Kyle steered me toward his truck, completely bypassing the Jeep I’d driven this morning to the gym despite the fact that we’d left from his house together and were planning on returning to the same place. Driving in my own vehicle (even though technically it was Kyle’s) gave me a sense of independence I desperately needed - but right now, the only thing I needed was to get out of here.
I hadn’t had an anxiety attack in years. The attacks had ended when I first met Rhett four years after I’d found myself in the foster system. He’d been a safe place for me - a constant in the chaos after my mother’s death. I’d needed a constant so desperately that I would have accepted almost anything. Looking back, I see that now. Rhett gave me something I hadn’t had since my mother’s death and I’d needed it. He gave me something that hadn’t changed. After my mother had been murdered by an obsessive customer at the strip club she’d been working in - tossing me into a whirlwind that still hadn’t settled - I’d found myself in foster home after foster home. My life was in a constant state of change, and then I’d found Rhett - or, he’d found me. He’d given me a steadiness, something I’d ached for after losing my mother and the only home I’d ever truly known.
My mother might not have been everything the conventional mother is - but she was still mine. She had loved me with more love than many mothers display toward their children. She was my best friend, my confidant, and my caregiver. The fact that she was a stripper had never mattered to me. My mother had never brought work home with her and the only time her unconventional job had ever really touched my life was the night I found out she’d been murdered in the parking lot on her way to her car.
To this day, I still didn’t know the details of her murder. I didn’t know if she’d been raped, beaten or simply killed quickly. It all hurt the same. At the tender age of eleven, I’d lost my mother to a man consumed by anger and lust. I still didn’t know the details of her death. I knew I could ask now, and be told. Unlike the innocent eleven year old girl I once was - I was old enough. However, I didn’t want to know. It was selfish, but I needed to believe that her death had been a quick one.
Kyle pulled the truck to a stop, snapping me from my thoughts. Killing the rumbling of the engine he exited the cab and rounded to my side. He swung open the door and stared inquisitively at me through narrowed, dark eyes. I feared he’d ask me what happened, demanding an answer I simply couldn’t give, but he didn’t.
Instead, his hands reached up to unbuckle me from my seat before he pulled my body tight against his chest. And that’s when I knew that Kyle was different.
The first time I’d met Kyle, I’d sensed he was safe. The first time he’d touched me, I knew deep in the marrow of my bones, that, in him, I’d found my haven. Unlike some, Kyle would never force me to do or be anything that I wasn’t. All that he wanted was me. It was simple. Finally, I understood this.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I allowed Kyle to carry me bridal style into the house. His breaths were deep and his movements were precise. I knew when he laid me on the couch, eyeing me carefully before moving to the fireplace, that he was worried. I sensed he wanted to question me, but he didn’t. It shocked me that he could be so consumed by questions and still hold his silence - for me.
I watched him as he built a warm fire in the stone of the fireplace before turning back to gaze intensely at me. In the depths of his eyes, I saw nothing but worry and patience. I didn’t want him to worry about me, and I was so very grateful for his patience.
Pushing myself into a sitting position on the couch, I watched as Kyle moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table directly in front of me. Still, he didn’t ask what happened. He merely waited for me to speak and again, I found myself grateful for his astounding patience.
“I’m sorry,” I glanced down to where my hands were knotted in my lap.
“Don’t be sorry, Kami.” He said gruffly, his voice was so thick with emotion and concern. “Never be sorry.”
“I guess,” I stuttered.
“Take your time, love.” He spoke gently. His words gave me the courage I needed to be open and honest with him.
“I had an anxiety attack.” I stated, unable to look up into his unwavering eyes. “I used to get them a lot when,” I croaked, emotion cracking my voice.
“When?” He prompted tenderly. “You can trust me, sweetheart.”
Blinking, I looked up into his eyes. “I know I can. It just - it doesn’t make it easier.”
“You don’t have to tell me yet, Kami, if you’re not ready.” He assured. “I’m not walking away from you. I’ll help you through whatever it is in the only way I know how - by being here.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “But you deserve to know.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
Taking in a deep breath, I spoke. “The attacks started when I was eleven. My mom was a stripper for a flashy club in downtown Edmonton.” I peaked up at him, noting his surprise, but surprisingly, there was no judgment in his eyes. Finding the courage to go on, I spoke. “I can’t imagine what you’re thinking about her - but I want to make it clear that she was a good mother. We always had food on the table and I always had clothes on my back. She worked hard to ensure I went on all the fieldtrips my classmates, with parents who could afford to pay for the trips, went on.”
Kyle’s hand covered mine in my lap, his fingers squeezing gently. “She sounds like a good mother, Kami.”
Tears misted my eyes. “She was.” I closed my eyes and dragged a deep breath through my burning lungs. “When I was eleven, she was murdered.”
Kyle hissed in a breath and my eyes shot open to see a horrified expression of angry agony cross his face. His hands tightened around mine. “Sweetheart,”
I interrupted him. “I don’t know the details and I don’t want to know, but he man is in prison. He’d been a customer at the club, and for some reason, my mother had caught his eye.” I pulled in another breath. “I didn’t have anyone but my mom. After she died, I had nowhere to go but into foster care.”
“Fuck,” Kyle groaned under his breath and I hated the pain I heard in his voice.
“It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I lived with a few different families. Some were good and some weren’t so good. It was through a foster sister, that I met Rhett.”
I felt Kyle tense, the air shifting around us - thickening. “What triggered your attack today?”
I didn’t answer his question. I needed him to understand and the only way he ever would, was if I was brutally honest with him. “I was living with a family, the Preston’s, when I met Rhett. Mrs. Preston was a lovely, caring woman with an enormous heart and a blind eye. Mr. Preston was rumored to take more than just a fatherly interest in the females under his care.”
“No!” Kyle stood, dragging a hand through his hair. “Fuck, Kami, no!”
I stood with him, feeling nerves jumping in my belly. “Never me.” I swore. “He never took an interest in me.”
His eyes connected with mine and there was so much agony inside their depths that I longed, for a moment, to take away everything I’d told him. I didn’t want my pain to be his pain. “He never touched you?”
“No.” I offered a small smile. “Jana, my foster sister made sure I was never alone in the house.” I shrugged. “I don’t really know why she did that for me - she wasn’t all that much older than me, and she didn’t even seem to like me per say - but she protected me in the only way she knew how.”
“How?”
“She took me with her everywhere she went.” I answered calmly, sitting back down on the couch as Kyle continued to pace the floor. I watched him as he seemed to register that I was sitting and came to sit beside me. His hand found mine and he weaved his fingers through mine.
I continued. “Everywhere Jana went pretty much consisted of illegal parties. So through her, I met Rhett.”
“How old were you when you met him?”
“Fifteen.” I answered simply. “He was s
eventeen.”
“Too old for you.”
“You’re older than he is.” I scoffed.
“But I wasn’t pursuing you when I was almost eighteen and you were a minor.”
I shrugged, moving on. “I’ll admit I was too young for a relationship like the one I had with Rhett. I didn’t know who I was as a person and he never really allowed me the space to learn or develop.”
“Why were you with him?”
“He romanced me.” I replied honestly. “I felt so alone and Rhett was paying me all this wonderful and exciting attention. Again, I was young and far too innocent. Looking back, I see all the signs of a dangerous relationship were there. I was just remembering my earlier days with him when the attack happened. Rhett used to say he wanted me to belong to him and I suppose I was afraid that your wanting everyone to know we were an item was the same as him wanting to mark me with his hickies.” I shrugged, feeling ashamed. “I kept thinking of this horrible party where I refused to let him mark me and then a guy started talking to me - he wasn’t hitting on me - just talking - but Rhett freaked. He beat the guy up and then blamed me. He said it was because I didn’t let him mark me that the guy thought I was available. I was afraid when you looked back and saw that guy,”
Kyle’s eyes widened. “You thought I would beat up someone just cause they were talking to you?”
“Well, no,”
“Kami,” Kyle sighed, “Please tell me you know I’m not that guy?”
“I know. I just worry.”
He released my hand to catch my chin between his gentle, but firm, fingertips. “I would never do anything to harm you. I’ll admit, I’m a jealous guy every now and again, but I’ll never allow my jealousy to hurt you or someone else.”
“I know.” I whispered, ashamed for my panic attack. “I’m sorry.”
“Please, Kami, stop saying you’re sorry.” He pulled me into his lap before settling into the back of the couch. I couldn’t help but cuddle against him. There was just something about Kyle’s warmth - his solid arms - that made me feel at peace in a stressful situation.
“Thank you for listening and not being angry with me.”
He pressed his lips to my temple. “I love you, Kami.” His voice was thick with emotion. “All I want to do is take away your pain - all of your pain. If I could, I would gladly take the weight of your pain onto my heart.”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I sighed. “I think I know that too.”
“I love you.” He said again. His words were a declaration and a plea at the same time. I couldn’t help but smile at where I was in life from where I’d been, with a man who I could trust so completely. It was a blessing and for the first time in a long time, I felt that there was really someone watching out for me.
“I love you too.”
Chapter 17
“I don’t know what to wear!” Reese whined as she plucked through the rack of clothing in the cute little boutique in Calgary. “My stomach is starting to show already.”
“I thought you couldn’t wait to be showing?” I smirked, holding up a shimmery blue halter-top dress.
“I couldn’t. But it’s too soon. I swear, this baby is going to be huge.”
“Just like daddy.” I grinned, winking at her.
She narrowed her eyes. “I seriously need to figure out the sex.”
“What do you want?”
“A boy,” she sighed, rubbing her belly. “But I’d be happy either way.”
“Awe,”
She snapped her fingers, pointing to the dress I was holding. “I like that. You should try it on.” She pouted. “Unlike me, you’ve got a flat belly and can wear something all clingy like that.”
I shrugged as I gazed down at the dress uncertainly. “I don’t know,”
“Well, I’ll tell you what I know,” she waggled her brows at me. “Kyle won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”
“In that case,” I folded the dress over my arm. “I’ll try it on.”
Reese laughed and I found myself missing Ember. As much as I liked Reese, I couldn’t help but wish I had Ember here too. She was my best friend and I missed her terribly.
Reese spoke, interrupting my thoughts of Ember. “You better wear the hot stuff now as much as you can.”
My expression scrunched into one of confusion. “What makes you say that?”
“By the way Kyle looks at you, it won’t be long before you’re standing in my shoes.”
“Pardon me?” I raised a single brow. There was no way I was hearing her right! Was I?
She laughed. “Oh, come on! You don’t think you’ll remain all tight and perfect like you are now, do you?” She snorted. “Believe me, it won’t be long before you’re pregnant too.”
Okay, my eyes literally bugged out of my head. I swear, they were mere moments from popping out of my face and bouncing away on the floor. “I don’t think so.”
Reese rolled her eyes and huffed. “I denied it too.”
I felt the pressing need to clarify for her. “We’re not even having sex.”
Now, it was her eyes that bugged. “What!”
“Shhh!” I hissed, pressing my finger to my lips as I stole quick peeks around the store. “Someone might hear us!”
She waved me off. “How aren’t you guys having sex? Don’t you like, stay at his house almost every night?”
My face was on fire. “So what?”
“Um,” she raked her eyes over my body. “You’re not a virgin, are you?” Her hand plopped over her lips. “Ohmigawd! You’re waiting for marriage.”
It was my turn to snort. “Not me.” I shook my finger at her. “I’m perfectly content to start having sex with him - it’s Kyle who wants to wait for something as dated as marriage before we do the deed.”
Reese swooned. Yes, she really swooned. Her hand was lying over her heart and her eyes were misted. Those better be pregnancy emotions - because if they weren’t then this was just plain creepy.
“That is - so - sweet.” She sniffled and I glanced around, looking for the nearest exit. “He wants to marry you. Oh my,” she gasped. “What did you say?”
I straightened my spine. “That you and Logan were getting married and I didn’t want to impose.”
“Oh, don’t be silly!” She waved it off a second time. “Marry the man, Kami. You aren’t going to find anyone more loving, protecting, infuriating, and loyal than a Donnelley man. Well, a Donnelley man who isn’t Collin. Seriously, the woman who tames that man will be a fucking goddess.”
“First and foremost - how don’t you care if I marry him and steal your spotlight? That’s just plain rude! And second, I know I’ll never find someone like Kyle. Believe me, I’m not planning on running away, but I just - marriage scares me.” I quirked a grin. “Third, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear, so that was awesome! And fourth, I would love to watch a woman tame the world’s most untamable flirt. God, she would be a goddess.”
Reese laughed before turning serious. “Seriously, Kami, do you love him?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Completely.”
Her eyes turned misty and soft all over again. “Then don’t hold yourself back on account of someone else. Logan and I will be so happy for the two of you whenever you decide it’s time.” She held up her finger. “Just not on our wedding day. That day is off limits.” She winked. “But don’t wait too long allowing your insecurities to fester and life to pass you both by.”
It was my eyes that were misting now. “Thanks.” I swallowed, holding up the dress. “I’m going to go try this on.”
***
My cell rang just as I was finishing my makeup and I glanced down at my phone on the bathroom countertop and sighed when I saw it was Ember and not Rhett. Sliding my thumb over the screen, I answered. “Hey!”
“Hey to you!” She practically yelled into the phone. “I miss you something fierce, right now.”
“Awe, why?”
“Um,” she paused. “Maybe b
ecause I haven’t seen you in almost three months! It’s freaking April!”
I grinned, leaning against the counter. “I know. I miss you too.”
“What have you been up to? How’s the hot Donnelley brother you’ve been shamelessly banging?”
I coughed, staring at the bathroom door and knowing Kyle was just on the other side. “There has been no shameless anything going on here!” I assured, lowering my voice. “But he’s amazing, as ever.”
“Awe,” she sighed heavily. “You still haven’t slept with him?”
“Ember!” I scolded. “You’re ridiculous.”
A knock sounded on the door before it opened to expose Kyle. His eyes raked up over my body and a shiver broke out over my skin as I forgot everything but his eyes.
“Hello?” Ember’s voice pulled me from my captive state. “Are you even listening to me? Let me guess, Mr. Hot Brother is standing there, isn’t he?”
“Um,” I swallowed and Kyle grinned a lopsided shit-grin as he crossed the distance between us. “Hold on one sec, Ember.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I didn’t hear the end of her rant as I lowered the phone.
Kyle’s eyes were dark flames as they roamed over me. “You’re beautiful, Kami.” His hands grasped my waist and I pulled in a sharp breath. “So damn beautiful.”
“I’m,” I stuttered. “I’m on the phone with Ember.”
“I know.” He grinned. The shit-grin.
I blushed. “Can I have a few minutes? I have something I want to tell her.”
“Something you don’t want me to know?” He narrowed his eyes playfully; his hands warm through the material of the shimmery blue dress.
“Not yet,” I breathed.
Slowly, he lowered his mouth to mine. Kissing me fleetingly, he dropped his hands from my waist. “I’ll give you space, love.”
“Thanks.” I breathed my reply.
Turning at the door, he said. “You’re an amazing woman, sweets. I can’t wait for the day you allow me to announce your desire to spend your life with me.”
With that, he closed the door.
As I lifted the phone back to my ear, my heart raced so hard in my chest, it was violent.
A Safe Surrender: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (Donnelley Brothers Book 2) Page 14