by Неизвестный
The sun set and we made our way home. A spring chill, doubly potent after a sunlit day, settled in my bones. “We must talk again,” Mazal said. “When, when?” I asked. Mazal repeated my words as though he did not grasp their meaning. “When? Tomorrow, before dusk, in the forest.” “Fine.” I looked at my watch and asked, “At what time?” “At what time?” Akaviah repeated, “At six o’clock.” I bent over my watch and kissed the very same numeral on the face of the watch. And I relished the warmth of the watch that hung over my heart.
I made my way home and my body shook all over. My bones quaked from the cold as I walked, and I told myself: once home it will pass. But when I got home, rather than diminish the fever only grew worse. I lost all desire to eat and my throat burned. Kaila brewed me some tea and added sugar and a slice of lemon. I drank the tea and lay on my bed and pulled up the covers. But I was not warmed.
I awoke, my throat burning. And I lit a candle and then snuffed it out, for its flickering flame hurt my eyes. The wick’s thin curl of smoke and my cold hands only increased my discomfort. The clock struck and I took fright, as I imagined that I was late in meeting Mazal in the forest. I counted the hours and prayed to God to stop the hour we’d arranged to meet from ever arriving. Three, four, five. Ah, I should get up, but I was overcome by sleep. Why couldn’t I sleep until now? Soon I would meet Mazal, a restless night in my eyes. I must get out of bed and rid myself of any traces of sleep. But how can I wash when I have caught such a bad cold? I fumbled against the bedposts and finally managed to get out of bed. I shivered from cold and knew not where I stood. Here is the doorway, or is it the closet door? Where are the matches, and where the window? Why has Kaila drawn the curtains? I could slip and crack my skull against the table or stove—damn it! Where is the lamp? This time I won’t find a thing, perhaps I’ve been struck blind. And now, just as I’ve lost all hope of finding myself a man, Akaviah Mazal will take me to be his wedded wife, and as one who leads the blind, so will Mr. Mazal lead me. Ah, why did I even dare talk to him? Blessed be the Name, I have found my bed, thanks to a merciful God. I lay on the bed and covered myself, yet I fancied that I was still on my feet, walking. I tramped for a good many hours. Where to? An old woman stood by the road waiting for me to ask her the way. Wasn’t she the old woman I first saw last month, when one bright day I ventured out of town? The old woman opened her mouth. “Here she is,” she said. “I barely recognized you, aren’t you Leah’s daughter? Aren’t you Leah’s daughter,” the old woman exclaimed, snuffing tobacco. And prattling on she did not allow me a word in edgewise. I nodded my head: Yes, I was Leah’s daughter. The old woman said, “I said you were Leah’s daughter didn’t I, while you swept by me as if it did not matter a straw. . . .The lambs are ignorant of the pastures where their mothers grazed.” The old woman sniffed a second time, “Did I not nurse your mother with my own milk?” I knew this to be a dream, yet I was confused: my mother had never been nursed at the breast of a stranger, how dare the old woman claim she had nursed my mother. I hadn’t seen the old woman for a great many days, nor had I thought of her, and this gave me further cause for surprise. So why had she suddenly accosted me in my dream? Wondrous are the ways of dreams and who knows their paths.
My father’s footsteps woke me and I saw that he was sad. He gazed at me with tenderness through his bloodshot eyes. I felt ashamed of the mess in my room. My new dress and my stockings lay scattered on the floor. For a moment I forgot it was my father who stood before me, all I could think of was that a man was present in my room. I shut my eyes, filled with shame. I then heard my father’s voice addressing Kaila, who stood by the door, “She’s asleep.” “Good morning, father,” I called out, no longer ashamed. “Weren’t you sleeping? So how are you my child?” “I’m fine,” I replied, straining to speak in a clear voice, but a spasm of coughing took hold of me. “I caught a slight cold and now I will get up, for my cold is over.” “Blessed be the Name,” my father said. “But I suggest that you stay in bed today my child.” “No, I must get up,” I cried out stubbornly, for I imagined my father would prevent me from going to my groom.
I knew that I had to throw myself on my father’s mercy. Perhaps he would forgive me for having done that which is forbidden. My good father, my good father, I called out from within my heart, and I took courage and exclaimed, “Father, I was betrothed yesterday.” My father stared at me. I longed to lower my eyes, yet took heart and called out, “Father, didn’t you hear?” My father remained silent, thinking I had spoken out of my fever, and he whispered something to Kaila that I could not hear. He then went to the window to see if it was shut. Regaining my strength I sat up in bed and said to him “Although I caught a chill I am now better, sit by the bed, for I have something to tell you. Let Kaila come too, I have no secrets to hide.” My father’s eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets and worry dimmed their light. He sat on the bed and I said, “Yesterday I met and spoke to Mazal. Father, what is wrong?” “You are a bad girl,” Kaila exclaimed, frightened. “Hush, Kaila,” I retorted. “I have opened my heart to Mazal. But why go on like this, I am betrothed to him.” “Who ever heard of such a thing?” Kaila exclaimed, wringing her hands in despair. My father calmed Kaila down and asked, “When was this done?” “I do not remember,” I replied, “even though I glanced at my watch I have forgotten the hour.” “Have you ever heard of such a thing,” my father said in embarrassment and laughed. “She doesn’t know when it happened.” I too laughed and all at once I heaved a deep sigh and my body shook. “Calm down, Tirtza,” my father said in a worried voice. “Lie in bed for a while, later we will talk.” And as he turned to go I called out after him, “Father, promise not to speak to Mazal until I tell you to do so.” “What can I do,” he exclaimed, and left the house.
As soon as he had gone, I took pen, ink and paper and wrote: My dearly beloved, I won’t be able to come today to the forest, for I have caught a cold. Several days hence I will come to you. In the meantime, be well. I am lying in bed and I am happy, for you dwell in my thoughts all day, undisturbed. I then bade Kaila send the letter. “To whom have you written,” she asked, letter in hand, “the teacher?” Knowing that Kaila did not know how to read or write, I replied in anger, “Read and find out for yourself.” “Don’t foam at the mouth, my bird,” Kaila said. “The man is old while you are young and full of life. Why, you are just a child and barely weaned at that. If it weren’t for my rheumatism I would carry you in my arms. But I have been thinking of your decision. Why fuss over a man?” “Good, good, good,” I cried out laughing. “Hurry now and send the letter, for there is no time to waste.” “But you haven’t drunk your tea yet,” Kaila said. “Let me bring you something hot to drink and water to wash your hands with.” Kaila soon returned with the water. The chill subsided somewhat, my body grew warm under the bedcovers, and my weary bones seemed to melt into the sheets. Although my head burned, its heat was soothing. My eyes flamed in their sockets, and yet my heart was content and my thoughts had calmed. “Look, you’ve let the tea go cold,” Kaila exclaimed, “and I’ve already brought you something hot to drink. It’s all because of your endless brooding and soul-searching.” I laughed and was overcome by a pleasant weariness. I barely managed to call out, “Don’t forget the letter,” before a welcome slumber settled over my eyes.
The day waned and Mintshi Gottlieb arrived. “I heard you were ill,” she said, “and I came to see how you are feeling.” I knew that my father had sent for her and so I concealed my thoughts and said, “I caught cold, but now I am well.” Suddenly I seized hold of her hand and stared into her eyes, and said, “Why are you so quiet, Mrs. Gottlieb?” “But we haven’t stopped talking,” Mintshi replied. “Although we haven’t stopped talking we haven’t mentioned what is really important.” “What’s so important?” Mintshi exclaimed in surprise. And suddenly she added sourly, “Did you expect me to congratulate you?” I placed my right hand over my heart and thrust my left hand towards her, crying, “Indeed, why haven�
�t you congratulated me?” Mintshi frowned. “Don’t you know, Tirtza, that Mazal is very dear to me, and you are a young girl, while he is forty years old? Even though you are young, you can plainly see that a few years hence he will be like a withered tree whereas your youthful charm will only grow.” I listened and then cried out, “I knew what you would say, but I will do what I must.” “What you must?” exclaimed Mrs. Gottlieb in astonishment. “The obligations of a faithful woman who loves her husband,” I replied, laying stress on my last words. Mrs. Gottlieb was silent for a moment and then opened her mouth and said, “When are you meeting?” I glanced at my watch. “If my letter has not reached him yet then he will now be waiting for me in the forest.” “He will not wait for you in the forest,” Mintshi said, “for he too has surely caught cold. Who knows if he isn’t lying in bed right now? Why, you have behaved like schoolchildren. I can scarcely believe my ears.” “Is he ill?” I asked, alarmed by her words. “How can I know if he is ill?” Mintshi replied. “It certainly is possible. Haven’t you behaved like little children, sallying into the forest on a winter day in a summer dress?” “No!” I cried out. “I wore a spring dress on a spring day.” “Heaven forbid,” she said, “if I have offended your pride by saying you wore a summer dress on a winter day.”
I was surprised that both Mintshi and my father spoke circumspectly. Still, my happiness did not leave me. While I was still absorbed in my own thoughts Mrs. Gottlieb said, “My task is an odd one, my dear friend. I must play the bad aunt. But what can I do? I thought your folly was that of a young girl, but…” Mintshi did not complete her thought, nor did I ask her the meaning of the word “but.” She sat by my side for another half hour and upon leaving kissed my forehead. And I savored in that kiss the tang of a new flavor. I embraced her. “Ah, little monster,” she cried, “you’ve messed up my hair. Let go of me, I must tidy my hair.” And picking up the mirror Mintshi laughed loudly. “Why are you laughing?” I asked, affronted. Mintshi gave me the mirror. And I saw that every inch of its surface was scratched, for I had etched into the silver the name Akaviah Mazal over and over.
A week passed and Mazal did not come to inquire about my health. At times I reproached him for fearing my father and acting in a cowardly fashion, and at times I feared that he too was ill. But I did not ask my father, nor did I have any desire to talk of the matter. Then I remembered the legend of the Baron’s daughter who had loved a man from among the poor of the land. “It shall not come to pass,” her father had decreed. Hearing her father’s words the girl took ill and nearly died. And seeing how ill she was the doctors had said, “The wound is grievous, there is no healing of the fracture, for she is stricken by love.” Her father had then gone forth to her suitor and implored him to marry his daughter. So I remained confined to my bed as sundry visions washed over me. And whenever the door turned on its hinges I asked, “Who’s there?” My heart beat feebly and my voice was like my mother’s voice at the time of her illness.
One day my father said, “The doctor tells me you have regained your strength.” “Tomorrow I will go out,” I replied. “Tomorrow,” my father said, frowning. “Please wait another two or three days before going out, for who knows if the open air will, heaven forbid, not harm you. Three days hence and ours will be a different road. Stay here until the Memorial Day for your mother’s death and we will visit her grave together. You will also find Mr. Mazal there.” My father turned to go.
His words puzzled me, how did he know Mazal would come? Did they meet? And if so, was it out of good will? And why had Akaviah not come to see me? And what was to happen? I was so excited that my teeth chattered and I feared I would fall ill again. Why had Akaviah not answered my letters? I cried out. And suddenly my heart was silenced, I ceased mulling over my thoughts, and I drew the covers over my hot flesh and shut my eyes. The day is still far off, I told myself, now I will sleep and the Lord will do what is good in His eyes.
What happened to me afterwards I shall never know, for I lay on my sickbed for a great many days. And when I opened my eyes I beheld Akaviah seated in a chair, and his face lit up the room. I laughed in embarrassment and he too laughed, and it was the laugh of a good man. Just then my father entered and cried out, “Praise be the name of the Name!” He then strode towards me and kissed my forehead. I stretched my arms out and embraced and kissed him, “Oh father, father, my dear father,” I exclaimed. My father, however, forbade me to utter another word. “Calm down, my joy of joys, calm down, Tirtza, be patient for a few more days and then you will talk to your heart’s content.” Later in the afternoon the old doctor arrived. And after examining me he stroked my cheek and said, “You are a courageous girl. This time you’ve come round, and now all the medicines in the world won’t do you any harm either.” “Blessed be the name of the Lord!” Kaila cried out from the doorway. Winter drew to an end and I was saved.
I was married in the autumn, on the eve of Shabbat Nachamu, the Sabbath of Comfort. A mere ten people were called to the bridal canopy. A mere ten and the entire town buzzed, for until that day such a simple wedding had never been witnessed in our town. And after the Sabbath we left our town for a summer resort and found lodgings in the home of a widow. The woman served us breakfast and dinner, but we lunched at the dairyman’s house in the village. Three times a week a letter arrived from my father, and I too wrote often. Wherever I chanced upon a postcard I sent it to my father. Akaviah did not write other than enclosing his regards. And yet he gave a different shade of meaning to each of his greetings. And a letter arrived from Mintshi Gottlieb telling us that she had found us lodgings. And she drew a ground plan of the house and its rooms on a sheet of paper. Mintshi wished to know whether to rent the lodgings, thereby assuring us of a home on our return. Two days elapsed and we did not answer Mintshi’s letter, and on the third day there were peals of thunder and flashes of lightning and all morning a hard rain poured down. The landlady came to ask whether to light the stove. “But it is not winter yet,” I said laughing. And Akaviah told the woman, “If the sun has drawn in its flames then the heat from the stove will be sweeter sevenfold.”
“Today,” Akaviah said to me, “we will answer Mrs. Gottlieb’s letter.” “But what shall we say?” I asked. “I will teach you how to put reason to good use,” my husband said, “and you will know what to answer. Mrs. Gottlieb has written us a letter to say she has found us lodgings, and this did not come as a surprise, for we are indeed in need of lodgings, and the rooms are agreeable and the woman is a woman of good taste as well as a friend, which gives us all the more reason to trust her words.” “In that case I will write and say that the lodgings please us.” “Wait,” Akaviah said, “someone is knocking. The landlady is here to light the stove.” And the woman kindled the fire with the wood she had brought. She then told us how she and her forefathers and her fathers’ forefathers were born in this very village. She would never leave the village; here she was born, grew up and would die. It was beyond her why people left their birthplace and wandered to the far corners of the world. You have a home? Honor it and dwell in it. And if you say, ‘I like my friend’s garden,’ well, why don’t you plant a garden yourself ? Why should the air stink in your own neighborhood, while it smells good in another part of town where your friend lives?” My husband laughed at her words and said, “Her words are true.”
The rain had stopped, but the soil wasn’t yet dry. The fire blazed in the stove and we sat in our room and warmed ourselves. My husband said, “We have had such a good time that we nearly forgot about our future lodgings. But listen to what I propose and tell me whether it seems right in your eyes. You are familiar with my house, if it is too small we could add a room and live in it. Now we must write to Mintshi Gottlieb to thank her for her labors.” We wrote Mintshi a letter of gratitude, and to my father we announced our decision to move into Akaviah’s home. Our plans did not please my father, for Akaviah lived in a farmhouse. Yet my father did repairs on the house and he also built us a new room. A mont
h passed and we returned. My home won over my heart. Although it was no different from the other farmhouses, a different spirit dwelled within it. And as we entered we were greeted by the sweet fragrance of potted flowers and a freshly baked cake prepared by Mintshi for our homecoming. The rooms were attractive and cozy, for the hands of a wise woman had adorned them. An adjoining servant’s room had also been built. But there was no maidservant to serve the house. My father sent Kaila but I promptly sent her back, preferring to eat at my father’s until we should find a young maidservant. And we arrived at noon and returned in the evening.