She nodded. “I couldn’t imagine two people who are better suited for one another than you guys. You always were.”
I couldn’t help it. I stared at her in disbelief. The tissue that I’d been lifting to wipe my own face was suspended in midair, my hand frozen. I remembered how she’d flip-flopped between wanting Matthew and me to be friendly with one another and warning us off of each other. And she’d been downright icy toward me the night he’d let me drive the Mustang for the first time. Couple that with the repetitive lectures about not hurting him and not starting something that couldn’t be finished, and she hardly sounded like she had been rooting for us all along. Yet this gift, her words now, made it seem as though she’d always seen it coming.
She ignored my reaction at her about face and gathered up her purse.
“Well,” she said as she rose from the couch, “you two have places to go and people to see, so I’d best get out of here.”
“I’ll walk you out,” I volunteered.
“Okay,” she said with a shrug. She bent over to give Matthew a quick hug goodbye then trailed me out the door.
As soon as the door had shut behind us, I began my questioning.
“What you said back there - about us being meant for each other – is that really how you feel?”
“Of course it is.” Her brow furrowed as if she didn’t understand my reluctance to believe her.
We’d reached the Miata now. The top was down and she flopped her purse onto the passenger seat, then spun around to face me.
“It’s just that for so long you acted like you were against us even looking at one another cross-eyed. Now you’re making us the poster children for soulmates everywhere. Forgive me if I’m a little confused.”
“I was never against you, Lauren. I was anti you hurting my brother. And yourself. I was afraid that you being in the picture would break his heart, but I was wrong. You not being there broke it.”
I stared down at the driveway, guilty as charged.
“I wasn’t in the best place, either,” I said quietly.
I felt her hand on my shoulder. My head remained down; I couldn’t bear to look up at her.
“I know,” she said simply.
I cleared my throat. “You know you can go down with us, right? My dad and Gracie haven’t seen you in ages.”
Blake shook her head. “I’ve got stuff to do at the shop today. Now that we’re all back to normal, you’re inviting them up for Thanksgiving, right? I’ll catch up with them then.”
I hadn’t thought that far in advance. It was only the end of July; I wasn’t yet ready to consider it being late fall before I knew it. “I suppose so. If you want to.”
“I’d like that very much. You guys are the only family I have.”
Impulsively, I grabbed her up in a hug. “Oh, Blake,” I sniffed, “if you make me start crying again, I’m going to kill you.”
She laughed, an infectious sound. I’d missed it.
“Thank you for the scrapbook, hon,” I continued, pulling away and holding her at arm’s length.
“You’re welcome.”
“If I had the amount of talent you have in your little finger, I could really go places.” I joked.
“You don’t have any reason to be jealous. You’ve done the one thing that I’ve never been able to do.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You made my brother want to live again.”
I stood in silence, not sure what to say.
“So I should be thanking you. Happy birthday, Lauren. Go have fun.”
She opened her car door and sat down in the driver’s seat. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay,” I squeaked out.
It was debatable if she heard me or not. Whatever the case, she waved at me as she backed out of her parking space and pulled out of the driveway. I remained frozen in place for a couple seconds after her car disappeared from view, shaking my head and wondering what had just happened.
“Everything okay?” Matthew asked upon my return inside. I’d no idea how long I’d been outdoors. Imagining it hadn’t been more than a couple of minutes, I shrugged and gave him a smile.
“How did you live with her for so long?” I cracked, pointing towards the door. “She really needs a boyfriend or something.”
He smirked. “That’s debatable.”
“I don’t know. It seems to have done you wonders to have a girlfriend,” I teased, gathering a fistful of his shirt in my hand. I pulled him in for a quick kiss, then let go and prepared to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
“To redo my makeup. I’m sure I look like a mess.”
“I’m not sure you should do that yet. Maybe you should just take it with you to Indy,” he suggested.
“Why? Are you planning on making me cry some more?”
He hesitated. “Maybe.”
“Matthew Elliott Snyder,” I chastised, enjoying the fact that I could now torment him with his middle name, “don’t you know that’s rude? It’s my birthday, after all. We’re going down to see my dad. He might not approve of our relationship if I show up all red faced and swollen. Besides, that’s how rumors get started. You know Gracie has an overactive imagination.”
Something about that last statement struck him as hilarious. “That she does. Which reminds me, I’m driving today. She’d be very upset with me if I didn’t bring my car.”
“Okay,” I said, my confusion apparent in my pronunciation of the word, “it’s not a big deal. I just figured I would drive since I know the way. But if you can handle taking directions from a woman, more power to you.”
“Eric really corrupted you, didn’t he?”
“You’re trying to change the subject. And maybe you’re correct. But the burning question of the moment is why are you anticipating me becoming an emotional wreck yet again today?”
Matthew shoved a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. I ignored the fact that my heart accelerated at the gesture. Part of me wanted to drag my fingers through it myself, then slide them down his face as I kissed him passionately. But we had plenty of time for that later. Now, I wanted answers.
“Look, I know what this birthday means for you,” he began, “I talked to your dad about it. And I understand the significance of it.”
Oh. That’s not what I’d expected.
“Today’s the day that I’m now officially older than my mom,” I confirmed with a sigh. She’d been twenty-six when she’d passed. Still, I had to put it into perspective. “Lots of people live longer than their mothers.”
“Right,” he agreed, “just not usually people in their twenties. So it’s a big deal to you.”
I bit my lip, touched at how he instinctively knew when I was trying to cover up my true emotions.
“I thought you might want to spend some time with her today,” he said quietly, “so I figured we’d leave now. And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to meet her.”
He brushed the tears away from my cheeks even before I knew I’d shed them.
“If you’d rather go alone I understand. I can just go over to your dad’s and wait.”
I shook my head. “No, I want you to come.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
If he’d talked to my dad about it, he already knew that when I made a pilgrimage to my mother’s grave, I always went alone. Sure, my dad had accompanied me when I was younger, but it had been years since we’d gone together. It was easier for us to grieve in private as she represented two different people to us. To my dad, she was his wife, his lover, his best friend. To me, she was the quiet confidant, the womanly presence that my life had been lacking for most of its years. I could, and had on many occasions, speak freely with her in a way that I’m sure would have made my dad blush.
Matthew would have also learned that Gracie had never been there. But most importantly, he’d know that Eric had never gone either. Not once during our ten years together had he even consi
dered asking if I’d wanted him to go.
But Matthew had. And that made all the difference in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“You’re sure about this, right?” Matthew asked again as we pulled into the cemetery.
I nodded and gave him a brave smile. My expression was bolstered by my ironic thought that the sound of the Mustang’s engine was loud enough to wake the dead. We were really putting that theory to the test today.
“What?” he asked.
I shook my head, stifling a laugh. “Nothing. Okay, it’s something that’s highly inappropriate.”
“Now I really want to know.”
“Later.”
From memory, I navigated him through the maze of paths that weaved around the graveyard. Fortunately for us, it appeared that we were the only current visitors. I would have really hated for us to interrupt someone’s touching moment with a loved one with our ostentatious ride. When we were as close to my mother’s grave as we were going to get via car, I instructed him to pull over to the very side of the road.
Ever the gentleman, as soon as he’d shut off the ignition, he hopped out of the car and around my side to open the door for me. I peeled off my platform sandals and left them in the car, knowing they weren’t the most suitable footwear choice for the situation. I’d much rather go barefoot than risk twisting my ankle as we walked through the grass.
Matthew’s blue eyes twinkled as he watched me. I could tell he was amused. “Should we have brought hiking boots today?”
“No, it’s really not that far,” I informed him, “but I also don’t want to fall on my butt. I like this dress and it would be a shame to ruin it with grass stains.”
We held hands as I led him to my mother’s plot. It was like second nature to find it; I’d been there so many times. To the untrained eye, most of the headstones appeared surprisingly similar, but I walked right to hers without hesitation.
“Here she is,” I said softly, placing my hand on the top of the granite marker.
The grave marker itself wasn’t anything spectacular. After all, it wasn’t like she or my dad had been anticipating death coming anytime soon for either one of them. They were a young couple just starting out and money had been scarce. What they did have was spent on the necessities and anything left was showered upon me in the form of toys or outfits. They certainly hadn’t even thought about making burial arrangements.
Directly in front of the headstone laid a bouquet of fresh red roses. My dad had been here recently.
“Abigail Elizabeth Jefferies,” Matthew read, “beloved wife and mother.”
“She went by Abby,” I said, recalling what my dad had told me, “she thought Abigail made her sound stuck up.”
“Maybe her parents and mine were cut from the same cloth.”
“So why don’t you go by Matt instead?”
“Because my parents hated the thought of shortening it. They practically bit off anyone’s head if they referred to me by a nickname. After a while, it just stuck to say the full thing.”
“Yeah, because I’m sure they’d think ‘dork’ is much more dignified than ‘Matt’.”
“Blake never called me that before. It happened afterwards, when it didn’t matter what they thought anyway. I think it was borne out of frustration on her part because she didn’t want to refer to me as anything more insulting than that. Somewhere along the line it became like our running inside joke.”
“And ‘sunshine’ was your attempt at retaliation?”
He shrugged. “For a while, she was anything but bright and cheery. And what can I say, I’m nicer than her, even when I’m being ironic.”
“Remind me to be glad that I’m dating you and not her.”
He squeezed my hand, sending a shiver up my arm even though the air outdoors was anything but cool.
“So, I’m not exactly up to speed on my graveyard etiquette. I’m not standing directly on top of her, am I? And do we just reflect quietly or is it okay to talk like this?”
I swung my eyes upward to meet his. He was being completely serious. That endeared him to me even more than him just coming with me.
“You’re fine right where you are,” I verified, “and when I come, I talk to her just like she’s here, sitting on a bench or something. I’d feel stupid if I just stared at her and tried to send her subliminal messages. She’s kind of quiet, though. Sometimes I think she doesn’t listen. Other times I’m sure she’s answering me.”
“I think she’s always listening, don’t you?”
“She’s heard enough about you, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, really?” he smirked, “This ought to be good. I’m surprised I didn’t burst into flames when I showed up here then.”
“Nothing that bad. I promise I gave her a fair and unbiased account of what all happened. So I drug my name through the mud as well. And if my dad will still talk to the both of us, I’m sure that she would, too.”
I turned to my mom’s gravestone. “I told you he’s a keeper.”
“You’re the one that’s a keeper,” he said earnestly, “and your mother would be proud of you, no matter what.”
“You remind me a lot of my dad. And if that’s true, my mother would have been head over heels for you, too.”
“So she’d be firmly on Team Matthew?”
“Right behind Gracie, I’m sure. Obviously, she never met Eric, so she only had my word to go on. My views on him toward the end may not have been the most favorable.”
He pretended to be surprised. I realized that even if he hadn’t spoken with my dad, the news that my ex had never ventured over here to visit wouldn’t have been earth shattering. I for one couldn’t imagine Eric trekking out here in his business suit to have a chat with his girlfriend’s deceased mother. Or maybe I could; he was pretty talented at striking up a conversation with almost anyone. It would be difficult to delve into his favorite topic – life insurance – with her, though.
I snickered, then clasped my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound.
“What’s so funny?” Matthew asked.
I shook my head. “Again, probably inappropriate.”
“And I thought that taking you here would make you all weepy. I think it’s had the opposite effect.”
“I think it would be different if I’d just lost her. But the majority of my life has been spent right here, talking with her like this. It’s difficult to be sad when this is normal. I think that’s why it would hurt so much more to come with my dad, because he actually remembers her and he’s still grieving. I’m a sympathetic crier. I have pictures and a gravestone, but no real memories. But it does make me want to cry with you being here, sharing this with me.”
“Why? I didn’t intend for this to hurt you.”
“I know. I just know how difficult this must be for you. You had a hard time coming to terms with this crazy coincidence in our lives. This is kind of like it coming full circle.”
“I’d do anything for you, Lauren. You know that.”
“I do. It’s just good to have you here, to prove to yourself that lightning isn’t going to strike you down for something that you did years ago.”
He looked around us. “The sky looks pretty sunny today, but I suppose there’s still time for a storm.”
I elbowed him before pulling me close to me.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“For what?”
“For doing anything for me. Including this.”
“What can I say? You should spend time with your mom on your birthday. After all, she’s the one who did all of the work twenty-seven years ago.”
“I wish you could have met her. You know, in person and all.”
“I wish you would have gotten an opportunity to really know her.”
The tears did come as I rested my head against his chest. He let me cry, saying nothing to shush me. His fingers ran through my hair as I grieved for what had been taken away from me so many years ago, the experiences th
at most girls took for granted that I had never had. As awesome of a parent as my dad was and continued to be, he couldn’t fully make up for her not being here.
I wondered if things had been different, if she was still alive, if my life would have fallen so far off track during the past year. If she would have voiced her opinion on the whole situation with my job, Eric and Matthew, or if she would have stood quietly by and let me figure it out on my own. My father had pretty much stepped aside and not interfered; I wasn’t sure how outspoken she would have been.
Maybe she would have let me make the same mistakes, but I imagined she wouldn’t have let me fall into the deep depression that I had. I’d been able to hide it from my dad for the most part, but she would have seen through my act. Sure, she’d have allowed me a few days to sob and complain, but it wouldn’t have carried on for the better part of six months.
Then I realized if she hadn’t have died, perhaps nothing would have worked out the way it had. Even if everything else would have remained the same until the second that I stepped foot in Fort Wayne, maybe Matthew would never have opened up to me at all. The sole reason I’d even found out about his past was because of me mentioning her accident. He’d come to trust me because on some sick, twisted level I understood his plight – even if I was on the opposite side of the spectrum.
If we didn’t have that connection between us, would we have ended up where we were now?
He held me for several long minutes, letting me silently run through my what ifs. The sun beat down on my bare shoulders, warming me from the outside in. It almost felt as if my mother was there with us, giving me a sign that everything was at it should be.
There was nothing that I could have done way back then to change it anyway.
Eventually the tears dried. I still clung to Matthew, comforted by his strong arms, the way he smelled, the feel of his heart beating against my cheek. I focused on the rise and fall of his chest, attempting to calm my own breathing by matching it to his.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized when I found my voice.
“Don’t be.”
His finger traced the line of my jaw, then settled underneath my chin. He tilted my face upward so that I looked him eye to eye. We stared at each other in silence and I wished that I could have the same connection with him that Blake had, where she could seemingly read his mind. I wanted so badly to know what he was trying to tell me with those eyes, what he couldn’t bring himself to put words to.
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