eyes to meet anyone else’s, because the look of fear and terror might penetrate your shell, and then it would hurt to turn away.
I don’t want to do this anymore. It was a litany, repeating itself in my head. I don’t want to do this anymore, anymore, anymore!
The day lagged. I didn’t pay attention to Will or the candidates, just stared at my phone like Moose. During the exercise period, I walked the track with Parisa and Sahar. They were still garbed in their robes and sandals. They whispered together in their own language, shooting me occasional looks filled with fear. They were probably plotting to kill me. I couldn’t blame them.
I had no plans to get lunch with Will in Ariana’s absence. That ship had sailed. He’d gotten what he wanted.
But he surprised me. He must have sensed the shift in my attitude.
“Oh, let’s not eat here,” he urged, when he saw me pick up a tray in the Union. “Let’s go into town.”
I put the tray back, smiling faintly. I didn’t understand the rules of the game he was playing. Not at all.
The entire Abdallah family ordered tuna fish sandwiches. Did they discuss what they’d eat beforehand? I was onto their strategy. There was unlikely to be cross contamination between the vat of tuna fish and the ham and bacon. Fortunately, either Will didn’t notice their deflection, or he couldn’t think of a way to foil it. He couldn’t deny that tuna fish sandwiches were American. They were a staple of every kid’s diet.
“Do you have to go to Dr. Reiter’s house today?” Will asked, as we headed downtown. Although it had dawned hot and humid, the temperature suddenly dropped, making it unseasonably cold for June. A wind had spring up, making it feel more like April than summer. I shivered, wishing I’d brought a sweater. Goddamn Baylor weather.
“I’m not going today,” I said.
“Kind of figured, since she’s sick,” he said.
“Ursula is sick?”
He grinned at me. “First name basis, huh?”
I rolled my eyes. “I work in her house,” I said. “Damn, it’s gotten cold all of a sudden!”
“Good sleeping weather,” Will said. “It’s been so hot in the dorms without AC. Goddamn. So backward in this day and age
.”
“So, Dr. Reiter,” I said. “How sick is she?”
Will glanced at me, his expression unreadable. Was I giving everything away? He’d been inside me, but I didn’t trust him. Not at all. If he knew about my relationship with Ursula, he could use that information. For what, I didn’t know. But it would be a very bad thing if he found out. I could feel it in my bones.
And yet, I still liked him. What was wrong with me?
“Something she ate,” he said, making a farting noise. I made a face, but said nothing.
We went to Subway. I would have preferred any of the other restaurants lining the block. It was ridiculous to walk all the way downtown just to go to a place that served food comparable to the Union. But I said nothing as we got into line to order.
He made no move to pay for me. I pulled out my wallet, suppressing a sigh.
“So, what are we?” I asked when we sat down. I knew this was a bad question, but I was beyond caring. I wanted the games to end. I needed to know where we stood.
“Wow. Okay.” He took a deep breath. “We’re having one of those discussions.”
I picked at my ragged cuticles. “Well, I need to know,” I said.
“Okay. Listen. I just ended a relationship that was heading towards marriage three months ago. I’m just looking for a little fun right now.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “You’re graduating in a year, so you’re not looking for anything serious either, are you?”
“No,” I mumbled through numb lips.
What a fool I was. Ursula and I had been happy together, and I’d thrown it all away for a handsome man, a ten in looks, a zero in personality. But a man I could bring home to my horror of a family to prove to Jana I could do something right.
I shoved my tray away.
Will stared at my uneaten sandwich. “Don’t do that,” he pleaded. “Don’t ruin everything. We’re having a good time, a couple of college kids enjoying the hell out of each other. Don’t turn this into something bad. Relationships suck. Trust me, I know.”
“Did you sleep with Ariana?” I asked. The words just slipped out.
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