by Nikki Chase
Haven’t they heard the news? It’s all a lie. Love doesn’t exist. Or even if it does, it’s only for a short while. Just when you think you’re standing on solid ground, a crater tears the soil beneath your feet and swallows you whole, burying you alive.
And then you curse yourself for ever believing in the stories. You feel like you’ve just discovered the truth about Santa Claus all over again. Everyone has been lying to you the whole time. You’ve been played for a fool.
We tell ourselves a lot of lies. Like forever. Forever is a lie we tell ourselves so we can function.
There is no forever, not even in the best of relationships. Trust me. I would know. I had the perfect relationship, and then it was snatched away from me.
I swallow the lump forming in my throat. In a twisted way, the discomfort makes me feel more human, or as human as I can be when I’m dead inside. Perhaps this is why some people cut themselves.
Tears collect in my eyes, blurring my vision. Not wanting to draw attention to my zombie self, I blink them away, but still they grow into heavy drops and fall down my cheeks.
I wish I had a pair of sunglasses stashed in my bag. But I was so out of it this morning I’m lucky to be even wearing a clean gray shirt and a pair of dark jeans.
Hang on, I tell myself. You’re almost there.
It gets harder and harder to breathe the closer I get to the cemetery. Some invisible force is drawing me closer, telling me there’s comfort at my destination. As much as I want to believe that, I know it’s just another lie I tell myself. There’s nothing there but more sorrow.
But I keep on going. I need to see Scott. It’s been too long. I was starting to feel like I’d been abandoning him anyway when last night happened.
Fuck. Jesus, Emily. Listen to yourself. What are you even talking about? It’s not like Scott can get lonely anymore, can he?
With no warning, tears pour out of my eyes and stream down my face. Luckily I’m already walking past the big, black, cast iron gates of Blackwood Cemetery. There’s nobody here to gawk at me. Besides, what’s more normal than crying at a cemetery?
I miss him so much.
The day Scott died, it was like someone stabbed me in the heart and never bothered to pull out the knife. And so the invisible murder weapon stays stuck in my chest as I walk around with a dead soul.
The wound never has any chance to heal as the knife becomes a permanent fixture. Some days I may feel strong enough to function, at least outwardly. But then the knife shifts and a fresh cut appears.
Is it wrong to wish that somewhere out there, Scott feels the same way too?
Of course it would be better for him if he were having a picnic with his dead friends and relatives in a sunny meadow in the afterlife. But I can’t actually bring myself to believe this particular lie.
Although, as long as we’re talking about lies and believability, I guess him feeling anything is just as unlikely as him having a ghostly picnic.
But it just feels so lonely to miss the love of your life so much and not have that feeling be returned.
As my feet leave the paved footpaths and step onto the grass, I wonder who’s sadder: widows or unrequited lovers? It’s strange how the most random thoughts just appear out of nowhere.
It doesn’t take long for me to spot the headstone, a heavy slab of polished black granite with a rounded top and his name on it. I weave around strangers’ graves, tracing the familiar route to Scott’s final resting place.
I used to come here every day after the funeral, for about one month. Then I realized there was nothing here.
He was not here. He was nowhere.
And I was never even going to feel his presence anymore. Maybe I’m too logical to be a good widow, although we never got around to marrying each other so I probably can’t even call myself that.
You know another reason you wouldn’t make a good widow? Because you fucked the guy who killed him.
I feel like someone is pushing and twisting the knife deeper into my chest. With that gaping hole in my center, it hurts to breathe, like every little movement just rips my flesh open even further.
I reach Scott’s lot and touch the headstone, warm from being in the sun all morning. I plant my butt on the grass and lean against the headstone.
“Scott,” I say. “Honey, if you can hear me… You need to get a better body. Seriously. This one is too hard and it’s such an awkward shape too.” I giggle to myself, then clamp my lips together until they hurt, in a futile effort to fight the tears back.
Scott would’ve laughed at that joke.
“I would’ve gotten you something. But you were never into flowers, and those seem to be the most popular things to bring to cemeteries.”
I look around at the bouquets people have left behind by their loved ones’ graves. Orange and blue and red. Having spent a lot of time here, I know the groundskeeper picks them up and throws them away when they dry out.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, gazing at the patch of grass over Scott’s grave. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
I still can’t believe he’s down there, just six feet away from me. And yet I saw the body in the coffin before they nailed it shut and lowered it into the ground two years ago.
It still seems so surreal. I can’t believe that buried down there is the same body that shared my bed and slept beside me every night for five years. The same body that held me and comforted me when I was upset. The same hands that stroked my hair until I fell asleep. The same chest I fell asleep on, listening to the heart beating within.
And now it’s just…an empty husk. Unmoving, inanimate, lifeless, rotting six feet underground.
I start to feel silly about speaking aloud to no one. But what the hell, I’m already here. I came here to talk to Scott, so here I am talking to Scott.
“You know, it’s kind of your fault that I’m in this situation,” I say. “If you were still around, I wouldn’t have even known that Cole existed.”
I try to imagine his answer. He’d probably laugh, and then say something about… About what?
My heart clenches. I’ve felt my memories of Scott slipping away, but I’ve never wanted to admit it. I used to be able to finish his sentences, and even predict what he’d say before the words came out of his mouth. It’s undeniable; the details are getting fuzzy. I know this is inevitable, but it still kills me inside.
I grab some Kleenex from my bag and blow my nose. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and flooding my nostrils, blocking my breathing.
“I’m sorry, honey,” I say through ugly sobs. “God. I miss you so much. You’d know what to do if you were here. You were always so good in a crisis. Please tell me what to do.”
Now that I’ve opened the floodgates, tears flow freely down my face. My shoulders shake with every sob, and I struggle to suck enough air to fill my lungs. I stop talking and start weeping.
“I love you, Scott,” I say. “You know that, right? I always will.”
I realize nobody can ever take Scott’s place. He was perfect. Kind and funny and generous and understanding. He always gave me the benefit of the doubt; he always trusted me.
Although maybe he shouldn’t have, considering I have slept with the guy who’s responsible for his death.
I still can’t believe it. How could Cole do this to me? I actually thought I’d finally found something that could make me happy again.
It’s not about the accident. I know that wasn’t Cole’s fault. Well, not entirely. Yes, he was behind the wheel, but he didn’t want it to happen either.
From what the police told me, the driver just lost his focus for a few seconds, and Scott was in a hurry as well. We all just happened to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time for those few seconds. It was a tragedy for everyone involved. Including Cole.
I’ve forgiven the driver a long time ago. That’s why I didn’t ask the police for any details about him — or her. I didn’t even know if the driver was male or female. I didn’t care.
<
br /> All I knew was, going after the driver wasn’t going to bring Scott back. He was never coming back. Ever.
Scott’s death sapped all the energy out of me. I barely had the strength to get up in the morning. Even if I wanted to, there was no fight left in me, no innate drive to seek punishment for the careless driver out of some misplaced sense of justice.
I just wanted to sleep. Sometimes, I dreamed about Scott. And sometimes, I woke up thinking Scott was sleeping soundly beside me, and I automatically reached my hand to his side of the bed.
The exact moment when I couldn’t find his warm body beside me and realized he was gone… That always felt like finding out about his death all over again, with fresh, physical pain tearing through my frail body, forcing the overworked ducts in my eyes to produce even more tears just when I thought they’d run dry.
In those first weeks, I lived for those moments when I could fool myself into thinking Scott was still around. They seemed worth the pain.
When the fog of grief had lifted up enough for me to look around me, I realized I had been living in la-la-land and ignoring all my responsibilities. I had become a burden to Alice.
So I decided to stop spinning fairy tales and live in the real world.
And then Cole happened. By deliberately keeping me in the dark about his role in the accident, he had single-handedly created the biggest lie of all in what I thought was my new life.
None of the career goals I’ve achieved since the accident are real. Not even my new boyfriend is real.
I haven’t built a new life for myself after the accident. Who am I kidding? It was Cole. Cole was the one who built a new life for me. On a foundation of lies and deception.
As my chest starts to burn, I narrow my eyes and fix my gaze at something familiar in the distance. Is that…?
Jet black business suit. A mess of dark brown hair. He’s walking with a slight slouch, but I’d recognize that tall figure anywhere.
What the fuck is Cole doing here?
I push myself up off the ground. I’m not running away today. Looking straight at him, I march across the cemetery, anger burning hot as coal in my rib cage.
Cole
“Emily. Thank God you’re here.”
“What are you doing here?” She's shaking as she approaches me, I realize with surprise. I've never seen her like this before, her face red with anger, her eyes ablaze, and her hands clenched into tight little fists. “How do you even know I’m here?”
“The phone I gave you. There’s a tracker on it. It must still be in your bag.” I stop on the grass a couple of feet before her and stumble all over my words.
There are so many things I need to tell her, but we don’t have much time. I managed to slip away from the office while two of my father’s new men went out to buy some food, but it won’t take them long to realize I’m missing.
“You put a tracker on me?” She looks like she’s about to erupt, like there’s red, hot anger boiling just beneath her skin, right on the cusp of spilling out into the world.
“It’s not like that,” I say in the calmest voice I can muster. Maybe if I keep my cool she’ll simmer down as well. “It’s an old phone that my family bought and they put trackers in all their phones. I never planned on putting a tracker specifically on your phone.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“I never meant to hurt you, Emily. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done it to help you. Please. At least believe me on that.” When she stays quiet, I decide I should probably find out exactly what Rick has told her. “Why do you feel like you shouldn’t believe me, baby?”
“Don’t call me baby. Not after everything you’ve done. How long did you think you were going to hide the fact that you were the driver of the car that hit us that night? You killed Scott and destroyed my whole life!”
“Please, hear me out. I never meant to do any of those things to you, believe me. I’m an asshole, yes, but I’m not a murderer. It was an accident.”
“Oh, was it an accident too that you hired me and then made me trust you, when you were hiding such a big lie from me?” Her voice is breaking. That’s even worse than the shouting. It makes me want to run to her and scoop her up in my arms. I wish I can stroke her hair and tell her everything’s going to be fine, tell her I’ll keep her safe and take care of everything.
But I have a feeling, if I take even one step closer, she’s going to bolt like a scared wild squirrel and I’m never going to see her again.
“It wasn’t an accident that I hired you. I saw that you were struggling to find work, so I gave you work. And I never planned to fall for you, but I did. I wanted to tell you everything, but I was waiting for the right time. And I see now that I was wrong to not tell you everything from the start. I’m so, so, so sorry.”
“How did you even know I was struggling to find work? Were you always spying on me? What else are you hiding from me?” She’s shouting at the top of her lungs now, and the handful of people in the cemetery are turning their heads to watch us.
“Can we please sit down somewhere and have a talk? I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”
“It’s too late for that now, Cole. We worked at the same office for months. You’ve had millions of opportunities to tell me!”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right, Emily. I’ll tell you everything right here, right now.” At least if I’m the one talking, there will be no shouting to attract people’s attention. The way people are looking at us with worry on their faces, it’s only a matter of time until one nosy person comes along and “rescues” Emily from me.
“Fine. Tell me.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest. Under normal circumstances, I’d be staring at the way her stance pushes out her perky breasts, but this is no time to be distracted, although it’s incredible how good she looks with no make-up and an outfit she has clearly just thrown together.
“Okay. Firstly, I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you as soon as you left the bar last night. My family...disapproves. And they’ve got people watching me so I don’t call you or come looking for you. You know about the tracker now. That’s the kind of thing that they do. They’re paranoid criminals.”
“Maybe they just know that it’s a bad idea for you to have anything to do with me. Maybe they have a point.” Emily’s tone is still angry, but at least she’s not shouting anymore now that she’s curious enough to listen.
“I was hoping to see you at the office this morning.” I admit she has a point. Emily probably would’ve been better off had I stayed away from her. But there’s no point talking about that right now. That’s all done and in the past. I need to focus on what to do from this point on. I need to get my whole story out or I’ll run out of time. And then I’ll never get another chance to beg for her forgiveness again.
“I’m not working there anymore. You’re crazy if you think I’m going back,” she says.
“Fair enough. It would’ve been easier for me to sneak out and find you if you were at the office. I’ve also been to Alice’s apartment, but you weren’t there. And then I remembered that you still had the phone I gave you. On the off chance that you still had it, I checked the tracker and found you here. I promise you, I never planned to put a tracker on you.” I look at Emily expectantly, hoping to see if that softens her heart a little bit.
“Go on,” she says, raising her eyebrows.
“On the night of the accident, if you remember, it was dark and raining. There was a storm. The winds were really strong. My phone was ringing, and I reached for it on the passenger seat to reject the call. I took my eyes off the road for a split second, and…” My voice trails off.
“...and you hit us.” Emily finishes my sentence. She presses her lips together and forces her eyes wide to stop the tears in her eyes from falling, but I can see how much sadness she’s holding back.
“Yes. That’s when the accident happened.” I’ve practiced telling this story to Emily thousands of times before when I’ve b
een awake in the dark, tortured with guilt. But now that the time has come, I still can’t find the right words to say.
“Why did you remember seeing me in that bar? I’d only been there once before,” she says in a small, shaky voice.
“I, uh, I just thought you looked beautiful. I wanted to talk to you, but you disappeared before I had a chance to. We must’ve left the bar at about the same time.”
My phone starts ringing. Fuck. This is the worst time. I dig into my pocket and glance down just long enough to tap the red “Decline” button on my phone.
“Do you have somewhere else you’d rather be?” She asks with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
“Absolutely not.” I softly shake my head. “There’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than wherever you are.”
“I have to ask. Did you do it on purpose?” She stares intensely at my face like she’s looking for answers.
“Fuck, Emily.” That hurts. “Of course not. I can see why you’d think that, because I saw you at the bar, but I didn’t chase your car if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“But you did follow me after the accident?”
“Yes, I did.” When I see sadness clouding her features, I quickly add, “But it was just to make sure you were doing fine.”
“I’d be doing fine already by now if it wasn’t for you.” Emily’s expression hardens.
The phone rings again, and I shut it off without even looking at it. That must be my father or one of his men. And I’m sure whoever it is won’t hesitate to put me in a world of pain if they find out where I am and what I’m doing.
But right now it seems more important that I don’t cause Emily more pain than she’s already in. I can handle whatever my father dishes out, but Emily… I have to do everything I can to make Emily safe and happy.
“Look, Emily. Can I please see you tomorrow? There’s something I need to show you. I have a plan.”