by Bea Paige
“The Harmonia is very sacred indeed, but do not forget Gabe, Ether. You know how hard it is for an angel to have such strong feelings, given the darkness we carry within us. That in itself is quite a feat, especially for one as troubled as him,” Tillan says thoughtfully.
“What feelings?” I ask.
She frowns at me as though I am stupid. “Why, love, of course.”
Chapter Nineteen
Gabe loves me?
“Hold on a minute, what are you saying? How can Gabe love me, he doesn’t know me? We’ve barely talked.”
All three of them start communicating at once, but I can’t make any sense of it. Trying to lip-read what Tillan is saying whilst listening to Ether and deciphering Mihr’s chaotic signing is proving impossible with a billion questions running through my head.
“STOP!” I shout, holding my hand up.
“Apologies, Fern…” Tillan starts, only to be interrupted by Mihr, who taps me on the arm and Ether, who starts to speak. I don’t know where to look, or who to concentrate on first. A buzzing sound fills my head, making it even harder to understand any of them.
“You know what. I’m going to ask him directly,” I snap, pointing to the now empty cup on the table. “Tillan, I’ll need more of that drink. I want enough so that I can talk with Gabe alone without feeling like I am about to throw up a kidney.”
Ether’s spine snaps straight. “No way. It’s too risky. I forbid it.”
“You can’t forbid me to do anything, Ether. I need answers.”
“No. I shall tell you what you want to know.”
“Gabe has a right to tell me and I have the right to decide what I should or shouldn’t do. I’m a grown woman.”
“It’s not going to happen,” he growls. Part of me wants to tell him to back the hell off, the other half is kind of turned on by his protectiveness. I think I’ve spent far too long without male interest and it’s making me a little cuckoo with these men. Angels, even.
Mihr moves to stand in front of me, blocking my view of Tillan and Ether. “This isn’t a good idea, Fern. You don’t know what you’re dealing with” he signs, even though it’s painful for him to do so.
“Mihr, I deserve an explanation from Gabe about why he marked me if he claims to love me so, and he deserves the opportunity to tell me himself. I must do this, please understand.”
“But he could kill you. What kind of man would I be to allow even the possibility of that? Ether’s right, this is too risky.” Mihr’s movements are stilted, pearls of sweat forming on his brow.
“I don’t believe he will hurt me,” I say gently.
“Gabe has lost control before. He hurt someone he cared about. He can’t control himself, he’s already proved that by marking you. Carlotta loved him. He might have loved her too, but it wasn’t enough to prevent him from doing what he did,” Mihr signs. “Gabe is my brother and I care about him, but he’s dangerous.”
I lay my hand on Mihr’s arm, cutting him off. The warmth between our skin is growing in intensity. I feel the difference already and it’s unnerving and entirely distracting. “If there are secrets that need to be shared, then Gabe should be the one to tell me, and I should be the one to decide whether they are something I can live with or not.”
“Fern, you don’t understand…”
I reach up and cup Mihr’s cheek, urging him to face me fully. “I understand you’re worried, that you’re feeling protective because of this bond…”
“Not just because of the bond. It is a gift, yes, but it is not the only reason I wish to protect you.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I need to do this. It’s important, I feel it.” My hand drops from his cheek, and I find myself rubbing my palm against my chest. That strange pull seems magnified now I’ve acknowledged it.
“That is just the marking affecting you. You believe you need to be close to him. This is all a part of it, Fern,” Mihr signs in frustration.
“We cannot allow this to happen. You are too important to us. This isn’t just about what’s happening between you and Gabe. There are bigger concerns here,” Ether says, interrupting us.
“You’re talking about the prophecy?” I ask him, stepping around Mihr so I can speak to Ether directly.
“Yes.”
“But the prophecy talks of three allied men. Three. Not one or two, but three. A love divided by three men, isn’t that what it says? You say Gabe already loves me. It has to mean something.” Finally losing my patience, I point a finger at Ether. “Can you say the same? I’m assuming you’re one of the men the prophecy speaks of, unless there’s someone else?”
Ether’s opens his mouth, then shuts it again.
“Look, I don’t expect you to love me.” I laugh a little hysterically at that, drawing strange looks from Mihr and Ether. Taking a calming breath, I continue. “What I do expect is for you to allow me to make my own decisions. I wish to speak with Gabe. I need to understand why he chose to mark me. I came here for many reasons, Ether, but now my decision to stay, to help you all, hinges on this.”
“She’s right,” Tillan says. “It’s up to Fern. You can’t stop her, you shouldn’t. We’ve lived with this curse for a thousand years. I don’t want to live another thousand years this way. Whether you like it or not, Gabe is a part of this. You can’t keep him away from Fern forever.”
“I can try,” Ether mutters.
“I’ve taken the inhibitor, it works, and now I would like to speak with Gabe and set some things straight. I have lived with his voice in my head for years. When I was little it was a chorus of voices, then just his. Not yours, Ether, and not Mihr’s, despite this bond you talk of. It has to be significant, surely? I am drawn to him, as much as he is to me.”
The silence in the room is deafening. If this house weren’t floating in the damn air, I would leave and try to find Gabe myself. As it is, I am at their mercy.
“Life damn it, if he hurts you…” Mihr signs, stepping closer.
“He won’t hurt me,” I say. I hope he doesn’t hurt me. I hope I am right about him.
Mihr breathes deeply, blowing the air slowly out of his mouth. “You must be careful. The inhibitor will only dampen your ability to feel the ill effects of the marking. His nearness will make you very unwell once it wears off. More important than that, Gabe mustn’t touch you, no matter what, okay?”
“I understand.”
Mihr leans in close. “He will want to, perhaps you will want his touch too, but you mustn’t succumb,” he signs rapidly, wincing with pain from his injury.
“I won’t let him touch me,” I say, even though a tiny part of me is excited by the thought. A stupid, foolhardy, totally insane part.
“For Life’s sake, Mihr,” Ether says, grabbing his arm.
Mihr shakes himself free. “I don’t own Fern. You don’t either. Who am I to say what she should or shouldn’t do?”
“You are her Harmonia,” Ether says. “You have more of a say than any of us.”
Mihr shakes his head. “Despite that, it was never my voice Fern heard, Ether. I believe Fern is right, that must be significant.”
Ether considers me a moment. I can see he is at war with himself. I can see his point of view, even if I don’t agree with it. He is looking out for me, for all of Clan Vitae, I get it. I understand it, but I have to do this because I won’t be able to move forward otherwise.
“I’m not going to change my mind,” I say before he can say something else to try and dissuade me.
“I can see that,” he finally concedes. “I am not comfortable with this…”
“I know,” I say gently. He moves to walk away, then hesitates, turning back to face me once more.
“I do not want to see you in pain, Fern. That is the last thing I wish for you. If I thought I could persuade you not to do this, I would.” He sighs heavily. “I understand your need to hear what Gabe has to say. I won’t try to stop you. In fact, Mihr and I will go and fetch him now because there are a few
things I’d like to say before he talks with you. I am sure Mihr wants to say some things too.” He looks at Mihr, who nods. “You will have ten minutes alone together, no more.” He dips his head then leaves, Mihr following him out of the door.
“Well, I must say, that is the first time I have ever seen Ether back down. You and he are well-suited,” Tillan says with a light laugh.
“Well-suited?”
“Yes. He needs a strong woman in his life. I think you and he will be quite the match.” She cocks her head to the side, scrutinising me. “You don’t think so?”
“I don’t know. I only found out yesterday about all this,” I say, waving my hand at her, then around the room. “I’m not sure what you want me to say?”
“Yes, I forget you’ve only known them a short time. From an outsider’s point of view, you seem very relaxed in their company already, even with Gabe, although I suppose with him your acquaintance has been a little longer,” she muses.
Am I relaxed in their company? I suppose in some ways I am. I guess most people would be a bit more of a wreck, given what’s happened. I’m not. Is it because this was always meant to be? Is it because I’ve always felt like an outsider and with these men I fit? Honestly, I don’t know. Right now, I just want some answers from Gabe. I want to know why he, in particular, is such a draw to me.
Tillan puts her hand in her jacket pocket, then pulls out a vial of pink liquid. “Drink this,” she says, handing it to me. “It will stave off the effects of the marking for around twenty minutes, give or take. After that the sickness will return and you will feel a hundred times worse than you do now. That is the trade-off.”
“So be it,” I say, pulling out the stopper and swallowing the contents of the vial. It tastes suspiciously sweet, the kind of sweet that covers bitterness. “Urgh, that’s disgusting,” I say, retching slightly.
“Sorry about that,” Tillan says, pulling a face. “Diluted with elderflower extract, the bitterness is unnoticeable. On its own, it’s pretty foul.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Needs must, I guess.”
Tillan holds out her hand for the empty vial. I drop it into her palm. She regards me with her topaz eyes a moment before speaking.
“This is a dangerous tightrope you walk, Fern. There is a great attraction between you and Gabe. A dangerous one, now you’ve been marked.”
“Don’t worry, I haven’t got a death wish, Tillan.” Funny how I don’t try and deny the attraction. The pull in my chest has only heightened, despite the harm he could cause me. I feel it to a degree with each of them, but with Gabe it’s the strongest pull, perhaps because it was his voice that I heard on all those occasions.
“Hmm, perhaps not a death wish, but I suspect there is a part of you drawn to the darkness in Gabe, in all of the men, is there not?” Tillan asks.
“I’m not sure that’s what I’m drawn to.”
Tillan arches her eyebrow. She’s not convinced in the slightest.
“Even if it were, that’s not of my own volition,” I add.
Tillan laughs. “You may be fated to fulfil a role in this prophecy, but there is always a choice, Fern. You didn’t have to come here. No one has forced you. The same applies to this attraction you feel, it can be ignored.”
“You mean like how Clan Vitae can choose not to take life,” I say sarcastically.
“Is that what they told you? That they don’t have a choice?” Tillan rolls her eyes. “Every single member of Clan Vitae has the ability to choose between continuing their life or embracing their death. I do not like what I am. I do not like the choices I have made in order to survive, but I chose them. It is easier for Mihr and Ether to pass off their actions as something forced upon them. It isn’t true, though. We all have the ability to deny what we are, to lay blame at someone else’s feet. Queen Adrielle may have cursed us all, but she hasn’t forced us to do anything since that day, not really. We can say no. None of us have. We chose our lives over that of others.”
“And what of Gabe?” I ask, not sure I want to know the answer now that Tillan has chucked a metaphorical bucket of water over my head.
“Gabe has never denied what he is. He doesn’t like it, but he has never lied about his shortcomings either. Clan Vitae aren’t the people they used to be, darkness runs through our blood now. But that doesn’t mean to say we can’t be the people we once were again. That is what keeps me going, hoping that one day I’ll be able to hold a newborn without risk of taking its life. I embrace this life even when I despise it, so that one day I can be that person again. I choose to support you now because I wish for that life once more, because I can’t risk you leaving and ignoring our plight. I suspect it’s the same for Ether and Mihr, though they would never admit to it. You see, Fern, you have all the power in this situation. You have the right to make your own decision, to choose to do this now, but know that we are at risk of being cursed forevermore if Gabe can’t control himself. If you can’t.”
I blush at that. Tillan’s honesty cuts me to the quick, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
“I hope you get the answers you seek. Now it’s time for me to leave. Gabe will be here any second now,” Tillan says, turning on her heel and practically walking into Gabe’s chest as he barrels into the room. He pulls up sharp the moment he sees me. Tillan squeezes him on the arm and whispers something into his ear that I am unable to decipher. Then she is gone and, after all these years, I am finally left alone with him.
Chapter Twenty
“How do you feel?” he asks, taking a tentative step towards me. My heart trips in my chest as his glacier eyes drink me in. I feel utterly bare when he looks at me, that’s how I feel.
“That’s a loaded question, Gabe. One I’m not sure how to answer.”
“Try. I need to know, Fern. I need to know you don’t fucking hate me. Though I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I fucking marked you…”
“Why did you do it?”
“I couldn’t help it,” he says, this time avoiding my gaze.
He’s hiding something. He’s not as honest as Tillan believes him to be and I want to know why. “I don’t believe that’s the only reason.”
“It’s the truth. I couldn’t stop myself.”
I shake my head. “Stop lying. Tell me why you marked me, Gabe. I’ve already forgiven you for it. Now, I wish to understand.”
“You’ve forgiven me for giving you a death sentence?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s like punishing a dog for biting someone when they’re in pain. I believe a part of you couldn’t help yourself, but I also believe there’s more to it than that.” I stare at him, not breaking eye contact.
Gabe scrapes a hand over his face, stepping away from me. “I can see you take no prisoners, Fern. That will of steel you have. When I watched you with that mother… the way you fought for the baby even when you knew it was helpless. I know Ether appreciates that about you, fighting for what you believe in, your strength. You and he are very alike.”
“You’re changing the subject, Gabe. Tell me what I need to know,” I demand, closing the gap between us. I do not feel even a little bit unwell and it makes me bold.
He laughs bitterly, swiping a hand over his face. “Damn it, Fern. I was only going to touch you briefly. Just like Mihr and Gabe had. After all that time, I just wanted to feel you, hold you. Then you placed your hand over mine.” He pauses.
“Go on,” I say.
“I couldn’t move. I knew what was happening, I knew the danger, but I couldn’t pull away. Life forgive me, I didn’t want to. Before, when I took that poor baby’s life, you looked at me in fear and it damn near killed me. I stayed away for years after that encounter. Then Lissandra spoke with Ether, she told us about the prophecy. She gave him the stone and when we got the chance, we left to find Clan Vitae’s missing daughter. When we landed in your garden, I felt the same pull. Then I saw you looking out of your window. I was in shock. The girl who was
hidden away by her mother, the woman spoken of in the prophecy, it was you.”
Gabe pulls in a breath and loosens it out slowly. I notice his hands are trembling now and I so desperately want to touch him.
“That pull I’d felt all along drawing me to you, it was there once again. I thought my heart was about to explode from my chest. I almost ran into your arms then. Life damn it, I wanted to. When I was left alone with you, every single part of me wanted to touch you, even when my common sense was screaming at me to leave. Then you looked at me differently, like I was a man, not a monster that took the baby. When you placed your hand over mine, I was lost… I’d wanted to touch you for so long.”
“How long?” I whisper.
“What?”
“How long have you wanted to touch me?” A look of hunger passes over his features. I remember the way Finch looked at Dani, and I finally understand what it feels to be wanted, desired. Gabe takes another step towards me.
“Since I first laid eyes on you in that place where you deliver life,” he says, pressing his fist against the centre of his chest. “This feeling made me return to you, even when I knew it was hopeless. I’ve watched you for over a century.”
“For a hundred years?” I frown, then remember time passes differently for us both.
“One hundred and fifty-eight, if we’re counting.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? It may have been torture but being near you has also given me a measure of joy that I haven’t felt in years.”
“Joy?” I ask gently. This time it is me that takes a step closer. The air is crackling with tension, the pull in my own chest taking control of my movements now. Gabe’s lips part as he draws in a breath.
“Yes, joy, and something even more powerful. Something I never thought my blackened heart would feel again.”
“Tell me, Gabe.” I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I am being foolish, that I should heed the warning Mihr and Tillan gave me, but I can’t seem to help myself, so I take another step towards him. We are in touching distance now, and my body hums with the attraction I feel. It’s made so much more intense, given the fact I don’t feel at all unwell or near death. The inhibitor is doing its job far too well.