A warm body was pressed against mine. Desire and panic pulsed through my system as my dreaming past crashed with my present. I’d known then, when Rhett took me, that we’d been walking a dangerous line. I’d been too young, however, to see that line for what it was - a very dangerous relationship in the making. I’d been too in love with him, too innocent, to understand the consequences of my allowance of Rhett’s frightening actions. Now, I was left here to pick up the pieces.
Rhett had taken me in controlling ways sprinkled with an affectionate hand throughout the expanse of our relationship, but he’d always waited for my permission before moving inside of me. The night before I’d had enough, though, had been his first violation of my body. It had been the first time he’d expressed his true feelings of complete ownership over me. It had frightened me. In no way had I been excited or turned on.
I should have known, from the very beginning, that Rhett would one day shatter my trust in him. I should have known, that he was sick from the beginning. I should have run fast and far. But I hadn’t. And the pain, fear, and blame I now carried with me would be forever present.
***
Shifting, my body moved against the hard male body my backside was pressed tight against. The haze of my mind snapped as sleep faded and I cried out, my voice filled to the brim with panic.
“No, Rhett!” Before I knew it, I was darting up from the bed. Darkness surrounded me from every side. Moving backward quickly, I felt something solid hit the back of my legs and I fell backward, my backside crashing against the floor.
That’s when I realized I was clothed. Completely.
“Kami!” Light flooded the space and my mind clicked into the here and now. I realized, with embarrassment and shame, that I was with Kyle. “What the hell?”
Tears blurred my vision as I covered my mouth with my hand, pressing at my sob. “I’m sorry, Kyle.”
He didn’t seem to care that I was obviously panicked, because before I knew it, he had his arms wrapped tight around me. My cheek was pressed against his chest and I could feel the rapid, angry beating of his heart against my face.
Again, I pulled in a deep breath to apologize. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out.”
“What were you dreaming, sweetheart?” Kyle asked roughly. I could feel his control was thin and yet I still wasn’t afraid of him. In his arms, I felt so impossibly safe. “What did he do to make you cry out like that?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about this.” I pleaded. “Please.”
“Kami.” I heard frustration in his voice, and before I’d thought my actions through, I’d wound my arms tight around him, holding him to me. I knew I must have looked insane, but I was terrified of having him pull away from me - forcing me to face the horror of my past alone. “Talk to me.”
“Kyle, I can’t. Don’t make me live it all again, please. Not right now.” My voice shook and his arms tightened.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to say a thing.” He cooed, rocking me on the floor of his living room. After long minutes had past and my tears had dried, Kyle continued to rock me against him as though he was afraid, that if he released me, I might just crumble. “I’m sorry I stayed with you, Kami. I should have went to bed but I just,”
“What?” I asked when he paused.
“I just wanted to be close to you.” He spoke low - his words were almost whispered. “I wanted to hold you.”
Blinking, I felt a new brand of tears swell in my eyes. Thankfully, I was able to suppress them. “I just had a nightmare and I forgot where I was.” Blushing through my shame, I was thankful he couldn’t see my face. “I’ve only ever slept beside Rhett and I was afraid.” I didn’t say the rest. I didn’t need to.
Kyle tensed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kami. I had no right to stay with you.”
Shaking my head, I pulled away from him. “Please don’t apologize.”
I peeled myself from his arms, moving slowly to the blanket lying in a heap at the end of the couch where Kyle had thrown it. Sitting on the couch, I watched Kyle stand. His eyes looked from me to the stairs and back again. Rocking on his heels, he spoke. “I suppose I should leave you alone this time.”
“Please don’t,” I whispered, looking down at my knees. “I really don’t want to be alone.”
I heard Kyle hiss in a breath. His feet moved over the floor and he lowered himself to his knees in front of me, forcing me to look into his dark eyes. “What do you want, Kami?”
Blushing, I shrugged. “I don’t understand?”
“Tell me what you want, what you need - and I’ll try to be that for you.”
“Kyle, I,” I shook my head. “I don’t understand what you’re asking me to tell you.”
“If you want a friend, Kami, I’ll be that for you. I’ll be your best friend. I’ll be your protector. I’ll do whatever you need, be whatever you need.” He dragged a hand through his messy sleep hair. “If you want me to hold you when you sleep, I will. Every night. If you want me to be in the same room, but never touch you, I can do that, too. I want to be the one you find comfort and safety in, Kami.” His cheeks turned red and my heart felt heavy with every emotional beat. “I care about you, Kami. In the past two weeks, I’ve tried to be everything you need. I haven’t pushed you, and I won’t push you, but I need you to tell me what you need so that I never have to live through the possibility of losing you.”
“Kyle,” I breathed his name.
“I just want to be what you need.” His dark eyes were serious and filled with so much emotion that was so unfamiliar to me. Never before had a man looked at me this way - as though I was his goddess, his hope, and his dreams, all in one. Never had I felt such selfless purity and honesty in a declaration spoken from a man’s lips.
Looking into Kyle’s eyes, in this moment, I felt something I know I’ve never felt before. Love. I didn’t know exactly what kind of love this was that I felt for him. I cared for him. He was my friend, and in so many ways, he had become my protector - my safe place. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved him, however, I wasn’t in love with him.
For the first time in my life, I realized that love is not possessive or needy. Love is not binding or violent. It is never uncertain or angry.
Love, in its true form, is so much more than most know or believe it to be. Love is patient and kind. Love is gentle and soothing. Love builds you higher and never fails to offer strength when needed.
In only two weeks, Kyle had shown me love for what it really is - great selflessness.
Chapter 10
“Tell me, Kami.” He held his breath. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want a friend.” I whispered, and I swore I saw a little light fall from his eyes. “I want you to hold me tonight, and maybe even tomorrow night.” I added on a brave, ragged breath, and he sighed what I thought was a lungful of relief. “I want to get to know you better, but I’m not ready for something serious, Kyle. I’m just not ready for that right now - after everything. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want - what I need.”
“I’ll take what I can get, sweets.” Kyle replied honestly. “I just want a chance to show you there’s more to life than what you’ve always known.”
How this man made me feel with such potency, in response to words so small, was astounding. Kyle was proving to be everything that I needed, but didn’t know existed.
“You really are a good man, Kyle.” I reached out to run my fingertips against the hard line of his jaw.
He leaned into my touch for a moment before his hand covered mine, his fingers weaving with mine. I watched through uncertain eyes as he stood. “Do you want to sleep here or in my room?”
I blushed cherry red and he hurried to add. “I’ll hold you, Kami. Nothing more.”
I smiled, and was surprised to find it came easy - almost naturally. “I do trust you, Kyle.” I assured in case he didn’t already know. “I’d prefer a bed, though.”
/> He grinned. “Me too.”
I stood with his help, my heart racing quickly through my chest. He led me across the floor, up the stairs, through a long hall where open doors to guest bedrooms and an office sat. Then he walked me into his bedroom. I knew it was his as soon as I stepped through the threshold. It was so - Kyle. Everything was dark. Almost black. It smelled like him, too. A spicy warm scent only he possessed. I hadn’t been in his room for more than a minute, but I decided it was perfect. In all its darkness, it felt sturdy. It felt like him.
“What do you think?” He asked huskily.
I peeked up at him through my lashes. “I like it. A lot.”
He raised his brows. “You don’t think it’s too dark?”
“Not at all.” I broke away from his hand, suddenly curious about his reaction. How many other women had he brought here? Why did he think I would think it was too dark? Was that what their reactions had been? Scolding myself for my unwarranted jealous thoughts, I replied. “It actually makes me think of you.”
His voice dropped a notch or two. “You think I’m dark?”
I couldn’t tell if he was offended or not, but I didn’t want him to feel, for any length of time, that I thought he was anything unsettling. “No. Actually, it’s the darkness you surround yourself with that makes me feel safe. You’re strong, Kyle,” my voice lowered to an almost-whisper. “I’ve known you were strong from the moment I laid my eyes on you. Your strength makes me feel - safe.”
His expression was so serious, it made my heart thump in my chest and my palms sweat. He stepped closer to me. “It doesn’t intimidate you?”
“No.” I shook my head, lifting my chin. “I know you could hurt me, overpower me, force me - but I know you won’t. You will never hurt me.” I met his eyes with my own. “Not on purpose.”
His fingertips whispered over the flesh of my throat and shivers exploded over my body as his hand moved to cup the back of my head. Gently, he cradled me. “I would never hurt you, Kami.” He vowed. “All I want to do is protect you - from your past pains and from whatever pains your future may hold.”
“Why?” I could not connect the dots between his irrational need to protect me. From what I’ve heard, Kyle’s not really the pursuing kind of guy. He’s not the kind of guy to get involved in the drama of another’s past - but he certainly has pushed his way into my life - into my past. Sadly for him, my past was one big drama-fest.
Kyle gazed into my eyes. “Because I knew from the moment I saw you, that you’ve never had anyone to protect you. I don’t know what it is about you, Kami, but I just can’t walk away from you.”
“I’m happy I met you.”
He chuckled. “I’m so happy you came here.”
“I’m tired.” I announced on a laugh and Kyle shook his head playfully at me.
“Climb in bed.” He pointed to his large bed and I felt something in my belly flutter to life. It was a kind of desire I couldn’t seem to banish. Kyle added at my frozen silence. “If you still want to spend the night in here.”
“I do.” I assured quietly. “Actually, I was wondering if you had a big t-shirt I could borrow.”
“Sure,” he moved across the room to a dresser. Pulling open the drawer, he tugged a large black t-shirt from the pile. Handing it to me, he pointed to a dark room attached to the bedroom. “Bathroom’s right there if you want to change.”
“Thanks.” I scurried into the bathroom.
I changed quickly into his t-shirt and reveled in the scent - Kyle’s scent - against my skin. I was so nervous I feared that if I lay next to him, he would be able to feel my heart beating. I hadn’t slept next to any man apart from Rhett and although I was nervous, I was also very excited.
This was new. The only man I had known so intimately had hurt me unforgivably. Looking back, there were bright red flashing signs pointing to the downfall Rhett and I would face, but I hadn’t seen them at the time. At the time, I’d been so naïve. I’d ached to belong to another in a way all the romance novels depicted was so blissfully perfect. I’d ached to be possessed, and needed, so potently, that I was the only one who could satisfy his hunger. That had been a mistake on my part. I never should have wanted to belong to Rhett. I never should have longed to submit to him as I did once upon a time.
Looking into the mirror, I decided that the next time I surrender myself - my body, soul and mind to another, it would be because I choose it. Because I will it. Because I want it.
Not because I want to belong to another, to be possessed, to be owned - but because I want to stand beside someone - to hold their hand - to be their partner.
The next time I surrender my body - it will be a safe surrender.
Chapter 11
I stepped from the bathroom to find Kyle sitting on the end of his bed waiting for me. As soon as his eyes caught sight of me, heat shone in their depths. My stomach fluttered. My heart raced. My breath caught.
I stepped forward, pausing in front of him.
I smiled, “Hey.”
“Hey,” his voice sounded gravelly. “You look good in my shirt.”
I curtsied, earning a shit-grin. “Thank you, sir.”
“You’re ridiculous, love.” He caught my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. My heart leapt at the new endearment. “Come here.”
“Where?” I breathed as he tugged my body forward until I was standing flush against his.
“Right here.” His hand moved to the small of my back and I felt the excitement in my belly travel lower. I wished I knew what it was about this man that made my body ache to know his, to mesmerize his, but I didn’t.
“Here feels good.” I whispered.
“Safe?” He questioned, his tone demanded honesty.
I nodded, “Safe.”
I felt his chest fill with air at my avowal. His eyes connected with mine, and when he spoke, his voice was filled with something so primal I shivered. “I want to kiss you right now, Kami. I won’t - unless you ask me to - but I want you to know that I want to kiss you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in this world.”
My breath caught and I swore my lips tingled as though feeling the weight of his lips against mine. My every breath was unsteady, my chest rising and falling with abandon against his. And then I decided, that this was it. This moment was that safe surrender I so desperately wanted. I’d found it in Kyle.
“Please, Kyle,” I watched his eyes as I spoke. “Kiss me.”
His eyes sharpened. “Are you sure, Kami? I don’t want to hurry you. I want,”
I cut him off. “You said if I asked.” I licked my lips. “Please, stay true to your word to me, Kyle.”
“Always.” He vowed on a ragged breath. “I’ll always stay true to my word to you, Kami.”
“Please, kiss me.”
He moved one hand up from the small of my back to cup the nape of my neck. His fingers trailed so gently across my flesh that I shivered against him. My flesh pebbled with goosebumps at my body’s awareness to his and my nipples hardened against his chest. I knew by the hiss of breath between his lips that he felt them swell against his chest.
Then, his lips were on mine. They were so soft, so gentle, so warm. His kiss was like water and fire at the same time. One moment, I felt as though I was drowning in him and then I felt as though I were burning up from the inside out with desire, with completion. My past, my pains, and my confusions all fell away to nothing as his lips moved against mine. His tongue traced the line of my bottom lip before he pulled it into his mouth, sucking gently. Releasing my lip, his mouth covered mine again, barely leaving me a moment to breathe. But I didn’t need to. Air, water, and the ground beneath my feet - none of it mattered when there was this fire between us, surrounding us in its warm embrace.
His tongue probed between my lips, begging gently for entrance I provided as I opened my mouth to him in return for the right to explore his. With Kyle, all was fair. He took and I gave and then I took and he gave. This was a dance in which we both
lead. We were equals. Partners.
As his tongue swirled around mine, I moaned into his mouth, allowing him to swallow my sound, claim it, taste it. My hands dove deep into the mess of his rich brown locks before I wrapped my arms around the bulk of his shoulders, needing something sturdy to hold myself up. Under the spell of his kiss, the intoxication of his taste, my knees were growing weak. As though sensing this, Kyle wrapped his hands around the small of my waist, lifting me against his body. Instinct urged me to wrap my legs around his hips as he stood from the end of the bed. Spinning around, I felt the bed press against my back as Kyle laid me down. Covering my body with his, I locked my ankles together and he groaned a strangled sound against my lips.
“Kami,” he breathed my name and that fire that burned inside me raged, like wildfire burning through a dry forest. “You taste so good.” His lips slammed down on mine again and I kissed him urgently, fervently. He moaned, “We have to stop, love.”
“No,” I shook my head, pleading. “Why?”
“I want you.” He bit out the words. “So much.”
“I know.” I whispered. I could feel his swollen length resting against my moist core through the fabric separating us. “I want you too.”
“Shit, Kami.” He shook his head. Resting his forehead against mine, he closed his eyes as though trying to hold himself back. He was struggling, that much was obvious. His arms were pinned on either side of my body, trembling. “I don’t want to do anything to ruin this - us.”
Softly, I pressed my lips against his. Letting my eyes flutter closed, I whispered. “This won’t ruin us, Kyle. You’re not taking me, forcing me, hurting me - you’re allowing me this choice. I’ve chosen you, Kyle. I want you. I want to know you. I want to know your body, your mind, and your soul.” I pressed another soft kiss against his lips. “It doesn’t have to be tonight, but I want you to know that I want this - you. I want to surrender myself to you.”
A Safe Surrender: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (Donnelley Brothers Book 2) Page 9