“Anais, I would save you again and again and again. There is no scenario in my head that would have stopped me from helping you. Any good man would have done the same thing.”
“Good men?” Anais laughed. “Besides my uncle, I don’t know any good men James...even my father. So when you walked into my life, like some defender of the weak, you shocked me. I even believed at the time I was dreaming. It’s just not possible. It didn’t happen. It can’t be true. There are no real heroes left in this world. And it’s also why I’m finding it so hard right now to stop myself...” She closed her mouth, refusing to let herself finish. She was scared to say it.
“Stop yourself?” I pushed, hoping she would reveal her feelings.
“Yes, I have to stop myself from kissing you right here, right now...” She licked her lips and stared at my mouth. I pushed towards her and grabbed her lightly on the hips, guiding her safely into my arms. She pushed away from me, a pained expression on her face. “But I can’t. And if I do...” She turned away and walked towards the door. I grabbed her arm, stopping her, but it looked like she hoped that I would. Like she didn’t want me to let it go.
Anais said nothing except to stare at my hand on her arm. She closed her eyes tight like she was trying to memorize the feeling. The inner battle she was having was obvious on her face. Who would win, I wasn’t sure, but I wanted to help her make the right choice.
“Anais, you seem smart...and stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Whatever is happening to you...whatever chains are tying you down...I’m sure you have the power to change it. If you want to something bad enough, you fight for it. You find a way to make it happen. You don’t give up. You can make your own future. And I want to help you. Let me in. I’m not scared of these people.”
I could tell you the exact moment I saw the expression on her face change. How she considered my words for the briefest second before her eyes drew in, her mouth turned down and her eyes disconnected from what her heart was saying to her. I could already see her fear. It returned so quickly.
“It’s not just about what would happen to me...but to you too James. You don’t understand their power. What they’re capable of.” She started to back away again. “I can’t do this. I can’t be the one to let them hurt you. And I don’t need your help. Look, just to be clear...this thing that’s happening between us...this feeling...this, I don’t know, desire, connection, whatever it is...it’s nothing. Okay. Nothing. You got that? We can only be friends...nothing more. In fact, I think it’s better if we just stay away from each other altogether. Alright? I’m betrothed...” She squeezed her eyes shut and then open again. “I mean...taken...And you’re...” she paused, “not part of my world.”
She was trying very hard to push me away. Protect me from something she was scared of. I knew that I didn’t understand what kind of people she was up against and what kind boundaries they had set. But I could feel that she wanted a way out. She wanted me.
“Anais. This is your life. Your choices. Your body. But if it was me and I was stuck in some kind of controlling secret society, I wouldn’t let them take my freedom so easily. I would find a way to make choices that were my own. And I know you’re trying to protect me in some way...somehow, by keeping me at arm’s length, but I wouldn’t have offered myself if I wasn’t sure I could handle the heat...the danger...or whatever it is that you’re in. So please Anais...won’t you let me try for you...”
“James.” She whispered, like she was about to give in. She even stepped towards me for a brief moment. But her fear was stronger than her belief in me, and why wouldn’t it be? She barely knew anything about me except that there was something between us. A connection I was starting to think couldn’t be denied. But then seconds turned into minutes, and I found myself left standing in that room...alone.
{8}
The screaming echoed down the hospital hallway. My Dad, Colton tensed beside me. He stood and began pacing around the room. I knew he wanted to run down the corridor and be with Mommy, his feet shuffling awkwardly every time there was a moan or a scream¸ but he stopped himself when he looked at me. He wasn’t allowed to leave my side. He promised Mommy when she was wheeled away that he would make sure he would never leave me. He would stay and make sure I was safe.
Daddy ran his hands through his hair, still pacing. I had different hair to Daddy. I also had different eyes and a different face. Mommy told me it was because I had two Daddies. I was a special boy which is why I was lucky to have two. But my first Daddy was dead. I had never met him. Never knew who he was. It was before I was born. And then Mommy married Colton, my new Daddy. He is a nice man. Very caring, strong and protective. I loved him very much.
Daddy sat next to me again. He looked nervous. He was breathing fast. “James...how are you doing? Are you alright?”
“What do you mean Daddy?”
“I mean with...last night. Everything happened so quickly. And then we had to get your mother to the hospital. I know we haven’t had a chance to talk about what you saw. What you did. I need to know...how you are feeling...what you remember doing.”
Last night...last night. I tried to think about what happened only hours ago at home, but I couldn’t remember anything. My mind had gone black, like when I sleep. I had a weird feeling that I had woken from a nightmare, but I couldn’t see anything in my head from last night. There were no pictures...no images...no voices. There was nothing.
“I remember nothing Daddy...”
“Nothing? Are you sure that you don’t remember anything? Anything at all...? It’s okay if you do James...but you need to tell me. It’s very very important that you do. It’s so me and Mommy can help you.”
I usually had such a good memory. Even for my age. Mommy used a play a computer game with me where there was a big board of pictures behind rows and rows of boxes. When you found a set of the same pictures on the board, you kept the pair. You had to remember where every picture was on the board in order to find the match. The person with the most sets of matched pairs by the end of the game wins. And I used to win against Mommy...every...single...time. So not being able to remember what happened just hours ago had me feeling all twisted up inside. I kept trying to think, really hard, pushing through the dark in my head, waiting for the memories to appear. I was searching for the flash of an image, like it always appeared because it was that simple for me. But all that came through was black. Like a piece of time was cut out of my memory and thrown away. I shook my head at Daddy. “No...I can’t seem to remember anything. I’m sorry. Am I in trouble?”
Daddy looked even more worried and put his arm around my shoulder, drawing me close to his body. “No son, you’re not in trouble. Everything’s fine...” He blew out a breath, “...it’s going to be fine...”
I didn’t believe him. I could feel my Daddy trembling. Daddy never trembled. Daddy was never scared. He was always a big brave man. We sat there for a long time. It felt like forever.
We heard footsteps and we both lifted our heads to see a man dressed all in blue walking towards us. Daddy got to his feet straight away, taking my hand and helping me to stand up too.
“Mr. White?” the man said to my Daddy. Daddy nodded. “I’m Doctor Fenton.”
“My...my...wife?” Daddy stuttered.
“Your wife Nina is going to be fine. We managed to stop the bleeding. But it was touch and go there for a while — she lost a lot of blood.” The man glanced down to me and then back to Daddy. “Your wife’s a strong woman. A real fighter.”
Daddy coughed like he was choking and then he spoke, his voice all shaky. I felt his grip tighten on me. It was starting to hurt my shoulder. I don’t think Daddy realized he was holding me so tight.
“Yes, she's a fighter. But she’s going to be okay, right?”
“Yes,” the doctor said patting Daddy on the back. “She's stabilized and doing great.”
Daddy swallowed and let go of me. “And the baby?”
The man smiled warm
ly at Daddy. “Your baby girl is fine too. You and your son can go see them now if you like.”
“A baby girl?” My Daddy took my hand and squeezed it.
“Did you hear that James? You have a sister.”
Daddy started walking quickly with me in tow. It didn’t take long before we got to Mummy’s room. When we both walked in we saw her. Mummy. She was in a bed, all tucked up, like how she tucks me into my own bed at night. Her hair was up on her head, piled high. And she was holding a baby wrapped up in a pale pink blanket. Her smile was huge when she saw the two of us.
“My two favorite men in the whole world.” They were her first words. Her voice sounded so happy to see us. I ran over to her side. Daddy followed quickly behind me.
I looked up to see Daddy’s lips going straight to Mommy’s forehead. “I can’t believe I almost lost you.” Daddy’s voice cracked again. I think he was trying not to cry. He kissed her on the lips, and then cupped Mommy’s face with his hands. “I love you,” he said. “So much it frightens me every minute of every day.” Daddy’s voice cracked again. Poor Daddy. He seemed sad and happy at the same time.
Mommy closed her eyes tight as Daddy continued to kiss her head and stroke her face. They looked into each other’s eyes for what felt like a really long time before Daddy let her go and looked down to the bundle wrapped in pink.
“She’s pretty Mom,” I said, looking at my new sister sleeping in Mommy’s arms.
“She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” said Daddy, “next to your mother James.”
Daddy kissed the baby very softly on her head. “What should we name her?”
Mommy’s eye lids blinked fast. I’m not sure why I noticed that. Sometimes when people moved fast, it became slow motion in my head. Like my brain had to pay attention to the details. I knew I was a bit different to most little boys. The way the world moved around me scared me sometimes. The speed that things moved did not seem normal.
“I was thinking Margot. It means ‘pearl’ in French. A beautiful little pearl. She has fair hair like you and blue eyes like the sea. Seems to fit, don’t you think?”
Daddy pat the baby’s head. “Yes, it certainly does. Margot...” he said slowly. “I love it.”
“And Delia for her second name.”
Daddy’s eyes flicked open really wide at Mommy.
“Margot Delia White. What do you think?”
“It’s perfect. Just perfect.” Daddy kissed the baby’s head once more. “Can I hold her?”
Mommy slowly handed the baby over to Daddy who cradled Margot in his arms. He started walking around the room, whispering into her little baby ears. Daddy looked so happy. Peaceful. I smiled.
Mommy’s hand was then on my head. “Climb up onto the bed next to me James.” I did what I was told, but to be honest, I wanted to get into bed next to Mommy the moment I walked into the room. She pulled me close so I was nestled next to her under her shoulder like I was a baby bird under her wing.
“Has he said anything about last night?” my Mom asked out loud, but not to me.
Daddy shook his head. “He says he can’t remember anything about what happened. Nothing at all.”
Mommy made a ‘mmm’ sound. “Do you think he’s in shock? Maybe we should get a doctor to look him over.”
“I was thinking the same thing too,” Daddy said staring at me worried again.
Mommy put her finger on my chin and turned my head so I could see her eyes. “James, sweetheart...are you okay? What do you remember about last night? It’s important that you tell Mommy and Daddy everything that you remember. It’s so we can help you.”
I looked at Mom, not able to say anything. I tried again to think about last night, but all I saw was black. Nothing more. “Am I in trouble?” The way they both looked at made me think that something was wrong. That ‘I’ did something wrong.
“You’re not in trouble sweetie. Mommy and Daddy just need to know what you remember...it’s very important that you tell us.”
“Mommy, I can’t remember anything. I’m sorry,” I said, looking down.
“Don’t be sorry sweetheart.” She hugged me tight against her ribs.
Daddy spoke from across the room. “It makes sense he’s blocked it out. With what he saw, it’s more than his little mind can probably cope with. I’m sure he doesn’t understand what happened...or what he did...”
“Do you really think he...” Mommy’s voice trailed off, not finishing what she was going to say.
“I honestly don’t know...I couldn’t see straight when it happened...”
Mommy pat my hair as I leaned against her. “And what happens when he remembers? What do we say to him? What do we do?”
I didn’t know what Mommy and Daddy were talking about, but I knew it was about me. Both sets of eyes were still looking at me full of worry. I wish I could remember what happened, what they were talking about...but it was as if the previous night didn’t exist in my head. Something about time felt out of whack. Like it was misplaced or moved. Then I suddenly saw a vision of a monster, a loud bag. And screams. But as quickly as I saw this flash, it was gone, like it fell into a pit of black mud. I knew the memory was trapped in my head...somewhere.
Daddy walked over and sat on the bed next to me and Mommy. He whispered as he spoke. “I’ll tell you what we do...we make sure every memory from this day on, is filled with beautiful imagery. We’ll fill his mind with the happiest of moments, the kindest of dreams, and the most special experiences. He won’t ever have to remember last night because he will have no need to. We’ll help him keep it buried. They’ll be no reason for it to surface.”
Mommy kissed my head. “It’s not us I’m worried about...I’m certain we can make a happy life for him...but the way he thinks sometimes...I mean he gets smarter every day...I just think his mind will eventually unlock that memory, all on its own.” Mommy sighed. She then held both my hands in her own. “His hands are shaking. Shaking.” She closed her fingers over mine. “See, they remember. They won’t forget.” She looked up at Daddy. “And how can we possibly protect James...from himself?”
{9}
Every artist has a process when they create. For me, it’s working in the middle of the night in nothing but my boxers, covered in wood shavings, tools in hand, and music blaring. The music helps drown out the rest of the world around me and focus on my creative thoughts. It doesn’t seem like a productive way to get things done, but it’s the right formula for me. The music prevents the other thoughts from taking control when I’m focusing on my creative spirit. So I guess you can say that the look on Marcus’ face when he charged into the third bedroom, which was now my workspace, at 2am the following weekend, was something that was both surprise and a ‘what the fuck?’ kind of expression. I knew that because it was the first thing he said.
“What the fuck?” Marcus blared, looking from me to the wood pieces scattered around the room, next to some steel piping. I was in the process of making the foundation of my sculpture. I had spent the last week doing this, night after night...sanding, shaving, carving — repeat.
He laughed before commenting again. “So this is how artists work hey.” Both his hands pointing around the room with a somewhat bemused look on his face.
“Can I help you?” I asked him as I turned down my music. I didn’t care that he had walked in the way he did, it was the time of night that had me asking questions.
Marcus rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the bright lights. “Man, I’d wish you would have told me that you were going to be getting booty calls in the middle of the night. I mean I don’t mind answering the door to a girl like that...but I only got home a couple hours ago...and I’ve got class at nine...”
It took me a few seconds to register what he said, and even then, I was still confused. “Huh? What are you talking about?” I said as the wood dust swirled around us like mist. Perhaps he had come home drunk and was now sleepwalking. That seemed like a reasonable explanation; especially given
he had actually mistaken my room for his own during the week when he had come home drunk as a skunk and crawled into my bed. He even screamed like a banshee when he tried to spoon me thinking I was one of his many girls. I laughed at him for days, and he made me swear that we would never talk about the ‘incident’ ever again, but it was looking like this was going to be another one of those nights.
“Marcus...” I cleared my throat, “Are we going to have to talk about boundaries again? Look, my name is James. J. A. M. E. S. James. Not Rebecca, not Cecile, not Alexandra...James. When you were in my bed the other night...”
“HUSH! You promised me you would never talk about the incident again.” He had said ‘incident’ like it was burning his tongue. The word sounding like a hiss. He even lowered his voice, thinking that our voices could magically carry out of the room and spread around campus. His reaction was ridiculous, but funny all the same.
I couldn’t stop myself laughing, even if I wanted to. “But...” I tried to say, choking down a snicker.
“Never. Ever. Again. Alright.” Marcus’ palms were over his ears, stopping me from saying anymore about it. He waited a minute before he removed his hands, doing it slowly like he was making sure it was safe. “And this isn’t a drunken hallucination this time...James. I’m talking about the gorgeous brunette sitting in our lounge waiting for you. I mean, she’s not normally the type of girl I go for, but damn, I’d make an exception if she showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night.”
His tone of voice was clear, and the color around the irises of his eyes were white. Both factors told me he was lucid and being serious. Yet I was still questioning his state of mind. “Look Marcus, I don’t have any idea who you’re refer...” The door Marcus had come in from creaked open, and Anais slipped in, standing just behind where Marcus stood. Marcus looked directly at me with that cheese-ball grin I’d gotten used to seeing so frequently since moving in.
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