‘I understand,’ said Red, trembling, ‘but I’m still no daeing it.’
‘Scarlet, let me put it to you another way,’ said the Wolf, turning on his gentle, charming voice once more. ‘You (a human) asked me (a wolf) to kill your grandmother (a human. A blood relative, no less!). I (a wolf) am asking you (a human) to kill some pigs. I’ve never killed my own kind, so which of us is truly evil?’
‘You’re right,’ said Red, nodding bitterly. ‘I am eviller than you. But the best I can dae is no get any worse.’
‘My dear Scarlet, do you really think I planned on giving you a choice? I hate to do this to you, but whenever I eat someone, I always leave part of them – an arm or a leg, usually – just in case I need to … persuade someone to follow my advice.’
Red clapped a hand over her mouth.
‘I see you understand me. I can arrange for the police to find evidence that you alone killed your grandmother and you will spend the best years of your life behind bars. Or you can spend them with me, living in luxury and comfort. You can be free, Scarlet.’
‘I don’t deserve to be free.’
The Wolf chuckled. ‘Deserving or not deserving … another human concept that doesn’t mean very much. Forget what you deserve and do what you want. If you want to go to jail, I will put you there, and find someone else to be my friend. If you don’t want to go to jail, do exactly as I say.’
CHAPTER 12
‘I think I’m going to like it here,’ Rapunzel said of her luxury home, throwing herself backwards onto the sofa.
‘Me, too!’ squealed Upenda, turning a cartwheel across the living room floor.
‘Glad you like it,’ said Jack, snuggling beside Rapunzel. ‘Everything’s going to be alright now.’
Rapunzel got a faraway look in her eyes. ‘I hope so, Jack,’ she said, softly. ‘I really do.’
Her manner worried Jack. She was his wife-to-be, yet there was so much he didn’t know about her, so much pain inside her he couldn’t make better.
Finally, he asked what he knew she didn’t want him to, but he had wanted to for so long: ‘Punzy, why did you leave your country?’
She sat upright and shrugged him off. ‘I cannot tell you. Jack, I cannot. There is too much shame.’
‘Och, just tell him, Mum,’ said Upenda. ‘It’s really no that big a deal.’
‘Upenda knows and I don’t?’ said Jack, trying not to pout.
‘It is nothing to do with you,’ Rapunzel insisted.
Upenda turned suddenly grave. ‘He’s back, Mum. You were afraid he might find us, you hoped he wouldnae … well he has. He came to me when I was in care. I didnae want to tell you … but don’t you tell me it’s nothing to do wi’ me, because it’s everything to do wi’ me. And Jack needs to know.’
Rapunzel was trembling. ‘You promised you’d tell me immediately if you saw him.’
‘I didnae want you to be like you are now.’
‘Knowing his name will not protect you forever. I need to know at once if he is near!’
‘Who?’ demanded Jack. ‘Who are you talking aboot?’
Rapunzel squeezed her eyes shut and began her story.
‘When I was quite young, my father had a friend whose daughter was cleverer, prettier and better at sports than me. He used to come home drunk and beg me to be good at something. I would cry myself to sleep, as I believed I was good at nothing. I said, “But father, my hair is twice as long as my body. Is that not wonderful? Does that not make me special?” He flew into a rage and cut it all off. But it grew back even longer.
‘When my father died, I thought I was a horrible person because even though I was sad, a part of me was a little bit relieved. And I swore that I would never again let anyone cut my hair.
‘My father could not be proud of me as I was, so he lied about me, so he could pretend to be proud. He said that I could spin straw into gold.
‘The King of my country came to hear of this, and for some reason he came to believe it.
‘He said he would marry me. My father was pleased, as we were poor, but I was not pleased, as the King was ugly and smelled strange. I had no choice.
‘I was less pleased still when I found out that he believed I could spin straw into gold, and would chop my head off if I did not.
‘He locked me in a cellar filled with straw and a spinning wheel, and told me he expected it all turned to gold by morning or I would die.
‘I was hysterical. I cried and cried.
‘A hooded figure appeared to me and asked me why I was crying. He said he could help me but there would be a price. I said, “But I have nothing.” He said that I could give him a child. So I agreed, and he spun the straw into gold, and I bore him a child, and the king did not execute me.
‘I came to love the child growing inside me, and I knew I could not let this creature take it away from me forever, but I knew no way to stop him.
‘So I went to the library and I read and I read, and I found out that the creature was a Dark Elf and that guessing a Dark Elf’s name gave you power over him. I also discovered that if you challenge him to the name game, he is powerless for three days while you try to guess his name.
‘When the creature came for my newborn baby, I challenged him, but that meant the King now knew he was not Upenda’s true father. He ordered us both killed. I had to flee. I spent the next three days trying desperately to find someone, somewhere, who knew of some clue to the creature’s name … yet I knew I had to stay out of reach of the King. It was difficult. On the first and second days, he came to me and taunted me: “Have you guessed my name, yet? Have you guessed my name yet?”
‘On the third day, I had all but given up hope, when I came to a clearing, where I saw a sight I will never forget.
‘The creature was playing football with a severed head. There were two trees he was using for goalposts … he volleyed the head between the two, and ran around celebrating and singing, “There’s only one Rumpelstiltskin.” That is how I knew.
‘So when he came for the child, he sneered at me and said, “I’m here for my child … unless, of course, you know my name?”
‘I clutched my child tightly to me and said, “Your name is Rumpelstiltskin!”
‘He screamed and vanished in a great ball of fire. I hoped he was dead, but knew he was probably not.
‘I managed to escape the country and found an agent who could help me get to Britain. And here I am.
‘If he has returned, I do not want to say his name too often. It has less power every time it is used, and it won’t protect us forever.’
Jack was silent.
Upenda, who had heard this story before, had become more interested in her Gameboy.
The ostrich (whom Jack had named Baxter) was trying to offer some comfort to Rapunzel by nuzzling her.
Finally, Jack said, ‘I promise I will do whatever it takes to keep you and your daughter safe. I’m King of the Beanstalk, remember? I can protect you.’
‘Except the polis confiscated yer magic sword,’ Upenda remarked nonchalantly.
‘Aye, well,’ said Jack, ‘I might just have a wee secret aboot that.’ He held his hands high above his head, cried ‘Sword!’ and the sword appeared in his hand, flames leaping from its blade. ‘Return,’ he said, and it vanished. ‘See? The polis are just looking after it for me. I can get it when I need it.’
‘Anyone want to hear my story?’ Thumbelina called from her doll’s house.
No one replied. So she went on with the story anyway.
‘It all started wi’ my maw, who wanted mair than anything to have a wean, but the doctor says she couldnae.
‘So she goes to a good witch, and she gies her a daud o’ magic barley and says “Here, plant that”.
‘So my maw’s away hame wi’ this daud o’ barley, and she’s like that: “A wee daud o’ barley? What’s that supposed to dae?”.
‘But she takes it hame and she plants it, and the next day she wakes up, and there’s this pur
e weird purple flower growing oot the plant pot. And its petals is a’ closed.
‘So she gies it a kiss, and the flower opens, and there’s me! That’s how I got born!’
‘Great story, Thumbsy,’ said Jack.
‘I’m no finished!’ snapped Thumbelina. ‘Noo, where was I? Oh, aye, getting born.
‘Noo, she called me Thumbelina, because I was the size of her man’s thumb, and I never grew any bigger.
‘She took me to see the witch, to say thanks for getting born and that, and the witch is like that to me: “You’re destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies, by the way!” So that’s how I know.
‘Have I tellt yous I’m destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies?
‘Anyway, I was happy, until wan day, this big, fat, slimy frog jumps in the windae and snatches me away!
‘Turns oot she wants me to marry her son, who’s an even fatter, slimier frog!
‘So I’m like that: “No way am I marrying a frog! I’m destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies.” Besides, frogs is slimy and smelly and horrible. Nae offence or that.
‘But, see, they werenae for giving me a choice, and they stranded me on a lily pad in the middle o’ the lake, so’s I couldnae escape.
‘See me, though? I might be wee, but I’ve got a big brain. I knew there was no way I could swim all the way to the banks o’ the pond, but I could swim under the lily pad. Underwater, I wrapped my belt around the stalk and pulled it tight, and the belt cut through the stalk and it broke off, like I thought. Then I climbed back on and I had a wee boat!
‘I chucked my belt to a passing bat, who gied us a wee pull. It was dead good of him. The wind blew my hair every which way! It was just like waterskiing!
‘Anyways, that’s how I got to dry land, and I started trying to make my way hame, but I was lost.
‘Then the weather took a turn for the worse, which is a right scary thing if you’re wee enough to droon in a puddle! As I wandered aboot helplessly looking for the way home, I was aye getting laughed at by animals who’d never seen a human being sae wee, but it never got to me. I kept telling mysel’, “I’m destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies! I’m destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies!” And that’s what kept me going.
‘Eventually I comes to this cottage and knocks on the door. I was desperate for a wee bit meal and somewhere to stay, and somewhere to dry my claithes. It was a wee field mouse that lived there, and he was like that: “Och, what ye daeing oot there in that?” He took me in and got me all warm and dry. He was dead good to me, that wee moose.
‘The moose’s pal, the mole, came round to visit, and he’s dead posh and that … of course, he falls madly in love wi’ me and wants to marry me!
‘I tried to tell him I was destined to marry the King o’ the Pixies, but he was having nane o’ it, and finally I started thinking … maybe I wasnae gonnae find the King o’ the Pixies. Maybe I couldnae dae any better than this mole.
‘Then wan day I was on my way to his bit, through a’ the tunnels and that, and what does I see in the tunnel? A hauf-deid bird.
‘So I’m for helping it, and the mole’s like that: “Why should we? It’s his ain fault for messing aboot in the sky instead o’ getting underground like me.”
‘Well, I was just speechless! I goes like that to him: “See you? You’re a cold-hearted misery-guts, and I wouldnae marry you if you were the King o’ the Pixies!”
‘So that was that then. I took the poor bird back to the moose’s hoose, and nursed it back to health. Me and the bird became great friends, and when it could fly again, it took me on its back. I’d nae idea how to get hame, or where to look for the King o’ the Pixies, so we just kept looking … till the giant caught us.
‘I bit his hand hard enough to make him let the bird go. I shouts, “Don’t mind me, you just run!”
‘Then the giant takes me to his castle and locks me in a cage. Every time he goes oot hunting, I start screaming for help, and that’s where you came in. How we got up the beanstalk is anybody’s guess … must be some sort of gateway between your world and mine.
‘Anyways, that’s my heroic story.’
She took a bow.
‘Gaun yersel’, Thumbsy,’ said Jack, in an uninterested tone. Then he excused himself, as he’d been desperate to do for most of Thumbelina’s account.
* * *
Snowy, too, was called upon to tell a story. The story of how he had come down from the Highlands, fallen in love and been whisked away into a world of madness and danger.
But he was sick of telling it.
‘Tell you what,’ he said to the Freaks, who were tucked in, eagerly awaiting their bedtime story. ‘You’ve heard my story almost every night since I arrived here … but I haven’t heard yours even once. Tell me your story.’
‘What do you mean, tell you oor story?’ snapped Crabbit. ‘Nae idea what you’re talking aboot!’
‘Your story, Crabbit. Like I told you mine. You know … Who you are, and – no offence – what you are, and where you come from, and how you know Jill, and why you’re hiding in this house that doesn’t exist … That’s your story.’
Crabbit yawned loudly. ‘Well, I think we need an early night the night. Nice talking to ye and that.’
‘No story?’ whimpered Glaikit.
‘Story!’ growled Dagger.
‘Crabbit,’ Dragonman spoke up, softly, ‘I think we should tell him. He deserves to know and cannae harm us with the knowledge.’
Crabbit sighed. ‘Alright, then. What we are, Dandruff, is an aberration! An affront to everything decent and natural! In other words … we’re freaks.
‘It all started in the lab of one Doctor Demenscient; the sort o’ scientist who thinks anything that adds to human knowledge is worth daeing, whatever the cost. He created his experiment by … I don’t even know what he done. Take a lump o’ human tissue, clone it to something almost human, make it mutate, expose it to all sorts of radiation, electrical currents, graft in some microchips, mix in some animal DNA, plant DNA, broon sauce … I don’t know. Whatever he done, something horrible came oot o’ it. Whatever he intended to create … it wasnae us!
‘There were thirty experiments in all. You’re talking to the last remaining five. You see, when he realised he was getting into trouble wi’ the Bioethics Commission, he decided to destroy the evidence. We were only weans, but we escaped. Since then, we’ve stuck together like glue, you know? We’re family. Anyone messes wi’ wan of us messes wi’ all of us.
‘So we roamed the land trying to find human beings who wouldn’t mock us or attack us or run away screaming or call the polis or try and set fire to us. You’d be surprised how intolerant people can be.
‘We only found wan human who was willing to value us for who we were, to treat us wi’ a wee bit dignity and help us oot. That was Jill.
‘Doctor Demenscient was still after us, though, so we had to go into hiding. We built this place. Jill made it safe for us wi’ the magic, and we’ve been here ever since. The end.’
‘Wow,’ said Snowy, who found it hard to take in a story so extraordinary. ‘So you can’t leave this place until Doctor Demenscient dies?’
Crabbit laughed out loud. ‘He died over a year ago. We had a big party when we heard. We’re still here because we like it here, Snowy.’
‘You see,’ Dragonman piped in. ‘We have grown accustomed to our way of life here. We are self-sufficient. We have everything we need right here. We grow our own food. We keep up with the outside world – from a safe distance, mind you – through the television. The outside world need never know we exist, and we need never particularly care that it exists. It’s our own little Garden of Eden.’
‘Can we hear the story aboot the guy fae the high fields noo?’ asked Glaikit.
‘High fields?’ asked Snowy, confused.
‘I think he means “Highlands”,’ Crabbit explained.
‘Oh.’ Snowy chuckled. ‘The guy from the Highlands is me, Glaikit
. I’m the guy from the Highlands.’
Glaikit laughed. ‘Don’t be silly! You’re no in a story! You’re real!’
Snowy sighed and told his story again. Then he climbed downstairs to bed, not knowing it would be his last night in the Freaks’ house.
CHAPTER 13
‘Harry, I’m taking you off for the second half.’
The Celtic manager’s tone left no room for argument.
Harry argued anyway: ‘But … but … how are ye subbing me off for?’
He mopped his sweat-soaked brow, frustrated.
‘Because you keep missing sitters, getting mugged for the ball, and yer delivery is woeful. When you’re on form, Harry, there’s no doubt you’re the best player in Scotland. But right at the moment, you’re playing a lot of mince.’
‘But … but …’
‘Don’t you “But-but” me, Son. Wee piece of advice for you … whatever’s distracting you, get it dealt wi’. Everyone knows what’s distracting you. You got the shoe with you?’
‘Aye,’ said Harry. ‘Always kiss it afore a match, for luck.’
‘Fat lot o’ good that’s been doing ye. Gie’s a look.’
Obediently, Harry fetched the sparkling shoe from his locker.
‘See that? The woman that wears that has quite small feet. I reckon if you went through the guest list from your party, found each and every woman that was there and ask them to try it on, there wouldnae be many it’d fit.’
The boss drew a deep breath and clapped Harry on the shoulder. ‘Find her. Whatever it takes, I want you – I’m ordering you – to get out there and find her. If you need to hire private detectives or anything, we’ll pay for it, because when you’re on form, it’d cost more to bring in a player a tenth as good to replace you. But the way you’re playing the noo … you’re gonnae end up replaced. And you’ll be lucky to end up at Queen of the South. Find her!’
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