“You’d like America. And America would like you, I suspect.”
Why was it so bloody easy with Nate? She couldn’t even stay mad at him. Last night she’d intended never to speak to him again and now, twelve hours later, she was sharing all her secret dreams with him. It was like she couldn’t take a proper breath until they were alone like this. No one made her feel this way, so comfortable in her own skin.
“Perhaps. Probably better than England does, for all I was born here. My friend, Victoria, was always better at being a proper English lady than I was, and she’s American. I’m British through and through and can never seem to manage it.”
Nate scoffed. “Who cares what England thinks? The only people who think Britain is the center of everything are the British. There’s a whole wide world out there, Amelia. People living lives that look nothing like yours, in lands you can’t begin to imagine. And yet we persist in thinking our way is the only way or even the right one. The men I drank with in Rio don’t care at all how tea is served at house parties in Kent, I can promise you.”
“How refreshing that would be. You saw the world with Captain Sullivan, I take it?”
“I did. We did well together. He was on the verge of buying another ship and turning over the captaining to others when he became ill. He kept it a secret, of course, weather-beaten old salt he was. I think he thought if he faced it like a storm, head-on and brooking no quarter, he’d defeat it, too. He didn’t. And I didn’t know what he’d done, leaving me the ships, until after, when his will was read. To this day it’s the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
Her throat grew tight and her eyes burned. She’d never met this Captain Sullivan, but he’d done such a wondrous kindness to Nate, she couldn’t help but feel indebted to him.
“And you grew those two ships into your fleet. Julia leads me to believe you’re something of a sensation in the industry for all you’ve accomplished.”
“Julia flatters me. Yes, I’ve achieved much, considering where I started. But my company is quite a bit smaller than Lord Hyde’s company. His is quite large and he handles the government contracts, which are extremely lucrative.”
“Hmm, it’s funny, Lord Hyde doesn’t strike me as someone who’s at all concerned with business or finance.”
“He isn’t. The few times I’ve attempted to engage him on the topic, he doesn’t have a thing to say. I can only assume his business manager handles the running of it. He must be a talented man, whoever he is. The company is a titan.”
“I suppose so.” Amelia cleared her throat and squinted out across the water. Her hat brim shielded her eyes, but the sunlight reflected back off the glassy water, shining in her face. “It would be quite profitable for you to align with Hyde’s company, I take it.”
Nate shifted on the bench. “Undoubtedly. Those government contracts are hard to get, and Hyde’s got the connections to make it happen, owing to his title. I’ve never been able to overcome that deficit, no matter how successful I’ve become.”
“But if he were family...” she trailed off, still keeping her eyes averted.
“Yes, if he were family...”
“Well,” Amelia said. “It’s a good thing Julia seems fond of you, then. Oh, look, this is where Evelyn said one could go ashore on the island.”
They’d rowed across the lake and around to the back of the little island in its center. The ground sloped gently to the water’s edge, with the trees and shrubs cleared away.
“Do you want to go ashore?”
“Why not? We’re here already.”
Nate guided their little boat into the shallows and let it coast until it nosed onto the shore. He jumped out and tugged it farther onto dry land before helping Amelia to climb out. The island was ringed with willow trees, their fluttering branches trailing into the water. The inside had been cleared, its neatly trimmed grass hinting at regular maintenance from the gardening staff. Still, it was quite peaceful and charming, for having been man-made. The laughter of the others onshore didn’t make it this far out. Aside from the sigh of the breeze through the willows and the twitter of the starlings, it was utterly silent.
Amelia and Nate walked slowly around the perimeter, as if examining the place, even though everything could be seen quite well from where they’d come ashore. They kept a respectable foot between them, along with a weighty silence. Nate had been loquacious enough in the boat, but he was talking about himself and his life. Once that was done, everything else they might talk about seemed too fraught.
“How do things progress with Radwill?” His voice in the near silence made her jump.
“Well,” she said with some strain. “He seems to be growing fond of me.”
“Anyone who’s seen him with you couldn’t doubt it.”
“Do you think so?”
“It’s quite clear,” Nate said grimly. “And is your father pleased?”
“Delighted. Radwill is exactly what Mama wanted for me. She’ll be delighted.”
“Then it seems everyone will be getting what they want except you.”
“I’ve told you, Nate, I was never going to get what I want.”
“I hope you find a way to be happy, Amelia.”
She sighed. “Nate...”
“No.” He held up a hand. “I don’t mean to start another quarrel. I mean it. I hope you find happiness.”
She stopped and turned to face him. The dappled sun broke through the leaves, picking out his golden hair and sun-kissed skin. She wanted to reach up and touch his face, shape his strong cheekbones with her fingertips, trace his eyebrows with her thumbs. Oh, fate was cruel, dropping him in front of her like the realization of every dream she’d ever had—now, when she was resigning herself to the future that had always awaited her. This whole business with Radwill would have been managed in a heartbeat if not for Nate’s sudden reappearance in her life, setting everything spinning. One more evening of subtle flirtation and promising glances and Radwill was hers, she knew it. She’d get everything she’d set out to accomplish, but for the rest of her life it would ring hollow, because Nate had shown her what more existed.
“Nate,” she whispered, and her anguish must have shown on her face because he was the one who reached out, cupping her face in his palm. He traced the top of her cheekbone with his thumb, his eyes moving over her features as if memorizing them, before drawing away again.
“I’m sure it will work out well.” His encouraging smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“For you, too. I’m positive Julia will say yes when you ask her. She’s tremendously fond of you. It only remains to see who will manage it first, so we can declare a winner in our challenge.”
“Can we not speak about that now?”
“It’s only reality, Nate. There are two more days of the house party left, then we’ll both start our new lives.”
Nothing had ever sounded so bleak.
“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Nate murmured.
“I’ll miss you,” she said impulsively. “For all you’ve bedeviled me this week, I’m happy we found each other again. I’ve missed you for all these years.”
He smiled, and it was genuine, if a little sad. “I’ve missed you, too.”
“It’s a shame women and men can’t be friends the way we were when we were children. I should like to remain your friend.”
“You should always consider me your friend, Amelia, even if we’re not racing up ship masts together anymore. Even if we can’t meet as friends.” After a moment’s hesitation, he reached into his pocket. “If we’ve declared peace, I wish you’d take this back.” He pressed the sea glass into her hand.
She took it, tracing a finger around its edge. “You did it, you know.”
“Did what?”
“Do you remember what you said the day you
found this? You said you were going to be like this glass, something good emerging from that sea of rubble. And here you are, about to marry the daughter of an earl.”
“Stop.” His voice was a ragged growl. When she raised her eyes to his, they were full of pain and frustration. She meant to say more, to talk them happily into their futures, where they could part as fond friends and wish each other well, but the words died on her tongue.
It was all too awful. It was hard enough to withstand him when he was teasing her and being a wretch. When he was like this, gentle and kind, her heart nearly broke open.
She cursed softly as her eyes began to water. She’d cried more in the past week than in the whole of her life before. It was ridiculous.
“Come here,” Nate murmured, drawing her into his arms. She went willingly, resting her cheek against his chest, her palms pressed against the fine wool of his waistcoat. He was so much taller than her that her head tucked perfectly underneath his chin. He laid his cheek against her hair and they stood like that together for several endless minutes. Unlike their previous physical encounters, there was no lust or uncontrollable heat. He simply held her.
The sun, the bird calls, the tiny island ringed with willows—It was as if they’d stopped time. The world and all its complications and obligations would wait for a moment. His heart beat strong and steady under her cheek, his chest rising and falling beneath her hands. This would be the last time she would ever touch him like this.
Amelia was not one for quiet reflection, but now she concentrated, memorizing everything about this moment, every sound, scent and sensation, packing it away forever in her mind like a treasured love letter. For the rest of her life, she’d secretly take out this moment and relive it in her mind, the time she was perfectly content in the arms of the man she loved. She inhaled, drawing everything about him into herself. This moment would have to last her a lifetime and she wanted to be able to recall every bit of it.
When they kissed, it seemed to happen on instinct, her face raising just as his lowered—a quiet declaration of what couldn’t be said. The passion always between them still simmered below the surface, but neither of them let it loose. His hands traced the curve of her back before one came up to hold the base of her neck, gently cradling her as if she was precious to him. She ran her fingers through his hair, reveling in the intimacy of the gesture. She’d never touched a man’s hair before and she was quite certain she never would again, no matter how events played out. She didn’t want to. She wanted Nate to own this memory.
In a show of Herculean restraint, Amelia was the one to draw back first. She kept her eyes fixed on the tight, perfect knot of his tie as her fingers slid down his neck to grip his lapels.
“We should go back.” Her voice was low and husky. “We’ve been gone quite a long time. There will be a terrible scandal.”
“Hang them all,” Nate growled.
“You don’t mean that.”
“No, I don’t.”
Nate gripped her waist, lingering there a moment as if he, too, was memorizing everything about this. Then his hands fell away and he took a step back. When she dared to look up at his face, Nate was gone and he was Mr. Smythe again, the veneer of proper Society firmly in place. Genevieve’s training was so ingrained in her, it took only a moment for her to do the same, for Miss Wheeler the heiress to step forward and leave Natty’s Amelia behind for the last time.
They walked in silence back to the rowboat. Nate handed her in before pushing it out into the water and climbing aboard himself. Out on the lake, the same warm sunlight beat down, the same mirrorlike water shone up, the same glorious vista of fields and trees disappeared into the distance, but Nate felt utterly rent open inside.
He glanced at her across from him in the rowboat. She stared at some point off on the far shore, her face in profile to him. Her loveliness was a knife to his chest. Her profile, the upturned nose, the delicate chin, the creamy skin and curving cheekbones, the mass of shining black hair coiled against the nape of her neck—she could have been an engraving in a magazine. But unlike some perfect image of womanhood in print, he’d held this one in his arms. He had felt the fire inside her and done battle with the delightful, sharp mind behind those glittering dark eyes. She enthralled his brain, sent his body half-crazed with lust and twisted his heart up with love. He thought he’d left behind such troublesome emotions when he was fifteen and his whole family had died. Since then, his heart had belonged to the sea and his ships. Now, undeniably, it belonged to Amelia.
She’d stirred to life that dormant emotion, and fixed it firmly to herself before he’d even realized it was happening. And now that he knew it, now he could feel it filling up every corner of his heart, it was too late. Even if he could convince her to cast off her family and choose him, he was all but pledged to Julia.
What had he thought he was doing? Had he honestly thought he could court and wed a girl who was little more than a stranger with no more passion or feeling than he expressed when picking out a necktie? Perhaps he could have before Amelia had come storming back into his life. But now she was here, the only woman he would ever love, and he’d made a disastrous mess of everything.
While he did the right thing by Julia, Radwill, that poor fool, would no doubt offer for Amelia before the week was out and it would be done. She’d become his wife and a viscountess, and she’d be lost to him forever, with even more finality than when she’d been snatched away as a child. She’d have her title and a comfortable life, but Radwill would never understand—and never appreciate—the passionate, complex woman he’d married. The Amelia he knew would be pressed flat like a flower between papers—by her title, by Society, by marriage to a man unworthy of her.
Meanwhile he’d achieve all the success he could ever want, but spend his life partnered with a pleasant girl for whom he felt absolutely nothing.
He wanted to howl in frustration, but he’d gotten where he was today by knowing exactly when to stop exerting effort on a lost cause. They’d both been set on their paths long before they found each other again. And it turned out somewhere along the line it had become impossible to turn back.
Chapter Fourteen
Amelia didn’t speak to Nate as he brought the boat into the dock. She didn’t even look at him. It was impossible. If she did, she’d break down. She sat quietly as he tied up the boat and took his hand as he helped her out, but she dropped it again the instant her feet were on the dock. Kitty and Will were out on the water, but Evelyn and Tony were already there, their boat ride either already finished or never attempted in the first place. Evelyn looked cross and Amelia had the feeling they’d walked into something unpleasant.
“Thank you for the boat ride, Mr. Smythe,” Amelia said, eyes averted. “It was lovely.”
“You’re most welcome, Miss Wheeler,” Nate said as if by rote. He didn’t look at her, either. “If you will all excuse me,” he said, nodding at the others. “I think I’ll go check on Lady Julia.”
“Well, Evie,” Tony said. “Shall we row out to the island now Nate and Amelia are back?” His sly grin said exactly what he hoped to get up to alone on the island.
“Um, I’m afraid I’ve had a bit too much sun,” Evelyn said. “I think I’ll return to the house and have the staff prepare some refreshments for everyone when they return. Miss Wheeler?” She turned to Amelia with pleading eyes. “Would you accompany me?”
“Oh...of course,” Amelia stammered, caught off guard by Evelyn’s unexpected appeal. “I’d be happy to.”
Evelyn looped her arm through Amelia’s and steered them back toward the house. Both were quiet for the first few minutes as they marched across the wide lawn.
“Mr. Smythe is quite handsome,” Evelyn observed. Amelia flushed with panic but did an admirable job of feigning nonchalance.
“Is he? I’m afraid I can only see a scrawny boy
when I look at him. The hazard of childhood friendships, I suppose. It’s very hard to move on from them.” And wasn’t that the biggest understatement she’d ever uttered?
“I suppose.” Evelyn was silent for a moment, but Amelia could practically hear her anxiety even though she didn’t make a sound. Something was on Evelyn’s mind, and she was only waiting for a reason to let it all out. Even though she suspected she’d be sorry for it, Amelia gave her the opening she was clearly seeking.
“Mr. Batchelder is rather attractive, as well.”
“Do you think so?” Evelyn turned her questioning eyes to Amelia.
“Don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. Only...”
Amelia hesitated. Evelyn had given her no indication in the past that she would welcome an intimacy with her. But the girl wanted to unburden herself and for whatever reason, she wasn’t turning to Kitty. “Is this about last night?” Amelia ventured.
Evelyn winced. “I never meant... I mean, I went into the garden with him alone. I thought he might kiss me, but I didn’t expect...”
An unpleasant suspicion began unfurling in Amelia’s mind. “Evelyn, did Mr. Batchelder force himself on you?”
“No.” Evelyn’s brows furrowed. “No, he didn’t force me. He was perhaps a bit...aggressive in his persuasion, but I never told him no.”
“Pardon me, but you seem distressed by what happened.”
“Kitty told me to,” she said in a rush. “She said a man like Tony, in that fast Cambridge set, is used to girls who allow liberties. She said all the girls did it these days. She said he’d never come up to scratch unless I gave him a bit of incentive. So I let him touch me. Only... Now I feel somewhat uneasy about it. And he’s...he’s not acting as if it mattered at all. And it did. Didn’t it? I mean, shouldn’t it? I’ve done something dreadful, haven’t I?”
Silently cursing that stupid twit, Kitty Ponsoy, she debated how to proceed.
“Evelyn, I’m not going to tell you it was dreadful or judge you in any way. It’s not my place. Only you can do that.”
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