by Leah Holt
It felt good to have something so delicate to walk on. My bare feet hadn't met anything but cold concrete and icy marble.
Bending down, I pulled out a thick black book. The binding was worn down and there were small rips in the leather cover. Turning it over, the gold script was bold and shining.
The Bible. . .
Arching a brow, I strummed through the pages. It had been ages since I read the bible. And for a long time I refused to think that a higher power even existed. Because if it did exist, if there truly was someone up there watching over us. . . Where had he been?
Where was he when I needed him? My prayers had gone unanswered, my screams and pleas had been left dangling in the air, untouched.
How do you believe, when the hands that supposedly created you, also molded the monster that took you?
But I was saved. . . That has to mean something.
Putting the book back in the exact spot I found it, the thin edge of something white on the wall caught my eye. Dropping to my knees, I pulled the small table out across the carpet and my breath caught in the back of my throat.
Yes! I knew it.
A black cord was plugged into the socket, laying flat against the seam of the wall. Pinching it between my fingertips, I crawled across the carpet and followed the trail. The cord went behind his dresser, coming out on the other side. Tugging it free, I pulled the last few inches through my fingers, and my body went numb.
He didn't. . .
No, he definitely did.
Holding up the cord, the end that should have had a phone was bare. There was nothing on the other end, but deep down I knew there had been a phone there.
He fucking took it.
Redd took the damn phone so I couldn't use it!
My heart raced inside my chest, spitting with black fire. I was back in that hell, warped into a different version of what I had been living. Only this time my captor fed me, he kept me warm, he gave me freedom to move around. . . But he stole my connection to the outside world, leaving me alone in a wasteland of trees.
Redd didn't need walls to keep me in, not when he had nature to do it for him.
Slinking down onto my ass, I leaned against the box spring, tears teetering on the edge of my lids.
I thought he had saved me.
I thought he had swooped in and whisked me away.
But the searing pain in my gut told me something different. . .
Maybe I was wrong.
Chapter Six
Redd
Idling at the light, I stared past the red orb and out into the distance. My mind was a whirlwind of what had taken place, and then again. . . I was blank.
My inner voice wasn't talking, there were no run-on sentences of how I was going to take on this new challenge. All I could see were flashes.
Flashes of that girl looking up at me, her weeping eyes begging for help and comfort, safety and protection. Snapshots of the man that had stumbled upon me, the way his anger and rage exploded as he came at me full force.
The vein in his temple pulsed, the white of his eyes grew brighter as his pupils turned black. And then I see my hands. I see my fingers as they curl around his throat, I see them as they twitch and shake as more pressure fills them to the tip, and he can no longer breathe.
I stared off into the distance, and right into the eyes of another life I took.
What the hell did I do?
“It's green.”
“What?” I said, startled out of my trance.
“Green means go.” Vicki leaned her head back against the seat, rolling it in my direction. Her eyes shifted between mine, and I knew that look. She wanted to ask me something.
Don't ask me, Vicki, just don't.
I'm not ready to give answers.
“What is it?” I warily questioned, hoping she would just start to beg me for something minute. Tacos for dinner, going out to buy new sneakers, anything but the one question I didn't want to answer.
“What's wrong, Redd?”
She's fishing. I know your tricks, little one.
Hitting the gas, I turned my lips down, shaking my head. “Nothing's wrong, everything is fine.” Playing it cool, I chuckled and pointed out the window. “Look at that dog, he looks like he's covered in shag carpeting.”
Vicki let out an annoyed sigh, wriggling in her seat to sit higher.“You're lying to me.” Her brows bent in hard as she veered her stare.
Damn, she has that same look as our mother.
It sent shivers up my spine to see that look. Years had passed between my mother giving me those same disbelieving eyes and the young girl beside me. But the same feelings flooded my body; shame, denial, sadness, all of it for not being honest and knowing she was aware of it too.
Unfortunately, there were secrets that needed to be kept, ones that were meant only for me and the big man upstairs. When the time came, I'd take his judgment, I'd hold my head up high and I'd let him decide my fate.
For now, I just did what I had to do to survive. It was the same now as it was when I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—either piss or get off the pot. There was no in between, not for me, not for Vicki, not for either of us.
“No I'm not.” Grabbing the wheel with both hands, I focused my attention on driving, staring straight out the windshield. “Everything is fine, Vicki, I don't want you to worry about a thing.”
“Redd, stop, you're doing that thing. I can see it.” Scoffing, she twisted away from me and leaned against the window. “You don't have to bull-shit me.”
“Hey,” I barked, snapping my eyes in her direction. “I don't want to hear you saying shit like that.”
Cocking her head over her shoulder, she gave me one of her signature eye rolls.
Damn it.
“Sorry, I should try and watch what I say too.”
“It's not that, I don't care if you swear, that doesn't bother me. But it does bother me when you lie to me.”
“I told you, I'm not lying.”
“Then why are your nostrils doing that twitchy thing?”
“My what?” Pulling a hand free from the wheel, I rubbed my nose. “I'm not twitching.”
Does my nose really twitch when I'm lying through my teeth?
“It's that girl, isn't it?” I didn't answer her back. Clenching my jaw, I cleared my throat and just kept my gaze in front of us. Crooking her lips to the side, she said, “You didn't just find her outside, I'm not stupid.”
“I never said you were stupid.”
“No, but you treat me like I am. I'm not a little kid anymore.” Her voice grew hard and stern, as if she was trying her best to muster the most mature tone she could.
“Vicki, you're twelve—”
Cutting me off, her small hand came up and sliced the air. “I'm thirteen—thirteen, Redd. And you're not my father, so just tell me what's going on.”
Ugh. . . Don't do that! I can't stand when you do that!
I hated when she used that line. It cut me deep, puncturing my heart with hot pins. She didn't have to remind me that I wasn't her father, I never wanted to resemble that man.
All I ever wanted to do was give her what she deserved. I filled a role for her, showing her that there was someone who still cared about her. I never wanted her to feel unloved or disregarded, a lost child with no one to turn to.
I knew when she said it, she wasn't trying to hurt me. She said it as a fact, as a verbal notion that I didn't have to always pretend with her. Vicki was trying to remind me that we were on the same level. We were both parentless, products of the same fucked up environment, bred from the same evil.
But that didn't mean those words didn't sting.
“Twelve, thirteen, either way it doesn't matter, there are some things that you just couldn't understand.” Slowing the car down, I pulled over towards the curb, stopping behind the line of school buses.
“How about you give me a chance first, before you decide that for me? You said we were a team, you've always said we were a team. T
his doesn't feel like that, it feels like you want me to act like I'm just a regular girl, like we're just a normal family. We're not, we never were. You're forgetting I was there too, just like you. What you saw, I saw, it didn't just happen to you, Redd. You forget that I know who you are, but you just can't see me anymore.” Throwing the door open, Vicki tossed her backpack over her shoulder and walked away.
Most mornings I would get a quick half smile before she went in. But not today, today she stormed off pissed.
I just couldn't give her what she wanted, not right now. She knew a lot about the world I had been in, but I kept the darker side as my burden and my burden alone. I could never put that weight on her shoulders.
She knew about how we got our money, and I was thankful she never judged me for it. Granted, she was still young and naive in a way, putting all her trust in her big brother.
If she knew the whole truth, if she knew what I was capable of, what I had done all those years ago. . .
Shuddering to myself, I shook my head and forced the thought away. I couldn't imagine the pain I would see in her eyes, I wouldn't allow myself to even picture what that would look like. To watch her get crushed, to see her dissolve as the realization set in that her brother was more than just a thief; it would kill me.
This was no different. And in the same breath, it was.
I had killed again. But for the first time ever, I was afraid of what could happen because of that. I took something that didn't belong to me, Val had made that clear.
Somewhere out in this city was a man who was going to find a thick thorn in his side because of me. This was all my fault, what could happen in the aftermath was all on me.
I sat stunned, confronted by a truth I had been working so hard to ignore, doing my best to push it away as if none of it had happened. Our past had created me, and instead of changing when I had the chance, I embraced what I had become.
And she sees it too.
I wished I had called out to Vicki and told her to come back. She deserved an apology, because she was right.
She's not a kid anymore.
I was guilty of trying to hold onto her innocence. There were moments where I would forget what she had been though. When her age sparkled like a diamond and she had that youthful glow on her face.
She'd crack a joke, she'd tell me some fact she learned in school, and her face would explode with delight when I showed interest or laughed out loud. And maybe I tried to cling too hard to those moments. For shit's sake, I said she was twelve, when she had been thirteen for almost six months now.
Vicki might have been young, but she had to grow up quick, we both did.
Sitting in my car, I watched her go inside, just like I did every morning. That girl meant the world to me, and I would do anything to keep her safe.
Just like I always have.
Fuck! Why did I have to go to that house?
Scratching the top of my head, I dragged my hand down over my jaw and worked it side to side. I fucked up. I should have listened to my gut when it told me to go home.
You saved that girl.
Would you really go back and change that?
That wasn't even something I could debate. No, I wouldn't have changed a fucking thing. That woman needed someone to step in, she needed someone to intervene before it was too late.
I would do it all over again if I had to.
Pulling out of the school, I was determined to find out more. I had to know who she was, why she was there, and who the fuck I was dealing with.
If what I did was going to put Vicki in danger, then I was going to have to do something to fix it. We were done running, we were done bouncing around like outcasts.
I was retired from the world of crime, and I had built up enough for the both of us to live on for years. This place was going to be for her—for us to build new memories, good memories.
And I couldn't shake the thought that my ego had just fucked that all up. I might have just drawn a huge target on my back, with a big flashing red light.
Vicki needs me, I'll do whatever the hell it takes to keep her safe, nothing will stop me. She deserved some form of a real childhood.
Turning out of the parking lot, I drove straight home.
That woman needed to tell me everything, every last detail about why she was in that house.
I needed answers.
And she was going to give them to me.
Chapter Seven
Redd
The entire ride back, all I could do was think about the dangers that lurked around the woman I brought home. She was teetering on the edge of a black hole, threatening to pull me down right along side her. She was the weight, and I was the rope barely holding her up.
And that thought, it turned my insides raw.
For years, I was the barbwire that kept danger out. My sister was safe with me, I protected her. That was my job, that was why I was still here.
I didn't want this, I didn't want to insert myself into the middle of some torrid execution. But that's exactly what I did.
That girl was on the brink of death, tortured in ways I could never imagine. I could see it in every ounce of her being. With her thin limbs, her sunken cheeks, her dull locks that were knotted and mangled. Her skin was pale, the only color was blushed pockmarks of past and present bruises.
I didn't like finding her that way. The second I locked eyes on her, all I wanted to do was drag her out of the fire.
It was hard for me to deny that I liked what I had done a bit too much. Slipping in, taking something that wasn't mine; it felt good in the moment, a rush purged my veins and turned me wicked.
But that glorified feeling quickly faded. And now I was angry. I was pissed that her very existence in my home could cause a ripple effect.
The engine hummed as I sat in the driveway, trying to settle my nerves so I didn't do something I'd regret. I knew what beast laid dormant inside, I knew what could happen if I didn't stifle the anger and use my fucking head.
I'd see red, I'd lose it. And once I passed that point, once the beast took shape and gained access to my muscles. . . That girl wouldn't stand a chance.
Because this wasn't just about me, it wasn't just about my safety and what might come nipping at my heels. I had someone who depended on me, the only flesh and blood I had left on this earth. The loyalty I had didn't fall on the woman I stole.
My sister comes first. Period.
Drawing in warm air from the vent on my dashboard, I exhaled even hotter air, fogging up the window. I did that same motion again and again, creating a thick layer of carbon monoxide on the glass.
It's time for answers.
Gripping the handle, I opened the door and walked with slow strides up to my house. Listening to the wind, I watched the silhouettes of the trees as they rocked and swayed behind my house. Their shadows danced over the lawn, moving in tandem with the thin blades.
The first time I laid eyes on this place, I thought it was perfect. Tucked away from everything, quiet, and peaceful. It was completely different from the home I grew up in.
So I bought it. It was going to make our lives better. And right then, better seemed farther away than the sun in the sky. I hated the feeling of dread that came over me as I walked to the door. I hated the knot in my gut and the tension in my muscles as I thought about going inside.
That woman had tainted my home. She filled it with everything I wanted to escape.
You made a choice, no blame falls on that woman.
She didn't come to you, you went to her.
My gut clenched, turning upside down. My palms grew sweaty and clammy the more I let it sink in that it was my choices that did this. Not that woman. Me.
You opened that door, you killed that guy, you stole her.
I did this.
I did this. . .
I repeated that over and over in my head. Everything I was about to face stemmed from my greed. I couldn't stomach that an action of mine could create a tidal wav
e of backlash, and my sister could be swept into the undertow because of something I wanted.
A new enemy took shape. And that was one thing I wouldn't tolerate.
With my head down, I flipped through my keys, searching for the one to the house. Positioning the key between my thumb and forefinger, I lifted it to the handle. Stopping in mid air, I looked through the tattered screen and right into my living room.
This was closed when I left. . .
The main door was open wide, allowing the cold, winter air to slip seamlessly through my home. Loose papers rattled like flapping wings, getting blown across the floor as a gust of wind pushed them around.
Cautiously, I opened the storm door, doing my best to not make a sound. Reaching into the back of my pants, I gripped the handle of the gun, fluttering my finger over the trigger.
Shit. . . Did they find us?
Was that possible?
No, no it can't be. No one followed us, I'm sure of it.
My chest constricted, tightening with an uneasiness that shook me to the core. I thought of the girl I left alone, of how I had walked out this morning, leaving her defenseless and open to whoever might come looking for her.
I knew deep down that taking her from that place wouldn't end there. I knew it, and I still did it anyway.
Fuck! What the hell was I thinking?
Why did I just leave her here alone?
Stepping inside, I glanced around, expecting to see an unknown man in a suit, casually reclined on my couch, with the young girl tucked under his arm, petting her hair.
I found nothing close to that.
My home was in complete disarray. Cupboards in the kitchen were open wide, the counters were littered with fallen food and dinnerware. The living room looked like it was hit by the same tornado. Couch cushions were on the floor, the few pictures I had set up were knocked over and smashed. The drawers on the entertainment center were thrown open, spilling their insides like guts onto the carpet.
A tremor scaled down over my spine, the nervous energy curling around my ankles and holding me to the floor. My feet felt like dead weight as I wobbled in place, afraid that my ego had gotten the better of me, and I had fucked up royally.