It was one of the longest personal speeches Quill had made, and he had to take a breath, looking away from Owen, not sure what he’d do if Owen couldn’t give him that chance.
“I’m glad. I am. And you make me happy too. I like who I am around you. A lot. I was always striving and thinking of the next big thing. You make me more...settled. In a good way. But... I can’t help but think you’re going to come to your senses, remember that you don’t want to be publicly in a same-sex relationship. And I don’t think I can have that argument again. I want it all, not just the private sliver you’re willing to give me. And not just being boyfriends when it gets you what you want, like here at the hospital.”
Quill actually had some thoughts about that, but he wasn’t quite ready to play every last card. Not with Owen still so justifiably testy and peeved at Quill.
“I’m done being closeted. I mean, I’m still me. Like you said. No personality transplant. Probably not going to wear rainbow go-go shorts to the next department meeting, but I’m also done hiding. You were absolutely right that I was being a coward. I was letting old fears about how badly it went with my father drive me into hiding, keep me from finding connection, something real and lasting and good.”
“We are pretty good.” Owen gave him a tentative smile that Quill felt down to his toes. “And—hell. Why am I yawning again? I should be able to have a simple conversation.”
“You’ve been through a huge ordeal. Maybe we don’t have to hash everything out right now. That’s not fair to you. You rest. I’ll be here.”
Owen studied him for several long moments. “You really mean that, don’t you?”
“I do.” Quill took a chance and touched him again, squeezing his fingers gently, stomach wobbling when Owen squeezed back. “I’m here for you. For us. I’m here for this, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“A chance.” Owen yawned again, voice going sleepy. “You get a chance.”
It wasn’t full forgiveness, and Quill wasn’t going to hold Owen to something he was murmuring on the way to drifting off again, but his heart still thrilled. A chance. He could take that, work with it, prove to Owen that he was worth the risk. They’d been given a gift from the universe, a veritable miracle, and Quill sure as hell wasn’t going to waste it.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Owen had thought the long Alaskan winter nights had prepared him for cabin fever, but being in the hospital was a new level of stir crazy that he hadn’t ever achieved before. It took another two days before Owen finally convinced the doctors that he was ready to go. And it took even more fancy talking to try to convince Quill and his parents that he should be allowed to leave with Quill, go back to his quarters and maybe not return immediately to work, but at least head in that direction.
The last thing he wanted was to return to California with his parents while everything was still up in the air with Quill, a weird tentative and unsettled truce having settled over them where Quill kept up the attentive best-boyfriend-ever routine and Owen tried to relax enough to enjoy it. But there was still a lot of talking that needed to happen, a lot of future to be decided on. Further, it was one thing for Quill to be okay with being a couple when surrounded by supportive nurses and Owen’s parents, who made no secret about liking Quill, and another thing to be a couple in the larger, public, ongoing sense.
While waiting for the doctors to sign off on his release, Quill and his parents had been conferring in the hall, a development that made Owen’s neck ache and made him snappish when the three of them finally returned to the room.
“You can go with Quill.” His mother sounded like a peace accord had been reached, and not like Owen was a grown adult who would do whatever he damn well felt like.
“I don’t need permission.” He glared at all of them. “I’m fine. I have medications. I’ve got a cast for my arm. I can rest just fine in my room, and there’s still plenty I can do, even with the cast.”
“We just care about you.” Never one to cow in the face of Owen’s bad mood, his mother gave him a hard stare back. “You’re not a cat. You don’t have endless lives. First, the cancer. Now this. You can’t blame us for wanting to make sure you fully recover.”
“I know.” Owen could never stay peeved at his parents long. “And I appreciate it. I do. It was nice of you guys to come. I love you. I’m just ready to not be babied. And you’ve got lives to get back to.”
“I do want to get back to work. But you’re always going to be a huge part of our life.” Owen’s father had always had a more placid personality than his mother, the perfect foil for her. Quiet where she was talkative, they simply fit. Owen had spent years despairing of ever finding the kind of compatibility and relationship that they had. But then he’d been so sure that he’d found that with Quill. And now...hell. He just wasn’t sure. His heart wanted to believe in them and their potential as a couple again. He did. But damn those doubts that kept plaguing him.
“Your parents only want to make sure you’re cared for.” Quill defending Owen’s parents was sweet. If nothing else, Owen had enjoyed seeing them get along, even if they did seem to be conspiring against him. “And you will be. You’re not going to overdo it and rush back.”
Luckily, Owen was saved from further arguing his case by the arrival of his discharge papers and a flurry of instructions from the nursing staff. Seemingly satisfied that Quill could take care of Owen, his parents agreed to head back to their hotel and keep their early-morning flight back to California.
“I’ll update you,” Quill promised, again sounding like he’d been replaced by an alien double. And he didn’t even flinch when Owen’s mom gave him a hug, although his cheeks did turn an adorable shade of pink. Finally, they left, and after a tussle about needing to be wheeled out, Owen was at last free and installed in the passenger seat of Quill’s truck.
“Damn. How is it already this late?” He gestured at the dashboard clock. “It’ll be dark by the time we’re back.”
“We’re not going straight back.” Quill had a sly smile that Owen wasn’t sure he’d ever seen before.
“We’re not?”
“Nope. I’ve got plans for you.” Putting the truck in gear, Quill headed out of the hospital complex.
“What did my parents talk you into?”
Quill waited until they were on the main road to answer. “They didn’t. I mean, I told them my idea so they wouldn’t worry, but it was all me.” Quill was blushing again, which made it damn hard to stay irritated with him.
“Okay, now I’m curious. Where are we going?” Owen didn’t want to put a crimp in whatever Quill had planned, but his energy level was still lower than he’d like. “Not sure I’m up to eating out or something.”
“Not going out.” The truck appeared headed for downtown. “I got us a place. And before you tell me that you’re fine and that you’re up to the trek back, this isn’t me thinking you need coddling.”
“It’s not?” Owen wasn’t so sure. Certainly sounded like Quill not trusting him to make the trip back.
“It’s more me thinking you might like a long, hot bath after all that time in a hospital, and you can’t get that back at our quarters. But also... Valentine’s Day is coming up. Doubt I’ll be able to get it off after taking this time, and you’re always so big on holidays...”
“I am.” Owen couldn’t hold back a smile. However annoying Quill going all overprotective was, Owen couldn’t deny the appeal of a Quill who was deliberately trying to be romantic. “And a bath does sound good. Hell, I’d settle for an unsupervised shower at this point. I’m seriously scuzzy.”
Quill had produced a pair of sweats for him to wear home, but Owen still wasn’t going to turn down the chance to get truly clean.
“Oh, you’re not that bad. But let me do this for you. You deserve a little spoiling after all you’ve been through. And we’re heading home in the morning, so you c
an prove yourself soon enough. Hattie’s ready to get back to Val, I’m sure. Part of me still thinks I should have sent you with your parents, but I’m selfish and ready to have you to myself too.”
“I wouldn’t mind some alone time too,” Owen admitted. “That’s a big part of why I was agitating so hard for going back with you. I know things are still...weird. But I did mean it about giving you a chance. I think we need some time to ourselves. Time to work out whatever the heck comes next.”
“No worrying about the future. Not yet,” Quill said sternly as he parked in an underground garage. “Right now, I just want that chance. And for you to focus on relaxing and getting better. I already checked in earlier, so we can go on up.”
As it turned out, Quill wasn’t kidding about up. The elevator took them up to the twentieth floor, and Quill let them into a suite with amazing views of Cook Inlet that was a step up from the average hotel room with a little sitting area, bedroom with a king bed, a large bathroom with a separate tub and glassed-in shower.
“Okay, I can get more into your idea. This is really nice.” Owen gave Quill a smile right before Quill steered him toward the bathroom.
“How about you start with that hot bath? Then I can rub that shoulder and anything else that’s sore.”
“Anything?” Owen winked at him. He hadn’t thought about sex in days, but here, romantic setting, alone with Quill, massage in the offering, his body knew a few stirrings of lust.
“We’ll see about that. First, your bath.”
“Hmm. I think I’ll make it a shower. You’re making me impatient to get to the...rubbing. Later, I want to see if we both fit in the tub.”
“Ha. Good luck talking me into that.” Quill laughed. “I’m going to order us some food. What do you want? You need to keep your strength up.”
“Order me whatever. Anything beats hospital food.” Owen smiled at him again, trying to show Quill that his efforts weren’t unappreciated. Even if he was motivated by guilt or the whole near-death thing, Owen couldn’t deny that Quill was trying hard to win him back. And Owen’s heart was already most of the way there, hadn’t forgotten how he felt about Quill. He just had to hope that his brain caught up eventually.
Heading to the shower, he covered his cast with one of the plastic protectors the hospital had provided and then stripped and cranked the water to hot. He’d had a tepid shower at the hospital with a medical assistant helping, but being alone under the steaming shower and soaping up with the herbal-scented bath products felt like a huge luxury. Taking his time, he let the water wash away much of the stress of the past few days, letting go of all the irritations over being hospitalized, and shoving aside all his fears over both the future with Quill and questions about his own mortality.
That last bit was something he was trying hard not to dwell on, how fucking scary it had been waking up in the hospital, knowing he almost died, knowing that but for a miracle he wouldn’t get a second chance at anything. And maybe that was why he was so determined to get things right with Quill, not settle for good enough or empty promises. He wanted everything, Quill’s full heart, for all the right reasons, and the future they both deserved.
Resolved, he dried off before wrapping one of the towels around his waist and returning to the main area of the suite.
“Food or massage first?” Quill gestured at the little table where a plate of fruits and cheeses and sandwiches lay. Nothing that wouldn’t keep, and Owen’s body was far more interested in discovering what parts still worked.
“Massage.” Thinking about Quill’s hands on him while in the shower had sent blood rushing south in a promising sign, and Owen was greedy for that. Quill so earnestly insistent on this now was a nice sort of novelty. He’d massaged Quill a lot in the past few months, but he generally enjoyed turning Quill into jelly where Quill let go of any thought of needing to reciprocate.
“I’m...uh...probably not as good at this as you, but I looked some stuff up on my phone,” Quill said as Owen stretched out on the blissfully fluffy bed.
“Research? I’m impressed.” Owen wiggled around, getting comfortable, loving the space to spread out after the cramped, hard hospital bed. “And I’m still sore enough that anything is gonna feel good, trust me. Even my legs hurt, and I haven’t used them in days.”
“Let’s start there.” Quill knelt next to him on the bed, rubbing Owen’s calves and feet. He’d lost his shoes at some point, and between the bare feet and his jeans and a sweatshirt, Owen just wasn’t used to this version of Quill. He’d acquired some regular clothes over the past few days, but Owen found himself missing the uniform, for more than simply eye candy. Back at their quarters and on duty, he’d known exactly who Quill was, trusted in that person with the deepest part of his soul. He wanted to feel that way about this Quill, the attentive boyfriend and darling of parents and nurses alike, wanted to not feel like Quill was a balloon he needed to hold on tight to. And more than anything, he wanted this to be real.
As if sensing the direction of Owen’s thoughts, Quill paused in his attentions to Owen’s legs. “Relax. We’ve got all night, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Maybe I was wrong to give you that ultimatum,” Owen mused, his realization from the avalanche crowding back into his brain. “Maybe that ruined everything. We had such a good thing going.”
“Hush. You didn’t ruin anything.” Quill moved to rub Owen’s neck, firm strokes against his tense muscles. “And I think we’ve established that my reaction sucked. It wasn’t an unreasonable idea or request. You wanted a future. And I wanted that too, but I let my fears win out. Well, that, and I still worry that I’m not the best for you. But I do know that you’re what’s best for me. I need you, and like I said earlier, I’m being selfish and keeping you. And whatever it takes to do that, I’m going to do it.”
“I worry you’re going to resent me forcing you to come out,” Owen admitted, all those fears finally bubbling to the surface.
“I’m not,” Quill said firmly, thumbs digging into Owen’s neck. “Listen, when I told the hospital that I was your boyfriend—that wasn’t for you. That was for me. I needed to get to you, and all of a sudden, every objection I’d ever had to being out seemed ridiculous. Same thing with calling my boss. Any amount of censure for getting involved with a volunteer or departmental gossip is worth it because it means I got to be with you. And that’s what I didn’t see clearly before. I’ve got so much to gain by being more open. Sure, it means more eyeballs on me and the risk of people taking things badly, but it gets me not just you but also my best self. What was it you called it a while back? My authentic self? I thought that self was in the mountains, was a patch of dirt or the reflection of a sunset, but now I know that self is the person I get to be around you. So, no, no I’m not going to resent you for giving me this gift of myself, of the best possible version of my life.”
It was a long speech by Quill standards, and it warmed every last frozen place in Owen, all his hurting parts, and while it didn’t completely erase the pain he’d felt when Quill had refused to consider a future for them, it was more than a start to building up trust that Quill knew what he wanted at long last and that Quill wasn’t about to bolt if things got difficult.
“Come here.” Owen rolled slightly so that he could tug Quill to him. It was their first kiss since the fight, and it felt like the very first all over again, a tentative feeling out of each other underscored by a powerful hunger. God, he was never going to get over this man, had been foolish to think he might. He’d missed Quill, missed this fiercely, and he put all that hurt and longing and waiting into the kiss.
It started soft, but something in Owen turned demanding, wanting Quill to meet his need, wanting evidence that he wasn’t alone in floundering around in emotions far bigger than he was. And Quill responded beautifully, mouth parting on a gasp, taking everything Owen wanted to give him, sucking hard on Owen’s questing tongue, cl
utching his shoulders, big body trembling under Owen’s hands.
Owen needed more, needed every damn thing all at once, and his left hand fumbled for Quill’s fly. Fucking cast, slowing him down.
“Hey. Hey. I owe you that massage,” Quill panted, eyes glassy and mouth swollen, hottest fucking thing Owen had ever seen.
“Later. Need you. Get naked with me.”
“Glad to see your bossiness back.” Quill laughed as he sat up long enough to pull his shirts off. “I should make you wait.”
“I’ve waited long enough. We both have.” Owen couldn’t keep the seriousness out his voice. No more waiting. No more fears. No room for doubts. Just this, right here and now. This man, all of him, sweet and confounding both. All of his parts. Owen wanted everything Quill had to give.
“Yeah, we have,” Quill said roughly as he wiggled out of his jeans and boxer briefs. His mouth found Owen’s again even before he stretched out against him, both of them on their sides. Owen tried to pull him closer, but ended up nearly hitting him with the cast.
“Fuck. I hate this thing. I keep forgetting it’s on. I want to touch you.”
“I’ll take the cast if it means having you.” Quill laced their left hands together while his right one swept down Owen’s torso. “And maybe it’s good for your inner control freak to take a break now and then. Let someone else take care of you.”
Arctic Heat (Frozen Hearts) Page 26