“Why don’t you move back?”
“My best friend lives next door. She’s actually my ex-husband’s stepsister. That’s how we met. But Bree’s…not well. She has a lung disease that makes it difficult for her to get around too much. So I want to stay close to help out, even though she doesn’t actually let me help very much.”
Hollis stared at me funny. “That’s very nice of you.”
“Not really. She’s also my unofficial psychologist and has put up with me the last few years. I think I need her for my mental wellbeing more than she needs me for any physical assistance. In fact, if it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have met.”
His brows drew together. “How so?”
“Bree saw your ad for a nanny somewhere and encouraged me to apply. She hated my job with Soren.”
Hailey had laid down in the back seat a few minutes after we got on the road. The last day of school and a pool party had really knocked her out. But she suddenly sat up and stretched. “I need to take a whiz.”
“Hailey, don’t talk like that,” Hollis snapped.
“Like what?”
“Taking a whiz. That’s about as classy as a woman saying she needs to take a piss.”
“But I do need to take a piss. What would you like me to say?”
I turned and intervened. “Hailey, honey, I think your uncle prefers if you say you have to go to the bathroom…or the ladies’ room. Whiz and piss are a bit crass, even for me.”
“So I can’t use certain words, but Uncle Hollis gets to say whatever he wants?”
Hollis said Yes at the exact same time I said No. I’d been about to explain that wasn’t what he was saying, but Hollis nipped that in the bud by talking over me.
“I’m an adult,” he bit back.
“So when I’m an adult, it’s fine to use whiz and piss?”
“No, because when you’re an adult, you’ll be a lady.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be a lady.”
“Hailey, don’t push my buttons.”
I almost laughed. That was exactly what she was doing. I knew what that looked like because I liked to do it, too.
“Why don’t we go inside my house so you can use the bathroom, Hailey?”
“Okay!” She whipped open the back door and jumped out.
I looked over at Hollis. “Would you like to come in and take a whiz before getting on the road, too?”
He narrowed his eyes. “The two of you are going to drive me to drink.”
Inside the house, I showed Hailey where the main bathroom was and then led Hollis into the bathroom off my bedroom. When I flicked on the light, I realized I had all of my underwear and bras hanging over the shower curtain. This morning I’d hand-washed things that didn’t go in the washing machine.
Hollis froze.
“They’re underwear. They won’t bite. You’ll be safe for your whiz.”
He mumbled something under his breath and shut the door behind him. I went to wait for Hailey in the kitchen.
She came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, sniffing her hands. “What kind of soap is in there? It smells so good.”
“It’s lavender. I’ll pick you up some the next time I go to Bath & Body Works.”
“Thanks.” She pulled out a stool that had been tucked under the kitchen counter and made herself at home. “I like the painting in the bathroom, too. It’s sort of creepy, but pretty at the same time.”
I smiled. “Thank you. I painted it.”
Her eyes widened. “You did?”
“Yup.”
“Wow. Can you teach me how to paint like that?”
“I could teach you some techniques. Sure.” I opened the refrigerator. “Do you want something to drink before you head back to the city?”
She shook her head. “No, thanks. It’ll just make me have to go to the bathroom.”
I heard Hollis’s voice before I saw him. “So you’re capable of using the word bathroom for Elodie.”
Hailey turned to look at her uncle, then completely ignored him and looked back at me. “Do you have more of your art anywhere?”
I nodded and pointed down the hall. “First door on the left. It’s a spare bedroom, but I use it for painting.”
Hailey hopped down from the stool and took off.
“Would you like something to drink, Hollis?”
“No, thank you.”
He looked completely uncomfortable standing in my kitchen, so of course, I needed to make it worse. I tilted my head. “Did you touch any?”
“What?”
“My panties. Did you touch any while you were in the bathroom?”
He tugged at the collar of his polo and looked down the hall. “Where did she go? We need to get back on the road.”
Oh my God!
I’d been kidding around. But…holy shit…he had! I covered my mouth and cracked up. “You did, didn’t you! You perv!”
Hollis walked down the hall. “Hailey…let’s get going.”
I couldn’t get the smile off my face. Something about the thought of Hollis touching my underwear amused the hell out of me. I wished Hailey wasn’t around so I could ask him if he’d smelled them, too. That thought actually made me snort.
Hollis came back to the kitchen. His face was stern. “We’ll see you on Monday.”
I walked them to the door. Hailey surprised me with a hug. “Your stuff is awesome.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.”
I grinned at Hollis, who was impatiently holding the door open for his niece. “Your uncle thinks my stuff is awesome, too.”
Chapter 15
* * *
Elodie
I didn’t notice until I started brushing my teeth the next morning. And even then, I still couldn’t believe it. It had to be here somewhere. I pushed back the shower curtain for the second time, positive I must’ve overlooked my black thong the first time I’d checked. It must’ve fallen from where I’d hung it on the shower curtain into the tub. There was no way…
No damn way.
He would never…
Yet the tub was empty.
In denial, I searched the rest of the bathroom and all of my dirty laundry. I was positive it had been hanging in here yesterday when I’d shown Hollis to the bathroom. I’d seen it with my own two eyes. And the matching bra was still hanging right next to where my thong had been. I always wore sets, always washed them together, and always hung them next to each other to dry. But now…it was gone.
I couldn’t stop shaking my head. I had to tell someone. So I grabbed my robe from the bathroom hook, filled my coffee mug to the brim, and headed next door. I hadn’t checked in on Bree in a few days, anyway.
The door opened.
“He stole my underwear!” I marched inside.
Bree’s face wrinkled. “What? Who?” She closed the door and followed me into the living room.
“My new boss. I had four sets of underwear and bras hanging in my bathroom, and this morning my black lace thong is missing.”
I’d been so absorbed in my stupid story that I didn’t even notice Bree didn’t look so hot. Her skin was pale, and she leaned on the couch like she was dizzy.
I walked over and grabbed her arms. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”
“I’m fine. It’s just…the doctor changed my medication, and it makes me feel a little lightheaded, I think.”
“Well, come on, let’s sit you down.” I made Bree take a seat on the couch and crouched in front of her. “Should we call the doctor? What can I do? And why don’t you have your oxygen on?”
She waved me off. “No. I’m fine. Don’t call anyone. I think…I must’ve gotten up too fast. That’s all it was. And I was just heading into the kitchen to make some tea, so I took my oxygen off because I don’t wear it near the stove.”
I looked around for the tubing to her oxygen machine that snaked through the house, and found the end with the nasal cannula slung over the arm of a chair.
Grabbing
it, I helped her put it on. “Sit and relax. Let me make you the tea.”
I went to the kitchen, boiled water in the kettle, and steeped Bree a cup of her favorite peppermint tea. I served it to her in the living room in her favorite Tiffany teacup, which she displayed, but never actually drank from.
“I don’t get collecting china and not using it. You love this set, why not use it?”
She sipped. “I guess I don’t want to break it.”
I arched a brow. “Do you often break cups?”
She smiled. It made me feel a lot better. “No.”
“Okay then. From now on, you eat and drink on your china. Take it from me, your pretty little china wants more than to be admired. It’s useful, too, if you give it a chance.”
I watched while Bree drank her tea—maybe a little too vigilantly.
“I’m fine. Stop waiting for me to keel over.”
“Are you sure we shouldn’t call the doctor? It couldn’t hurt to call your pulmonologist.”
“No. I just needed to sit down for a minute.”
I looked her over. Her color had definitely improved, and she didn’t look like she might pass out anymore. “Okay. But take your time getting up from now on. Anyone who knocks at your door can wait for you to get there or go screw themselves.”
Bree smiled sadly. “Maybe I’ll get a welcome mat that says that.”
“Don’t tempt me to have one made for you.”
She chuckled. “So what were you saying? Your boss took your underwear?”
“Oh. Right. Yup.”
This was typical Bree—changing the subject from her health. She hated to dwell on her illness. The first chance she got, the focus was always pushed back to me. At least today my story might cheer her up. “So get this, Hollis—Mr. Grumpy-stick-up-his-ass—stole my underwear.”
“You…slept with your boss already?”
“No!”
“So how did he get your underwear?”
“Hailey had a last-day-of-school party at a friend’s summer home in Connecticut. We hitched a ride to the house after school, but bossman had to come pick us up after work. He dropped me off next door, and Hailey came in to use the bathroom. Hollis had to go, too, so he used the one in my bedroom. You know how I hang my bras and underwear over the shower curtain after I hand wash them? Well, after he left, my black lace thong was missing.”
“Are you sure he took it? That doesn’t sound like Hollis, from what you’ve told me. Maybe you put it away in a drawer or it’s in the laundry or something.”
I shook my head. “I checked. And I’m positive I saw the set there when I flicked on the light and showed him the bathroom last night. Plus, he was acting weird after he came out. In fact, I was teasing him and asked if he’d played with my underwear while he was in there, and he got all flustered. I thought it was because he’d touched them…but this morning I realized it was because he’d stolen my thong. Mr. Uptight walked out with my underwear hidden in his pocket, Bree.”
I clapped my hands and fell back against the couch. Telling the story made me as tickled as I’d felt when I’d realized what had gone down. I would be amused thinking about it for a long time to come.
“What are you going to do? Pretend you don’t know?”
I sat back up. “Is that medication also making you delirious? You know me, Bree. I’m not going to let it pass. I’m going to use it to torture the hell out of the man.”
Bree shook her head. “But he’s your boss.”
I shrugged. “So? He started it. If it’s okay to steal my panties, it’s okay to call him out on it. Plus, he’s totally fun to screw with.”
“Why do you think he took them? Is he lonely?”
“Honestly, I have no damn idea. If he’s lonely, it’s certainly not because he can’t get a date. The man is ridiculously good-looking. Even at the party yesterday, the mothers were all getting hot and bothered when he walked in.”
Bree got quiet. I knew what she was thinking. But it wasn’t like that—not with Hollis, anyway. “Stop worrying. I don’t want to torture him the same way I did the guys I met working for Soren. Hollis is different. I’m pretty sure he’s attracted to me, and that actually pisses him off.”
“Maybe he’s different in a good way,” Bree countered. “Maybe he’s the kind of guy who wears a lot of armor because he’s protecting a fragile heart.”
I scoffed. “Not so sure about that. I think it’s more like he hasn’t had time to get laid in a few weeks and wouldn’t mind boinking the nanny. But he’s smart enough to know that might not end well and then he’d have to find a new one. Hence, rub one out while wearing the nanny’s panties over his face.”
Bree looked skeptical. “Just don’t get yourself fired.”
I smiled. “Who me? Never.”
***
Baaa!
When Hailey and I walked into the apartment Monday afternoon, Huey greeted us. We looked at each other and smiled.
“Does that drive your uncle nuts?”
Her smile widened. “Pretty much.”
We laughed.
“Go take a shower and get that sticky stuff out of your hair. I’ll get dinner started, but I’ll save the chopping until you’re done so you can help.”
“Okay.”
Hailey and I had gone to MOMA today. And we took a walk through Central Park so I could show her Bethesda Fountain—which we’d seen in two paintings. During our walk, we passed a cotton candy vendor, and Hailey suckered me into buying her some. It was a breezy day, and her long hair blew into the pink fluff half a dozen times, making a clump of her hair sticky.
In the kitchen, I put the water on to boil and then heard the bathroom door close. Since I had a few minutes, I decided to do a little snooping. Hollis had acted like his normal, abrupt self this morning, and since Hailey was up early, I didn’t get a chance to ask him about my underwear. But maybe I would be able to find them—then I’d know for sure.
I listened at the bathroom door to make sure the shower was running and then went to Hollis’s bedroom. The door creaked as I opened it. I’d peeked inside last week, curious to see what his lair looked like, but I’d never actually stepped in.
Feeling a morsel of guilt, I crossed the threshold. I was invading Hollis’s privacy. Then again, how much more invasive can a person get than swiping undies? I had every right to be in here. Tit for tat. Though, seeing as he stole my panties and not a bra, I was thinking he was more of a va-jay-jay-for-tat man.
I looked around. A king-sized bed with a carved wood frame was the centerpiece of the room—very masculine, with luxurious-looking bedding. I bet those are soft and comfy. I had the strongest urge to find out, roll around in the center of the navy-and-cream-striped plushness. Another day, Elodie.
I tapped my pointer finger to my lip. Hmmm…Where would I stash my spank-bank material if I were a panty thief? I went to the obvious place first—the bedside nightstands.
The one on the left side was pretty barren—some batteries and a few old remotes. But the one on the right side was pretty full—a box of condoms, Visine, a pocket watch, a small notepad, two old wallets, a phone book, a few pens, and some other boring miscellaneous stuff. No panties.
I shut the drawer. Hailey wouldn’t be in the shower that long, and I didn’t want to get caught, so I needed to hurry up. I slid my hand under the mattress, checked under the bed, opened each of the dresser drawers and did a quick rummage through, and I even checked out his massive walk-in closet—no thong. I let out a sigh of defeat.
Maybe he didn’t steal it? Could it have been somewhere in my apartment and I’d overlooked it? Maybe I was wrong after all? I was just about to shut off the light when the bed caught my attention once again. Hmmm. It was worth a shot.
I walked around to the side where the end table was full—figuring that was where he probably slept—pulled back the bedding, and lifted the pillow.
Bingo!
Oh my God!
Oh my freaking God!
>
My eyes bulged.
My thong.
My freaking thong was under his pillow.
Though I’d been looking for it, I was shocked to actually find it. Especially under his pillow.
I stared at it for the longest time, unsure what the hell to do. Did I leave it? Take it? It wasn’t like there was proper etiquette for stealing back your lingerie from a panty thief. I had no idea what to do.
“Elodie!”
I jumped, hearing Hailey’s voice.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
I quickly dropped the pillow and pulled the comforter back over it before bolting to the bedroom door. My heart raced in my chest as I walked down the hall toward the bathroom. “Hailey?”
“Can you get me a bottle of conditioner out of the hall closet?” she yelled from behind the bathroom door. I pressed my hand to my chest, relieved at not having been caught. “I forgot to bring it in with me, and there’s none left in here.”
“Yes. Sure. Hang on a second.”
I grabbed a bottle of conditioner from the closet and knocked on the bathroom door. “Coming in, kiddo.”
I set it on top of the toilet. “I’ll just leave it right here.”
“Thanks.”
I walked back out of the bathroom and pulled the door shut. God, that was close.
Now I knew I had a few minutes before Hailey would be finished in the shower, and I could fix the comforter and figure out what the hell I was going to do.
With my heart still beating out of control, I walked back into Hollis’s bedroom. I stayed in the doorway for a long moment, staring at the bed and trying to figure out how to handle this situation. Then it hit me—seriously, like a lightning bolt. I knew exactly how to handle it.
I stepped inside and shut the door behind me, making sure to lock it. Walking over to the bed, I pulled back the comforter and snatched my clean black thong from underneath the pillow. Then I unbuttoned my pants, shimmied them down my legs and stepped out. I slipped off the hot pink silky thong I had on today and put on the black lace one Hollis had stolen. Smiling, I left my pink one under the pillow.
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