by Jamie Beck
His clipped New England accent serves as a reminder that I’m not from their world. I want him to leave, and selfishly, I don’t care what I have to do to make that happen.
“She’s here. Just getting out of the shower.” I smile, pretending I have no idea who he is. “May I tell her who’s callin’?”
Rob’s eyes focus on my wet hair and bare chest. I’m supremely pleased to make my relationship with Lindsey obvious.
“Rob Whitmore.” He waits for me to recognize his name.
“Huh. The ex from New York?” I tip my chin up. “She didn’t mention expecting you.” I’m still blocking his entrance.
Through gritted teeth, he utters, “It’s a surprise visit.”
“Indeed it is.” I step back and wave him into her house. “Come on in. I’ll get her for you.” Now I know she didn’t ask him to come, which improves my mood considerably. “Take a seat.” I motion toward the sofa before trotting upstairs.
Lindsey is putting her hair in a ponytail. “Was it a delivery or something?”
“Or something.” I stare at her, waiting for her full attention so I can read her facial expression when I tell her about Rob. “Rob’s here . . . with more damned flowers.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
Lindsey’s hands whip up and cover her mouth. Her jaw drops, and her feral eyes dart around the room. Not the response I wanted. Her eyes glisten as she holds her stomach and bends over.
“You answered the door . . . like that?” She gapes at my lack of clothing.
“Yes.” I scowl. Her guilt and remorse shred my heart. “What’s the problem, Lindsey?”
“This is not good.” She’s shaking and talking to herself. “This isn’t the way . . . This is messed up. . . .”
“Messed up?” The edge in my voice catches her attention.
“Levi, I’m sorry. I—I should talk to him. Alone.”
“You’re asking me to leave?” I glower. “Why’s he even here, Lindsey? I thought you and he had ended things.” I choke back my anger, because I suspect he’s listening to us.
“It’s not that easy, Levi. Yes, technically, we’re not together. But there are a lot of things still unsaid. I haven’t seen him in months and this is not the way I’d have preferred he learn about you.”
“What’re you gonna tell him?” I grab my shirt. I need to leave before I do or say something I can’t take back.
“I’m not sure.” Lindsey stops fidgeting and looks at me expectantly. “What do you want me to do?”
Jesus. Really? She’s asking me to tell her what to do? Now I’m furious.
“Christ, Lindsey, it’s your damn life. I don’t want you to do anything because of me, that’s for sure.” I grab my shoes, but stomp down her steps in my bare feet.
Rob waits near the bottom of the stairs with a grin on his face. He’s gloating. I compose myself, unwilling to cede more of the upper hand to him.
“She’ll be down in a minute. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you two alone to talk.” I start toward the door, then he speaks.
“How was Atlanta?” His arrogant tone slices through me.
Caught off guard by his remark, I can’t summon a snappy retort.
“None of your business.” My icy tone doesn’t deter him.
“Helene mentioned your circumstances to me. She expressed concerns about what might develop between you and Lindsey. I hope you didn’t get too attached. I’m not slinking away without a fight, and I don’t usually lose.”
I’m ready to pop the cocky son of a bitch in the face, but Lindsey appears.
“Hi, Rob.” She’s pale and upset. “I’m surprised to see you.”
He turns his attention to her and then glances back at me. I stare at Lindsey, but she makes no overture to me, so I back away and go home.
Lindsey
I can’t think. I’m torn in two. I didn’t want to hurt Levi or Rob yet managed to level both of them. As Levi left, his walls came slamming down around him, like heavy metal doors. What have I done?
Before I collect my thoughts, Rob hands me a bouquet of roses. The look in his eyes indicates he’s here on a mission.
“When I brought these for you, I didn’t expect to find you in a compromising position with another man.” He’s too calm. “Lindsey, did you sleep with him to strike back at me because of Ava?”
Oh, he’s made it all about him. Is it so inconceivable I might simply prefer someone else? Perhaps I have moved on. I deposit the flowers on the table without care.
Time to seize control of the conversation. “Rob, why are you here? Without invitation or warning, I might add.”
He places his hands on my shoulders. “I received your thank-you note. Seeing the picture of you with the flowers I sent made me miss you more. Then I ran into your mother, who told me about your growing infatuation with your neighbor. I assume he’s the guy who just ducked out of here. Anyway, desperate measures were required to bring you back where you belong.”
“Where I belong? Or where you and my mother think I belong?”
“Let’s talk, Lindsey.” Rob sighs. “We’re on even footing now. I slept with Ava; you’ve dallied with your surfer. I admit it hurts like hell to see you with another man. You’ve got my attention.”
He doesn’t look nearly as ruffled as he proclaims. The strain of the situation weakens my knees, so I pull out a dining chair and sit.
“Contrary to your assumptions, what’s happened with Levi has nothing to do with revenge. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all.”
“Lindsey, don’t kid yourself.” Rob sits beside me and jerks my chair around to face him. “You wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my stupidity. Maybe you didn’t intentionally hook up with him to hurt me, but you turned to him because he’s my opposite.”
His sympathetic expression seems phony to me, but he continues. “I hurt you, then you removed yourself from everything, and everyone, that reminded you of me, of us, of our life. Even you must admit you don’t really expect a happily ever after on the beach with a drifter. You sought to investigate the road not taken, and now you have. But eventually you’ve got to consider the future you really want.”
“Rob, I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re mistaken if you think this is all about you.” My eyes search his. “It’s about me. I tried telling you weeks ago, but you mocked me for ‘finding myself.’ ” Do I want affirmation, denial, hate, or love from him? I’m ambivalent.
“You’re right, I did mock you.” Slouching back into the chair, he sighs. “I’ve been unhappy since you left. Every time I felt you pull further away, it upset me. I haven’t handled this well. I should have chased you down as soon as you left, but I believed you’d be back. Not because I deserved it, but because we have an amazing future waiting for us. How can you turn your back on it?”
I wish I shared his confidence about the future, or us. “You don’t believe me, but I’ve changed. I’m not the same girl anymore. I want to forge my own path. Maybe the new me no longer fits with the old us.”
“I’ve never stood in your way before, so why do you think I’d do so now? I don’t care what you want to do, as long as you’re with me when you do it.” He takes my hands in his and stares at me. “You’ll never not fit in my life.”
His grip tightens. “You think you’d have a better life here, with him? Has he made you any promises, or is he just enjoying the moment? I’m here, despite it all, fighting for you. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
I don’t want you to do anything because of me, that’s for sure. Rob’s right—Levi hasn’t told me how he feels about me. But the past intensely passionate thirty-six hours could not be an illusion. It means something, even if Levi left here without any promises. Knowing him, he did it to force me to draw my own conclusions.
“It counts for something, Rob.” I blink back shameful, nervous tears. “But doesn’t it matter to you that I’ve started a relationship with another man?”
Rob’s han
ds break away from mine to ball into tight fists.
“You know it matters,” he barks. “I hate it. I can’t stomach it, in fact. But I’ll put it behind us if you’ll come back with me, now. I won’t share you. You need to decide where you want to be.”
Despite his loving words and affirmations, I feel bullied. Rob’s played this well, and treated me with respect, yet it feels hollow and showy. Deep in my soul, I’m unable to shake my distrust.
“I’m not sure you really love me.” I avoid looking in his eyes, all the while knowing somewhere inside I don’t really love him anymore, at least not enough to commit my life to him.
“You keep saying things like that, but I’m here begging for another chance. Why would I be here if I didn’t love you?”
“To win.” As soon as I say the words, it makes perfect sense.
“Win?”
“Win me back, away from Levi or LA. You thrive on challenge. Winning me back, after your betrayal and my move, well that’s a seductive victory. But how long until another secret fling comes along?”
“You don’t get to pull the guilt card again, Lindsey. Now I can say the same thing to you. You jumped into someone else’s bed, so don’t play high-and-mighty.”
“I didn’t cheat while we were engaged. We broke up months ago. And unlike you, I didn’t go to bed with someone I don’t care about.”
“Him? You care about him? Come on. You enjoy pushing your mother’s buttons.” His tempestuous eyes betray his contained rage. “Helene saw it, but I’d have never believed you’d be so gullible. You can’t care about him.”
“I’m not gullible. I do care about Levi. A lot. I won’t pretend my feelings aren’t real simply because you and my mother don’t like or understand them. Maybe I don’t completely understand them yet, either, but it doesn’t diminish their significance. Please don’t force me to hurt you by pushing me to say more.”
“You don’t love me anymore?” He looks humbled.
My throat aches. “I suspect I’ll always love you in some ways, Rob, in spite of everything. I’ll always want good things for you.” I gulp. “But I don’t see the same future for myself that I once did. I’m sorry, Rob. Marrying you now isn’t what I want, and it may never be. I don’t expect you to wait for me.”
I’m shocked to hear the words leave my mouth, but the instant they do, a weight lifts. “I think we should say good-bye.”
Rob’s face clouds over. He turns to me, repulsed. “You’re a piece of work, Lindsey—a cold, punishing piece of work. So, this is for the best, then, because God forbid I be tied to an unforgiving bitch for the rest of my life.”
He’s lashing out because he’s in pain, but it stings.
“I’m sorry you see me that way.” A tear falls down my cheek. “I never set out to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry I ended things with Ava when you left. That’s my second-biggest mistake, the first being chasing after you.”
His words leave me cold. I’d always suspected more went on between him and her. His comment confirms my suspicion. Now I’m equally revolted.
“Then you’d better hurry and catch the next flight back to New York.” I grab the roses on the table—his predictable gesture—and hand him the bouquet. “Under the circumstances, perhaps you should take these to Ava.”
He snatches them from me and stalks toward the door. Just before leaving, he turns and snarls. “When things fall apart with your neighbor, don’t come crawling back to me. If I never see you again, it will be too soon.”
A picture in the hallway rattles against the wall when he slams the door closed behind him. A loud screech tears apart the air as Rob’s car peels out of my driveway.
Sinking to the floor, I cry over all of the pain we’ve caused each other. I was naive to believe we could end things as friends. Despite his abominable behavior, I don’t hate him. I loved him. A tidal wave of nostalgia causes me to erupt into sobs over lost years and lost love.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Levi
I’m going to lose her. Goddamn it, she’s going to forgive that dishonest ass. When she discovered he’d arrived, her shame over being with me thrust a dagger in my chest. I’m disgusted by my own foolishness.
I march over to the closet, take the box of ashes off the shelf, and then set it on the kitchen counter. I place my hands on either side of the box and just stare. Somewhere in the great beyond Pop’s shaking his head. I can almost hear his big ol’ “I told you, son” echo through the house.
My fingers grip the box more tightly. What have I been thinking these past months? How’d I convince myself I could handle this? I’ve never acted like such a moron as I have this summer. Lindsey enticed me with her “friendship” and promises of the benefits of baring your soul. Jesus, she sure played me.
It ends now.
I refuse to sulk around my house or run off and hide for another week. I’m gonna treat today as I would have treated any fine Saturday afternoon in August before I met her.
Before Lindsey. Is this how I’ll think of my life now, in terms of before and after Lindsey, like she’s the second coming or something? Good Lord.
I should be riding my bike up the coast. The doc gave me the green light to drive, but we never discussed my bike.
On my way to my garage, I put Pop back in the closet, then I admire the new Ducati I had delivered last week. The shiny red-and-black beauty beckons me to touch her. I sit on her for the first time, to get a feel for the equipment. Feels pretty good.
Subconsciously, my hands rub my lower back. I consider whether or not I can endure the ride. Probably not advisable, but I’m sick of listening to everyone’s advice. I’m done being a patient—a victim.
I’m about to strap on my helmet, then I pause. Despite the mixed emotions raging within me, I never want to end up in the hospital again. Doc’s warnings about the danger of pushing before the fusion takes whisper in my ear. He said it’d be a minimum of four months . . . possibly a year. In either case, it’s too soon to ride the bike. Goddamn it! Everywhere I turn, I’m facing a wall.
I return the helmet to the shelf and get into my Jeep. The roof’s already removed, so it’s ready to roll without any effort on my part. I’ll still enjoy a drive up the coast, even if not on my new bike. When I pull out of the garage, I notice the rental car still in Lindsey’s driveway. Are they talking or doing something else? Just the thought of her with him makes me see red. Without looking back, I pull onto the highway.
An hour later, I arrive in Santa Barbara and stop for lunch at Brophy Brothers to enjoy the clam chowder. The gorgeous day acts as a Band-Aid on my wounds, but the cut underneath’s still sore as hell. Normally the activity of the marina stimulates me. Today I notice couples and families—normal folks who have someone in their life who gives a damn. I’d always considered them suckers. Now I just feel jealous.
After lunch, I detour to Santa Ynez to stop in at Kalyra Winery. It’s a fun, casual place to sample wines and talk to strangers. It enjoyed a boost in popularity after being featured in the movie Sideways. Fortunately, today it’s hosting a blues and BBQ event, so it’s my lucky day. Promising to limit myself to the equivalent of two glasses of wine, I take a seat and enjoy the music.
Within ten minutes, I notice two young women vying for my attention. On the heels of Lindsey’s rejection this morning, my ego appreciates the flattery. Hell, I need it. I smile openly, signaling a willingness to receive their company. Ronnie, the redhead, is a stunning woman, while her brunette friend Callie is simply cute. Within a few minutes, Ronnie’s vanity becomes tiresome, though I find Callie’s shy flirtation to be sweet.
Turns out they’re from Vegas, so we discuss our experiences in that delinquent magnet. I haven’t been there since my pop died in May. I can hardly believe all that’s happened to me since.
Before Lindsey mattered to me, this day would have satisfied all my pleasure-seeking needs. Basking outdoors, enjoying good food and drink, romantic intrigue.
&nbs
p; Sadly, now it’s leaving me empty. My thoughts slip once more to Lindsey, and how her company would’ve enhanced the entire day.
“Where’d you go?” Ronnie asks.
Her voice yanks me back to the winery. She’s leaning against me, brushing her breast against my arm. I’m so disinterested that the closeness of her body merely inspires annoyance. I turn to Callie. She has gentle eyes, like Lindsey’s. I surprise myself with the question that tumbles from my mouth.
“Have you ever fallen in love?” I sip the wine in my hand.
Her face registers humor and shock. When I stare, awaiting her response, she smiles pensively. “Once, but it didn’t end well,” she admits.
“What happened?” I’m curious now about a subject I’ve never discussed with anyone.
She looks embarrassed, but then shrugs.
“Basically, he dumped me.” She laughs it off, but I read the enduring pang of sorrow behind her eyes.
“Why, if you don’t mind my asking?”
She hesitates before launching into her story.
“He’d come in and out of my life, telling me he loved me, then stating he wasn’t ‘in’ love with me. He’d date someone else, then run back to me, claiming I was the only one who understood him, the only one he could talk with and be himself. Weeks later, he’d take off again. It would have hurt less if the breakup had been clean.”
She sighs and her eyes drift, her mind somewhere far away, before her attention resumes and she flashes a weak smile.
“Did he know how you felt about him?” I ask.
“Oh yeah, he knew.” She smiles. “I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve.”
“Like a fool,” interrupts Ronnie.
Callie rolls her eyes. “At least I don’t suffer from the ‘what ifs.’ ”
“ ‘What ifs’?” I ask.
“What if I had told him I loved him, what if I had tried harder, what if . . .”
What if I had told Lindsey I’m falling in love with her.