“I don’t feel myself, Augustus. I feel feverish. Perhaps I have lost my head?”
Bell chortled and swung her off her feet, sweeping her around in a circle before setting her down again. She clung to him for a moment, catching her breath. “That sounds just about right, my little Harriet,” he said.
Harriet was thrilled. All her life, she had felt big and clumsy, but with Bell enfolding her to his chest, she felt small and protected. She looked up into his dark eyes, black in the darkness, and saw a spark. Did they reflect the moonlight, or was it passion that she saw burning there?
“Augustus, my darling,” she sighed, standing on tiptoe to reach his mouth. She clung to him until they both heard footsteps approaching on the gravel. Breaking free of his arms, Harriet patted her hair and tried to slow her breathing.
Harold and Abigail strolled toward them, laughing and murmuring together, while Bell and Harriet waited. When the couples were face-to-face, Abigail smiled and linked her arm with Harriet’s. Harriet hoped that her face looked calm as she smiled back at her friend.
“Isn’t it a wonderful evening, Miss Walters?” Abigail said. “Harold and I came out to enjoy the night air. I see that you and Mr. Bell had the same idea.
“Yes, it’s a perfect night,” Bell said.
Abigail turned to consider him. “Harold and I were searching the sky for the constellations, but we are both such city dwellers that we have a hard time identifying them. Do you know the night sky, sir?”
“I used to know it very well when I was a boy, but no longer, I fear.”
Harold said, “What about billiards, Bell? The other gentlemen are playing, and they have been asking after you. Would you care to join us?”
Bell took a long look at Harriet before replying, “Billiards is more in my area of expertise.”
Harold said, “Excellent, sir. Lead the way,” and walked back to the house with Bell, Harriet and Abigail strolling behind. When they reached the house, the men bowed and left for the billiards room.
Abigail said, “Diane has already gone to bed. I think I’ll turn in, too. What about you, Miss Walters?”
“I think I will go up. It’s been a very active day.”
“Yes, plenty of fresh air and exercise. After you.”
As Harriet climbed the stairs, she wondered if Abigail guessed at her situation with Mr. Bell, and decided to find out. Reaching her doorway, she said, “I wonder if you would mind stepping in for a moment? I would appreciate some help with the back of my gown. It’s a little difficult to unfasten.” She kept her back to the wall to obscure the fact that her gown had no fastenings at all.
“Certainly, Miss Walters,” Abigail said. Harriet entered her room and lit some candles while her friend shut the door.
Abigail wasted no time in saying, “I was surprised to see you alone with Mr. Bell this evening. I do hope that you know what you’re doing, Miss Walters. Mr. Bell has quite a wild reputation.”
A sharp retort to mind her own business came to mind, but Harriet bit back the words to reply, “I’m afraid I don’t at all know what I’m doing, Miss Pope.”
“I think it’s time we progressed to first names, don’t you, Harriet?”
“Yes, please.”
“So, about Mr. Bell?”
Harriet met Abigail’s eyes. “We were getting to know each other better when things progressed very quickly today. I let him kiss me – several times – and I kissed him back. It was so thrilling.”
“Yes, it is. Harold and I have been kissing, too.”
“It’s very daring of us. Is it wrong, do you think?”
Abigail paused to consider her response. “I don’t see how ‘wrong’ comes into it. It feels very natural to me. Of course, Harold and I are committed to each other.”
“Do you mean that you’re engaged?”
“Not formally.”
Harriet sat down upon the bed. “Tell me what you mean,” she said, patting the bed beside her.
Abigail sat down. “Harold and I cannot afford to marry until he finishes his education. I suggested that Father could help us, but Harold is too proud to take his money, and he won’t ask his own father for anymore help. So, we shall have to wait for another two years, but we’ll be putting the time to good use. Harold is directing my medical studies so that I’ll be prepared when he is ready to open a practice. We’re thinking of a country practice.”
“What will you do?”
Abigail put her head upon the pillow and crossed her ankles. “I shall assist with surgical procedures – he says that my stitching is neater than his – help him examine female patients, assist with child birth, clean wounds, help set broken bones – all sorts of things. I shall have to start slowly until my credibility is established, but that is why we want to work in some backward little corner where expectations will not be too high and people will appreciate what help we can give them. Most of our clients will be farmers and labourers, I imagine.”
“Why, it sounds like your plan for missionary work, Abigail.”
“Yes, except that we shall not need to leave England. We may go to Scotland – Harold’s people are from there – or maybe to one of the islands. We can probably hire a woman to do the cooking and cleaning quite inexpensively, so I shall not have to bother with it. I shall be useful, Harriet. I very much look forward to my new life with Harold. It will be great fun.”
“It certainly sounds like it. I envy you, Abigail. You have your life all planned.”
“Which brings the conversation back to you. Have you and Mr. Bell made any plans?”
“Oh, no. Nothing at all. That is, he has not said anything to me about marriage, and I have no expectations of him.”
“If you do not mind me being so personal, then what are you doing with him?”
Harriet shook her head. “I hardly know, Abigail. It just happened. But no one has ever kissed me before, or even acted as if he wanted to.” She thought about Mr. Ash and the way he had kissed her hand, and quickly amended her words. “That is, no one has ever kissed my mouth before.”
“I understand. No one had ever kissed me or seemed likely to before Harold. But, do you like Mr. Bell?”
“Like him? Yes, I do. Being with him is exciting. When we’re together, I feel that I can do anything without shocking him. He feels confined by London society, and has encouraged me to be more free. He has helped me to see my life in a new light.”
Abigail nodded. “I’ve said before how alike we are in our unconventionality, Harriet. Maybe you can find happiness with Bell.”
“Maybe. I really don’t know. Diane had said that Mr. Bell would be a good flirtation for me. Perhaps that’s what this is.
Abigail rolled off the bed and stood up. “I would totally ignore any advice Diane has to offer, Harriet. She never has anyone else’s interests at heart, other than her son’s, perhaps. You should follow your own mind, I always say. But, it’s getting late and I’m tired. I’ve enjoyed our talk very much. It’s nice to share things with another female, sometimes.” She leaned down and kissed Harriet on the cheek. Harriet looked up at her in surprise. “Sleep well.” Abigail turned to go, but Harriet stopped her.
“Just a minute, Abigail, if you don’t mind.” Her friend waited for her to continue. “Since we have been sharing personal matters, I wonder if you would answer something about yourself that has long puzzled me.”
“What is it?” Abigail asked, leaning against the wall.
“Your relationship with Steven – I don’t understand why you seemed so reluctant to let him escort you to the Warners’ ball.”
Abigail did an extraordinary thing; her face coloured and she looked chagrined. “Oh, that. It was nothing, just a childish infatuation I once had for him. Of course, I could never let it amount to anything. It would have ruined my plans to practise medicine. Romance is one thing, but medicine is for life.”
“I see,” Harriet said slowly.
“Well, if that’s all, I wish you a good night,
Harriet.”
“Good night, and thank you, Abigail,” Harriet said as the young woman left the room. With the door closed, she shook her head at her friend’s words. Abigail was a very determined person, but Harriet wondered how well she knew her own heart. For that matter, Harriet wondered how well she knew her own heart, but a good night’s sleep would help her to see more clearly in the morning. She washed her face, blew out the candle, and went to bed.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Harriet woke feeling refreshed and ready for anything the next day. She went down to breakfast and discovered Bell, Diane, and Steven eating together. Diane met her eye with a smug smile, and Harriet wondered what Augustus had been telling her. She flushed and took a place at the table, busying herself with breakfast.
Bell said, “You’re not up with the birds today, Harriet.”
Harriet’s flush deepened as she wondered if the other two would notice Augustus’ use of her first name. “No, Mr. Bell. I must have been overly tired last night.”
Bell smiled and winked. Harriet sighed. Discretion was going to be very difficult if Augustus was going to be so transparent. The gentleman snorted, as if reading her mind, and Diane looked up from stirring sugar into her coffee.
“What is so amusing, Augustus?”
“Nothing – a private joke between Harriet and myself.” Harriet noticed Steven watching her, no doubt curious about Augustus' words.
“Would you care to go for a walk this morning, Harriet?” Bell asked.
“Yes, thank you,” she said, “but first there is a letter that I must address in time to catch the morning post.”
“We have envelopes in the tray on the library table, Harriet,” Diane said. “Feel free to help yourself.”
“Thank you, Diane, I will. I’ll just go upstairs and fetch the letter now.” Harriet rushed to her room and returned directly afterwards, headed for the library. The door was ajar and the room was dark. She walked to the table and was reaching for an envelope when Bell said, “There you are, my dear.”
Harriet whirled and caught sight of the gentleman on the sofa. “Oh, Augustus!
“Feeling a little nervy this morning, darling?” He got up and rounded the table to kiss her hand. “Actually, I am feeling a little nervy myself.”
“Really? I wouldn’t have thought that you had a nerve in your body.”
“I have something very important to ask you, my darling, and I’m not sure of your answer. My happiness lies entirely within your power.”
“Whatever are you talking about, Augustus?”
“Come with me to the sofa,” he said, leading her there. They sat, and he took her hand. “My dearest Harriet, I am not a callow youth. I’m sure that you have heard rumours about me. Perhaps people have even warned you against me?”
“To be perfectly truthful, Augustus . . . .”
“Of course. No doubt these people had your best interests at heart. I have been self-centred and careless, even wicked by some people’s standards. But I have never cared about other people’s standards, Harriet. You’ve seen that, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I have. To be truthful, I thought that your behaviour was outrageous when I first knew you.”
Bell smiled. “No doubt you would have. You were such a shy little thing that I confess I enjoyed shocking you. But I believe that our thinking has grown closer over the past few weeks. Do you not agree that society seeks to enslave us with meaningless conventions?”
Harriet hesitated. “I am conservative by nature, Augustus, because I have never wanted to draw attention to myself. But since knowing you, I have come to believe that I should not sacrifice my happiness to satisfy other people’s standards. I have tasted freedom, and I do not want to give it up.”
“Exactly what I meant, my darling. I have seen you blossom into a woman who thinks for herself and who acknowledges her true feelings. I admire you greatly, and with the recent expression of our physical attraction, those feelings have grown into love. I want to start life fresh, to escape London and all its temptations and begin again somewhere new with you. I want to marry you, my love. Will you have me?” Bell slipped from the couch to kneel before her. He took both her hands and gazed into her eyes. Harriet stared back, startled by this unexpected offer.
“I – I don’t know what to say, Augustus. I didn’t dream that you felt this way about me.”
“Bless your heart, you are too modest, my dear. You are a beautiful, beguiling creature. You should have men falling at your feet.” He pulled her to him and kissed her. Harriet gently pushed him away and stood up.
“Beautiful, Augustus?” She went to stand beside the window. Her own reflection stared back at her: a square-jawed woman with a wide mouth and brown eyes. Her eyes were her best feature; they were large with golden flecks. The hair had been tamed and the ruddy complexion calmed. Today she might be considered handsome, but never beautiful.
Bell came to stand behind her and she saw his reflection beside hers. He was certainly handsome. “Yes, you are beautiful, Harriet.” He turned her to him. “I can see that my proposal has taken you by surprise, my darling. Think upon it, and give me your answer tomorrow, if you like. But never doubt my heart, dearest.” He kissed her again, and she let her body soften against him. She looked up into his eyes.
“Tomorrow, Augustus. I will give you my answer tomorrow.”
As she left the library, Harriet’s mind was in a whirl. She did what she always did whenever she needed to think; Harriet went for a long walk.
The day was windy with an overcast sky, but Harriet took no notice of the world around her. The first question she had to consider was whether or not she could rely upon Augustus’ declaration of love. Harriet did not want to throw this opportunity away; heaven knows, she might never receive another marriage proposal. She had to think this one through very carefully.
She had once harboured hopes of a permanent relationship with Mr. Ash, but nothing had happened between them before her departure for London. It was possible that she had read more into his actions than he had intended, and that he felt only friendship for her. She put thoughts of the schoolmaster aside. She could not rely upon him.
Marrying Augustus might be dangerous, however, given his reputation with women. Even if he did truly love her, would he remain faithful? She had lived in London long enough to know that some women turned a blind eye on their husband’s dalliances, but she wasn’t sure that she could bear the humiliation. If she and Augustus had children together, would that be enough to compensate for his infidelity? Perhaps so. Having a family of her own, a possibility that she had dismissed long ago, was certainly an inducement.
Another danger to consider was Augustus’ gambling habit. He had told her himself that gambling was the only thing that still excited him. If she married him, Augustus would have control of her inheritance. What if he squandered it all away?
On the other hand, Augustus had talked about wanting to leave London and its temptations to start fresh somewhere else. Maybe if they moved to a small city or even to the country after they married, he would show some restraint? But Augustus had also spoken of emigrating to India or to the colonies. If he chose to leave England, could she bear to leave family and friends behind? Abigail spoke of life as a great adventure, but Harriet wasn’t sure that she would like an adventure as great as that.
Well, there were definitely dangers in marrying Augustus, but there were advantages, too. He was kind, and he was certainly affectionate. He was also handsome, tall, and strong, and she felt a thrill whenever he held her in his arms and kissed her. She also found his company exciting, and she liked that she could share her thoughts with him. He had talked about being “free,” and she had enjoyed the things that they had done together: a wild horseback ride in the rain, waltzing, wading in a brook. She had felt independence and exhilaration in these small acts, and agreed with him that some of the laws imposed by society were needlessly restrictive. But once they were married and she was the mothe
r of his children, would his opinion change? Would he expect obedience and conventional behaviour from the mother of his children? What could she do to safeguard her freedom?
The more that she thought, the more Harriet wondered exactly what she wanted from life. She had never really considered this before. Life had always just happened to her. She had done what her parents had expected, and after the move to Rexton, she had bowed to her aunt’s will. That was only right; she had been beholden to Aunt Edna for her livelihood, and compliance had been a fair exchange. Mrs. Evans’ will had changed all that, but Harriet had been so occupied with the pleasures of her London visit that she hadn’t made any decisions about the future, except to defer them.
Would she be better off remaining independent and not marrying Augustus at all? The thought frightened her. It would take a great deal of strength to make all her own decisions, and to forge a life alone. She could travel, but could she do it all by herself, and would she enjoy it? She could live with her mother in Mrs. Evans’ house and still stay close to her aunt, but one day they would be gone and she would be alone. Which was she more willing to risk – freedom or loneliness?
Harriet climbed to the crest of a hill and groaned when she realized how close the house was. Rather than helping her to make a decision, the walk had left her with even more questions. She decided to slip inside and remain in her room until it was time to come down for dinner. Perhaps her emotions on seeing Augustus again would help her to know the right answer.
But when Harriet saw him again just before dinner, she didn't feel any more enlightened than she had before. Augustus sought her out and sat beside her at the table. He was amusing and attentive, and acted pleased to be with her. Perhaps he truly believed that she was different from all other women, and that she alone could make him happy. Shouldn’t she be satisfied with that? If only she could rid herself of the niggling doubt that she would not be happy with him.
Harriet hid her turmoil behind bright smiles and silly chatter. She was proud of how well she was masking her emotions until she noticed the colonel frowning at her. When the gentlemen rejoined the ladies after brandy, she turned to find Colonel York standing beside her.
The Affairs of Harriet Walters, Spinster Page 21