“You’re back quickly,” she said.
“I am. I couldn’t sleep. How’s she doing?”
The nurse offered a sad smile. “Brianna’s about the same. I just took her vitals and made sure she was comfortable a half hour ago.”
Brianna.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to that. The name sat like a weight on my chest because of all the implications…Brianna. Hollis’s Anna. Oh, God. I rubbed at my breastbone. Huey’s Anna, too.
“Okay. Thank you. Is it alright if I visit with her now?”
“Of course. We’re going to change shifts in a little while, so you and your brother will need to step out for about an hour then. But right now is fine.”
“My brother?”
She lifted her chin toward the opposite side of the room where Bree’s bed was. “He’s been here for almost a half hour already. Doesn’t look like he slept much either.”
I followed her line of sight, expecting to see Tobias, and a lump formed in my throat.
Hollis.
He sat beside Bree’s bed. His hair stuck up all over the place; one look and I knew he’d spent the last few hours tugging at it. But what was he doing here so early? It was a two-hour drive each way back and forth to the city, and we’d only left in the middle of the night. He couldn’t have gone home and back. I felt like I might get sick. Had Hollis dropped me off at home so he could rush back and be alone with Bree?
That thought brought so many emotions—sadness, confusion. I hated myself for feeling it, but there was definitely some jealousy mixed in, too.
I watched from a distance, unsure what to do. Did I go over and join him? Go sit in the waiting room and give him some time alone? Leave and come back?
After a few minutes of attempting to figure out the right answer, I realized there really was none for this situation. So I took a deep breath and decided to go over and check on him. I’d ask him if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to hide that I was here, and I also needed to see my best friend—even if just for a few minutes.
Hesitantly, I walked toward Bree’s bed. My feet felt so heavy as I approached. Hollis’s back was to me, so he didn’t see me coming. But when I got within a few feet, I heard his voice, and it stopped me in my tracks.
“I broke a promise I made to you.” He reached up and took one of her hands in his, and my chest constricted so tight it felt difficult to breathe. Yet I stayed frozen in place.
“I realized it when I was walking through the hospital last night on my way out and saw the signs for the pediatric oncology unit. Do you remember the night you made me promise I’d never stop my visits? It was the night Adam died.”
Hollis went quiet for a long time. I should have backed out, given him some privacy. But I just couldn’t move. He let out a loud rush of air before continuing.
“You were his first kiss. And his last.” He shook his head and gave a dry chuckle. “I was jealous of that kiss. Don’t think I ever told you that. You gave a dying nineteen year old who had a crush on you his first and last kiss of his life, and I was jealous of him in that moment. How’s that for possessive and fucked up?”
He cleared his throat. “The night Adam died, you made me promise I’d never stop visiting the pediatric oncology unit to play video games. But I did. I stopped after you walked out on me. I still sent a check at Christmas every year, to make sure the unit could get new games and stuff, but I stopped going, Anna. We’re all made of good and bad. But when you left, you fucking took all the good parts of me with you. I didn’t even realize I could get those parts back until recently. I’d thought they were gone forever.” He paused. “Anyway, last night, instead of going home, I wound up at a twenty-four-hour Walmart. I picked up some games and a new gaming console and brought them up to the unit here in the hospital. The nurses were nice and let me hook it up. And I met Sean while I was doing that. He’s fifteen, in for his second round of chemo, but he’s in pretty good spirits. Kicked my ass in Grand Theft Auto.”
He squeezed Bree’s hand. “I think I stopped going because I was so pissed at you. Last night, meeting Sean brought back a lot of memories. Memories of both of us sitting in that pediatric unit playing with those kids. Memories of you being by my side every damn day when my mom was sick.”
He shook his head, and I felt tears sliding over my cheeks. “I don’t know what happened between us. But I remember how much you were there for me. And I’m going to be here, Anna. Right by your side, like you were always there for me.”
A nurse walked up behind me and touched my shoulder. Startled, I jumped.
“I’m sorry. I thought you saw me. Would you like me to bring over another chair? So you can both sit with Brianna?”
Hollis turned around, and our eyes locked. “Elodie.”
“I…I need a moment.”
I practically ran out of the ICU. Once I was in the hall, I saw an illuminated Exit sign to the left, so I rushed in that direction. A door led to a stairwell, and all I wanted to do was hide and be alone. I managed to make it down one flight before I had to stop and sit on a step because I was crying so hard I could barely see.
I wasn’t even sure what had upset me.
Was it the story Hollis told Bree, and the realization of how deeply he’d loved her, or the fact that my best friend was lying on her deathbed?
Both, I guessed. It was just too much to handle at once.
Luckily, very few people took the stairs at seven in the morning. So I sat on that step for a long time all by myself and let it all out. Eventually, when I had no more tears left, I walked down to the first floor and re-entered the hospital. I wandered around, not quite sure where I was going, until I noticed a sign for the chapel.
The tiny sanctuary had only a half dozen pews on each side and an aisle that led to a simple altar. The room was dark and empty, and I didn’t bother to turn the lights on. Instead I took a seat in the back row and said a few prayers quietly with my eyes closed. It was the most peace I’d had in the last twenty-four hours, and I felt my shoulders drop and some of the tension in my neck unfurl.
I decided to stay and try to relax a bit. I was in no rush to go face Hollis at the moment. But after a little while, the lack of sleep and exhaustion must’ve caught up with me, because the next thing I knew, a man was waking me up—a man wearing a collar.
“What time is it?” I rubbed my eyes.
The priest smiled. “It’s about ten o’clock. I saw you in here a few hours ago and figured you needed some sleep. But there’s a daily mass that’s going to start in about twenty minutes. So I wanted to wake you now so you didn’t wake up in the middle of it.”
“Oh. Sorry. Okay. Thank you. I’ll get out of here. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep.”
“There’s no rush. Can I ask what you’re at the hospital for? Are you visiting someone?”
I nodded. “My best friend. She’s very sick.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thank you.”
“Would it be alright if I sat down with you for a few minutes?”
“Of course.”
I’d been sitting at the end of the pew, so I scooted over to make room, and the priest took a seat.
“Will your friend be in the hospital long?”
I frowned. “I think so. Unless....”
The priest nodded even though I couldn’t complete my sentence. “You know, no one cares for the caretaker. Everyone is naturally focused on the patient, but the caretaker has an important role. You need to rest and tend to your own needs in order to be able to do the job of being by the side of your loved one.”
I sighed. “Yeah. I know. Last night was just so shocking.”
“What’s your friend’s name?”
“Bree…Anna. Her name is Brianna.”
“And your name?”
“Elodie.”
The priest held out a hand to me. “I’m Father Joe. Shall we say a prayer for Brianna together?”
“Oh. Yes. That would b
e great.” I put my hand in his and closed my eyes.
The priest recited a few prayers and then added, “Dear Heavenly Father, today I ask that you look down with compassion on our friend Brianna, who has been confined to a bed of sickness. Please send comfort and healing. We pray for Your gracious kindness to strengthen and heal, whatever the problem is that has caused this illness in her body. And we pray for strength for her family and friends, especially Elodie, that they may hold her hand with courage and love in her time of need. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
I made the sign of the cross and opened my eyes. “Amen.”
Father Joe smiled warmly at me. “Would you like to say confession? Many people find it helps take some of the weight off their shoulders. You’re carrying enough when you’re taking care of a sick loved one.”
I smiled. “You said you have a mass to give soon. Not sure there’s enough time for me to tell you all the things I’ve done wrong since the last time I’ve been to church.”
Father Joe laughed. “Why don’t you give it a shot, if you feel up to it. I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”
“Well, I’ve definitely lied on a few occasions.”
“Okay.”
“And I might be lying again right now, actually. Because I’m pretty sure it was on more than a few occasions. In my last job, I used to manipulate men into compromising positions in order to enhance their wives’ divorce settlements.”
The priest’s brows shot up. “Sorry. We’re not supposed to show any emotion, but that’s one I hadn’t heard before.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, those weren’t my finest moments. But anyway, I definitely lied a lot. I also curse like a sailor and use the Lord’s name in vain occasionally. Oh, and I’m divorced. But my ex-husband cheated on me and is a jerk, so I think I should get a free pass on that one.”
“Alright. Anything else?”
“I don’t think so. Oh, wait. Premarital sex is a sin, right?”
“It is.”
“But I love him. So that should count for something, too, right?”
Father Joe smiled. “Say four Hail Marys and two Our Fathers.”
“Okay.” I started to shut my eyes and then changed my mind. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Is it possible to love two people at the same time?”
“That’s a big question.” He was silent for a long time. “I think it’s possible to love many people at the same time. But I don’t think it’s possible to love two people in exactly the same way.”
“But can a man fall in love with someone new, if he never stopped loving the person he was in love with first?”
“There are some people who come into our lives and take a little piece of our hearts when they go. So they’ll always have that love with them. But the heart is resilient and will eventually heal itself. Though the new heart isn’t the same as the old heart, and that’s why we never love two people the same way.”
“I guess.”
“Are you worried about the man you’re with now?”
“It’s a long story, and it’s incredibly selfish for me to even be thinking about it now, but yes.”
“I see.”
“He loved a woman, and she broke his heart. Like you said, she took a little piece of it with her when she left.”
“Do you love him?”
“I do. So much so that it scares me.”
Father Joe smiled. “That’s how you know it’s real—if it scares the heck out of you. I’m not personally that well versed in relationships of the man-and-woman kind, obviously. But I’ve counseled a lot of couples in my forty years of the priesthood. My advice would be to give this man some time. Perhaps he’s feeling just as scared as you are right now.”
I sighed and nodded. “You’re right. Time. We definitely need some time. I should probably say those prayers and get going now, before your mass starts. But thank you for talking to me.”
“Anytime, Elodie. I’m here from eight to six or so every day. But if I’m not here…” He pointed to the cross hanging over the small altar. “He is. So come by and talk to either of us whenever you need to.”
Chapter 42
* * *
Hollis
“How are you holding up, son?” Richard walked into the small waiting room outside the ICU while I was waiting for my coffee from the vending machine to finish brewing.
“I’ve been better. You?”
He smiled sadly. “Same.”
I slipped the cardboard cup out of the machine and sipped. My face scrunched up, and Richard chuckled.
“Looks like coffee,” he said. “Smells like coffee, too. Tastes like shit. Though you look like shit. So it’s a match.”
“Thanks,” I grumbled.
“Were you here all night?”
“I left to drive Elodie home and run an errand, then came back.”
He took a dollar from his pocket, and the vending machine sucked it in. “This has gotta be hard on you both.”
“It’s definitely not something I saw coming.”
Richard frowned. “I’m sorry about that.” He took a deep breath and pushed the button to add cream and sugar to his coffee. “I spoke to the pulmonologist on the phone a little while ago. He’s going to come in about two o’clock and talk to us. Said he’s bringing the neurologist at the same time, and wants to discuss prognosis. He didn’t sound too optimistic.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Okay. I’ll head out before then so you can have some privacy.”
“I wasn’t telling you so you would leave. I was telling you so you could be there. Bree would want us all to be together at a time like this.”
“Not sure Anna—Bree—envisioned I’d be around again. But I appreciate that.”
Richard sipped his coffee. “You might not have been together anymore, but you were always in my daughter’s heart, Hollis.”
She had a funny way of showing it. But this wasn’t the time or place for bitterness.
Instead, I nodded. “I’ll be there when the doctor comes. Thank you.”
“Can you let Elodie know about the time, too?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll get in touch with her.”
She’d disappeared after she saw me sitting with Anna early this morning. I was sure she’d put two and two together and figured out I couldn’t have gone to the city and back. She probably thought I’d lied to her when I dropped her off—saying I needed to go home. But I really hadn’t planned on coming back. Then I saw a billboard for the pediatric oncology unit of the hospital and suddenly my car was crossing three lanes of traffic to turn off at the next exit for a Walmart.
It was difficult to plan anything when things could change from one minute to the next. Thankfully, Addison had taken Hailey and control of the business, so someone with a brain had the reins, at least.
After we finished our coffees, Richard went to sit with Mariah. I wanted to give him some alone time, so I decided to go for a walk outside and get some fresh air. I figured I’d call Elodie and tell her about the doctors coming at two o’clock.
But when I walked out the front doors of the hospital, I was surprised to find Elodie sitting on a bench.
“Hey. What are you doing out here?”
She forced a sad smile. “I don’t know. I wasn’t ready to come back upstairs yet, but I also didn’t want to leave.”
I nodded. “Can I sit?”
“Of course.” She inched over on the small bench. “I checked in with Hailey a little while ago. She sounded good. Apparently she asked Addison to take her to Home Goods, and she’s spending the day redecorating your office since she’s at your work today.”
“Great.” I chuckled. “Can’t wait to see what that looks like.”
We fell quiet. There was so much to say, yet nothing felt right. The silence stretched into awkwardness until I finally remembered I did have something to tell her—about the doctors. Only when I went to sp
eak, she also started to talk.
We smiled and both said, “You go first”—again, at the exact same moment.
I held out my hand indicating the floor was hers, so it wouldn’t happen a third time.
“I was just going to say I’ll pick up Hailey tonight from Addison’s and stay with her, if you want to spend the night at the hospital again.”
I frowned. “Elodie, I didn’t intend to come back last night when I dropped you off. I really did plan to go home.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
“No, I need to explain. I don’t want you to think I lied to you.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“But don’t worry about Hailey. Addison said she would keep her a few days. She’ll be fine. She loves Addison.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. And besides, if one of us had to leave to go get her, it would be me, not you. You belong here.”
“So do you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know where I belong these days.”
Elodie’s face told me she’d taken that to mean something more than I’d intended.
“I didn’t mean—”
She stopped me. “It’s fine. What were you going to tell me?”
“I spoke to Richard, and he said the doctors want to talk to him at two o’clock. He wanted us both to be there.”
“Oh, wow. Okay.” She looked at her watch. “That’s an hour. I should probably go grab something to eat. I don’t remember the last time I ate, and all the coffee I drank is making me jittery.”
She didn’t ask me to join her, and that made me sad, though I understood the need to be alone. “Alright.”
Elodie stood. “There’s a bagel shop about a mile up the road. Would you like me to bring you back anything?”
“No, thank you.”
She looked at me awkwardly and raised her hand in a wave. “Okay. See you up there, then.”
I watched her walk away like a damn idiot. In my heart, I knew I should’ve grabbed her and held her in my arms before letting her go. Yet I couldn’t. And I hated myself for that.
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