*****
The day after João died, Sierra went to Pegasus. She had to see River.
He was there working; schooling a horse in the outdoor arena over a course of low jumps. She watched him without letting him know she was there, staying back in the shade of a tree where she found Storm resting. He rode a horse she didn’t recognize, a large bay that looked like a warmblood breed, probably a horse brought in for Tess to train. As usual, she marveled at the magic of watching River move in harmony with the animal he rode; quietly communicating through aids that she could never detect.
When he finished the session and dismounted, Sierra stepped out from the shade and went up to him. “Hi, River.”
He looked at her with narrowed eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“You know why I’m here.”
“Sierra, please go away. I can’t talk about it.”
She didn’t say anything but kept walking next to him as he led the bay to the stable.
“Please…go,” he said again.
“He was my friend too.”
“Go away.” River stopped abruptly and faced her.
“No, River, we can help each other.”
He glared at her but Sierra refused to give in to his mood. He muttered something through clenched teeth and abruptly turned away, leading the horse into the crossties; ignoring her.
Sierra gave up, and scuffling her feet as she studied the ground, slowly walked away, her shoulders slumped in dejection.
“Sierra, eet ees so good to see you!” Manuel exclaimed as he strode up from the lane leading a horse in from the paddock.
Sierra looked up and smiled at her old friend. “Hi, Manuel, how’ve you been?”
“Good, good, but meessing you. Nobody, dees girls, no work like you.”
“Thanks, Manuel, it’s kind of you to say so.” Sierra fell into step alongside him. “How’s Rosa?”
“Good, she doing good. You come to the trailer to see.”
“I would like to; but you know Tess told me to stay away from here,” Sierra explained.
Manuel nodded, and then his face shifted into a more serious expression. “Do you know what ‘appen now to Reever?” he asked.
Sierra told him about João. Manuel nodded in understanding as he listened.
“Well, I gotta go,” Sierra said as they reached the stable doors. “I’m taking care of our friend’s horse until arrangements are made for him, so I’ve got to go there now.”
“You bring dees ‘orse ‘ere, no?” Manuel suggested.
“I don’t know what will happen,” Sierra sighed. “Say hi to Rosa.” They said goodbye and Sierra left to take care of Fiel before she went home.
*****
32 Fiel
Horses change lives. They give our young people confidence and self-esteem. They provide peace and tranquility to troubled souls – they give us hope! – Toni Robinson.
*****
João had left instructions with his lawyer expressing his wishes in case of his death. He wanted his body cremated and the ashes sent back to his father’s old farm in Portugal. He requested no formal funeral or any type of ceremony. If his friends wished, he hoped they might get together to celebrate the accomplishments of his life; not to mourn him.
But the dead really have no say once they are gone. João had made many friends during his racing career and then in his consulting business. A few of them arranged a memorial service held at the local Catholic church.
Sierra and Pam attended. Sierra was not surprised by the crowd of people who came to say goodbye; all strangers to her except River’s father sitting a few rows away. Where is River? Well, no surprise; he did have a tendency to avoid situations that upset him. But after the ceremony, she caught a fleeting glimpse of him at the back of the church, leaving ahead of the crowd. At least he came.
A few days after the memorial service, Mr. Tanglewilde, João’s lawyer, called to make an appointment with Pam. He was willing to come to the cottage.
“Mr. Mateus left a will,” the lawyer informed Pam and Sierra. They sat at the kitchen table. Pam had made coffee and she and the lawyer each had a mug in front of them.
“I don’t know if you are aware of his financial situation,” Mr. Tanglewilde began, as he reached into to his brief case and brought out a fat folder. Pam and Sierra both shook their heads no. “He was actually quite well off; having made some very wise investments, a good life insurance policy, and also well-compensated in his consulting work. He was a very smart man.” Mr. Tanglewilde coughed and adjusted his glasses as he opened the folder and studied a paper in front of him as if he had never seen it before. “Let me acquaint you with the terms of his will that apply to you or may interest you.”
“He has left a considerable sum of money to his one living relative, a sister in Portugal. He has made several donations to charitable organizations including one that rescues abused domestic animals.” He coughed again, and took a swig of coffee. “To River Girard, he has set up a fund that will finance one hundred percent of a college education. This fund will exist until River uses it for his education or until he reaches the age of fifty. If by that age he has not chosen to avail himself of a college education, then the money will be donated to the following charities.” Mr. Tanglewilde read off the names.
Sierra gasped. João has given River a college education! And she hoped with all her heart that he would take advantage of the generous gift.
“To Sierra Landsing, he leaves his registered Lusitano gelding, Fiel; and all possessions that relate to his care and riding, including grooming equipment, halters, bridles, saddles, and other miscellaneous gear. In addition, he has placed in a fund, monies that are to be used for the care of Fiel, including but not limited to board, veterinary fees, farrier expenses, equipment for horse and rider, entry fees, and other miscellaneous expenses.” He then passed across the table to Sierra a paper with the terms of the fund and the amount of money. She could barely believe what she read. It was enough money to care for a horse for at least ten years and perhaps longer. The lawyer waited while she looked the paper over, and then passed it to Pam.
Sierra sat as still as stone, feeling paralyzed while Mr. Tanglewilde continued reading. João bequeathed enough money for Pam to finish her nursing education as well as cover living expenses so that she would not need to work while attending school. He left a generous amount of money in a separate trust fund for River, set up in such a way that River’s father could not access the account. He left his truck and horse trailer to Pam. The lawyer told them that João had requested that he continue to assist them in managing the money, to help them with any taxes related to inheritance, and that he had been provided with a fund to assure he would be compensated for his services to Pam and her daughter.
João’s death dramatically changed Sierra’s and her mother’s lives.
*****
The day after hearing the terms of the will, Sierra returned to Pegasus about the time she knew River would be finished with chores and leaving for the day. She waited in the lane, hoping to confront him on his way home. Her timing was perfect; within ten minutes she saw him and Storm.
“River.” Sierra stepped into his path.
He glared at her, stepped around and kept walking.
She followed and grabbed his arm. “Why are you mad at me?” He jerked his arm away and increased his pace. She kept up with him. “River, stop this!”
He did stop and whirled to face her. “Sierra, can’t you please just leave me alone?”
“I don’t understand why you’re so mad at me.” She felt tears forming and gulped hard to hold them back.
“I’m not mad at you. It just hurts too much to see you.” He turned away, hugging himself tightly, but at least didn’t walk away.
Sierra stood frozen, staring at his back. He kicked at a stone in the lane, then bent down, picked it up and flung it into the woods as hard as he could. She could feel his violent rage from where she timidly stood, a few fe
et away. Storm sat looking back and forth between them, her posture tense and alert. She never even glanced in the direction of the rock.
“It hurts me to have you reject me,” Sierra said to his back.
“I can’t help that.” He started to walk away again.
Sierra could stand it no longer. She ran after him, repeating…shouting, “Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.” She grabbed his arm again and held on with all her strength as he tried to pull it free. “Yes…you can!” She was sobbing now, no longer able to hold back the tears. “Please, River. I’ve lost João. I can’t stand to lose you too.”
River gave up. He stopped and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest, his cheek nestled into her hair. Sierra reached around his waist, holding equally as tight, and buried her face into the smell of him. Like her mother whose particular scent was a comfort to her, the smell of River seeped in through her nostrils, a balm that soothed the painful, raw spots inside.
They stood in the lane, holding onto each other until Sierra’s sobs finally subsided. The sun was setting and the nights of September chilled quickly after sundown. But she felt warm and comforted within River’s arms. She felt his chest rise and fall as he sighed deeply and he whispered into her hair, “Sierra.”
She shivered, but not from cold.
“You’re cold,” he stated. “I’ll walk you home.”
“I need to take care of Fiel first.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you.” River released his hold but kept one arm around her shoulders so she kept an arm around his waist as they resumed walking. Soon, he led her off the path and onto a shortcut that led between Pegasus and João’s place. It passed behind a field and in the twilight Sierra spied her cottage. She realized this was how River had known where she lived. They walked in silence except for her sniffling.
“My mom will wonder why I’m so late,” Sierra said, noticing the deepening shadows. She reluctantly released her hold of River to pull her cell phone from her pocket and pressed the number for Pam’s cell.
“Sierra, it’s almost dark. Where are you?”
“I’m just on my way now to take care of Fiel. River is with me and he’ll walk me home.”
“Are you okay?” Pam asked in a worried tone.
“Yes, I’m okay. I won’t be long.”
“I’ll come pick you up.”
“I’m fine, Mom, you don’t need to.”
“I’m on my way,” and Pam disconnected.
“My mom’s going to pick me up. You should come back with us for dinner.” They had just walked up behind the barn, and Sierra heard Fiel’s loud whinny, demanding to know why she was so late.
“Sierra,” River stopped and turned her to face him. She ducked her head to hide her tear-ravaged face. He gently lifted her chin so that she had to meet his eyes. “You are the sweetest person I know. It’s more than I can bear right now and I don’t know if I can face your mom too.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, feeling confused.
He shook his head and let go and they resumed walking. They reached the pasture gate where Fiel stood waiting, rumbling reprimands. Sierra slipped on his halter and walked him into the barn, River walking at her side. She led Fiel into his stall and slipped off his halter.
River gathered up Fiel’s hay allotment while Sierra doled out his grain ration into a bucket, and the two fed the eager horse. They stood side by side, leaning their arms on top of the stall, quietly watching Fiel eat; finding some comfort in his obvious contentment.
Sierra asked again, “I don’t understand why you find it hard to be with me. Don’t you know that friends help each other?”
River’s face creased into a frown as he struggled to find the words he wanted. Finally he answered, “You look at me with eyes that know exactly how I feel. Why does it hurt more, to know that you know how much I hurt?”
“But River, don’t you see in my eyes how much I hurt too?”
“Yeah, I see that too.”
“We both loved João. We can share our memories. That helps keep him alive.”
“He’s dead, Sierra.” River’s hands balled into fists. Then he laughed without humor. “He gives you a horse and me a college education. How fair is that?”
“Do you want Fiel?” she asked, stunned. It hadn’t occurred to her that River might want João’s horse.
“No, I’m glad you have Fiel. It’s just that I’d have more use for a horse than a college education.”
Sierra, thinking deeply, watched Fiel with his muzzle buried in the manger, his eyes closed as he contentedly chewed his oats. “I know why he did it,” she said after sorting through her thoughts. Silence, but she waited him out.
Finally, River asked, “Why?”
“Because he knew you would always be around horses. You didn’t need him to give you a horse. He wanted you to have an education, something you would never do for yourself.
“He knew that I’ll manage to get through college somehow, whether scholarships, working my way, student loans; whatever it takes. But he knew that I would give up having a horse if I had to, either to get through school or to help my mom. He gave me what I might not give myself.”
She could feel River thinking about what she had said. Suddenly, he released his fists and dropped his head onto his arms. “Why does everyone I love get taken away?” he asked the question muffled through his sleeve. Then he pushed away from the stall and staggered over to the hay bales where he dropped to his knees with his back to Sierra, his shoulders hunched and shaking with silent sobs. Her heart burst with his pain.
She waited a few minutes for the most violent sobbing to subside; then went over and kneeling beside him, put her arms around his shoulders. He did not pull away, and after a few minutes, shifted so that he could pull her into his arms. For the second time that night, they held onto each other; comforting each other. Sierra thought she was cried out, but tears welled up in her eyes again.
Keeping his face buried and in a choked voice, River said, “I shouldn’t care about you. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you too.”
“I’m glad you care about me. That’s a good thing.”
“It’s just that bad things happen to everyone I care about.”
Storm entered the barn from wherever she had been wandering outside, looking for Charlie. Whining, she ran up to the two kids, and tried to lick River’s face. He moved away from Sierra and leaned back against the hay bales, wiping his eyes.
“River, nothing bad is going to happen to me. Why do you say things like that?”
River stroked Storm’s head as she wriggled onto his legs that he had stretched out in front of him. “Everyone I care about gets hurt; João, Magic…my mother. You could be next.”
Sierra shifted herself to lean against his shoulder with her back to the hay. “That’s ridiculous. Bad things happen in life…they just happen. It’s not your fault.”
“It feels like my fault.”
“There’s nothing you could have done for João; nothing any of us could have done…or for Magic.”
“But maybe him worrying about me and all the frustration I caused him doing bad in school stressed his heart.”
“River, he loved you. Love is a good thing. Of course he worried about you. My mother worries about me. Without people to love, our hearts are empty and I think that’s much harder on a heart. My mother says he had unfortunate genetics; he inherited his heart disease and probably his smoking harmed him much more than worrying about you.”
River thought about that, unconsciously comforting himself as he stroked Storm’s soft fur. “Maybe,” he said, barely above a whisper.
“No maybe about it,” Sierra insisted.
He sniffed and looked at her sideways with wet, puffy eyes. With a weak laugh he said, “You’re so much smarter than me.”
“Sometimes,” she smiled back at him.
They heard a car pulling into the driveway and Sierra knew her mother
had arrived.
“I don’t want your mother to see me right now. Can you just go?” River ducked his head away, staring intently at Storm.
Sierra studied him, wondering if she should leave him alone.
“Please?” he looked up to meet her eyes. “I’ll be okay. I just want to stay here for awhile…here at João’s place with Storm and Fiel. I’ll shut the lights out when I leave.”
“Okay,” she finally agreed. “But I’m not going to let you shut me out of your life.”
“Okay, good.” He smiled and ducked his head again.
Sierra leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. Then she rose, looked one last time at Fiel contentedly eating, and went out to the car.
*****
Epilogue
All horses deserve, at least once in their lives, to be loved by a little girl. – Author Unknown.
*****
In the weeks that followed, Pam dropped Sierra off at João’s place early each morning on her way to the university or the hospital. Sierra fed Fiel, cleaned his stall, and then worked on homework until Fiel finished his breakfast. Then she turned him out into the pasture and rushed home to shower and change for school.
The Girl Who Loves Horses (Pegasus Equestrian Center Series) Page 25