Our Little Secret

by Ashelyn Drake

  He raises my chin. “Hey, forget Tori for a second. Forget Meredith. Forget everyone else.” He pulls me closer. “Does any part of this feel wrong to you?”

  “No.” I don’t have to even think about it. Toby and I couldn’t feel more right. “But how do we make Tori see that?”

  “I’m not sure. But we’ll think of something. Later. For now, let’s enjoy the peace and quiet of this room.”

  “And some mashed cupcake?”

  He nods. “And some mashed cupcake.” He grabs the spoons off the bed and hands one to me. “Ladies first.”

  “No way. It’s your birthday. Make a wish and drink some icing.”

  “Sounds delightful.” He smiles and closes his eyes.

  “What are you wishing for?”

  “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.”

  “That’s what Tori always says. Every year I ask her what she wished for, and she always tells me she can’t say or it won’t come true. You guys are a lot more alike than you think.”

  He opens his eyes. “Done. And I know we’re alike. I’m not the one who has a problem with being a twin.”

  “Something must have happened to make her this way.” I reach for his hand and lace my fingers through his. “I can’t see how anyone can look at you and not see how amazing you are.”

  “You did it for seventeen years.”

  “Not true at all. I knew. I was just too shy to tell you.”

  “And my sister forbid you from liking me.”

  I try to remember a time when we all used to hang out. A time before Tori kept Toby and me separated. “Didn’t we go to some birthday party together in, like, third grade?”

  “Yeah, at an arcade downtown.” He scrapes his spoon against the side of the bag, scooping up some icing.

  “And didn’t you win a stuffed pink bear for Tori?”

  “And a goldfish for you.”

  “Oh my God, Mr. Gills! I totally forgot about him.” He was the only pet I’ve ever had because Dad’s allergic to pet hair.

  “Tori got upset because she wanted a goldfish too, and I couldn’t win another one.”

  “You used all your tokens trying, too.” The memory comes rushing back. “And then Mr. Gills died about a week later, and she still had her stuffed bear.”

  He nods. “Open up.” He holds the spoon of icing out to me.

  “I told you, birthday boy first.”

  “Don’t argue with me on my birthday.”

  I open my mouth, and he feeds me the spoonful. Even demolished, the cupcake tastes delicious. “Wow. That’s really good.”

  “And you’re still alive, so I guess it’s safe for me to try some.”

  I smack his arm. “You were making me test it?”

  He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. “Tastes good to me.”

  “What the hell?” I turn to see Tori standing in the doorway, glaring at us.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  My heart stops. My lungs shrivel to the size of peas. I’m dying. I must be. The cupcake was poisoned, and I’m slipping away with the agony of death. That must be it.

  “I said, what the hell?” Tori walks into the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

  “Oh God, Tori,” I say, pulling away from Toby. “You weren’t supposed to find out like this.”

  “What is this?” She can’t focus on either one of us. Her eyes dart back and forth. “Please tell me this is a prank. Some sick joke that you two orchestrated while you were planning my party. Tell me someone is going to jump out and yell surprise and hand me the keys to a new car, because nothing short of that is going to make me be okay with my brother and my best friend making out in his room!”

  “Okay, let’s calm down and talk about this,” Toby says.

  “Calm down? Are you shitting me?” Tori screams. I’m grateful the music downstairs is so loud. I don’t want an audience of the entire junior class. “You don’t get to tell me to calm down, Toby. You were just kissing my best friend. My best friend!”

  “I know it looks bad. I get it, but you have to listen to us.” Toby has to stop telling Tori what she needs to do or she’ll never let up.

  “Tori.” I stand up, but I’m too afraid to step any closer to her. “We were going to tell you. I swear.”

  “When?”

  “Today. I promise. We were going to tell you everything. We didn’t want to keep this a secret from you.”

  “Oh, so you were going to tell me today? On my birthday?” She forces a laugh. “Happy birthday, Tori, I’ve been sneaking around with your twin brother!”

  “No.” Oh God. She’s right. What the hell made me think today was a good day to come clean? We’re ruining her birthday. This is the worst time for this. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “No, you weren’t. You weren’t thinking about anyone but yourselves.” She shakes her head in disgust. “My God, Becca, how could you do this to me?”

  “I don’t know. You’re right. I should’ve told you some other time.”

  “No.” She cuts me off. “I mean how could you go behind my back like this? You’re like my freakin’ sister, and you’re doing…this?” She gestures to Toby.

  “It’s not like that. This is still pretty new.”

  “How new? Right-after-Meredith-dumped-Toby new?”

  “Before that,” Toby says.

  “Holy crap! You two were together while Toby was dating Meredith? That’s sick!”

  “You don’t understand. Meredith caught us together and threatened to tell you if I didn’t pretend to date her and get her back on top at school.” I don’t know how Toby is managing to find the courage to talk because my throat is closing on me.

  “Meredith knew?” Tori’s eyes widen. “She knew before me? You confessed to her but not me?”

  “It wasn’t like that,” I say.

  “Who else knows?” She looks at Toby. “Mom and Dad? The neighbors? Who?”

  “Apparently, Mr. Kwan.”

  I shoot Toby a look. That is so not helping.

  Tori laughs. “Of course. Mr. Kwan. How silly of me?”

  I’ve never seen Tori like this. She’s lost it. “Tor, we didn’t mean for any of this to happen this way. I’ve had feelings for Toby for a while, but I knew you wouldn’t like it so I never said anything.”

  “That’s right. You knew. You knew I wouldn’t allow this, and you went ahead and did it anyway. You suck, Becca. You know that? You’re a backstabbing bitch, just like—”

  “That’s enough, Tori.” Toby steps toward her, as if blocking me will protect me from her words. “Becca didn’t want to hurt you. I’m the one who initiated this. I had feelings for her, and I kissed her. If you want to blame someone, then blame me.”

  “Believe me I do, but you didn’t do this alone. Becca is every bit as guilty. No, you know what? She’s guiltier. I trusted her.” She steps around Toby and faces me. “I trusted you as my best friend. How could you do this to me? You knew how I felt about all those girls throwing themselves at him. You knew! How could you let yourself become one of them?”

  “She’s not one of them.” Toby steps next to me. “She never came after me.”

  “Oh, good for her. She just let you seduce her. Poor, poor, Becca, she wasn’t strong enough to stand up to your—” she gestures the length of Toby’s body “—whatever this is.”

  “Tori.” I keep my voice small and try not to sound defensive. “Can you please explain why it’s such a big deal if Toby and I like each other? Why have you never wanted people to hang out with the both of you?”

  “Because then everyone will see he’s the better twin!” Her face is bright red, and she’s starting to shake.

  The better twin? Where would she get an idea like that? “That’s crazy.”

  “No, it’s not.” Her arms flail at her sides. “He’s perfect. He’s smart, popular, and good at sports. What am I good at? Making out. That doesn’t get me much.”

  “It got you Ryder,” I s
ay, trying to break the tension.

  “That’s not funny.”

  “But what about Ryder?” Toby asks. “You’re dating him now. Doesn’t that show you that this no sharing friends rule is absurd?”

  She glares at Toby. “Is that why you set me up with him? So you could get your hands on my best friend?”

  Sort of. “Tori, he knew how much you liked Ryder.”

  “That’s not exactly a denial, Becca.”

  I sigh. “Look, I don’t want to lie to you.”

  “Funny because that’s all you’ve been doing. Lying and sneaking around with my brother. My brother!”

  “I know. I feel awful, but you didn’t exactly make this easy for me. I wanted to tell you how I feel about him, but you were so insistent that I couldn’t be his friend. I knew you’d freak out if I told you we wanted to date each other.”

  “You know Toby doesn’t date people. He’s not the boyfriend type.” She eyes him again, anger flooding her face.

  I nod, and I can see the disappointment on Toby’s face. “He was like that, but this is different.”

  She shakes her head. “Don’t be a Meredith. Don’t be stupid enough to think you’re the one who will change him, make him a better guy. You can’t.”

  “She’s nothing like Meredith,” Toby says. I can’t help noticing that he’s willing to defend me, but not himself.

  Tori ignores him, choosing to focus on me. “The only thing I have over Toby is that I can commit to someone. You may think I only like Ryder because he’s hot, but that’s not the only reason I’m with him. He gets me. He doesn’t try to change me, and he doesn’t care when I fly off the handle about things. He lets me be myself, and he likes me anyway.”

  “Did you ever think Ryder was the relationship type?”

  “I didn’t care. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when this started. I just wanted to hook up with my brother’s hot friend.”

  “So why couldn’t I hook up with your hot friend?” Toby asks. His tone isn’t demanding at all. It’s full of genuine curiosity.

  “Because she’s my friend. Because you’ll hurt her the way you hurt Meredith, and I’ll lose her like I lost Allison. Everyone who’s ever been friends with both of us has chosen you in the end. You’re the better twin, and I’m left by myself. First Allison and then Meredith. But I’ll be damned if I let you take Becca from me too.”

  Meredith? When was she ever friends with Meredith? “Tori, what are you talking about? You and Meredith have always hated each other.”

  “No, they haven’t,” Toby says, but Tori holds her hand up.

  “Don’t! You don’t get to talk about this. You don’t get to spill my secrets after you’ve been keeping this from me.” I’ve never seen her this worked up. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. Her body shakes as tears stream down her cheeks.

  “Tori, calm down. It’s okay. You’re not going to lose me. I promise. You’re my best friend.”

  “I’m not anymore. He is. You’re always with him, studying—or at least that’s what I thought. When do we ever see each other anymore?”

  “I’m sorry. I know we haven’t hung out as much lately, but you’ve been with Ryder too. It’s not all me.”

  Toby steps toward us. “Tell her about Meredith, Tori. She deserves to know.”

  She pulls away from me and glares at him. “Fine. You want to bring up the past? Unleash those demons? Why don’t you tell her? Tell her how you stole another one of my friends. Tell her why I asked you to stay away from my friends. Or are you afraid she won’t want to hang out with you anymore?”

  I turn to him, wondering how bad this can actually be. “What happened? When were Meredith and Tori ever friends?”

  He looks down at his sneakers and sighs. “It was the summer before ninth grade. You and your parents went to Aruba, remember?”

  I nod. My dad had a business opportunity down there, and Mom jumped at the chance to spend the summer on an island.

  “Well, Tori ran into Meredith at the mall. Meredith said her summer was boring and asked Tori to hang out. She even promised to introduce Tori to her other friends.”

  The popular crowd. My God, Tori actually wanted to be in the popular crowd. Just like she wants to now that she’s with Ryder. I replay our conversations in my mind. The comments about those girls who kept calling her looking for Toby—they make sense now.

  “Wait.” I turn to Tori. “Those girls that called for Toby. They didn’t dial you by accident. They had your number from that summer. They were calling you to get information about him.”

  “Like I’d give it to them after what they did.” She shakes her head, and tears fill her eyes again.

  I turn back to Toby. “What happened?”

  “Meredith and Tori hung out all summer with some of the other girls. But they always wanted to hang out here instead of at anyone else’s house.”

  “Because they all fell for my perfect brother,” Tori spits out.

  Toby’s gaze pleads with me. “I didn’t do anything. I talked to them because they were here. I never called any of them. I never asked any of them out.”

  “You didn’t need to. You walked around here with your shirt off half the time. That was enough.”

  “You can’t blame him for that. It was summer. You have a pool.” I reach for her arm, but she pulls away.

  “I guess you wouldn’t understand since you fell for him too.”

  “That’s not why. It has nothing to do with what he looks like.” Well, not completely. “I’ve tried to tell you this. I’ve known him all my life. Toby’s a great person.”

  “Yeah, so great that Meredith and her friends decided he was the one they wanted to hang out with. Him. They would call me and ask for him. They’d come over and ask him to go to the movies. By the time school started, they didn’t talk to me anymore. Only him. Everyone chooses him—the better twin.”

  “That’s awful, but don’t you see? That’s their fault. They were stupid for letting you go.”

  She wipes the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Just shut up, okay? I can’t listen to you defend him. It’s obvious you’d rather be with him, so go.”

  “You’re my best friend.”

  “No, I’m not. You don’t keep something like this from your best friend.” Her arms flail again and I step back. “You don’t date your best friend’s brother when you know it’s the one thing she doesn’t want you to do. And you don’t lie about it for—how long has this been going on? You said it was before Meredith. How far before?”

  “It’s not like that. This isn’t just a crush. We didn’t want to tell you right away because we wanted to make sure there was something between us, something worth—”

  “Ruining our friendship for?” she screams in my face.

  “I thought our friendship would be strong enough to withstand this. I thought as my best friend you’d understand that I fell for someone. I love him, Tori. I love him. I wouldn’t have risked our relationship if I didn’t feel this strongly.”

  “You…” Her breath is uneven, raspy. She shakes her head. “You can’t love him.” The word love is strained, like it’s difficult to say.

  “I do.” I step toward her, hoping that the words will sink in, make her understand.

  “I love her too.” Toby stands next to me, but as soon as he does, Tori’s eyes dart back and forth between us.

  “No.”

  “Please.” I reach for her hand, but she jerks away.

  “Don’t. Don’t touch me.” Her eyes fall on Toby’s and then mine. “Either of you. We’re done. Leave me alone. For good.” She rushes for the door, struggling with the doorknob. I try to go after her, but Toby holds me back.

  “Let her go.”

  “No, I can’t.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “She’s my best friend.”

  The door slams shut. She’s gone.

  “Tori.” Her name is like an echo, a memory.

  “She needs tim
e. If you go after her now, it will only make this worse.”

  “I ruined everything. Our friendship, her party. What was I thinking? I should’ve told her when I first had feelings for you.”

  He pulls me to him. “If you had, we wouldn’t be together right now. She would’ve gotten angry, and you would’ve hidden your feelings from me.”

  Is that true? Would Tori have stood between us? Probably. “I don’t think I would’ve been able to hide my feelings for you. Even if she told me I couldn’t like you, I still would’ve kissed you that night in your room. You can’t just turn off feelings, no matter how much you might want to.”

  “I know. I think deep down, she knows it too. You just have to give her time.”

  Time. Just like Kim Kwan had to give her sister-in-law time. I don’t want to lose Tori for years.

  “She wasn’t wrong. She and I are like sisters, and I betrayed her.”

  “Don’t say that. If you two are like sisters, it makes our relationship really weird and complicated.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Sorry. I was just trying to lighten the mood.” He rubs my arm. “I don’t want to see you like this. I know we both screwed up, but if Tori’s really your best friend, she should want you to be happy, even if it’s with me.”

  I agree, but after what I’ve done, I’m in no position to go making demands of Tori right now. I have to hope that she comes to this conclusion on her own. That she sees losing our friendship over this silly rule of hers isn’t worth it. But I know Tori. I know how much she hates to be wrong. How much she stands her ground. I’m not sure she’ll ever get over this.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I try calling Tori sixteen times on Sunday. She never came out of her room after she caught Toby and me kissing. She missed the rest of her party. All because of me. Her voice mail beeps, and I leave message number seventeen.

  “Tori, please talk to me. Let me explain. I don’t want to do this over your voice mail. I need you to talk to me. I need my best friend back. Please.” I don’t know what else to say that I haven’t already, so I hang up.