DON PEDRO See, see, here comes the man we went to seek.
CLAUDIO Now, signior, what news?
BENEDICK Good day, my lord.
DON PEDRO Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part
almost a fray.
CLAUDIO We had like to have had our two noses snapped off
with two old men without teeth.
DON PEDRO Leonato and his brother. What think’st thou?
Had we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.
BENEDICK In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came to
seek you both.
CLAUDIO We have been up and down to seek thee, for we are
high-proof melancholy and would fain have it beaten away.
Wilt thou use thy wit?
BENEDICK It is in my scabbard: shall I draw it?
DON PEDRO Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?
CLAUDIO Never any did so, though very many have been
beside their wit. I will bid thee draw, as we do the minstrels,
draw to pleasure us.
DON PEDRO As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou sick,
or angry?
CLAUDIO What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat,
thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.
BENEDICK Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, an you
charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.
CLAUDIO Nay then, give him another staff: this last was broke
cross.
DON PEDRO By this light, he changes more and more: I think he be angry indeed.
CLAUDIO If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.
BENEDICK Shall I speak a word in your ear?
CLAUDIO God bless me from a challenge!
BENEDICK You are a villain. I jest not: I will
Aside to Claudio
make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when
you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice. You
have killed a sweet lady, and her death shall fall heavy on
you. Let me hear from you.
CLAUDIO Well, I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.
DON PEDRO What? A feast, a feast?
CLAUDIO I’faith, I thank him: he hath bid me to a calf’s head
and a capon, the which if I do not carve most curiously, say
my knife’s naught. Shall I not find a woodcock too?
BENEDICK Sir, your wit ambles well, it goes easily.
DON PEDRO I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the other
day: I said, thou hadst a fine little
one.’ ‘No,’ said I, ‘a great wit.’ ‘Right,’ says she, ‘a great gross
one.’ ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘a good wit.’ ‘Just,’ said she, ‘it hurts
nobody.’ ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘the gentleman is wise.’ ‘Certain,’ said
she, ‘a wise gentleman.’ ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘he hath the tongues.’
‘That I believe,’ said she, ‘for he swore a thing to me on
Monday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning:
there’s a double tongue, there’s two tongues.’ Thus did she,
an hour together, transshape thy particular virtues: yet at
last she concluded with a sigh, thou wast the properest man in Italy.
CLAUDIO For the which she wept heartily and said she cared
not.
DON PEDRO Yea, that she did: but yet for all that, an if she did
not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly. The old
man’s daughter told us all.
CLAUDIO All, all, and moreover, God saw him when he was
hid in the garden.
DON PEDRO But when shall we set the savage bull’s horns on the
sensible Benedick’s head?
CLAUDIO Yea, and text underneath, ‘Here dwells Benedick
the married man’?
BENEDICK Fare you well, boy, you know my mind. I will leave
you now to your gossip-like humour. You break jests as
braggarts do their blades, which God be thanked, hurt not.
My lord, for your many courtesies I thank you. I must
discontinue your company. Your brother the bastard is fled
from Messina: you have among you killed a sweet and
innocent lady. For my Lord Lackbeard there, he and I shall
meet: and till then, peace be with him.
[Exit]
DON PEDRO He is in earnest.
CLAUDIO In most profound earnest, and I’ll warrant you, for
the love of Beatrice.
DON PEDRO And hath challenged thee.
CLAUDIO Most sincerely.
DON PEDRO What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his
doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!
Enter Constable [Dogberry, Verges and the Watch, with] Conrad
and Borachio
CLAUDIO He is then a giant to an ape, but then is an ape a
doctor to such a man.
DON PEDRO But, soft you, let me be: pluck up, my heart, and be
sad. Did he not say my brother was fled?
DOGBERRY Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you,
she shall ne’er weigh more reasons in her balance. Nay, an you be a
cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.
DON PEDRO How now? Two of my brother’s men bound?
Borachio one!
CLAUDIO Hearken after their offence, my lord.
DON PEDRO Officers, what offence have these men done?
DOGBERRY Marry, sir, they have committed false report,
moreover, they have spoken untruths, secondarily, they are
slanders, sixth and lastly, they have belied a lady, thirdly,
they have verified unjust things, and to conclude, they are
lying knaves.
DON PEDRO First, I ask thee what they have done, thirdly, I ask
thee what’s their offence, sixth and lastly, why they are
committed, and to conclude, what you lay to their charge.
CLAUDIO Rightly reasoned, and in his own division. And by
my troth, there’s one meaning well suited.
DON PEDRO Who have you offended, masters, that you are thus
bound to your answer? This learned constable is too
cunning to be understood. What’s your offence?
BORACHIO Sweet prince, let me go no farther to mine answer.
Do you hear me, and let this count kill me. I have deceived
even your very eyes. What your wisdoms could not discover,
these shallow fools have brought to light, who in the night
overheard me confessing to this man, how Don John your
brother incensed me to slander the Lady Hero, how you were
brought into the orchard and saw me court Margaret in
Hero’s garments, how you disgraced her when you should
marry her. My villainy they have upon record, which I had
rather seal with my death than repeat over to my shame. The
lady is dead upon mine and my master’s false accusation,
and briefly, I desire nothing but the reward of a villain.
DON PEDRO Runs not this speech like iron through
To Claudio
your blood?
CLAUDIO I have drunk poison whiles he uttered it.
DON PEDRO But did my brother set thee on to this?
To Borachio
BORACHIO Yea, and paid me richly for the practice of it.
DON PEDRO He is composed and framed of treachery,
And fled he is upon this villainy.
CLAUDIO Sweet Hero! Now thy image doth appear
In the rare semblance that I loved it first.
DOGBERRY Come, bring away the plaintiffs. By this time our
sexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter. And
masters, do not forget t
o specify, when time and place shall
serve, that I am an ass.
VERGES Here, here comes master Signior Leonato, and the
sexton too.
Enter Leonato [and Antonio, with the Sexton]
LEONATO Which is the villain? Let me see his eyes,
That, when I note another man like him,
I may avoid him. Which of these is he?
BORACHIO If you would know your wronger, look on me.
LEONATO Art thou the slave that with thy breath hast killed
Mine innocent child?
BORACHIO Yea, even I alone.
LEONATO No, not so, villain, thou beliest thyself:
Here stand a pair of honourable men,
A third is fled, that had a hand in it.
I thank you, princes, for my daughter’s death.
Record it with your high and worthy deeds,
’Twas bravely done, if you bethink you of it.
CLAUDIOI know not how to pray your patience,
Yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself,
Impose me to what penance your invention
Can lay upon my sin. Yet sinned I not
But in mistaking.
DON PEDRO By my soul, nor I.
And yet, to satisfy this good old man,
I would bend under any heavy weight
That he’ll enjoin me to.
LEONATO I cannot bid you bid my daughter live —
That were impossible — but I pray you both,
Possess the people in Messina here
How innocent she died, and if your love
Can labour aught in sad invention,
Hang her an epitaph upon her tomb,
And sing it to her bones, sing it tonight:
Tomorrow morning come you to my house,
And since you could not be my son-in-law,
Be yet my nephew. My brother hath a daughter,
Almost the copy of my child that’s dead,
And she alone is heir to both of us:
Give her the right you should have giv’n her cousin,
And so dies my revenge.
CLAUDIO O noble sir,
Your over-kindness doth wring tears from me!
I do embrace your offer and dispose
For henceforth of poor Claudio.
LEONATO Tomorrow then I will expect your coming,
Tonight I take my leave. This naughty man
Shall face to face be brought to Margaret,
Who I believe was packed in all this wrong,
Hired to it by your brother.
BORACHIO No, by my soul, she was not,
Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me,
But always hath been just and virtuous
In anything that I do know by her.
DOGBERRY Moreover, sir, which indeed is not under white and
black, this plaintiff here, the offender, did call me ass.
I beseech you let it be remembered in his punishment. And
also the watch heard them talk of one Deformed: they say he
wears a key in his ear and a lock hanging by it, and borrows
money in God’s name, the which he hath used so long and
never paid that now men grow hard-hearted and will lend
nothing for God’s sake. Pray you examine him upon that
point.
LEONATO I thank thee for thy care and honest pains.
DOGBERRY Your worship speaks like a most thankful and
reverend youth, and I praise God for you.
LEONATO There’s for thy pains.
Gives money
DOGBERRY God save the foundation!
LEONATO Go, I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank
thee.
DOGBERRY I leave an arrant knave with your worship, which I
beseech your worship to correct yourself, for the example of
others. God keep your worship! I wish your worship well.
God restore you to health! I humbly give you leave to depart,
and if a merry meeting may be wished, God prohibit it!
Come, neighbour.
LEONATO Until tomorrow morning, lords, farewell.
Exeunt [Dogberry and Verges]
ANTONIO Farewell, my lords: we look for you tomorrow.
DON PEDRO We will not fail.
CLAUDIO Tonight I’ll mourn with Hero.
LEONATO Bring you these fellows on.— We’ll talk with
Margaret,
To the Watch
How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow.
Exeunt [separately]
Act 5 Scene 2
running scene 14
Enter Benedick and Margaret [meeting]
BENEDICK Pray thee, sweet Mistress Margaret, deserve well at
my hands by helping me to the speech of Beatrice.
MARGARET Will you then write me a sonnet in praise of my
beauty?
BENEDICK In so high a style, Margaret, that no man living
shall come over it, for in most comely truth thou deservest it.
MARGARET To have no man come over me? Why, shall I always
keep below stairs?
BENEDICK Thy wit is as quick as the greyhound’s mouth, it
catches.
MARGARET And yours as blunt as the fencer’s foils, which hit
but hurt not.
BENEDICKA most manly wit, Margaret, it will not hurt a
woman: and so, I pray thee call Beatrice, I give thee the
bucklers.
MARGARET Give us the swords, we have bucklers of our own.
BENEDICK If you use them, Margaret, you must put in the
pikes with a vice, and they are dangerous weapons for maids.
MARGARET Well, I will call Beatrice to you, who I think hath
legs.
Exit Margaret
BENEDICK And therefore will come.
The god of love,
Sings
That sits above,
And knows me, and knows me,
How pitiful I deserve—
I mean in singing; but in loving, Leander the good
swimmer, Troilus the first employer of panders, and a
whole bookful of these quondam carpet-mongers, whose
names yet run smoothly in the even road of a blank verse,
why, they were never so truly turned over and over as my
poor self in love. Marry, I cannot show it in rhyme, I have
tried: I can find out no rhyme to ‘lady’ but ‘baby’ — an
innocent rhyme: for ‘scorn,’ ‘horn’ — a hard rhyme: for
‘school,’ ‘fool’ — a babbling rhyme: very ominous endings.
No, I was not born under a rhyming planet, for I cannot
woo in festival terms.
Sweet Beatrice, wouldst thou come when I called thee?
Enter Beatrice
BEATRICE Yea, signior, and depart when you bid me.
BENEDICK O, stay but till then!
BEATRICE ‘Then’ is spoken: fare you well now. And yet ere I go,
let me go with that I came, which is, with knowing what
hath passed between you and Claudio.
BENEDICK Only foul words: and thereupon I will kiss thee.
BEATRICE Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but foul
breath, and foul breath is noisome: therefore I will depart
unkissed.
BENEDICK Thou hast frighted the word out of his right sense,
so forcible is thy wit. But I must tell thee plainly, Claudio
undergoes my challenge, and either I must shortly hear from
him, or I will subscribe him a coward. And I pray thee now
tell me, for which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love
with me?
BEATRICE For them all together, which maintained so politic a
state of evil that they will not admit any good part
interm
ingle with them. But for which of my good parts did
you first suffer love for me?
BENEDICK ‘Suffer love’! A good epithet! I do suffer love indeed,
for I love thee against my will.
BEATRICE In spite of your heart, I think. Alas, poor heart! If
you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours, for I will never
love that which my friend hates.
BENEDICK Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.
BEATRICE It appears not in this confession. There’s not one
wise man among twenty that will praise himself.
BENEDICK An old, an old instance, Beatrice, that lived in the time
of good neighbours. If a man do not erect in this age his
own tomb ere he dies, he shall live no longer in monuments
than the bells ring, and the widow weeps.
BEATRICE And how long is that, think you?
BENEDICK Question: why, an hour in clamour and a quarter in rheum. Therefore is it most expedient for the wise, if Don Worm, his conscience, find no impediment to the contrary,
to be the trumpet of his own virtues, as I am to myself. So
much for praising myself, who I myself will bear witness is
praiseworthy. And now tell me, how doth your cousin?
BEATRICE Very ill.
BENEDICK And how do you?
BEATRICE Very ill too.
Enter Ursula
BENEDICK Serve God, love me and mend. There will I leave you,
too for here comes one in haste.
URSULA Madam, you must come to your uncle — yonder’s
old coil at home: it is proved my Lady Hero hath been falsely
accused, the prince and Claudio mightily abused, and Don
John is the author of all, who is fled and gone. Will you come
presently?
BEATRICE Will you go hear this news, signior?
BENEDICK I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in
thy eyes. And moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.
Exeunt
Act 5 Scene 3
running scene 15
Enter Claudio, Prince [Don Pedro] and three or four with tapers [followed by Balthasar and Musicians]
CLAUDIO Is this the monument of Leonato?
LORD It is, my lord.
CLAUDIO [Reads the] epitaph
‘Done to death by slanderous tongues
Was the Hero that here lies:
Death, in guerdon of her wrongs,
Much Ado About Nothing Page 10