by Alexis Nedd
“Go, Lia,” she says, as if she can read everything I’ve been thinking. “Do one thing for you. We’ll be here until second period if you need us.”
“We’re on your team,” Matt agrees. “Oh, and”—he reaches into his pocket for his own phone, opens it, and sends a quick text blast to a few choice Hillford West students—“the popcorn thing is go.”
I use the momentum from that roller coaster of pseudo-encouragement to propel myself out of the auditorium, down the hall, and toward the library to meet my fate. Or make it.
Now, listen, I’m not a monster. I know what I did here. A simple recounting of the events in order would make me the Asshole on that “Am I the Asshole” subreddit any day of the week. Kissing Jake was a glorious emotional impulse, and Connor was the furthest thing from my mind in the moment, but I knew then and now that I have to break up with him. I didn’t want to do it over text, because that’s mean, and I couldn’t do it over the phone, because I’m not a hundred years old, so I had to wait for free period on Monday.
I have intel that Connor’s spending free period in the library and spot him almost as soon as I walk in. He’s lounging on one of the couches with his feet stretched out on the cushions, his phone held up above his face as he texts with a fast-thumbed ferocity I am sure he’s never applied to any of his communication with me.
I’m not nervous. This is the nice thing to do. It’s not Connor’s fault we’re wildly incompatible people, and while it is my fault I kissed Jake, I know the only way I can make it right is to let him down before anything gets too serious.
“Hey,” I begin. Connor was so involved in texting, I’ve snuck up on him without intending to, and he almost drops his phone on his face before he shifts up and catches it on his chest.
“Hey, Lia,” he replies quickly. I’m the one who has to do something hard here, so why does he look nervous?
“I have to tell you something,” I try to start again. That seems like a marginally better way to begin than “we need to talk,” which gives even emotionally well-adjusted people palpitations.
“I actually have to tell you something too,” he says. He swings his feet off the couch to make room for me, but hell if I’m putting my butt where his shoes have been. Maybe it’s because I come from a shoes-off kind of household, but people putting things that touch outside dirt on indoor furniture make me want to gag.
“Okay. Do you want to go first or should I go first or . . . ?”
“I’m quitting Penny’s campaign.”
The first thing that comes into my head is Penny’s encouraging face telling me to dump Connor for myself. Buddy, I’m here to disappoint you; you’re not here to throw my best friend’s campaign into a bonfire.
“Were you planning on telling her that?”
What is she going to do? The election is right after Round 3, and the window for ballot changes ends . . . Shit, that’s today. That’s why he’s telling me now. He probably thinks it’s a courtesy to tell his girlfriend before he ruins her best friend’s chances at being class president.
“Not yet. I was hoping she’d be in the library, but, like, everyone left a few minutes ago.”
That might be because Matt sabotaged the popcorn machine in the student lounge to massively overload and texted everyone but Connor about it. I wanted an empty library for the conversation and he made sure I got one.
“Well you’d better tell her soon because the deadline for swapping anyone out is, like, now.”
“Yeah, I know. I just got back from Klein’s office.”
“What were you doing there without Penny? You need your candidate to make any changes to the—Oh. Oh. Seriously?” He has got to be kidding me. I know what this is about. Connor can see I’ve caught on and doesn’t look nearly as ashamed as he should. “Klein let you switch to Audra’s ticket when Penny wasn’t even there. What did you tell him, that she’d booted you off or that she already had paperwork to make her own switch?”
“Honestly I don’t know what Audra told him, but I’m with her now. On the ticket.”
Hmm, nope. I’m not buying that. Between the furtive texting, the last-minute backstabbing, and everything I know about Audra and Connor, this isn’t just politics. It never was.
“That’s not completely true, is it? You’re with her, period.”
“Do you want me to be?” He means it as an accusation, but I’m stunned because it’s the first time Connor’s ever asked me what I wanted. “’Cause I don’t think you care.”
Well, no. I definitely care that my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is dicking over Penny’s class president campaign because he’s pissed at me, if that’s what’s really going on here. I also care that Connor leaving me for Audra means that spoiled witch wins our incredibly stupid boyfight, but there’s brighter things on the horizon for me and I could be persuaded to forgive, especially if I get to wipe away my tears with the pages of my Wizzard contract.
“This shouldn’t be about me. You’re abandoning Penny a week before the election.”
Connor rolls his eyes. “I thought joining her campaign would mean we’d get to hang out. You’re, like, constantly running away from me. I never see you. We have lunch sometimes, but your head is, like”—he waves his phone-free hand in the direction of the window beyond the bookshelves—“way out there somewhere. I can’t even talk to you; you ignore all my calls—”
Step 2 is not going according to my plan. Don’t get me wrong, but at the end of this Connor and I will for sure be broken up. I just thought it would be calmer. More adult. With 99 percent less me telling him how I’ve actually thought and felt about him for the past two months, to my own detriment. Can’t put the cork back on now, though. Connor, let’s rock.
“Who calls people, Connor? I’m sixteen! I answer the phone for my grandpa in Vieques and the pizza guy, and that’s it! It’s weird that you do that! I want you to acknowledge that it’s weird.”
“I was just trying to be a good boyfriend! Sorry for doing everything right when you don’t appreciate anything ever.”
“I’d appreciate everything more if you asked if I wanted it first! You kept pushing your idea of a good boyfriend on me without asking what I like or if I’m comfortable with you, I don’t know, showing up outside my car every day with coffee I hate and walking me across the parking lot like a poodle.”
“You never said anything! How the hell was I supposed to know?”
He’s got me there. I didn’t tell Connor about my boundaries because I was sure I could keep them up all by myself. I let him throw himself against a wall for two months instead of telling him to stop or that there was an easier way of getting through. There’s no dimension where Connor and I make a good couple, but there’s hopefully at least one where I get better at communicating my needs.
I have been so focused on being one step ahead of everyone else. I thought it would protect me, but staying one step ahead only means no one can walk by my side. No wonder I underestimate people, up to and including my best friend and my boyfriend. And Matt and Jake. God, who’s next?
“You’re right,” I sigh. All the fighting energy deflates from me when I realize he has a point. It’s not a good enough reason to ditch Penny, but I may as well let Connor have this. “I didn’t talk to you about it because, well . . . I didn’t want to. You were way too much, and I shut down because it was easier to avoid you than put any effort into making this a real relationship. Now it’s over, I guess.”
Connor swivels on the couch to resume his lounge, complete with his feet on the cushions. If he’s upset, he’s hiding it behind a facade of not caring about anything, which is exactly what I deserve. I did the same thing to him.
“Yeah, it’s over. You’ll see Penny before I do; go ahead and tell her,” he says. His bored voice and his pouty voice are the same, and as bad as I feel for not giving Connor a chance, I don’t want to give in to his feigned nonchalance. I’m done pretending not to care.
“I don’t want to,” I sa
y as kindly as I can manage. “You should tell her yourself.”
As I’m turning to walk back through the library and meet back up with Penny and Matt, Connor calls out one last time.
“Wait. You said you had something to tell me.”
Right, I did. Telling him I came here to break up with him is pointless now, so I say the first thing that comes into my head.
“There was a popcorn accident with the machine in the student lounge. It’s cleaned up now.”
Allow me to accept my award for “worst parting line in history” in absentia, and please, have the plaque sent to the Team Fury green room at the Wizzard-Claricom Arena.
When I talked Step 2 over with Penny and Matt, I figured it would feel like just another task on my pre-victory to-do list. I didn’t care about my relationship with Connor, so ending it should have meant nothing. Did we not suck as a couple? Is the riddance not, in fact, good?
I’m supposed to be awash in catharsis by now, but knowing that Connor noticed how poorly I treated him makes me feel, ugh . . . It’s one of those multifaceted feelings. I’ve had a lot of these since I started talking to Jake, and I can’t say it’s my favorite part of being willingly vulnerable.
I feel like . . . I’ve been tweaking the sliders on a character creator trying to get everything right—the face, the body, the base skills and strengths—and when I finally thought I was done and hit confirm, the character rendered way uglier than I expected and can’t pass a skill check to save her life. Making her into something I can actually play is going to take a lifetime of grinding.
But that’s the point, right? Just like Jake said, I owe it to myself to try. It’s the only way I’m going to have a shot at the life I want.
Emotional honesty is exhausting, man. This is a lot for one forty-five-minute free period. I need to eat a baked good, hydrate, and get my butt to bio class. And warn Penny about Connor and Audra, that’s important too. I said he can tell her himself, but let’s be real; he’s not going to. She needs all the advance notice she can get to find a new VP candidate today.
I’m trying to figure out how I can smush everything that just happened into a few pithy sentences when I get to the library door. Penny and Matt said they’d wait for me in the auditorium, but as it stands I’ve only given them a few minutes to get to their next class. I wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t there anymore, but when I push the door to the library open, they’re standing right outside in the hallway—and so is Principal Klein, with my mom.
“Emilia, you’re okay. Thank god.” I’m barely out the door when my mom barrels past everyone else to give me a hug. This feels . . . extreme. Did Penny bring her over from the athletics office?
“I’m fine, Mom, it’s just a breakup. I’ll live. You didn’t have to come all the way over here.”
“Breakup? What breakup?” My mom pulls away far enough so I can see the confusion on her face, then buries my face back in her shoulder. “Your father offered to drive over, but I’m taking you home.”
I twist to look over at Penny and Matt, who both look like they’ve just come down with a stomach flu. This entire situation is wrong. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be panicking about, but I start anyway, just to stay on top of things.
Principal Klein, who seems to be the owner of the missing piece of information that completes this shitpuzzle, clears his throat.
“Miss Romero, the school received a call ten minutes ago. Several calls, actually, and there are more coming in as we speak. It appears your name and information appeared on a website calling for threats against you and your family.”
“It’s a misunderstanding,” my mom interrupts. “Dad’s working on getting it taken down. No one has any idea who these people are or how your picture ended up on the site.”
No. No, no, no. This can’t be happening, not now. We haven’t had a chance to move on to Step 3: wipe my social media and mass-untag any pictures that could tie me to friends and family members. We would have made it Step 1, but I thought we’d have more time. I should at least have been able to do an Insta story for school election day. I lock eyes with Penny over my mom’s shoulder. She needs to know about Connor. That’s the normal person problem I’m supposed to be dealing with right now. Not this; this wasn’t what we planned. It’s too soon. This was supposed to be a controlled demolition, not an unexpected explosion!
I open my mouth, but I can’t get any words out. Mom does, though. She looks ready to claw her way through an army of anonymous internet fiends and leave zero survivors.
“We’re going to get to the bottom of this. It’s ridiculous,” she says fiercely. “I’ve never even heard of Guardians League Online.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Team Unity Chat, Monday Night
BobTheeQ: I’m going to need everyone to calm down.
JHoops: she’s not answering my texts, she’s not online, she wasnt in school, i dont know where she is and you want me to CALM DOWN???
JHoops: i DMed matt and penny and they won’t answer me
ElementalP: our matty?
JHoops: different matt
shineedancer: you ever notice how every man in america is named matt
ElementalP: Speaking of, say it with me . . .
ElementalP: Where’s muddy?
BobTheeQ: I don’t know. Jake, it’s going to be OK. You can’t do anything to help KNOX right now. Her info is already down and I’m sure Fury and Wizzard are going to find out who organized the dox.
JHoops: everyone at school lost their shit. they put us in the gym because some idiot threatened to come on campus with a bomb. they all know Emilia is KNOX and i can’t talk to her or see her or ANYTHING
JHoops: even if i knew where she lived i can’t get there because my dad won’t drive me in the middle of the night
JHoops: i’m losing it you guys
JHoops: she was going to quit and i told her to keep playing. it’s my fault
[MUDD has entered the chat]
ElementalP: Fury will protect her, I can’t imagine what B will do when he finds out who doxxed his teammate
MUDD: lmao not likely
BobTheeQ: Hey man. We’re kind of in the middle of something.
MUDD: KNOX got DOXXED. sounds like a dr. seuss book.
JHoops: wtf this is serious
BobTheeQ: Muddy, this isn’t funny. I told you I’d give you one more chance to not be a jerk, are you sure this is the energy you want to bring to Unity tonight?
MUDD: what are you gonna sic baby jake on me again? im shaking.
shineedancer: bob I swear to god
MUDD: calm your tits i actually have good news.
JHoops: what news coming from you could possibly be good
MUDD: Fury dropped KNOX.
JHoops: oh my god
ElementalP: Jake . . . breathe
BobTheeQ: Where did you hear that? Did Wizzard post something? I don’t have any emails from them.
MUDD: you know its crazy, any other team would be celebrating. fury destabilized a week before the finals? in a diff world you’d all be thanking me but you’re too busy crawling up Jake’s ass to focus on what’s important
[LanguageBot]: LANGUAGE
MUDD: i always hated that bot
shineedancer: what did you do
MUDD: blame jake he’s the one who told me what to look for
MUDD: wahhh i’m baby jake i’d throw my shot at a million dollars off a cliff if emilia thought it was cool
MUDD: how many emilias do you think go to jake’s stupid high school? this wasn’t even hard
JHoops: it was you. You doxed her.
shineedancer: that’s illegal you MORON
MUDD: lol wait wait
MUDD: how quickly do you think i found the footage of you hooking up with emilia when i told arena security i lost my backpack and wanted to look at the tape of a “random corner near craft services.” which you ALSO told everyone about.
MUDD: hint: not long. took a pict
ure on my phone and figured fury’s captain would be interested to find out where his bitch DPS goes between matches
[LanguageBot]: Second warning, Matty
JHoops: it really is my fault
shineedancer: you threw Emilia to the wolves just so we’d have an easier time beating Fury?
BobTheeQ: No, B wouldn’t kick her for that. He needs her to win.
MUDD: see.
MUDD: that’s ur problem bob. you care more about keeping the band together and skipping around like a bunch of idiots than doing what it takes to win the tournament. of course you think fury wouldn’t kick her for that because you didn’t kick jake for it. lol jesus, do you learn?
BobTheeQ: I just got an email from Wizzard. Tabbing out but this isn’t over.
shineedancer: while bob’s gone i want to take the opportunity to say I literally never liked you
MUDD: i know babe:)
BobTheeQ: Back.
BobTheeQ: I’m only going to do this once.
[LanguageBot Disabled]
BobTheeQ: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MATTHEW
MUDD: @@@ @@@ @@@
JHoops: what else did he do? i’m going to choke him either way but I want to get my defense in order
ElementalP: here for your alibi
shineedancer: seconded
BobTheeQ: At this point, thirded.
BobTheeQ: Fury isn’t down a DPS for Round 3. We are.
shineedancer: oh helllll no
MUDD: turns out ole byunki would rather have a tested DPS in his comp than some chick who’s sneaking around with enemy!!!!!
MUDD: if it makes you feel any better it was his idea to doxx her. I just said i’d bury the photo if he felt like writing my name in as an alt for the finals
BobTheeQ: This is next level, Muddy.
ElementalP: you and Byunki deserve each other, you’re both snakes
MUDD: probably! idc we’re gonna be rich. good luck finding an alt in four days ya freakssss
MUDD: fuck you all and goodnight. MUDDY, OUT.
[MUDD has left the chat]
shineedancer: we’re boned we’re boned we’re dead in the water we’re boooned