by Lacey Legend
“A problem. What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve got two terms left and my most recent check was cancelled. They’ve represented the check and the funds weren’t there.”
“What’s that mean?” Liana wasn’t sure why she asked the question, because she knew exactly what it meant - as did Jenna.
“It means Leon told his uncle not to pay my university fees. It means I have to self-fund or pull out.”
“You can’t pull out with only two terms to go,” said Liana, incredulously.
“But we don’t have the money to fund my fees, either. There’s no way our household earns enough to be considered by a bank for a loan to cover the costs and even if we were, I’d be spending more time working to meet the monthly payments than actually studying.”
Liana swore strongly. Jenna couldn’t be bothered to chastise her sister by reminding her of baby Zada’s presence.
“This is Leon, isn’t it?” inquired Liana.
“Yes, it is.”
“What are your options?”
“I need to go to the university first and see what they suggest and then formulate a plan from there.”
“Jen, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe he’d do this to you.”
“Neither can I,” concurred a wounded Jenna.
The news from the admissions office wasn’t positive. Jenna didn’t qualify for scholarships, nor financial help under extraordinary circumstances. She was able to put her studies on hold until she had the money to pay for her final two terms, but that was the only real option available. She sat on the campus grounds for hours, tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering what on earth she was going to do.
“You’ll do what your mother did,” she told herself, “you’ll get a job, work hard and make ends meet. Maybe you’ll have enough money to save up and get your degree one day, maybe you won’t, but you’ll conduct yourself as a decent, hardworking human being.”
It should’ve sounded like a pep talk to buzz her up, but the silent tears became sobs as she saw her dreams slipping away from her. She studied hard for this degree. She didn’t have Liana’s natural brains so she’d invested a lot of time and effort obtaining her admirable grades. She dreamed of helping kids like herself out of the circumstances they were born into, so they could have a dream and achieve it. The truth was, she was just another kid from the block that had the big dream she couldn’t make come true. She was a joke. She’d disappointed everyone.
Telling her mother the news would be the most heartbreaking. Jenna’s mother was infinitely proud of her daughter’s commitment to her studies and to have to walk away because of a lousy ex-boyfriend would break her heart.
Their lousy father walked out on them leaving Hannah a single mom. She’d done her best to raise independent daughters, but Jenna threw away her teenage years skipping school and getting up to all sorts of foolish things. Jenna fell in love with a charismatic, handsome, silver-tongued boy who t was more comfortable with a gun in his hand than a calculator or pen. Jenna was merely repeating the cycle her mother strove so hard to break.
There was no point in attending classes. Jenna headed home. Keen to avoid Liana, she spent the afternoon in the playground. Few children used the area, so Jenna didn’t feel or look out of place as she made use of the equipment.
“Remember when we used to play on here late at night?”
Jenna raised her head to see Leon. Wordlessly she jumped off the roundabout.
“Where you going, girl?”
She opened the gate and walked past him.
“Jenna, why you gotta be like this? Why are you fighting what’s natural?”
An anger Jenna had never known bubbled inside her. She wanted to slap his face, pound her fists on his chest, and scream at him.
“That’s what a girl would do,” she reminded herself. “A woman would keep her dignity intact and leave without making a scene.”
“You know I can make this right for us, babe? All you gotta do is give me one date. One date and I swear I’ll pay those fees up front for both terms the next day. One date and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll still pay the fees, but I won’t harass you. I promise you. I’m a man of my word.”
Jenna remembered Leon’s promise that when he was released from jail he would keep his distance from her so she could get on with her life. He’d not only broken that promise, but gone out of his way to destroy the future she’d been working so hard to provide for herself. It was on the tip of her tongue to remind him of that broken promise.
“He’s not worth the effort,” she reminded herself, before walking back to her apartment block.
Hannah was surprised to see her daughter lying listless on the couch when she came in from work past 11 pm.
“Where’s that handsome billionaire of yours?”
“He’s not mine, Mom.”
“You didn’t say much about the weekend. Not as compatible as you thought?”
“Mom, he’s a billionaire and I’m...well look at us – look at what we are.”
“He didn’t strike me as a man driven solely by money. I thought he was making a real effort in terms of our family.”
“He was.”
“Then what?”
“Mom, how would you define an independent woman?”
Hannah lifted her daughter’s feet and sat on the sofa. She was quiet for a while contemplating the answer. “I believe an independent woman is a woman who isn’t subject to another person’s authority. She’s free from control and free to make her own choices in life.”
“And she never relies on a man for money?”
“She never relies on a man for money, no,” agreed Hannah, “but she knows when to ask for a helping hand to achieve what she wants. She also knows the right helping hand to choose. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness or ineptitude, it actually demonstrates a woman with a realistic vision on how life works.
But never, ever ask for a helping hand if it means you losing your freedom, because then you become reliant on others and I don’t think that’s a good thing for any man or woman.” Her mother was silent for a minute, then asked, “Have you asked the billionaire for money?”
“No,” snapped Jenna indignantly.
“I imagine someone of his caliber would hate being used for money. You need to tread carefully there. He’s the type of man that will wine and dine you, but you need to show him your appreciation and I’m not talking about in the bedroom. Treat him with respect. Trust him. Involve him with your dreams. Otherwise he’ll feel used.”
“I have a feeling I got this whole feisty independent woman act completely muddled up and I think Spencer’s a casualty in my ignorance.”
“Spencer’s a big boy. I’m sure he can handle the mistakes of a twenty-one year old if he wants to.”
“And if he doesn’t want to.”
“Then he’s not the man for you. He’s handsome, polite, well spoken, his brown eyes are so caring, he’s effortlessly charming, and I can see how much you’d like him to be your knight in shining white armor. I’d love for him to rescue you from this apartment and give you the kind of surroundings where all your dreams come true, but sometimes life isn’t a fairytale. Sometimes we have to accept that just because we love with all our heart it doesn’t mean they’ll love us back with the same ferocity.”
“It doesn’t seem fair.”
“No. I loved your father. I loved him to the moon and back, but he never loved me the same way. Deep down I probably always knew that, but I kept hoping things would change. If we got married, he might love me more, if we had a baby he’d see me differently, if we had a family he’d want to be a part of it.
He should never have led me on to believe those things, but if I’d taken care right when we started dating, I’d have noticed things that highlighted the differences in our feelings for one another. Perhaps I’d have made different choices. I wouldn’t be without you or Liana, but I wonder if I’d gone in with open eyes how our lives might’ve b
een different.”
“What’s the moral of that horrid fairytale?”
“The moral of the story is - don’t believe in the dream. Create it but don’t pretend it already exists.”
“I wanted to love him.”
“But now you’ve spent more time with Spencer, you realize you don’t?”
“No. Now I’ve spent more time with Spencer I realize I do. It’s just that I was playing at being a princess, pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know how he feels about me and he can’t possibly say how he feels about me because I’ve flitted between being Jenna and some independent princess that doesn’t need a man. I got frightened by how fairylike our tale started that I stopped acting naturally and tried acting in a way I thought he expected. He may never give me a second chance.”
Jenna waited for her mother to assure her that Spencer would certainly give her a second chance.
“Jenna, you can only be honest with him and be yourself. The choice is his, not yours.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I’m sure he’ll take that into account. A man like him lives in a complicated world, maybe the reason he liked you was because you’ve always been simple, direct and straight to the point. No pretensions.”
“So there is still hope?”
“Jenna, no relationship can survive if there’s no trust. I can’t predict the outcome of your predicament. I’m a cleaner, not a fortune teller. It sounds clichéd, baby girl, but love hurts. I’m only your mother. I’ll cheer you on when you need it and pick up the pieces if you shatter and I’ll cross my fingers and hope you find true happiness with the right person.”
There was no point crying and no point telling her mom about the university fees dilemma. It could all wait until the morning, because whatever happened, Jenna knew her mother was right by her side and not going to abandon her under any circumstances and no matter how many silly mistakes she was prone to making in her youth.
Chapter 16
Spencer was surprised by Jenna’s suggestion that they meet at the Washington Square Arch. True, it was only a stone’s throw from her university’s campus, but given they were meeting for lunch, he wasn‘t sure where she was intending on taking him. Dressed in his usual suit for work, he smiled inwardly as Jenna came into his vision. She was dressed in jeans and an NYU slim fitting pastel pink t-shirt. It made him remember how young she was. She was lugging a wicker hamper.
“I wasn’t sure we’d be able to agree on a place to eat and I knew you’d be limited for time, so I thought I’d bring lunch.”
Habitually, as he did with all female friends, Spencer gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He took the hamper.
“Any ideas on where the best place to sit is?” he enquired.
As it was the last of the summer season, the park was throbbing with people.
“There’s a fountain nearby. It’s crowded, but I find it sweet to watch the kids and carefree tourists playing in the water.”
Spencer followed her lead. Having found a suitable spot, Jenna laid out a blanket and opened the basket.
“I hope the wine’s stayed chilled. You get these gadgets that claim to keep them chilled, but you never know how effective they are. For all I know, it may have ended up making the sandwiches soggy.”
“She’s nervous,” thought Spencer.
He was filled with pity. She’d clearly gone to a huge degree of effort to pack the hamper and wanted everything to be perfect. He placed his hand over Jenna’s and felt it shaking.
“Jenna, it’s okay. I’m not in a rush and I doubt anything’s spoiled. Let’s take our time and unpack so we can relax.”
Jenna wanted to cry at how perfectly sensitive he was. They unpacked miniature scotch eggs, pork pies and Cornish pasties. There were cucumber, egg and lettuce, and smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwiches, as well as cold chicken and quiches. For something sweeter, she’d included scones, Battenberg cake and strawberries and fresh cream. Jenna had a red and white wine, a rose and a flask of earl grey and breakfast tea.
“I don’t know what half this stuff is, but on the internet it said this was a British picnic hamper. Some of the bits, I could make at home, but other things I had to buy.”
Spencer was touched by her endeavors. The whole date was reinforcing in him their age gap and the error of judgment he’d made by contemplating a relationship with Jenna. It had nothing to do with money; she didn’t have the life experience for them to be a successful couple.
“Jenna, I can’t tell you how impressed I am by the effort. I can’t think of any girl that’s ever gone to this much trouble for me.”
Jenna’s smile was heartbreaking. Spencer girded his loins. Ending any relationship whether amicable or not was never pleasant.
They ate in silence and watched the children splash in the fountains and the tourists’ debate on whether they should paddle or not.
“If I didn’t have work to go back to, I’d be half inclined to join them,” said Spencer finally breaking the silence.
“Me too,” agreed Jenna.
It was the opening she needed to initiate conversation.
“Spencer about the weekend.”
Spencer wasn’t sure whether to make eye contact with her or not. He flicked his eyes towards her to acknowledge he was listening, but reverted back to the wet and wild scene in front of him lest he intimidate her clearly rehearsed speech.
“I haven’t been totally honest with you. The night we got back from Paris, it transpired that Leon, my ex-boyfriend, had been released from jail.”
Jenna could see Spencer’s body stiffen.
“I knew you already knew of his existence from the private investigator, and disapproved. I thought it prudent not to tell you.”
She saw Spencer hurl the remnants of his quiche towards a pigeon for it to finish.
“Leon and I made a promise to one another that when he was released we’d steer clear of one another, because together we’d been nothing but trouble. Apart, we both seemed to have made progress in our lives. With that in mind, I really didn’t think it worth mentioning. Only....”
“Only Leon didn’t steer clear of you and you didn’t keep your distance from him,” said Spencer frostily.
“How did you know? You had a private investigator on me again?”
“No,” said Spencer slowly. “It makes sense. It’s not even a lucky guess. A simple and correct deduction.”
“Leon was making a real effort when he came out. He got a job and he was behaving like a changed man. I think that jail sentence forced him to reconsider his life and make positive changes. The trouble was, he thought that because we’d both matured and changed that maybe our relationship had, too.”
Spencer sat as still as a statue.
“I didn’t feel the same way. At first I felt sorry for him. I figured he was lonely. His old friends were still part of the gang he once ran with so he couldn’t hang out with them. He had no new friends. It was natural that he’d gravitate toward me as the only person he knew. I want to be a social worker. I thought if I didn’t respond to his overtures for friendship or companionship, it may send him back down a dangerous path.
I didn’t want to see that happen. Not after all the effort he made. For me, it was nothing more than a professional desire to help. Maybe I felt some obligation because of our history, but nothing more than that. But Leon wanted more. When I said no, it felt like he was threatening me.”
“Did you go to the police?”
“No. I hoped it would go away. He’s started a new job. I figured he’d make new friends and get a new girlfriend. But he seems determined that we should try again. When you met me last Friday to go to Portland, he sent a text. I don’t know if he had a friend watching me or if he was following me, but it freaked me out. That’s why I turned my phone off.”
“And I told you to turn it back on again.”
“Yeah. But Mom and Liana only wanted to touch base; the excessive texts
were from Leon. It may sound over the top, but I was worried about your safety. I thought if I kept my distance then maybe I could protect you. I drove a huge wedge between us, which has separated us, so I guess I did protect you, but I don’t want to be apart from you. I only wanted to make sure Leon wouldn’t hurt you.”
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions – isn’t that what they say?”
“Can’t we pave a road back to some place nice?” suggested Jenna.
Spencer was silent. In a way, he was glad he’d met Jenna. The conversation had cleared certain matters up. Jenna wasn’t using him for money and he obviously wasn’t as dull as clay in respect of being boyfriend material. The confession didn’t change anything. It didn’t make him want to be with Jenna. It just made him feel sorry for her.
“I don’t think so, Jenna. I’m glad to hear you’ve seen the light with this Leon, because however legitimate he may be since finishing his term in jail, I don’t think he’s the kind of guy who is going to be able to support your dreams in life. You need to wise up. Not every man that’s kind to you or speaks nicely to you is going to be Mr. Right. You can’t rescue everyone, especially if it’s at the cost of your own....”
“Happiness?” said Jenna, filling in the blank for Spencer.
“Were you happy with me?” asked Spencer.
“Intimidated, out of place, immature, patronized, lacking in manners – I was all those things around you, but I can promise you, I was never unhappy with you Spencer. I was genuinely happy with you when it was only us two.”
“And by reaching out to Leon you threw away your chance of happiness.”
Jenna’s heart beat faster and she felt she might be sick. This wasn’t how she wanted things to go. This wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
“What a waste,” said Spencer glumly.
He packed the hamper up for Jenna, signaling the conversation had ended. In his haste to pack, Jenna thought he might roll her clean off the blanket and onto the grass.
“Can I ask you a question Spencer?”
“There’s no point now, Jenna. I really respect you explaining to me about Portland. It actually has put my mind at rest about a lot of questions and self doubts I had. And I’m sure you’re stunned by the fact that a billionaire could possibly have insecurities. Before you, I was content being a playboy. I tried dating with you and it went so horrendously wrong it got me thinking that maybe by nature I’m not designed to have one partner.