He talked about how much he enjoyed the long fishing trips, he and Louise went on together when she was younger. He would always joke that he had two boys and one girl. But when Louise grew up to become the beautiful woman and the wonderful mother she was, he was very proud of her.
Finally he talked about how proud he had been, almost five years earlier to the day, when he walked his eldest daughter, Emma, down the aisle, and how much he loved her two little girls. He would get so excited when he was planning his visits to her in the States and how sad he was when he would come home and leave her behind. Especially on the last trip when it had gone over for a very sad reason, because Emma had lost her husband. He was heartbroken for his daughter but was so proud of how she was being so strong for her little girl Mia and now her new daughter Lily who was only seven weeks old.
Emma listened to his words but they were hollow to her. She held Mia closer to her. Mia had been released from hospital with a clean bill of health the day before. Grace’s mother had taken Lily and Andrew and was to take Mia too but Mia got very upset when Emma went to leave her, she had been very clingy to her since she came home the day before. Emma decided it would be better if she just wrapped her up warmly and kept Mia with her.
She rested her face against Mia’s head as she listened to the priest talking about her relationship with Gerry. Emma’s eyes fell on her father’s coffin that was sitting up the front of the church. Tears filled her eye but she fought them and pushed them back down inside her. She had no right to cry she told herself. Because no matter what Fr. Sullivan said about her and her father the truth was they were all gathered here today because of her, because she had killed her father.
“Emma,” Jack said breaking her from her thoughts. “It’s time to go.”
Emma looked up and realized that they were bringing her father out of the church. She stood up and still holding Mia, she followed her mother, a devastated Louise who was practically being held up by Conner.
Jack took Mia from Emma’s arms and held her in one arm as he put his other arm around Emma as they walked slowly out of the church behind their father for one last time.
As they walked down the aisle, Emma looked at the faces of their family and friends who were sympathetically smiling at them as they walked slowly behind Gerry’s coffin. But then as she reached the end of aisle Emma felt her blood turn cold. At the back of the church was Zach and sitting right next to him was Joanna. Emma forced herself to smile but inside she was devastated.
How could he still love her? After everything she had done to him. Ok she had to admit that her own Dad had been involved but for very different reason. What he did was done out of pure love, but her actions had been done through pure spite and plain, simple jealously.
As they stepped out into the blinding spring sunshine, she could feel someone touch her arm softly. She turn around and when her eyes adjusted to the glare of the sun, she realized it was Jenna.
“How are you doing sweetie?” she asked. Emma knew her question had two meanings.
“I am ok,” Emma lied. Her heart was breaking but she couldn’t show how she felt. She had no right. It was her fault they were all here this morning. Everything had been her fault and it started the first day she meet Zach Adams. If only she had never met him. Maybe she would have been happier. She would have been happier with Jonathan and their girls. She would have never had that stupid fight with her dad and he would have been still alive.
But when she really thought about it, who could say she would have been happier with Jonathan. There would have been no Mia without Zach and she was the glue that had stuck them back together. And she would have still lost him in the end because that was his time, just like it was Gerry’s.
Her dad had always told her that your life was mapped out for you long before you were born. That it was written in the stars and what was meant to be was meant to be. She found this thought somehow comforting, that maybe, although she was instrumental in his death it had been somehow his time anyway.
“Emma” a familiar voice said from behind her. She turned around and came face to face with Joanna. “I am sorry for your loss, for everything.”
Emma couldn’t believe the bare face check of this girl. She couldn’t believe she had the front to come up and offer her sympathy. Emma wanted so badly to slap her. But that was not Emma’s style. She was better than that, she would smile and thank her for her kind words and for her support today at this sad time, but then again, on second thoughts.
WHACK!!!
“Go to hell you bitch!” Emma snarled at a shocked Joanna. Then without another word she took Mia from Jack’s arms and climbed into the back of the car and left the entire congregation standing there shocked by what they had just witnessed.
“Emma Daniels!” Jenna giggled climbing in after her friend. “I can’t believe you just did that. That was a great slap in the face, literally. She doesn’t know where to put her face especially considering it has your entire hand print on it.”
“I don’t know what made me do that,” Emma said as the tears trickled down her face. She was shaking. “I thought it would make me feel better but it didn’t.”
“Maybe not but I am sure she isn’t feeling great right now either,” Jenna said as she looked out of the car and saw Joanna storming off and Zach following her trying to calm her down.
Helen, Louise, Jack and Conner climbed into the car and soon they were on the way to the graveyard. Emma had expected someone to ask her what the hell had just happened between her and Joanna but they didn’t. In fact no one said a single word in the car the whole way to the graveyard. The tension in the car was heavy and unpalatable. Emma stared out the window and looked at the people who were carrying on with their daily lives but stopping momentarily to show respect as the coffin passed by.
Emma hadn’t been unable to look Helen in the face since the morning she had exploded at her father. She thought Helen blamed her for what happened to Gerry and she had every right too because Emma knew she had played a huge part if not outright caused her father’s heart attack.
As for Louise, she hadn’t said two words to Emma since her father died. Emma knew she blamed her 100% and Emma was devastated by Louise’s obvious anger towards her.
As they pulled into the grave yard, memories of the day she buried Jonathan came flooding back to Emma. She closed her eyes and she remember his casket covered in snow white lilies and deep red roses and his smiling face beaming from the large photo of him standing behind his coffin.
And for the first time in a while, she missed him so much she thought her heart would burst. She missed his touch and his smell. She would have given anything to have him here sitting next to her holding her hand tightly. She squeezed her eyes tighter in the hope of pushing the memories out of her mind but it didn’t work.
When she opened her eyes a tear escape and trickled down her face.
“Mommy,” Mia said looking up at her strangely as she reached up and wiped the tear from her face. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying baby,” Emma said forcing a smile on her face. “I am ok.”
“Look!” Mia exclaimed suddenly distracted from her conversation. She looked at all the headstones as the cars moved slowly along the grave yard path to Gerry’s final resting place. “Are we going to see Daddy?”
Louise looked over at Emma from the far side of the car. She had been sitting with her head glued out the window but for the briefest moment Emma saw her face soften as her eyes met Emma’s but she quickly looked away and her eyes glazed over with tears but she refused to give into them. Emma wanted to reach over and hold her and tell her she was sorry and that it would get better, that she loved her and more importantly she was here for her but she stopped herself. Instead she just turned back to the window just as the car came to a stop.
They all climbed out and took their positions beside the grave and watched as their father’s coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. Emma quickly gl
anced over to Louise who was standing with her face buried in Conner’s chest, sobbing quietly. Jack had his arm around Helen as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue, wiping away the tears that had invaded her gentle face. Mia had insisted on holding Jenna’s hand
Emma felt so alone as she stood there by herself. She closed her eyes and prayed for the strength to make it through this.
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned and was surprised to see Zach standing there with a reassuring smile.
“Thank you,” she whispered to him as she finally lost the fight she was having with the tears and the trickled down her face as he slid his arm around her and pulled her close to him.
When the service was over she stood for a moment staring blankly at the flowers that now cover the hole in the ground which her father had been placed.
When she looked up, she realized she was standing there alone. She turned and saw Mia standing, happily holding Zach’s hand. Mia had really taken to him while she was in the hospital. Then she turned to the car were the rest of her family were now seated waiting for her to join them. She turned back to the grave for a moment and softly whispered. “I’m sorry Daddy.”
She turned and walked over to Zach, who was still holding Mia’s hand.
“Thank you for coming,” she said when she reached him.
“How are you holding up?” he asked softly.
“I’m ok,” she lied once again. “We are going back to O’Grady, you know for soup and sandwiches. You’re more than welcome to join us.”
“Thanks,” he said with a smile. “But I am probably the last person your family wants there today.”
“I really don’t care,” she replied glancing over at the car where everyone was waiting for her.
“Maybe I could call by later?” he suggested. “You know when things settle a little.”
“Ok,” Emma replied. Suddenly she had an idea. “You know a pub really isn’t a place for Mia. Maybe you would like to take her off for a couple of hours? You know spend some time with her.”
“Really?” Zach said surprised by Emma’s offer. “I would really love that.”
Emma bent down and kissed Mia. “Now, you be a good girl for Zach and Mommy will see you later”.
Emma stood for a moment and watched as Zach and Mia made their way hand in hand back through the graveyard. When they were out of sight she climbed back into the car with the rest of her family and back to the uncomfortable silence that had engulfed them once more.
Chapter 29
“What time is Zach dropping Mia back?” Helen asked Emma as she handed her a coffee as she sat down next to her on the garden bench at the back of their back garden. Emma had escaped out there as soon as they returned home from the funeral. She always felt at peace in her parents back garden. She had so many happy memories in this place and she always felt safe when she was there.
“He should be here soon,” Emma replied still unable to look at her mother.
“It was nice of you to let him take her like that,” Helen said as she drank a sip of her own coffee. “It’s nice for Mia to get to spend some time with him”.
Emma just nodded in response. They sat side by side in silence for a while drinking their coffee.
“I think it’s time I went home,” Emma said without looking at her mother. She had been dreading telling her but she felt there was no point in putting it off any more.
“You are home sweetheart,” Helen replied as she finished her coffee and sat it down next to her foot.
“You know what I mean,” Emma said. “I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.”
“Ah Emma love,” Helen said reaching over and taking her daughter’s hand. “Of course it wouldn’t be better. We need to stick together and get through this.”
“But I know you’re all thinking the same thing,” Emma said unable to hold back all the pain and grief she has been keeping bottled up inside her. She began to sob. “I think it too. I killed Dad.”
“Ah Emma, pet,” Helen said wrapping her arms around her eldest daughter like she had so many times in her life before. “Nobody thinks that.”
“Louise does,” Emma said in short sharp breathes as she struggled to compose herself. “She won’t even look at me. Not that I can blame her. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. If I hadn’t have fought with him that morning he would have been fine.”
“Emma you didn’t give Daddy a heart attack,” Helen said as the tears of both sadness and sympathy trickled down her face. “Your Daddy has been sick for a while now. Yes he was upset over your argument but it didn’t cause his heart attack. He knew himself he was living on borrowed time.”
“Dad was sick?” Emma asked surprised by what her mother had said. She wiped the tears from her eyes. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“Daddy wouldn’t let us,” Helen explained. “He found out that there was something wrong with his heart shortly after you lost Jonathan. Cardiomy something or other, I can never remember what it was called. Dad didn’t want to tell you because he felt you had enough to deal with between losing Jonathan and being pregnant. He agreed to tell you when you came home but when you got here you looked so lost and unhappy, well Dad said not to say anything yet.”
“But I never even got to say goodbye to him or tell him I love him,” Emma sobbed. “The last thing I said to him was I would never forgive him for what happened. But that wasn’t true I love him so much and I tried to call him to tell him I was sorry but it...it was too late.”
“Emma, Daddy knew you loved him,” Helen told her as she brushed a stray hair from her daughter’s face and wiping the tears from her face. “You were his pride and joy. He was so proud of how you have spread your wings and made a life for yourself. He was proud of how you showed such strength in picking up the pieces and kept going on for your beautiful girls after losing Jonathan.”
“I don’t feel strong,” Emma whispered sadly, keeping her eye fixed on the ground. “I am struggling so badly. Some mornings I don’t know how I managed to get out of bed.”
“But you do,” Helen said softly, moving closer to Emma and taking hold of her hand. “And you will again tomorrow and the next day and then again the day after that. You will do it because you love your little girls.”
“But I don’t want to do it alone,” Emma admitted with a sob. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“You don’t have to be alone,” Helen said, her heart breaking for her daughter. “You have me and Jack and even Louise. I know Louise is angry, but she will calm down. She is angry with everyone right now and she is looking for someone to blame but that won’t always be the case, I promise.”
“I’m sorry,” Emma suddenly realizing just how selfish she must have sounded. She had to remember her Mam was going through the same thing too. She had just lost the love of her life. The person she had spent most of her grown up life with. Emma realized how hard it must be for her to try and be strong for so many people. “I must sound so selfish. You don’t need me to tell you how crappy this feels.”
“It’s ok,” Helen reassured her. “Yes I miss Daddy, I miss him even more then I thought I would. But I have had time to prepare myself for this. And even though my heart is breaking I am happy knowing your Dad died knowing how much I loved him. We had time to tell each how we felt about each other and when the time came, there was nothing else that needed to be said. He was my best friend and I will miss him every day, for the rest of my life. But I have no regrets about the time I spent with him. I just feel lucky to have found someone like him and lucky to have gotten to spend my most of my life with him”.
“Do you think I will ever find my best friend” Emma asked her mother as she wiped a tear from her cheek.
“You will my lovely girl” Helen replied and kissed Emma’s fore head. “And when you do, you have to let yourself be happy again. Neither Jonathan nor Dad would want you to be so unhappy. They both loved you so much. They would want you to live your
life and be happy again.”
“Emma!” Jack called from the back door. “Zach is here with Mia.”
“Okay,” Emma called back. “I will be right there.”
“Who knows?” Helen said when Emma turned back to her. “Maybe you already have.”
“Maybe,” Emma replied managing to smile properly for the first time in weeks. “I should go in”.
“Ok sweetheart,” Helen said. “I will be right behind you.”
She walked down the pathway towards the house but stopped half down and turned back to her Mom.
“I love you, Mom,” she said smiling at her Mother.
“I love you too, pet.” Helen smiled at her daughter.
Emma walked through the house and into the sitting room where Zach was waiting for her with Mia.
“Mommy!” Mia squealed with excitement when she walked into the room. She held up a doll dressed in a pink dress and a soother in its mouth. “Look what Zach bought me. It’s just like Lily.”
“Oh she is very pretty sweetheart,” Emma said sitting on the sofa and pulling Mia up on her lap
“And we got a teddy for Lily” Mia said before she turned her attention back to her doll.
“Hey why don’t you take your new baby out to show your Nana?” Emma said as Mia slipped of her lap and ran for the door.
“You really didn’t have to buy anything for them,” Emma said when she and Zach were alone.
“It was nothing really,” he said with a smile. “She is a great kid. You have done a great job raising her. You both have.”
“Thank you for saying that,” Emma said realizing how hard it must have been for him to admit Jonathan had a part in it too.
“She talked about her Dad,” he said looking down at the floor. Emma knew it was hard for him to call Jonathan her dad. Because he was. It was clear, he was already completely utterly in love with Mia. “She said she misses him, but she said he looks over her and Lily.”
“She said that?” Emma replied smiling at the simple yet happy thoughts that her daughter had. “Sometimes I think she has forgotten him and then she will say something out of the blue and realize how hard it has been on her losing him the way she did.”
A Stolen Heart Page 19