by Anita Loos
So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon only by supper time all of the novelty seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had to much of a headache to go to church again, so Henry and his mother went to church and I went to my room and I sat down and thought and I decided that life was really to short to spend it in being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of money. So the best thing for me to do is to think up some scheme to make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied.
June 22nd:
Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia and I made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that discouradges gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Eisman, who was practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite discouradged over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York and I would go to Cartiers and run up quite a large size bill on Henry’s credit, because after all our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry’s credit is really my credit.
So while I was thinking it all over there was a knock on the drawing room door, so I told him to come in and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in New York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card and his name was on his card and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose and his profession is a senario writer. So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation.
So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist but who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days and nearly always learn something or other. Because, after all, there is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially after a girl has been spending the week end with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose’s opinion Shakespear is a very great playwrite, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy and as far as novels are concerned he believes that nearly everybody had ought to read Dickens. And when we got on the subject of poetry he recited “The Shooting of Dan McGrew” until you could almost hear the gun go off.
And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington D. C, where he went to see the Bulgarian Ambassadore to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a senario he has written which is a great historical subject which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on Lexington Avenue and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria. Because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his senario full of Bulgarian propoganda, and he told the Bulgarian Ambassadore that every time he realised how ignorant all of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very very small to talk to a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zoolack. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian Ambassadore did not seem to think that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing about dramatic construction. Because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his senario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a Bulgarian, who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering what her great, great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian Ambassadore turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large size bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the Bulgarian national drink looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five minutes afterwards you begin to realise your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink.
So then Mr. Montrose told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion picture profession, because all of his senarios are all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of sychology, but when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent negligays and ornamental bath tubs. And Mr. Montrose says that there is no future in the motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out, and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of 16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to have women of the world played by small size girls of 15 who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention home.
So we both arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the same trip with Henry in his Rolls Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the Primrose Tea room practically every day and keep right on holding literary conversations.
So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy because Dorothy is not so good at intreeging a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one.
So at first Dorothy said, Why didn’t I take a chance and marry Henry because she had an idea that if Henry married me he would commit suicide about two weeks later. But I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be in the apartment when he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him and she could tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.
So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry and leave him to her, because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best.
July 10th:
Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I have to begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happen to. And I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful. Because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl’s brains whirl.
I mean in the first place I went shopping at Cartiers and bought quite a delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry’s credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distants telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was very very pleased and he said that he would come right up to New York.
So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seem to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry was due at the apartment about 1.20, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for he and Dorothy and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out to look at the Russian Crown Jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or other had for sale at the Ritz.
So then I
went to the Primrose Tea Room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Recamier who all the intelectual gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around them.
So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seem to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose because when Mr. Montrose talks a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go to far, and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even Mr. Montrose seemed to notice it, and he said “What’s the matter little woman, a penny for your thoughts.”
So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot and finally he said to me “It is really to bad that you feel as if the social life of Mr. Spoffard bored you, because Mr. Spoffard would be ideal to finance my senario.” So then Mr. Montrose said that he had been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size ammount of money later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be to late, because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be snaped up almost immediately.
So then I became almost in a panick, because I suddenly decided that if I married Henry and worked in the motion pictures at the same time, society life with Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it was to late. So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the apartment and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress, but I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu. So she said she showed him the pearls and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones because white ones were so common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligay. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the Russian Crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but that I had said to her, that if I found out they were, I could toss them over my left shoulder into the Hudson river some night when there was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.
So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very glad I was going to get married at last because I had had such bad luck, that every time I became engaged something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what, for instance. So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my extravagants, and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because all I had to do was to take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker and the next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the day before German marks started to colapse.
So I became almost frantic and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute and she said that the parlor was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway no doubt I would see a cloud of dust heading towards the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry.
So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the Pennsylvania Station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose tea room in a hurry, they would be putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting his finger nails in all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his Hotel and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived.
So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face which I shall never forget. So when he saw me he really seemed to shrink to his natural size. So I sat down beside him and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cent store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl. So then I began to cry because of all of Henry’s lack of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up but I was to hurt to even give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as soon as I got home I had to take them back to Cartiers.
So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something and I wanted to make the world a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession on account of senshuring all of the films that I thought he had ought to go into the film profession. Because I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intreeged because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the senarios, and he to senshure them, and I could act in them and by the time we all got through, they would be a work of art. But they would even be purer than most works of art seem to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I had ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declasee if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that.
So when we got to Henry’s country estate, we told all of Henry’s family and they were all delighted. Because it is the first time since the war that Henry’s family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean Henry’s sister really jumped at the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bed-rock figure. So I even promised Henry’s mother that she could act in the films. I mean I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry’s father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and Mr. Montrose, said, “Bless you, little woman.”
So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. Eisman. Because when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day. So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he had got me all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spoffard, I would always bow to him, if I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus
Eisman himself, who educated me up to my station. So that cheered Mr. Eisman up a lot and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because, after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I really think that, even if Mr. Eisman was not so happy, he could not help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping.
So after that came my wedding and all of the Society people in New York and Philadelphia came to my wedding and they were all so sweet to me, because practically every one of them has written a senario. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean even Dorothy said it was very beautiful, only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody’s face. But that only shows that not even Matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose and she was telling Mr. Montrose that she thought that I would be great in the movies if he would write me a part that only had three expressions, Joy, Sorrow, and Indigestion. So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend after all.
So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really would be selfish for us to go off alone together, when all of our activities seemed to need us so much. Because, after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the senario together because, Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as ideas.
So, in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on the senario I got Henry to organize a Welfare League among all of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at the other studios at present so all of the extra girls have nothing better to do and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless they belong. So the worse they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes it and Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday and she says that if the senarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be screened and gotten past the sensors, the movies would move right up out of their infancy.