by Dean, Ali
Maybe if I hadn’t been so consumed by revenge, so afraid of my father forgetting me, I could have had more time with him. Would Mom be disappointed in me? Hazel had been. She’d been the one to give me at least a few weeks with him. Told me to spend time with my dad, even if it hurt. Mom would have done the same thing.
Mom. I missed her still. There’d never been anyone to talk to about it either. It was too painful for Dad. Hazel didn’t even have a mom, so how could I ask her to help me mourn losing my own? I wish Mom could have seen me falling in love.
“I’m going to get Hazel. If I don’t, she’ll probably break in anyway.”
Hazel. I missed her, too.
I heard a door click shut a moment later, and I knew it was her even before she took my hand in both of hers. I was expecting it to hurt, but instead her touch sent warmth through my stiff bones; the numbness in my limbs disintegrated, replaced by tingles. The crusty sensation around my eyes, the dryness in my cracked lips, felt soothed. It figured Hazel would do what the machines and doctors hadn’t yet. She was more than a balm to my broken soul. She could heal me with her presence alone.
My eyes fluttered open when she said my name.
“Hazel.” I tried to respond, but even as my mouth formed the word, nothing came out. I attempted a swallow to lubricate my vocal cords. There’d been no energy and no will to use them until now.
“Hazel.” Her name came out but it was more like a crackling sound.
She gave me a half smile. “You’re back.”
“You brought me back.”
“We’re all here for you Cruz, okay? It’ll get better. And we’re here.”
My eyes fell shut again as her words pierced as sharp as a needle into my heart. Better? Last time I thought it was getting better, I lost my dad. He was physically there at the hospital, but he wasn’t really my dad. Was it wrong to think that it might have been easier if he was really gone? Bile rose in my throat at that thought. I was disgusted with myself for allowing it in, for acknowledging it.
“Don’t make me hope,” I told her, the words coming but my eyelids too heavy to lift again. I couldn’t handle hoping Dad would come back only to have him attack me again with accusations and unfounded suspicions. “Can’t you just be here without any promises?”
Hazel didn’t say anything and her silence forced me to make the effort to open my eyes again. Tears were flowing down her cheeks now but she didn’t pull her hands away from mine to wipe them.
“Oh, we’re here. And we’re not going anywhere. Even when you try to suffocate yourself in pity. You deserve a pity party, Cruz, more than anyone. But if you try to escape your grief and hurt and anger alone one more time, I’ll…” Her eyes drifted to the ceiling as she contemplated a worthy threat.
I felt the side of my mouth tilt in the tiniest of smirks as I took in this beautiful woman at my hospital bed, trying to comfort me with threats. This was how Hazel showed her strength and loyalty, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My smirk dropped when she completed the thought. Her eyes landed on mine and she leaned forward. “If you go rogue with your pain again, I’ll withhold kisses for a year.”
“You wouldn’t.” A year? Damn, that was harsh.
“I’m serious, Cruz. These lips will not touch yours for an entire year if you pull anything like what you did to end up like this. Mitch, my dad, those guys in the waiting room out there? They’re family. We don’t operate alone. Not for something like this. Got it?”
I almost smirked again but thought I’d try milking the pity card. “Hazel, I was beaten half to death and you’re threatening to refrain from physical contact next time I’m having a hard time coping. What’s a guy got to do around here to get a little sympathy?”
She narrowed her eyes and sat back in her chair, her hands slipping from around mine. Okay, maybe trying the pathetic route wasn’t the way to go with Hazel. I should’ve known better.
She put up a finger. “First of all, there won’t be a next time.” A second finger went up. “Second of all, I didn’t say no physical contact. Details, Cruz, details. I’m not that heartless. Or a total martyr either. Third of all, you’re not getting sympathy from me, or from any of the guys. Maybe Emmett, because he’s Emmett, but definitely not Spike. He’s kind of scary right now.”
Shit. She wasn’t holding back. It made me feel all kinds of things, and mostly, it made me hope. I hadn’t wanted that, but with Hazel and her fiery attitude beside me, it wasn’t only glimpses of possibilities tugging me out of the clouds I’d been sleeping in. It made everything go from shades of grey, black and white tones, to full-on color. Whether I was ready for it or not, Hazel was forcing me to see the world as it was, in all its brutal brightness. The joy and the pain.
“We love you,” she said. “And we’re here,” she reiterated. “But that doesn’t mean we’re not mad as hell at what you did. That you didn’t come to us.”
“Okay, Hazel, I got it.” I’d had enough. It was my turn to make demands. “I’ll make up for it. Maybe I’ll even grovel and apologize. But right now? Right now, I’ve still got the kissing privilege, so, can we do something about that?”
She rolled her eyes first, but she gave me what I wanted. Tongue too, enough to let me know that certain parts of my body were still working just fine.
We heard the door open and Bodhi’s voice. “If you’re lucid enough to have your tongue down my cousin’s throat, you should’ve been able to give us a call, man.”
Hazel pulled away to sit back down and I moved my eyes to the door to see my four friends and grandfather crowding into the small hospital room. Bodhi’s greeting conveyed he was relieved to see me okay but that he wasn’t giving me a free pass on “going rogue” as Hazel had called it. She’d prepared me. I knew this wouldn’t be a giant pity party. That’s not how we operated.
“Man, I don’t need to be lucid for that. Gorgeous girl at my hospital bedside? I might not have your level of skills, but I know how to work my game. Even if I didn’t remember her name or why she was here I’d still be trying to kiss her.”
Bodhi moved to stand over me, hands on hips. “Not helping your cause, man.”
My bed was surrounded now by Hazel and five guys, but I caught a glimpse of a nurse bustling in, looking slightly overwhelmed and frazzled.
“One visitor at a time, please,” she said.
“I’m okay,” I protested. And I was.
“That’s the morphine we’re pumping you with,” the nurse said with disapproval. No one made a move to leave though.
The nurse huffed. “Fine. Ten minutes. That’s it.” She didn’t leave though; I saw her hovering by the doorway.
Mitch told me, “You were unconscious when you got here. You might feel fine now, but your head took a hit. You’ve had a traumatic brain injury.”
The emotion behind his words told me he wasn’t bluffing.
Looking around at the people surrounding my bed, I was able to recognize just how devastated they were. I knew I must have looked pretty bad. I remembered the doctor talking to me about a TBI, a traumatic brain injury, but the severity of it was yet to be determined. Hell, I had a lot of questions.
“What day is it?”
“Monday night,” Moody answered. My throat was dry again, but before I had a chance to swallow and fire another question, Moody explained more. “Blake Carmen and someone else dropped you off at the ER early Sunday morning. You’ve been in and out of consciousness since. Other than your head and bruises though, you don’t have any major injuries. Easton Wagner and Keegan and Neil Malone are in worse shape.”
“Like Mitch said, you’re damn lucky,” Bodhi added.
I almost laughed. These guys knew how to play tough love. “Lucky? Really? That’s what we’re going with?”
Spike finally spoke up, and Hazel wasn’t messing, he was pissed. “We thought you were dead, Cruz. Last we saw you was at the hospital Saturday, and we had no idea what was going on with you or your dad. None of us heard a wor
d from you since Mitch dropped you at your bike on campus Saturday night.”
Damn. Maybe I deserved his wrath. Dead? Really? My head was starting to hurt as I recognized exactly why they would have reached that conclusion. Friday night. The baseball bats. Saturday, the call from Drew about the fire. The hospital. No, backtrack. The decision. We’d decided to pull the trigger.
My head exploded with pain as it went into overdrive trying to keep up.
I cringed, and the monitor started beeping. The nurse rushed forward, pushing between Emmett and Bodhi.
“Everyone out,” she demanded.
“I’m fine. Really.” But my voice sounded weak. Blackness dotted my vision. And then I was out.
Chapter 5
Hazel
It was the middle of the night when he woke up again. This time, we went in one by one. Spike went first. None of us had slept a blink, but Spike hadn’t even sat down. He blamed himself for Cruz passing out. It could have been the harsh truths Spike threw his way, but even with the nurse’s frustration at our presence, she told us he’d been going in and out like this since he’d been admitted.
I let everyone else talk to Cruz first since I’d already had a moment with him. The guys updated me, confirming what we already assumed. Cruz had taken on each of the three guys solo. He was headed back to his bike when the rest of the team jumped him.
By the time I got to his room, he was fading. I’d probably get scolded, but I managed to climb into the hospital bed beside him without setting off any monitors.
I rested my head on his shoulder. Exhaustion finally hit me when I felt his warm breath on my cheek.
I thought he was falling asleep beside me when I heard his groggy voice. “You really thought I was dead?”
“I knew you couldn’t be. We’ve still got too much fighting to do.”
“I’m tired of fighting.”
“Good thing you only brought me into this war a few weeks ago,” I told him. “I’ve got enough energy to fight for the both of us.”
“I don’t want you to be a casualty. Like I am right now, like Dad, like Mom. Hazel, I just wanted to keep you safe. All this time.”
“I know, Cruz. I’m here. Safe. I got whacked by a cleat in my thigh at practice earlier, but I’m otherwise totally unharmed.”
More than anything, I knew Cruz needed to keep being reminded we were all here for him, not going anywhere.
* * *
We skipped school for the next three days. Cruz had to be monitored a little longer before they discharged him, and we alternated between naps and showers at a hotel across the street and sitting by Cruz. We could’ve headed back to Defiance Falls and taken shifts, but we were all on edge.
“Any word on the Malones?” I asked Moody as we walked back from the hotel on Thursday toward the hospital.
“Which ones?”
“All of them.”
“As soon as Neil’s discharged he’s got a hearing with a judge. Keegan doesn’t have a solid role yet in the enterprise, if you recall. He’s been on the outskirts like Branden and Sean. Learning the ropes. They all did some runs here and there, but I’m guessing the cops are waiting to see how things fall with the bigger players before going after the smaller fish.”
“So, Seamus isn’t getting out on bail?”
“Nope. Too much money, and too many resources. Flight risk. Same with his brother and relatives. But that doesn’t mean we’re safe.”
I almost threw Moody a punch in the arm for that last comment. “I know that. We all know that, if Cruz’s situation hadn’t made it clear already.”
“Right. I just mean, even behind bars, Seamus has plenty of contacts. Hell, he probably has half the inmates and most of the prison employees on his payroll.”
I froze mid-stride. “Remind me what the point of all this is if he’s still able to be Seamus Malone and run organized crime from a jail cell.”
I was so damn tired and cranky. I tried not to snap at Moody like it was his fault, but it came out that way. He was patient though, used to being smarter than everyone and having to dumb things down a notch.
“Seamus and the others are only in the local jail for a short time. They’ll go to a higher security prison soon. If they get caught doing anything illegal in high security, they could end up in the supermax prison, where they’ll basically be in solitary confinement twenty-three hours a day.”
“Oh.” That sounded pretty terrible. But now I was curious. “What do you think would be worse – solitary confinement all the time or a regular high security prison?”
“Both would be a terrible way to live out the rest of your life. Not exactly humane conditions.” Moody began to describe what the day to day would be like in either of these places with enough detail you’d think he’d spent a life time studying both places.
“Do you have a photographic memory?” I wondered as we entered the hospital.
He didn’t get a chance to answer my question.
Bodhi and Ruby Firestone were standing in the lobby, whisper-shouting at each other.
“You can’t be here! We’re right near campus, anyone could see you and tell him!”
Ruby threw her hands in the air. “I thought it was over now! Neil’s going straight to jail as soon as he’s discharged.”
“It’s not over, Ruby. It’s only just started.”
“Just started? I never know what’s going on. It was only luck that I heard about Cruz being here. How am I supposed to feel? How do I deal? You want me to keep pretending I’m Neil’s girlfriend!” She was outright shouting now and I tried tugging her through the doors before anyone in the lobby area heard too much.
Bodhi was still invested in the argument as Moody shoved him through the door. “You’re not pretending. He was your boyfriend. Your real one.”
Ruby shook her head as she pulled away from me. “So that’s it? Now that you don’t need information from me, I’m worthless? Now that I can’t give you anything useful, I have no purpose?”
At least we were outside now, and there didn’t seem to be anyone nearby listening.
Bodhi grabbed her elbows. “Shut up. Stop talking. Just, stop.” He was breathing heavily, and I felt like an intruder. They were oblivious to our presence.
“This is about your safety. Not your value.”
I kind of wanted to smack my cousin for being so clueless. Give the girl some validation already. Instead I gestured to Moody. He looked around, confirming no one was lingering around listening now, and we left them alone on the sidewalk.
Moody glanced at me as we took our seats in the waiting room.
“They’re almost as hard to watch as you and Cruz.”
I sent an elbow to his ribs and he pretended to keel over in pain. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The torture you all go through in the name of love. I hope like hell that doesn’t ever happen to me.”
I laughed. “We weren’t tortured. Bodhi’s not tortured. He’s living it up just fine. I never knew you were so dramatic, sheesh.”
“I’m not dramatic. But I do have an excellent memory, photographic or not, which means I remember every time you and Cruz snuck peeks at each other over the years when you thought no one was watching, and your reactions when you thought the other had moved on. Even for a guy with a relatively low emotional IQ, it was obvious to me how you felt.”
I crossed my arms and huffed. “Whatever. Wasn’t obvious to me how he felt.”
“Isn’t obvious to Bodhi or Ruby from the looks of it either.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Mm-hmmm,” he said noncommittally.
“It’ll happen to you someday, Moody.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I like to think I can prevent it but I’ve seen enough to know that I might not get a choice.”
He sounded so depressed about the prospect of falling in love I had to struggle not to laugh.
Spike and Emmett opened the door from the wing where Cruz was stayin
g. Spike was grinning and rubbing his palms together and when Emmett saw us he did a little jig. “Our boy’s getting discharged, baby!”
“What?” I shot up from my chair, not expecting this news. “But what about his head?” He’d still been sleeping a ton and getting headaches.
Spike rolled back his shoulders. “He’ll need babysitters. So, slumber party at the Spot.”
Emmett was still smiling and Moody was up now too, rocking back on his heels. I knew I should be celebrating too, but… “Less than three days ago he couldn’t even handle responding to our text messages, and now they’re kicking him out?”
Emmett’s smile dropped but Spike took a step forward and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He wasn’t as out of it as he played. Cruz didn’t know how he’d gotten to the hospital or what was happening with the Malone takedown. His cell bit the dust somewhere in the beatdown and he doesn’t have it. He should’ve asked to borrow a nurse’s or something to call one of us, but was trying to get his bearings. Make sure he wasn’t in a room next to Neil and that the nurses weren’t on the Malones’ payroll.”
“And when he cringes from headaches and falls asleep mid-conversation?” I challenged. He hadn’t actually fallen asleep mid-conversation since Tuesday morning, but still.
Emmett stepped closer and put a hand on my lower back. “Cuz, he’s been in and out of consciousness and does have a head injury. He’s going to get headaches and needs to take it easy. But there’s no swelling or whatever, nothing serious enough to keep him here.”
I wasn’t sure why I was resisting it. I guess I’d felt like we had this little safe bubble where we could process and deal with shit for a few days, and now we were headed right back to the real world.
Back to school, where I’d become a spectacle. Back to my email inbox, filled with messages from college coaches and their players. My voicemail, where I had to deal with the way I’d left things with Harvard. Soccer practice, and the team I was supposed to be leading but felt so disconnected from right now.
Moody added, “Jake got discharged a couple days ago too. He doesn’t really seem to remember what happened when Cruz visited him at the hospital on Saturday.”