Set the controls for the Pale Blue Dot and keep the wormhole open!
Investigator Diary 12.19.19.5.18:
polkingbeal67: This is polkingbeal67 reporting back to the mother planet from the Pale Blue Dot.
smolin9: And me.
polkingbeal67: And you?
smolin9: I’m also reporting back. I was here before you, remember? I’m the one who did all the groundwork, patiently studying the life-forms and building up a network of useful contacts before you came blundering on the scene in full battle-dress and no cloaking device, terrifying two earthling humans and a dog walking in the park!
polkingbeal67: That was no dog. It was a mutant goopmutt.
smolin9: What do you mean? Of course it was a dog! It had five toes on its forefeet and four toes on its hind feet, with non-retractile claws. It was a domesticated carnivorous mammal of the family Canidae. It had a tail and it barked. It was a dog!
polkingbeal67: It growled and bared its teeth, just like a goopmutt.
smolin9: That’s what dogs do when they’re scared.
polkingbeal67: You crazy prokaryote! It was a mutant goopmutt! Let me explain to you. If it was just a dog, why did the humans worship it?
smolin9: What?
polkingbeal67: They followed behind and collected its excrement. If that’s not worship, I don’t know what is!
smolin9: So, you thought it was a mutant goopmutt, eh? Is that why you ran away?
polkingbeal67: May I remind you that you ran too? In fact, you ran first.
smolin9: I’m scared of dogs!
polkingbeal67: You would never have outrun it anyway.
smolin9: I didn’t need to outrun it.
polkingbeal67: Why not?
smolin9: I only needed to outrun you.
polkingbeal67: Eh? Anyway, it was ridiculous – two proud warriors from Morys Minor running in abject terror from a mutant goopmutt!
smolin9: Dog.
polkingbeal67: Whatever.
smolin9: Well, what I want to know is – why did it just keel over and die like that? You never told me. What did it die of?
polkingbeal67: Oh, nothing serious.
smolin9: Nothing serious? It died, didn’t it? I think that makes it quite serious for the dog.
polkingbeal67: Goopmutt.
smolin9: Did you shoot it?
polkingbeal67: What? Of course not. Er, I used mind control. Have you never heard of psychological warfare?
smolin9: You can’t actually physically kill something using psychological weapons!
polkingbeal67: Bubblehead! I didn’t use mind control on the goopmutt. I used it on you.
smolin9: Me?
polkingbeal67: Yes. I fooled you into believing it was dead.
smolin9: What!
polkingbeal67: Okay, okay, I shot it! It kept coming up behind me and sniffing me!
smolin9: I expect it was only trying to worship you!
polkingbeal67: Okay, signing off. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.19.6.16:
polkingbeal67: This is polkingbeal67 reporting from the Pale Blue Dot. I don’t know where smolin9 is.
smolin9: I’m here.
polkingbeal67: You’re late. Where’ve you been?
smolin9: You remember Melinda?
polkingbeal67: Oh help. The earthling woman you nearly married?
smolin9: Yes. We’re getting back together and we’re… you know, going to get married again. Well, not married again. You know what I mean. I know you don’t approve, but I still think it could be a defining moment in our alliance with this planet.
polkingbeal67: Defining moment? I’d define the moment as demented, cracked, crazy, preposterous, screwball. And please remember I’m exercising a great deal of restraint here.
smolin9: So you’re slowly coming round to the idea?
polkingbeal67: You crazy prokaryote! I said restraint, not consent!
smolin9: There’s a problem anyway. We may not be able to get married.
polkingbeal67: Interesting. Why not? Not that I’m encouraging you or anything, but it should be easy enough. You meet her father, offer him six goats and a microwocky. Job done.
smolin9: Well, there’s the physiological incompatibility thing. I mean our biological responses to each other are so, y’know, so irregular.
polkingbeal67: What biological responses? I trust you’re not contemplating any kind of primitive carnal intimacy? What, without a test tube? I had low expectations of you, but this is just… Oh help. What will our revered leader say?
smolin9: No, no, not carnal … whatever. But, as you know, earthlings rely on their sensory neurons and we use telesthesia. And when Melinda touches me, my energy field emits copious quantities of ammonium sulfide. The aroma of bad eggs hangs around for hours. Kind of ruins the mood.
polkingbeal67: Well, let that be a lesson to you. I’ve always said feelings are like chemicals.
smolin9: The more you excite them, the more animated you get?
polkingbeal67: No, the more you analyse them, the worse they smell.
smolin9: Well, anyway, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you since the last report.
polkingbeal67: While you’ve been enjoying your smelly liaisons, I’ve been putting this project back on the front foot.
smolin9: You’ve been doing things back to front?
polkingbeal67: I found Jimmy Carter and discovered he’s no longer President of the earthlings.
smolin9: So the objective of our mission is rendered null and void? We have no one to negotiate with? Your idea of being on the front foot is clearly at odds with mine. Anyway, why didn’t you take me with you?
polkingbeal67: There are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers.
smolin9: Well, did you speak to him?
polkingbeal67: No point whatsoever. I’m so disappointed in him. Where’s the grand palace with its guards and white elephants and golden statues? This so-called earthling leader lives in a little single-storey structure in a pitiful little one-horse town called Plains, Georgia. He lives there anonymously with his wife Rosalynn. Just an anonymous couple in an anonymous house in an anonymous street that goes pretty much nowhere at all. The two of them sit together, anonymously promoting human rights. They hold hands a lot, teach Sunday School, publish poetry, memoirs and children’s books. Anonymously pathetic.
smolin9: I don’t know. He sounds like a really nice earthling.
polkingbeal67: Nice? Come on. What sort of leader is that? What would he have done if his planet had been invaded by hostile goopmutts? Apparently, during his term of office, he didn’t fire a single bullet. Never went to war. Never dropped a bomb. Never killed a single person. A completely dismal record.
smolin9: Doesn’t that sound like someone you could negotiate with? I still think I’d like him.
polkingbeal67: Bubblehead! War is its own reward. History shows you have to fight to achieve anything. Even peace. You really need to rediscover your dark side, smolin9. Well, now we’ve got to find the new leader and threaten him with the most despicable acts of violence. Then we’ll barter with him and discuss our people colonising his planet. By the way, where’s my tangy vitalmados pill? We left two of them here after the last report. One each. I’ve been really looking forward to it.
smolin9: Ah, yes. Well, y’know, there are times when you’ve just got to act on your own initiative and work independently without the input of your peers. I never lost my dark side. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.19.7.5:
polkingbeal67: Please confirm you are the earthling leader.
President: Who are you? How did you get in here? How did you bypass my security?
polkingbeal67: We are envoys from a planet in the constellation of Cygnus. Your security was no match for our Craterkite cloaking devices. This conversation is being transmitted in real-time to our mother planet by means of a spe
cially configured dark energy wormhole channel. Now will you please confirm you are the earthling leader, successor to Jimmy Carter.
President: I am President of the United States of America. I am regarded as the Leader of the Free World.
polkingbeal67: Only the Free World? Who is leader of the, er, captive, bit? Who captured them? Was it the goopmutts?
President: The Leader of the Free World is a colloquialism. The United States of America is the main democratic superpower on Earth, so its president is effectively the leader of all the world’s democratic nation states. You people haven’t got Michelle, have you?
polkingbeal67: Your shell? Are you a part-time crustacean?
smolin9: He’s talking about his wife, p.
polkingbeal67: His wife has a skeleton on the outside of her body? Wait! It rings a bell. Let me see. Ah yes, here in the briefing notes on my microwocky it says “serious issues include health insurance, unemployment and Shell.”
President: Actually I had more problems with BP.
polkingbeal67: Blood pressure? Interesting. No wonder you’ve got problems with health insurance.
President: You know, you guys remind me of a famous movie of ours. Do you have droids? There was this droid called, I think, yes, R2-D2. I loved that little guy. I can do a passable impression, too. Would you like to hear it? Beep beep beedle beep whirr squeee pop beep beep beedle bop whirr.
polkingbeal67: Leader of the Free World, you say?
President: Er, yes, sorry. We’d better move this on. Shall we? What are your demands?
polkingbeal67: Demands? Ah yes, well, we come from a planet called Morys Minor and our entire race is threatened with extinction at the end of the katun cycle. We’re responding to an invitation from your predecessor, Jimmy Carter. He sent us a golden record by space probe. It wasn’t properly addressed. We found it drifting around aimlessly in the Centaurus galaxy. It’s a wonder we found it at all. Anyway, we want to colonise your planet and if you resist we’ll blow you to bits!
smolin9: Give him a chance, p! Oh, and ask him if I can have a souvenir from the White House. An ashtray or something?
President: Hang on. President Carter extended the hand of friendship to you and you want to take that hand and bite it?
polkingbeal67: Oh, don’t tell me you don’t want to fight! Oh help. You’re just as bad as Carter. What is wrong with you earthlings? Whatever happened to blood and glory? Take over, smolin9 – do it your way. I’ve tried to reach out to these people in a spirit of honourable hostility and mutual loathing, but it’s no use.
President: You know, you should be aware that I don’t necessarily oppose war. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to defend my people against threats from foreign, er, worlds. But, you know what? I’ve been going through an evolution on this issue and, you know, we could absolutely embrace visitors to this planet provided we share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human, er, humanoid beings.
polkingbeal67: Unlikely. But go on.
President: You know, it’s interesting. You’ve made several references to things on your planet that are peculiar to us here on Earth. Katun cycles, for example. That’s a reference to a calendar, right? Something to do with the Mayans – an old and famous civilisation right here on this planet. Oh yes, and the name of your planet. Well, it appears to share its name, rather bizarrely I suppose, with a small British car, now obsolete. You know, it seems to me we have some curious things in common.
polkingbeal67: Preposterous! Our calendar was introduced by our revered leader shortly after he appeared on Morys about two thousand Earth years ago. We rename our planet at the beginning of every katun and we often use information gleaned from abductees for this purpose. We ask them to name things they’re most proud of.
President: So you do abduct people? I always thought those people were fantasists.
polkingbeal67: Oh help, of course we abduct people. And not just from your planet.
President: Anyway, I think we have some common ground. How would it be if I was to set up an International Negotiating Committee for a Framework Convention on Interplanetary Integration? After some exploratory meetings, we could have a series of summits at the United Nations to establish the terms of reference for establishing a road map for peaceful transition.
polkingbeal67: Oh no! Oh help! Are you sure you don’t want to fight?
smolin9: Mister President, could we get all this committee integration thing done quickly?
President: Not till after my election. After my election I’ll have more flexibility.
polkingbeal67: Out of the question. We can’t wait that long! Sir, you should prepare for war! My people will have revenge for Roswell! I don’t know how you earthlings make these things official. Ah yes, I know – terms and conditions apply! There, I’ve said it.
smolin9: I suppose an ashtray is now out of the question?
polkingbeal67: Come along, smolin9. Terminating this report. Keep the wormhole open.
Investigator Diary 12.19.19.7.18:
smolin9: Are you there, p?
polkingbeal67: Well, you’re looking at a virtual-holographic representation of me. Does that count?
smolin9: Yeh, I’m pretty sure I know why, but, for the sake of clarifying things for the readers of this report, perhaps you’d like to explain why you’ve left Earth and you’re now back on Morys?
polkingbeal67: Well, I… I was recalled by our revered leader, uh, summoned for an urgent special consultation. So, yeh, hi.
smolin9: Special consultation, eh? Let me see. Would that by any chance have something to do with you declaring war on Earth without, you know, any authorisation whatsoever? I’m sorry. This must be so embarrassing for you.
polkingbeal67: Not at all. Why are you smirking like that? I was quite within my rights. Anyway, the war became irrelevant after I shrewdly deduced what is really happening on that god-forsaken globe of rubble you’re so fond of.
smolin9: What do you mean? What is going on?
polkingbeal67: Well, if you didn’t have your silly bobbly head immersed in football and skateboarding, you’d have noticed that any attempts by us to colonise the Pale Blue Dot would be undermined by Oovian chilloks.
smolin9: Chilloks? Are you kidding? What are you talking about?
polkingbeal67: As I informed our revered leader, the chilloks have infiltrated the Pale Blue Dot in their billions and they’re poised to seize control at any moment.
smolin9: Chilloks! Seize control? Are we talking about the same things? FYI, the chilloks have been on Earth for several millennia. They’re tiny, meek, docile, unassuming creatures that pose no threat whatsoever. Their mutator technology is primitive and they can’t transform themselves into other life forms. Even earthlings can control them with insecticides, like ant powder! Are you serious? Did you really use the chilloks to pull the wool over the eyes of our revered leader? You must have been really desperate to avoid a charge of unauthorised warmongering. What did he say?
polkingbeal67: You crazy prokaryote! If you must know, our revered leader thanked me effusively and presided at a banquet in my honour. Between you and me, I think I’m in line for an Oppenheimer938 Prize. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure there’s a footnote about you in my acceptance speech. Mm? You’re welcome. Our revered leader totally agrees with me about the chilloks. Their mutator techniques are improving, you know. Already they can carry more than their body weight.
smolin9: So you’re saying there are going to be mut-ants that become gi-ants?
polkingbeal67: What? Yes. Anyway, there are about one million of them to every human! Who knows how powerful they can become?
smolin9: And our revered leader actually believes they’re a threat to the planet?
polkingbeal67: Oh help, yes. He totally expects them to claim the Pale Blue Dot any time now. He made a speech – something about
the meek inheriting the Earth. Besides, there are other factors. The Milky Way galaxy is on track to collide with the Andromeda galaxy.
smolin9: Yes. But not for about four billion years! By that time, our descendants will probably be able to steer it!
polkingbeal67: I’m appalled you can be so dismissive. Look, it’s really serious.
smolin9: Yeh, now there’s a thought – maybe I should encourage my descendants to be lawyers. Galaxies colliding? Just think of all the whiplash injuries! Wait, does that mean my mission is finished?
Through The Wormhole, Literally Page 4