by Amity Cross
“Jane,” he said against my lips, and I stilled underneath him. He didn’t want…
“But…” I began, my fingers curling around the belt loops of his jeans and tugging him closer.
“Shh,” he murmured, removing his hand from me and wrapping it around my wrist. “That is satisfying enough for now. I just wanted to see you…”
“And you have seen it all,” I replied, my eyelids feeling heavy. “Do I still transfix you?”
“Quite,” was his reply.
15
The next morning, I awoke in my own bed.
My skin thrummed from Edward’s touch, my thighs feeling tender. Rolling over, I slid out of bed and wandered into the bathroom, turning on the shower. Removing the battered singlet I slept in, I studied my nakedness in the mirror as the water heated. The space was usually oppressive in its smallness, but this morning, everything seemed to glow. I’d entirely forgotten about Blanche Ingram’s haughty claim over the man who’d worshiped my body and had not forced me to pleasure in return.
Edward Rochester was a gloomy sort of man, but underneath, he was a being of light. He hid as much of himself from the world as I did, and I suppose we had that in common at least. That and our bodies delighted in one another’s like none before them. My pleasure had dictated his. It was a strange concept and so were his parting words.
“Jane, you must keep this a secret.”
“This?” I’d inquired, attempting to be flippant and not at all as needy as I felt.
I remembered how his hand had felt against my cheek as we’d lingered by the study door, and I could still feel his lips against mine.
He’d said in parting, “One taste and already I thirst for more.”
I was listless as I’d gathered myself, and any word he spoke to me was taken without complaint. I didn’t like keeping our newfound status secret, but I was desperate to keep him close. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure what to label our relationship. Liaison, affair, those were all fairly accurate words if I was to be a secret.
Still, his words hinted there would be more, and I clung to the hope of feeling his touch once more. I was addicted in the best, and worst, possible way.
I was a slave to Edward Rochester.
Staring at my reflection, I ran my fingertips over my lips and studied my eyes. Then I lowered my touch to my breasts, reliving the moment he’d drawn my nipple into his mouth and bit. He’d been aroused by my body. Mine. Jane Doe was poor and little, but she didn’t feel so plain anymore.
Then as I turned away from myself and stepped under the stream of water, I decided upon something scandalous. A new leaf, a new challenge, a new chapter, a new beginning.
All my life I’d collected wounds.
I’d carried around those marks as a sign of my strength as if I’d created them myself. It was my doing, so I must bear the weight of their consequences, never to cast blame on another. But all of it was a lie I told myself to justify the person I’d become because it was easier to walk through life solitary and alone, than to make lasting connections.
Life came with all kinds of emotions…happiness, sorrow, love, anguish, loss. They worked in symbiosis with the universe. You couldn’t have light without the darkness. It was scientifically impossible. To shut out one of these celestial ingredients meant to close oneself to life’s beauty entirely.
Today would be the day I shed my skin and stepped out of the lie. Today would be the day I made peace with my wounds and wore them with pride, for they had made me who I was today.
Today would be my true beginning.
I walked around Thornfield in a haze of happiness that morning.
I was born anew, my shower time affirmation and the relief my body had sustained breathing new life into the dreary place my heart had become. Even Blanche’s withering glares as she’d passed me in the main gallery on her way to breakfast, bounced off my back leaving me unharmed.
A secret was all Edward was able to give me, and for now, it was enough. It was more than I’d ever had, so I was placated for the time being. I didn’t want to know what lay in wait beyond it, so I ignored the misgivings, which had already begun to pull at the corners of my mind.
Summer would be over soon, then he would go back to Paris, or wherever he went when he was away, and I would be alone once more. Would he still want me then? Would he go off and find someone else to replace me in my absence?
Shaking my head, I continued on my path down the lonely halls of the hotel, scolding myself for letting my thoughts turn so quickly.
Everyone was outside in the garden for lunch, so I took the time to assist housekeeping in checking on the rooms while they lay empty. Third floor, east wing, was my domain until the early afternoon, and I was content to absorb the silence while the chance was upon me. I could let my mind wander a little and daydream about the night before like a wicked lovesick mistress.
That was why I was oblivious when I was set upon. An arm wrapped around my stomach, and I was flung behind the heavy crimson curtain, which covered one set of the hall windows, and tumbled onto the cushioned seat in a heap. Righting myself, my heart beat wildly as I saw Edward kneeling before me.
A smile was on his face, a smile like none I’d ever seen, and I marveled at the change in his features. Before I could scold him for frightening me half to death, he leaned over and caught my mouth in a blistering kiss.
We were hidden by swaths of crimson, and the window was high enough that it only revealed the blue sky beyond, though if we rose any higher, any soul who happened to glance up would see our embrace. It made our liaison even more thrilling.
“Rocky!” I exclaimed, forgetting myself as my heart began to calm.
His body was hard against mine as he chuckled. Another curiosity brought to life!
“Rocky?” he asked. “I like it when you call me sir or Edward, but Rocky shall suffice.”
I slapped my hand over my mouth, my cheeks beginning to heat.
“Don’t worry yourself, Jane,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “I know Alice calls me that behind my back. I don’t care for it, but you…” He glanced at my lips, his brow furrowing and a little of his darkness returning. “You are free to call me what you wish when I am to kiss you.”
“Is that so, master?” I asked, my mask slipping just for him.
Wrapping his arms around me, his mouth was against mine, his tongue forcing its way inside. Just as his touch became too much to bear in such a tiny space, he tore his lips away and pressed his cheek against mine.
“Mon chèr maître,” he whispered into my ear.
“Jane!” We stilled as the sound of Alice’s voice echoed down the hall. “Jane, are you up here?”
Edward placed his palm over my mouth and shook his head.
“Be quiet, Jane,” he whispered into my ear as he pulled me onto his lap, and there we sat, hidden in the window seat, caught in each other’s embrace as Alice Fairfax searched the entire third floor for me.
I could feel his hardening crotch against my rear as we sat in silence, my body trembling at the thought of being discovered. His lips brushed against my neck, the tip of his tongue teasing my skin.
I gasped as his touch firmed, and when his index finger found my lips in an attempt to silence me, I sucked it into my mouth and laved my tongue along his length. This time, it was his turn to moan, his chest rumbling against my arm.
“Tonight,” he muttered into my ear as he removed his finger from where I’d captured it, much to my disappointment. “When all is quiet, come to the library. I’ll be waiting for you.”
I wriggled in his lap, aching at the thought of another liaison after dark, and his expression twisted in agony. He was hard and wanting, but there was nothing we could do about it now, not when Alice was probably tearing apart Thornfield searching for me.
Fisting his hand into the hair at the nape of my neck, he forced my mouth to his. His lips were hard against mine with a promise of more to come. My fingers danced a trail across h
is jaw, memorizing the line of it, and delighted in the harsh stubble.
It was a strange sensation touching him like this after feeling as if my affections were unrequited. His mask was fixed in place. So well, he’d hidden his true intentions without tipping off anyone.
“Tonight?” he asked again, his eyes full of hope and desire.
I nodded, unable to do anything else. He’d stolen my breath.
Slipping off his lap, I peered through the curtains. Finding the hallway empty, I emerged from our hiding place, but instead of continuing my earlier path, I diverted to go find Alice. With every step, I felt the distance open between Edward and I. My body tingled with a coldness I’d never felt before as if separating from him had severed all ability to function. Still, I could feel a tugging at the corners of my heart, urging me toward his gravitational field, and wherever he was in Thornfield, I was sure I would find him if I followed the thread.
As I searched for the illusive Alice, I heard the sounds of the luncheon outside and began to falter. When Edward and I were alone, the world didn’t matter. It fell away until we were the only two people who inhabited its surface, then… Then there were judgments, expectations, money, and power—all things I couldn’t live up to, let alone comprehend.
Descending the stairs, I couldn’t help letting in the twinge of doubt that prickled at the back of my mind.
The doubt that said I’d just become Edward Rochester’s secret mistress.
Dear reader, I had to go to Edward. I was powerless against his word and the spell his touch had woven over my mind and body, and the promise of more had me wishing away the minutes until I could steal myself into his embrace.
The day was spent in agony, and my nerves were on edge as I wiled away the hours at dinner. Alice shot me curious glances whenever I fidgeted, but she never asked what the matter was. The staff was too embroiled in recounting the scandalous gossip from the luncheon. Mr. Rochester had disappeared and had not returned until later that afternoon.
I knew where he’d been, of course, but that was a secret too hallowed to repeat, even to myself in the privacy of my own room.
I smiled to myself as they threw about theories and evidence. His driver hadn’t taken him anywhere. He hadn’t gone out to the moors to shoot. He hadn’t been in his rooms. He hadn’t been in a business meeting. It was if he’d hidden away someplace so he could spy on the unsuspecting staff. What a scandal!
Bessie had said Queen Bee had her nose all out of joint because her handsome and powerful boyfriend was nowhere to be seen and had caused quite the scene. At this revelation, I’d almost choked on my roast beef. Boyfriend.
They all expected Blanche and Edward to marry within the year. They were a terrible match, and I couldn’t see him being happy with her at all, but their union was to be expected. Not just from the staff of Thornfield but both their families and society at large. Blanche Ingram would be Blanche Rochester before long, and where did that leave me?
As darkness descended on Thornfield and the halls quieted as its staff and guests went to bed, I developed an ulcer on my heart.
I crept through the halls, silent as a whisper as I forged a path toward the study. I felt the pull of the invisible string tethering me to the master of Thornfield drawing me ever closer, and dread mingled with the longing his touch earlier that day had ignited.
I lingered outside the door, taking a moment to gather myself, but when I entered, it all came crashing down.
Edward was alone and waiting, just as he’d promised, but my resolve had turned and fled the moment it needed to be called upon. It was my turn to feel gloomy and morose as I entered the room, closing the door behind me. His being had cleared of all darkness, but his cloud had moved on to me, blocking out the radiance I should be feeling in his presence.
His gaze met mine, and all at once, I began to melt.
“Jane, what is the matter?” he asked, rising to his feet.
“You wish for me to be with you?” I asked directly, leaning my back against the door.
His gaze fixed on mine, burning a hole through my flesh and exposing my soul. He crossed the room, standing before me with all the power he had mustered, and reached past my waist. There was a click as he turned the key in the lock, and I was caged.
“I do not play games, Jane,” he murmured, remaining firm in his stance. “I would not have touched you if it were. I can be a sour man, I know this, but I wouldn’t treat you so.”
“You regard this…”
“Sacred.”
“And what of Blanche?” I asked cordially.
His eyes narrowed, giving away his annoyance. “What of her?”
“Everyone expects you to marry before the year is out,” I replied, disliking myself immediately for my jealousy.
“Jealousy becomes you, Jane,” he said, pressing against me. “But don’t worry yourself over her.”
My back flattened against the door as his body melded against mine. “I cannot help it. She singles me out for torment. She knows I…”
“Even if I were destitute, I would not stoop to marry Blanche. Not even if she were the richest woman in the world.” I stilled at his words, trying to formulate a response, but he wasn’t done yet. “You said to me that money was of little consequence, Jane. You said many things that surprised me and took me off guard. Someone of your position… You value thoughts and feelings. Enrichment of the soul. Blanche values vanity and greed and delights in tormenting those she deems as below her. How could I give myself to someone like her?”
“I…”
“Jane, you hesitate still,” he said. “You must tell me what you’re thinking. All your thoughts and dreams. Every last shred, no matter how wild and inconceivable, I must know them.”
I was uncertain, lost in a heaving ocean of overwhelming desire. “You want me and only me?”
“Yes.”
It was a simple answer, but it didn’t tell me the whole story. Trusting another human being, a man I’d given the greatest gift of all to—my love—was not a simple task. Not for I, who had been alone and solitary all my life. Opening my heart and soul to this man was the greatest battle I’d ever fought with myself.
“I still don’t understand,” I muttered as his lips brushed against my neck. “You were so abrupt that night in the library.”
“I was at war with myself,” he stated like it was a given.
“And who has won?”
“You are not plain,” he said, avoiding my question with the skill of a master. “You are little, but I wouldn’t use that word. You are delicate…”
A shudder flowed through my body as his teeth grazed the crook of my neck. “Edward…”
He fisted his hands in my hair and urged my head to the side. “And wild.”
“Men who are attracted to wildness usually want to tame it,” I retorted, curling his shirt in my fingers and tugging it from his trousers.
His teeth bit softly into my skin, and his lips soothed the flesh—pain, then pleasure. Tiny amounts.
“Why would I tame you, Jane?” he asked, his breath hot against my neck. “I would cherish your spirit and allow it to grow unhindered.”
“So I’m not a trophy?”
“No, you are not. You’re a treasure. My treasure.” So he desired to own me and exert his power.
“But I am a secret?” I argued, attempting to stay afloat before the raging current of our desire dragged me under.
He stilled, his breath hot against my cheek and his crotch hard against my thigh. “I am not a simple man, Jane. I can only give what I have to offer. This is what I have. It is all I have. I will not force you to take it, but I hope you will. I desire you above all else. In this, I am certain.”
“You offer me pleasure, enrichment, challenge…”
“I offer you my soul, Jane. All the parts of it I can give.”
I softened, my uncertainty fading. Be strong, Jane. Step out of the lie, and wear your wounds with pride.
“So we
are clear,” I began slowly, my hands coming to rest on his shoulders. “This is a secret affair of the body and soul? And while this affair transpires, you and I shall have no other?”
“Yes,” he replied. “To all accounts. So, what say you, Jane?”
I already knew my answer. Knowing the parameters our liaison would take hadn’t done much to please me, but I was enamored with him. I was so deeply entangled that there was no way out. If I removed myself from his arms, it would be akin to death, but to remain… I might not have the entirety of his love, but it was better than the bleak horizon of nothing at all.
Foolishly, I dove into the ocean and drowned.
“Yes,” I said, bewitched, entranced, beguiled. “I agree.”
We kissed then, our tongues hungry as they twined around one another, our hands grasping for flesh. When he pulled away and carried me to the couch, his smile was a fine reward for my agreement. His lips set my body on fire once more, causing my wetness to grow, and I gave in to his expert ministrations.
As I reveled in his touch, I cast away my fears and settled. A bargain had been struck, the contract signed, and where before had been a mere dalliance, now the affair had truly begun.
After his hands had stripped me of my clothes, his tongue dipped between my legs, and I was delivered to the same heights as the night before. His fingers inside me, my taste on his lips, his desire plain to see. I was his to do with as he wished. His slave. Edward gave me all the pleasure he was able to summon, and again, he took none for himself.
“You won’t let me please you?” I asked as he lay on the couch with me afterward. “You won’t take it from me?”
He shook his head, his hands roaming over my nakedness. His chest was bare, and the feel of his skin against my sensitive breasts was heaven.
“Why?”
“Shh,” he crooned. “Let me look at you.”
“But…”
“Jane, you fret too much,” he muttered, his jaw brushing against the swell of my breast. “Your mind is keen, and sometimes, it is too sharp. Be still.”