Through The Wormhole, Literally
David Winship
Copyright © 2015 David Winship
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1508718407
ISBN-13: 978-1508718406
For all who have had close encounters with me on this planet, and especially for those who managed not to snigger when I left it behind occasionally to write this book.
Contents
THE WORMHOLE REPORTS
EARTHWATCH UNCOVERED
ONE WAY TICKET
THE STOVE BOAT
EXILE AND BEYOND
THE ANSWER IS … A PENGUIN
WHEN PARALLEL WORLDS COLLIDE
1
THE WORMHOLE REPORTS
The Voyager 1 space probe was launched by NASA on September 5, 1977, to study the outer solar system and, ultimately, interstellar space. It carried a gold-plated audio-visual disc in the event that it might be found by intelligent life-forms from other planetary systems. The disc carried photos of the Earth and its life-forms, spoken greetings from people including the President of the United States, Jimmy Carter, and a medley of sounds from Earth, including whales, a baby crying, waves breaking on a shore and music, including works by Mozart and Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode”. It got picked up by two itinerant spacecombers from Morys Minor. One of them, smolin9, was subsequently dispatched to Earth to assess the suitability of the planet for colonisation…
Planet Investigation
Investigator: smolin9
Target Planet: The Pale Blue Dot
Date Investigator Assigned: 12.19.18.11.6
Investigation Scope: The investigation will focus on the suitability of the target planet for colonisation. The objective of the investigation is to determine the credibility of the referral source (Jimmy Carter, Voyager 1).
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.11.6:
How are you all doing back on Morys Minor? This is smolin9 here with my first wormhole report from the Pale Blue Dot. First of all, it’s ridiculously easy to get in here. Nobody stopped me to ask for ID. I could have been a green-snouted goopmutt from Ynonmaq Decimus for all they knew. Their wormhole controls are an absolute joke. I came in under a Mark II Craterkite cloaking device. Hell, that was cheap, supplying me with equipment like that! Tell polkingbeal67 I’ll have his blips for belt-nozzles when I get back. There are other illegal aliens too. I’ve seen a whole army of those ant-like chillok creatures from Oov. I wonder what they’re up to.
Anyway, I’m here. According to my research, a lot of earthlings believe this planet was created in six days – frankly, I’m surprised it took that long. I haven’t found this President Carter yet. Do you think he’s human or some other life form? You never told me there were so many species on this damn planet.
I managed to get one of our foxp2 speech-conversion implants into a small furry creature with a prehensile tail that I’ve just identified as a mouse. He hasn’t had too much to say for himself yet. Just keeps asking for chocolate and cheese. I hope I haven’t wasted an implant. When I work out what chocolate and cheese are, I should be able to do a trade. More of him later, no doubt.
Chances of finding intelligent life here? Pretty remote, I’d say. There’s no evidence that the life forms can even control the basic elements. I did a reccy around one of the bigger land masses earlier today. A house caught fire every 45 Blue Dot seconds. No, it wasn’t the same house! Ha ha. Tell polkingbeal67 that was a joke. No don’t bother, he wouldn’t understand.
I’m going to follow this mouse for a while. Perhaps he’ll lead me to Jimmy Carter eventually. Okay, that’s the end of this report. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.11.10:
Smolin9 here again with another wormhole report from the Pale Blue Dot. I definitely wasted a foxp2 implant on that mouse. He still hasn’t welcomed me to his planet and won’t talk to me unless the subject is chocolate or cheese. I’ve tried to widen my circle and meet new Blue Dot life forms. I’ve deciphered some primitive datagrams on my microwocky and made 202 friends on something called Facebook. I don’t know what species they are yet. I think it’s a combination of humans and farm animals. Some keep poking me but others are quite friendly. I thought they’d be alarmed to encounter an alien life form from a distant galaxy, but they say they like my status. Not many mice on there. I’m not surprised.
Tell polkingbeal67 he might be right about earthling humans. What I’ve seen on Facebook suggests they haven’t got enough neural circuits in their brains to power a standard phase one microwocky. I offered my Facebook friends the chance to share reflections on the more challenging aspects of string theory and gluon particles, but the only reply I got suggested I go and seek sexual congress with someone. I really fail to see how unleashing primitive biological urges contributes to the debate.
Anyway, this planet is a mess. Who does the planetwork here? The land masses have got forests growing all over them. Yuk! There’s snow all over the mountains and nobody’s brushed the deserts for eons. You’d at least expect them to organise and label things. It’s impossible to find your way around. I thought Morys was bad until I saw this. Perhaps they only clean up at the end of each epoch like they do on Oov. Lazy devils! Speaking of Oov, you remember I wrote about seeing some of those ant-like chilloks? I think they were plotting to take over the planet. It backfired on them big time. Dozens of them got ‘oovered up yesterday by a bear-like creature with a long snout.
Next time, I’ll tell you more about eating habits here. Gross! The heterotrophs eat each other. They even eat the autotrophs! Can you believe that? What a hideous vortex of entropy! I can’t wait till I finish my mission and get back to Morys. No sign of President Carter yet. I’m going to sign off now. Say hi to polkingbeal67 for me. Tell him I’ll bring him back a stick of rock. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.12.9:
Smolin9 here again, reporting from the Pale Blue Dot. I’ve just had a tangy vitalmados micro pill for dinner. The dopamine release is so cool. Just love the way it conjures up that feeling of cruising along the Daladax in an orbiter during a triple eclipse, while your primary tongue dips into the force field of an Oovian zeptotransmitter. Can’t wait for the next one in 17 Blue Dot days! I’m still trying to get information out of the mouse with the foxp2 implant. Unfortunately for him, vitalmados always gives me wind. I just had a significant nitrogen mishap and he was gone - took off like an unstable tachyon! Just a blur of tail and whiskers. Never mind. I’ll catch up with him later.
You’ll be pleased to hear I’ve made some progress in tracking down President Carter. Well, it’s sort of good news and bad news. I’ve been using telepathic communication with some of the life forms here. I picked up on a weird pollinator with a furry striped butt. She was broadcasting mental images of a cellular structure remarkably similar to our revered leader’s palace on Morys Minor. Well, I tried out polkingbeal67′s “tried and tested” mirror technique on her. You know the thing: she flicks her antenna, I flick my fingers above my head; she waggles her abdomen, I waggle mine. According to polkingbeal67, the life form is supposed to get fooled into believing we’re in sync, that we’re connected on a subconscious level. Well, hey, it doesn’t work! She just led me to a clump of flowers and tried to sting me when she realised I wasn’t another pollinator. Charming! The behaviour of these life forms is so confusing and unstructured. They can’t compete with me on an intellectual level so they resort to intimidating me physically. Don’t worry, I haven’t lost heart. I’ll keep trying. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.13.1:
Smolin9 reporting again from the Pale Blue Dot. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flatte
ry. Hmm. I know our code dictates that we shouldn’t imitate non-human life forms except to protect ourselves under duress, but I was getting nowhere trying to find Jimmy Carter by telepathy. So I decided to use my biomimetic mutator to transform myself into a female mouse so that I could try out a honey trap on that stupid rodent with the foxp2 implant. We started to gel straight away. I gained his confidence with some cheese and we hung out together for a while. I really went for it. He said he was into gadgets. I asked what kind of gadgets. He said he was getting into things like ladders and spinning wheels. I said that was amazing because I loved ladders. I think he was hooked at that moment. We had dinner together. After a while, the conversation stopped and our eyes met. His pupils kind of dilated. We both knew what was happening. We leaned towards each other. We kissed, tentative at first. Then he was sucking my lip and licking my whiskers. I thought – we’re there: cue intimate relations, followed by intimate revelations of the President Carter kind. But it turned out he was only after cheese crumbs. I felt like giving him a blast with my micro beam plasma projector. I would have done too, but you just can’t operate the gun when you’re transformed into a mouse. All you’ve got is that prehensile tail and those ridiculously tiny feet!
Well, so much for flattery and so much for the honey trap. Preposterous rodent! I hope it rains cats and dogs! Ha ha. Tell polkingbeal67 that’s a joke. There again, don’t bother. Anyway, I’ve just about had it with mice. I’m going to reverse the configuration on the mutator, go back to my old form and find something on this planet that’s a little higher on the evolutionary tree. Uh oh! Something’s wrong with the mutator settings. And now what is that mouse doing? Excuse me a moment. How do I get tech support? You know, I think that damn mouse is making amorous advances. Hey! Too late now, pal! Ugh! It keeps sniffing me. I’ll have to get back to you. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.13.18:
It’s me, smolin9, reporting again from the Pale Blue Dot. Guess what? I was trying to avoid that crazy libidinous rodent when I picked up a disturbance in the time vortex. Something came through the inter-dimensional doorway, hoovered up the mouse and disappeared with it. That’ll teach me to leave the door open. And, damn, I’ve lost a perfectly good foxp2 implant!
However, I have made some progress in my investigation – President Carter is not a dolphin. It’s a shame really. Dolphins are such nice, smiley creatures and it would have been fun to get to know them better. I know we’d have just clicked. Anyway, amazingly, I think Carter may be a human. At least, his language patterns match those of humans. I must admit at first I completely dismissed the idea that earthling humans could be responsible for Voyager 1. They’re such an irrational, superstitious species with traits that should have disappeared from their gene pool eons ago. They have vestigial tailbones, superfluous toes and teeth, not to mention strange little clumps of hair on their bodies that serve no purpose whatsoever. Their feet have 250,000 sweat glands and, let me tell you, they are seriously smelly. You’ll laugh but some parts of their faces, like their noses and ears, never stop growing and they drill holes in them!
Get this! Earthling humans spend a third of their lives sleeping! Oh yes, and they’ve evolved a reddening of the face that lets other earthling humans know when they’re guilty of something. But it keeps malfunctioning, so sometimes they go red when they’re not guilty. Ha ha. And boy do they breed! If the population of one of their larger land masses walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of their rate of reproduction! Their brain chemistry is similar to mice, so it may not surprise you to hear they get totally obsessed with idiotic activities like wacking balls into various receptacles. Different coloured balls, hard balls, soft balls, misshapen ones, large ones, small ones with dimples. Very odd.
I can’t tell you how far they are along the path of civilisation. It’s hard to make out. Some seem to have progressed beyond tool-using and cave-painting, but most of them are happy just taking in nourishment, expelling waste matter and wacking balls around. It seems gravity only became apparent to them when an apple fell on somebody’s head!
Any idea how I can get the mouse back? I need to retrieve the foxp2 implant so I can embed it in an earthling human and continue the investigation. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.14.19:
Hi, smolin9 here, still trying to make sense of things on the Pale Blue Dot. I’m not at my best today. My endorphin levels are depleted and I weep for our species when I think about polkingbeal67 and what he did to me. I suppose you know he sneaked through the inter-dimensional doorway with a cloaking device and stole my mouse? Just to satisfy his delinquent curiosity. Yes I know he returned the pathetic creature, but everyone knows you’ve got to give rudimentary life-forms a homeodynamic disruption antidote before they can pass through the portal. Polkingbeal67 forgot. If you could only see the poor thing now. Its epithelial cells have turned fluorescent and it looks like a quivering glob of radioactive jello. With whiskers. And now you say you want to set up a two-way communication channel between me and polkingbeal67, using the wormhole? That’s just terrific. I don’t see how my reports will make sense to him. The amygdala part of his brain was damaged when he used a modified plasma beam to get rid of his acne. He’s physiologically incapable of feeling or understanding emotions. It’s unnerving to say the least. Come to think of it, you could probably replace him with a simple piece of software.
Anyway, I’ve recovered the foxp2 implant. Now I’ve got to find a suitable human recipient. I’m still trying to get over the shock of finding out President Carter is not a dolphin or a chimpanzee. According to my research, chimpanzees were travelling in space well before earthling humans.
Actually, these earthling humans crack me up. Perhaps there’s more to them than meets the eye. Perhaps the nut doesn’t reveal the tree it contains. But they’re still trying to figure out why quantum mechanics and general relativity aren’t compatible. Some believe in string theory and some argue for loop quantum gravity. So you either get stringy humans or loopy ones. Good grief. According to a telepathic survey I conducted yesterday, most humans think neutrinos are some kind of breakfast confectionery! Let’s see now: how many earthling humans would it take to change a light bulb? The answer is two - one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe. Ha ha. Hey, that’s the sort of thing I wouldn’t be able to share with polkingbeal67.
At least the implant won’t need much reconfiguring. Earthling human brain chemistry is actually very similar to mice. I know I had a bad experience with the mouse, but I’m using the biomimetic mutator again and I’ve been fine-tuning my new earthling human look. I’ve decided to simulate a young Caucasian male. I’ve got me some big Bermuda shorts and a skateboard. Do you think I’ll get along okay without eyebrows?
I’ve sorted out a geographical location. I’ve been doing some research and I like the look of the land they call Egypt. I’ve heard pyramids are great for skateboarding. Their culture is fascinating. All those mummies – they’ve really got it wrapped up! Sorry, but I’ve got to get all this humour out of my system before I start reporting to polkingbeal67.
Right, shorts on. Skateboard. I’m ready to navigate unknown waters as an earthling human. I’m sure I’ll blend in perfectly. The nut will not reveal the tree it contains! Egypt, here I come. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.18.15.13:
polkingbeal67: Greetings, smolin9. This is a holographic image of myself, polkingbeal67, and we are communicating using a telepresence channel in the wormhole between Morys Minor and the Pale Blue Dot. Please proceed with your report.
smolin9: Earth.
polkingbeal67: Earth?
smolin9: The human inhabitants of this planet don’t call it the Pale Blue Dot like we do. They call it Earth. I’ve found out a lot of stuff since my last report.
polkingbeal67: Earth? Couldn’t they come up with a better name than Earth? It sounds like someone being punched in the belly
. Anyway, how do I look as a hologram?
smolin9: Oh, you look resplendent. Like the first gleam of dawn on Omega Kasan.
polkingbeal67: Thank you. No, wait, are you using that earthling humanoid sarcasm thing I’ve been warned about?
smolin9: Okay, let me take a proper look at you. Smile!
polkingbeal67: Like this?
smolin9: Oh, stop! That’s really terrifying! And, by the way, are you going to apologise for what you did to my mouse?
polkingbeal67: Oh yes, sorry. I remember. I had a little mishap getting him through the portal, didn’t I?
smolin9: Mishap? That wasn’t just a mishap in a portal. That mouse had been slammed into the timewarp equivalent of a revolving door. I thought we were here to analyse these life-forms, not annihilate them.
polkingbeal67: I said I was sorry. Anyway, you’d better get on with your report. You said you’ve learned things since last time.
smolin9: Well, yes, according to what I learned on the microwocky during my journey to Egypt, earthling humans believe they constructed the pyramids themselves! Ha ha! A pyramid comprises about two million blocks of stone, each one weighing two and a half Earth tons. And this would have been approximately 5000 Earth years ago! Y’know, I’m starting to like these earthlings. They’re so unpredictable. When I used telepathic broadcast to tell them the pyramids were built by green-snouted goopmutts fleeing from Ynonmaq Decimus, they seemed to find it funny. So I explained how the renegade goopmutts had been banished for converting Ynonmaq’s oceans into liquid vitalmados. And I made it clear they were doomed to spend the rest of their days as itinerant stone tent dwellers…
Through The Wormhole, Literally Page 1