Anticipating the possibility that Malcolm would come to me in the morning, I decided to do so. After I slipped into it, I let my hair down around my shoulders and contemplated myself before the dressing mirror. The glow of the fire put a tint on my skin and made it look as though the flame were burning within me.
Looking at myself like that made me think of an unlit candle, for that was what an unloved woman was, I thought. No matter how beautiful she was, if she did not have a man to love her, she would never burn brightly. My chance to light my candle had come. I longed to see the flame.
The desire lit my eyes. I ran the tips of my fingers down the strands of my hair and touched my shoulders. Standing there and thinking about Malcolm coming to my room finally to take me in his arms, I recalled love scenes I had read in books.
He would press his lips to my shoulders; he would hold my hand between his and gently stroke it. He would whisper his love for me and press me closely to him. My size that had always been my burden would arouse him. In his arms I would be a perfect fit, as graceful and soft as any woman could be, for that was the power of love—to turn the ugliest of ducklings into a swan.
I felt like a swan in this dressing gown. I had finally become a woman to be desired. The moment Malcolm came through that door, he would see it, and if there were any doubts in his mind about me, those doubts would be blown away like fall leaves in the wind. I longed for him to come through that door. I was ready for him to come through that door.
I put out the lights and slipped under the blanket. Fiery shadows danced on the ceiling; they looked like shapes that had emerged from the walls. The spirits of Malcolm’s ancestors, asleep for years, had been nudged and awakened by my arrival. They performed a ritual of resurrection, excited with the prospect of a new mistress to haunt with the past. Rather than frighten me, the thought fascinated me, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the dancing forms brought alive by the red glow of the fire.
From somewhere down the long, empty hallway, I heard a door close. Its echo reverberated, bouncing between the walls and threading its way through the darkness until it reached my doorway.
Then there was a deep, cold silence that pierced my heart, a heart so eager to be warmed and loved and cherished. I brought the blanket closer to my chin and inhaled the scent of newly washed sheets.
I listened hard for Malcolm’s footsteps, but I never heard them. The fire weakened; the shapes grew smaller and retreated again into the walls. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier until I was unable to keep them open. Finally, I welcomed sleep. I told myself that when I awoke, Malcolm would be beside me and the bright new life I had anticipated would begin.
3
The Ugly Duckling and the Swan
SOMETHING BRIGHT TOUCHED MY EYES AND I AWOKE. IN my half dream I thought it was the light of love shining from Malcolm’s eyes, but when I opened my eyes I realized it was merely the bright sun. Beside me the bed was cold and empty. Malcolm had not come to me during the night. Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes. I was a married woman; when would I lie beneath the light of love. All my dreams so newly flowered wilted as if from a winter wind. Who was my husband? Who was I now? I drifted toward the window and parted the satin curtains. Sunlight spilled into the room.
Just then I heard the gentle rapping of knuckles on my door.
“Who’s there?” I called, trying to sound bright and cheerful. But it was no use. My voice trembled and shook.
“Good morning, Mrs. Foxworth. You slept well, I hope.”
It was Mrs. Steiner. And before I could say anything she had swung open the door and stood surveying me. A disapproving smile flitted over her lips.
“Has Mr. Foxworth risen?” I asked quickly.
“Oh, yes, ma’am. Some time ago. He’s already left the house.”
For a moment I simply stared at her. Left the house? I had to bite back the tears. Didn’t he intend to spend my first day here with me? Had he stopped by my room, seen me asleep, and then gone on? Why didn’t he finally wake me? Why didn’t he come to me?
I felt like some invited guest, not like a newly married wife. Did the servants sense it too? Was that why Mrs. Steiner had that cold, disapproving look on her face?
“Did Mr. Foxworth leave any messages for me?” I asked, but I resented that I had to ask a servant for my husband’s communication. The least he could have done was written some husbandly note and thoughtfully left it beside me on the bed. That would have given me some warmth. There was only chill in this room. The fire had died down along with my hopes and dreams. My heart felt like a cold ember. Last night it flamed with hope. Today it was coated with ashes. To my servants, I would show only strength and competence.
With a curt bow, Mrs. Steiner replied, “No, ma’am, he did not leave any messages. Would you want your breakfast brought up this morning?”
“No. I’ll be dressed and down shortly.”
“Very good.” Mrs. Steiner went to start the fire.
“It’s all right. I don’t need it. I don’t pamper myself in the morning.”
“As you wish. Did you want anything special for breakfast, Mrs. Foxworth?”
“What did my husband have?”
“Mr. Foxworth always eats very lightly in the morning.”
“As do I,” I said.
Mrs. Steiner nodded and made a hasty retreat.
It wasn’t true, of course. Some mornings, I woke up ravenous and devoured everything in sight. But I wasn’t hungry this morning. Oh, no, I was devastated and determined to find a way to make things better, right away.
Something was terribly wrong. My father had always taught me that when something was terribly wrong, there was always a reason. And the reason was always hidden. If one wanted to know the truth, one had to search for it. “But Olivia,” he had cautioned me, “when you search the shadows to find that truth, often you find things more horrible, more painful than you would have imagined.” But I was a strong woman. I was brought up to be a strong woman. Malcolm Foxworth was my husband and I would find out why he was neglecting me on our wedding night. I couldn’t let my disappointment get the better of my intelligence. I had waited so long for the morning kisses I dreamt would be mine. For the cuddling, the whispered words of love and affection. I, too, deserved these, and I wasn’t going to give up this easily.
When I rose and saw myself in the revealing dressing gown that was to bring such pleasure to Malcolm, I felt terribly embarrassed, even though no one else was there. It was as though I had gotten into costume for a play that was never performed, that had never been intended to be performed. I felt foolish, foolish and angry. I took it off and got dressed quickly.
I’ll never forget the first morning I came down those stairs. I stood at the top and gazed out over the huge foyer and felt the vast emptiness within. It was going to be a challenge to make this into a home, a challenge I knew I could meet.
Yet, as I descended the stairway, I did feel like some queen. Mrs. Steiner had brought out Mrs. Wilson, the cook, and Olsen, the gardener, as well as Lucas to greet me. My servants waited below, anxious and intrigued with their new mistress. Surely, I made an impressive sight that morning. I imagined both Lucas and Mrs. Steiner had described me to the two others. However, none of them had expected Malcolm would bring home a bride so tall. With my hair still pinned up, my shoulders wide and straight, they must have thought some queen of the Amazon was descending from above. I saw both fear and interest in their eyes.
“Good morning,” I began. “Don’t expect that I will be rising at this late hour ever again. As Mrs. Steiner can tell you, we arrived in the middle of the night. Please make the introductions, Mrs. Steiner,” I commanded. Malcolm should have been here to do this, I thought. I was sure they could see how disappointed I was about it.
“This is Mrs. Wilson, the cook.”
“Welcome, Mrs. Foxworth,” she said. Unlike Mrs. Steiner, Mrs. Wilson was a big-boned woman, at least five feet ten inches tall. Her hair was yellowish-gray and she h
ad large, inquisitive hazel eyes. I thought there was a smile of understanding around her eyes and imagined she thought I was what she expected. From what Mrs. Steiner had told me, Mrs. Wilson had known Malcolm all his life and could anticipate what kind of a woman he would bring home for a wife.
“This is Olsen, the gardener,” Mrs. Steiner said. Olsen stepped forward, holding his hat in his hands. He was a bulky, thick-necked man, built like a bull. He had thick, heavy fingers and short but powerful arms. I thought I detected something simple, something childlike in his face. Although his features were large, there was a softness in his eyes. He looked like a terrified grade school boy about to be reprimanded by his teacher.
“G-g-g-g-good morning, Mrs. Foxworth,” he said. There was a stutter in his speech, and he quickly looked down.
“Good morning.” I turned back to Mrs. Steiner. “I will have some breakfast now. Then I will begin my survey of the house and the grounds. Return to your work, and I shall call you when I need you.”
Sitting at the end of that long oak table large enough to accommodate twenty guests, I felt like a little girl in a high chair. This house overwhelmed even me. If I spoke too loudly, my voice reverberated, emphasizing the emptiness. If only Malcolm were beside me I would feel like a normal-size wife, neither a giant nor a child.
Mrs. Steiner excused herself immediately after serving the tray and went up to do the bedrooms. I didn’t mind eating alone; I had done so so often, but this was the day after my wedding and, according to Malcolm, my honeymoon!
I looked about the large dining room. Although it was well lit, there was still something gloomy about it. Perhaps the wallpaper needed to be changed. Those curtains looked drab, even dusty. I knew that with my spit and polish, and my inner strength and determination, I could turn this barren house into a home.
Before I left the table, Mrs. Wilson came out of the kitchen to ask me if I had any special orders for dinner. For a moment I was speechless. I really didn’t know what Malcolm liked and didn’t like.
“What do you usually serve on Wednesdays?” I asked.
“We have lamb on Wednesdays, but Mr. Foxworth said I should plan the menu with you from now on.”
“Yes, but for the time being, please stay with the menu as it is. We’ll make the appropriate changes as we go along,” I said.
She nedded, that half smile around her eyes again. Could it be that she anticipated everything I would say? I wondered. I let myself relax. “Mrs. Wilson, I will come in later and you can tell me what you’ve been serving, what are Mr. Foxworth’s favorite meals, what he likes when,” I added. Whom was I fooling? She knew more about my husband than I did.
“Whatever you wish, Mrs. Foxworth,” she said. Mrs. Steiner went back into the kitchen and I began my exploration of Foxworth Hall, truly feeling like someone about to visit a museum, the only difference being that everything about this house would tell me something more about the man I had just married. It would have been so much nicer to have Malcolm at my side, I thought, showing me the things he cherished, describing the history behind certain pieces of furniture or paintings.
I decided to begin with the library. It was an immense room, long, dark, and musty. Perhaps because three of the four walls were lined with books, it was as quiet as a graveyard within.
The ceiling was at least twenty feet high and the shelves of books almost met it. A slim portable stairway of wrought iron slid around a track curved to the second level of shelves, and there was a balcony above from which one could reach the books on the top level. Never had I seen so many books. Being an avid reader, it pleased me immensely. Of course, I had to consider that my responsibilities were now such that I would have less time for leisurely reading. A quick perusal of the shelves showed me volumes of history, biography, and classics. It was clear that Malcolm didn’t stay conversant with the currently popular authors.
To the right of the entrance door was an enormous desk. I had never seen one that large. A tall leather swivel chair stood behind it. What surprised me most were the number of phones on the desk—six. Why would anyone need so many? How many conversations could he carry on at once? I imagined that he had to keep in contact with his various enterprises, like his cloth factories and such, and talk to lawyers and brokers, but six phones!
To the left of the desk was a row of tall narrow windows that looked out on a private garden—a beautiful, colorful, peaceful view. I saw Olsen weeding. He must have sensed me in the window looking out at him, for he turned my way, nodded, and went back on working, only faster.
When I turned back to the library, I noted a dark mahogany filing system made to look like fine furniture. Two long tan leather sofas were set out from the walls about three feet, providing plenty of room to move behind them. Chairs stood near the fireplace, and objets d’art were scattered on shelves.
Despite the size of the windows, there was little sunlight. Perhaps, however, some flowerpots could be placed near the windows, I mused. Surely they would warm up the room.
Then I saw the doorway at the end of the long library. Was this where Malcolm wanted me to work, or did he intend for me to work in whatever room that door opened to? Naturally curious, I went to the door and opened it to confront a small room with a much smaller desk and chair in the center. There were files piled on one corner of the desk, pens and inkwells and tablets in the center. The walls were bare and the once oyster wallpaper had faded into a dull gray.
Had he set up this cold, distant place for me to work in? I wondered. I shivered and embraced myself. The room was like an afterthought, for some sort of storage, perhaps. It was a room in which to place a clerk or some secretarial servant, but a wife working on family affairs?
Of course I had to consider that Malcolm made his decision to marry rather rapidly. It had all happened so quickly, he probably didn’t have time to warm up the room. That would be left to me. I would change the drab, dusty-looking drapes, fill the place with as many plants and flowers as I could, get some colorful paintings to put on the walls, have some shelving put up, and get a bright rug. There was so much to do. I was actually excited by the prospect.
And then, of course, I could envision myself working in here while Malcolm worked on his big deals in the library. We wouldn’t be far away from each other. Perhaps that was why he wanted me in this back room. The thought cheered me.
I closed the door and retreated through the library to consider the next part of the house I should visit. My curiosity had been aroused the night before, when I had paused by the large white doors and Malcolm had said the room had once belonged to his mother. Eager to learn all that I could about him and his past as quickly as possible, I headed back upstairs to the south wing and the “secret room.” When Malcolm said it was off limits to everyone, he surely couldn’t have meant me.
I paused before the double doors set above two steps. Just as I started forward, I heard Mrs. Steiner close a door down the hall. She looked at me, and although we were some distance apart, I noticed a worried frown distort her brow.
I didn’t like the way she made me feel, standing there and staring. It was as if I had been caught about to put my hand in the cookie jar. How dare a servant make me feel this way.
“Are you finished with your work?” I asked sharply.
“Not quite, Mrs. Foxworth.”
“Then go on with it, by all means,” I commanded. I stood staring at her until she turned and continued on to Malcolm’s room. She did pause to look back at me, but when she saw I was still watching her, she hurried into the room.
I reached up and turned the knob on the door and stepped into what had been Malcolm’s mother’s room. The moment I did so, I gasped in awe. It wasn’t like anything I would expect a room belonging to Malcolm’s mother would be. Malcolm’s mother slept here?
At the center of the room on a dais was … the best way to describe it is a swan bed. It had a sleek ivory head, turned in profile, and appeared ready to plunge its head under the ruffled und
erside of a lifted wing. The swan had one sleepy red ruby eye. Its wings curved gently to cup the head on an almost oval bed that obviously required custom-made sheets. The bed’s architect had designed the wingtip feathers to act as fingers to hold back the delicate transparent draperies that were in all shades of pink and rose and violet and purple. At the foot of the big swan bed was an infant swan bed placed crossways.
There was a thick mauve carpet and a large rug of white fur near the bed. There were four-feet-high lamps of cut-crystal decorated with gold and silver. Two of them had black shades. In between the other two stretched a chaise longue upholstered in rose-colored velvet.
I have to admit here and now I was shocked. The walls were covered with opulent silk damask, colored a loud strawberry-pink, richer than the pale mauve of what had to be at least a four-inch carpet. I stepped up to the bed and fingered the soft furry coverlet.
What kind of a woman had Malcolm’s mother been? Had she been a movie star? What would I feel like sleeping in such a bed? I wondered. I couldn’t stop myself from lying on it, from feeling the soft, enticing sensuality of that bed. Was this what Malcolm wanted? Was this the bed he was conceived in? Perhaps I had misunderstood my handsome husband; perhaps what lurked in the shadows I was searching in him was a satin sheen, a sensuality I could never have dreamt or imagined.
“Who gave you permission to come in here!”
I sat up with a start. Malcolm was looming in the doorway. For a moment I thought that he was going to come toward me lovingly, but then I noticed a strange look burning in his eyes, distorting his handsome features. An icy cold chill ran down my spine. I held my breath and sat up quickly. I gasped as I brought my hand to my throat.
Garden of Shadows (Dollanganger) Page 5