by Amira Rain
“And I asked him how often, and he said, 'All the time.' Then I asked him why he didn't tell me this sooner, and he said because he's always felt like I've been 'holding him at arm's length.' And I said, 'Well, I know I have been doing that, but it's partly because I haven't wanted to get rejected, because I thought maybe you just pitied me,' and he said, 'That's crazy.'
“Then, I said, 'Well, then, you should know that I have some pretty strong feelings toward you, too.' And he asked what kind of strong feelings, and I just burst out and said I loved him, and I have for a good long while. And then I said, 'But I'm always going to love Jake's father, too, just so you know.'
“He said that's fine, because he can tell that I'm the kind of woman with a heart big enough to love two men. Then he corrected himself and said three men, including 'little man Jake.'"
Emma finally paused for breath and then exhaled with a smile playing around the edges of her mouth.
"I think our happily-ever-after has begun, Madison. Finally."
I was thrilled for her, and Eric and Jake, too. Now that things had been set in motion, I had a feeling that the three of them might become an official family before too long. I just hoped and prayed that there might still be a chance of that happening for Desmond and me and our baby, too.
Several more days went by and Desmond still didn't contact me. I didn't even run into him anywhere in the tower. Which maybe wasn't surprising, considering that Brianna told me that he'd been working unusually long hours on surveillance. I asked her if the Angels that had survived the battle, including their leader, Darius Archer, were planning another attack or something, but she said no.
"See, that's exactly why Desmond and a lot of his elite men have been gone so much. The Angels have been completely 'behaving' themselves, for lack of a better way to put it. They haven't been doing any surveillance on us, and they haven't been trying to attack any of our guards posted around city limits, like they normally do, at least daily, it seems like. They've just been completely quiet, just sticking to their various little encampments."
"So, do you think they've just finally given up on retaking Chicago?"
Brianna snorted. "Not a chance. Really...not a chance. That's why Desmond's so on edge. Even though they're not showing any obvious signs of planning another attack, he thinks something's up, and he's probably right."
"Well, what does he think they're doing?"
"Who knows? Maybe waiting for reinforcements from the east or something. All I know is that just watching and trying to figure out what they're up to has kept Desmond away from the tower a lot lately."
I wondered if that was only part of it. I wondered if the other part was that he was intentionally staying gone in order to avoid me, not wanting to run into me even in the elevator or something.
Two weeks or so after the battle, I had an afternoon doctor's appointment, and I sent him a text message informing him about it. You're welcome to come if you'd like, if you'd like to ask the doctor any questions about the baby's growth or development or anything. It's at Dr. Jansen's office on the twelfth floor at two.
An hour or so later, I received a response. I'll meet you there.
So, I told myself, he'd made a few decisions. He'd made up his mind to still be in the baby's life, but he didn't want to be in mine, as evidenced by the fact that he hadn't offered to meet me at my apartment and walk me down to the appointment or anything.
Apparently, that would have involved too much time for conversation. Or maybe just more time spent near me than he wanted. Can't win 'em all, I thought, fighting tears for what felt like the millionth time since I'd become pregnant.
Tears and hunger had become my constant companions. Fortunately, my morning sickness had all but disappeared. Now two-and-a-half months along, I'd gained two pounds, and I definitely had the beginnings of a tiny little baby bump. Enough of one that I was wearing jeans a size larger than I normally wore. Desmond bought me several pairs the day he'd taken me shopping.
On the day of my doctor's appointment, I was wearing a pair of my new larger jeans along with a fairly form-fitting top. I happened to be standing in the waiting room, surveying a cork board full of baby pictures, when Desmond arrived, viewing me from the side when he walked through the door. And whether it was because he spotted my tiny little baby bump, or whether he was just a bit thrown just to simply see me, period, he paused in his steps for just a second.
I wasn't quite sure, but I thought I saw his gaze go from my face to my stomach, and then back up again. Again I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a flicker of pain cross his handsome features. But really, I didn't know. Maybe it had just been a momentary grimace, because he was so dreading having to see me and spend a few minutes together.
Not knowing exactly what to say, I just said hello and took a seat in one of a dozen beige chairs in the waiting room, which was empty except for the two of us. Desmond just said hello in return and took a seat next to me. Both of us fell silent.
Because the situation wasn't awkward enough, almost immediately I caught a whiff of his masculine, woodsy scent, and it made me think about the dreams I'd been having recently. He'd been in all of them. Sometimes he'd just been holding me close. Sometimes we'd been making love. I missed that aspect of our relationship terribly.
Achingly. I hadn't missed just t
hat, though. I missed the Desmond of the first night we'd met, the man who'd been sweet, and charming, and fun. I'd seen that man again during our picnics in the park, our dinners out, and our breakfasts in bed. I missed the way Desmond had often looked at me during those blissful days, with affection and love clearly shining in his eyes.
I missed the way when he held my hand, he slowly caressed the back of it with his thumb. Maybe most of all, I longed for the feelings of complete safety and contentment that I'd felt around him during our happier times. I just wanted to feel those things again.
After an awkward stretch of time that felt like an hour, but was actually probably only a minute, if that, Desmond and I looked at each other and spoke simultaneously.
I said, "I miss you."
He said, "I haven't missed you at all."
CHAPTER 18
Stunned and hurt beyond words, I just looked at Desmond for a long moment.
"What did you just say?"
Frowning, he raked a hand through his dark hair.
"I said I haven't missed you at all. Just every day of the week, every hour of the day, and every minute of every hour. That's all. Just while I'm awake, and while I'm sleeping. Just enough to nearly make me insane."
Hardly even realizing what I was doing, I reached for one of his hands.
"Then, Desmond, why haven't you called me, or-"
"Because how can I ever, ever trust you now?"
He'd pulled his hand from mine, dashing all my hopes.
"How can I ever trust you after you joined the battle when I specifically asked you to stay in the tower?"
Now I was angry, not even sure why.
"Do you need to trust me? After all, it's not like we're in a relationship right now. You've made that perfectly clear."
"Well, you're right about that. I can't be in a relationship with someone I'm always going to be afraid of losing."
"So, you'd rather just never love, than love and be afraid of losing the one you love. Is that it?"
I knew damn well it was. Desmond wasn't about to admit it, though.
Raking a hand through his hair, he just ignored my question.
"I need to be able to trust the woman I love."
"Well, since you're acting as if you don't love me anymore, from my perspective, it seems like you only need to be able to trust me as far as my mothering skills go."
Desmond scoffed. "I don't trust your mothering skills."
If I was angry before, now I was borderline incensed.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you just recently put our baby in danger by putting yourself in danger with the Angel dragons."
He didn't, at least not during the fraction of a second that I paused before continuing.
"You know what? I know I'll be a good mother because I listen to my gut instincts and I do things out of love. Those are the most important things. That's why I fought, even though you didn't want me to. I fought because I love my grandma, and I wanted to be a part of making sure that the Angels never retake Chicago, and therefore never take Quincy and possibly hurt her.
“I'm protective. I'm strong, and I'm brave, and I have confidence in my abilities. I know I'll be a good mother, whether you think so or not."
While I'd been speaking, my damned misty eyes had come back full force. I figured I may as well settle in and get used to them. I still had over two trimesters left to go.
Furrowing his dark brows, Desmond had been frowning while I'd been saying what I had, and now he heaved a sigh with his eyes radiating pain.
"Madison, I'm so sorry. I should have never said I don't trust your mothering skills. I was just angry because you did put our baby in danger when you put yourself in danger by joining in the fight."
I'd gone from "cooling down" back to incensed in about three seconds.
"You know what, though, Desmond? Maybe I did put our baby in danger during the fight, but it was a calculated risk. I also put our baby in danger every time I get in a car, and every single time I step out my front door, for that matter. People can also have all sorts of accidents while within their own homes, so I suppose I put our baby at risk just whenever I'm in my very own apartment. Maybe I should just stay in bed full-time.
“Oh, but then, without ever moving or getting out of bed, I'd put myself at risk for obesity and blood clots, which would also be putting our baby in danger. Do you get my point? Do you see what I'm trying to say? Even at this very minute, my blood pressure is probably spiking, which is also putting our baby in danger. Basically, I'm in danger every second of the day."
Just then, a door on one side of the waiting room opened, and a nurse poked her head out and called my name.
More than ready to go back for my exam and get the hell away from Desmond, I rose from my chair, telling him that I'd have him called back to talk with the doctor afterward. I then strode off toward the nurse, having to use restraint not to stomp my feet.
As I'd suspected it might be, the nurse soon told me that my blood pressure was
just slightly above what it should be.
"Nothing really to worry about, but the files we requested from your old doctor indicate that it's usually on the lower side of normal."
Feeling a little sheepish, I cleared my throat. "Well, I...I just had a little dispute with my baby's father out in the waiting room. I may have gotten a bit overly worked up."
Just to the point that I'd become misty-eyed and tremblingly angry all in the same minute.
The nurse said that probably had been enough to do it, and that she understood.
"Do try not to allow yourself to get too upset, though. You'll want to watch your blood pressure, especially later on in your pregnancy."
I figured that not allowing myself to get "too upset" might depend on whether or not I allowed myself to spend further time with Desmond.
Dr. Jansen was a smiling older woman who was not only an MD but a certified midwife as well, such an unusual combination of expertise as to almost be unheard of, and this was part of the reason I'd chosen her. The other part was because she'd been part of a team of doctors who'd delivered Jake, part of a team and not just a single doctor because of his health problems that had been discovered during an ultrasound, and Emma just raved about her. She'd actually said she probably wouldn't have made it through her twenty-hour labor without Dr. Jansen's guidance and help.
My exam was routine and went well, with Dr. Jansen saying I seemed to be in great health, and once I'd gotten dressed, she led me into her luxuriously-decorated office. There, looking vaguely nervous, or maybe just uncomfortable, Desmond was waiting in an ornately-carved chair that looked a few sizes too small for his long, muscular frame.
After sitting down behind her large, polished mahogany desk, Dr. Jansen got right to it.
"Everything looks great with the pregnancy. I think we're right on track for a healthy baby. The only thing I will say is that we're really going to want to keep an eye on your blood pressure, Madison, as your pregnancy progresses."
I shot a sidelong look at Desmond, who had the decency to look slightly guilty, probably knowing that our little tiff out in the waiting room had been the cause of my high blood pressure reading.
Dr. Jansen went on to show us some laminated pictures of fetal development, and she told me what I could aim for as far as a healthy weight gain each trimester.
"You'll really want to make sure you're eating regular, nutritious meals."
That wouldn't be a problem. Even my heartache over losing Desmond hadn't dampened my appetite in the least.
After telling us a few other things, such as that at the start of my second trimester, she'd begin to work with us on something called a "customized birth plan," Dr. Jansen asked if either of us had any questions.
I asked her if I'd have an ultrasound soon.
"I'm kind of anxious to see the baby, even if it's still really tiny at this point."
Dr. Jansen said she understood, but that there was really no real reason to do one this early.
"I'm thinking maybe six weeks or so from now. And at that point, we'll probably be able to determine the gender of your baby, if the two of you would like to know."
I said that the two of us already did know.
"We both just have a gut feeling."
Dr. Jansen smiled. "Boy or girl?"
I glanced over at Desmond before looking at Dr. Jansen again.
"We're having a girl."
Desmond cleared his throat. "We're actually having a boy. I'm positive of it."
I looked over at him. "I hope he likes the name Sophie Alexandra."
Seeming to be one always in good spirits, Dr. Jansen burst into laughter.
"Well, I'll just let the two of you duke this out for the next six weeks. So long as it doesn't spike your blood pressure, Madison."
Once out of the doctor's office and into the main corridor of the twelfth floor, I told Desmond he didn't have to worry about taking the elevator back up with me, if that's where he was headed.
"I'm actually long overdue to visit my grandma, so I think I'm going to head there now. If you don't mind me putting our baby in 'danger' by driving a car, that is."
Desmond lowered his voice so as not to be heard by people coming from and heading to the elevator bay.
"I think that's a bit unfair. Forgive me for not wanting the mother of my child to be right in the midst of a battle between dragons and other dragons and sorcerers."
Realizing that I probably was being a bit unfair, I quietly apologized.
"I think you do take my point, though. Life is unpredictable, and although people can take steps to be as safe as possible, everything is a calculated risk to some degree, and I'm personally one to take a few of those risks. Also, for the record...I'm the type of person who thinks it's better to love, even if that leads to a loss eventually, than to never love at all. That's why I don't regret our time together, brief as it was."
With that, I headed over to one of the elevators, got in, and closed the doors, leaving Desmond in the corridor, staring after me.
What I'd said had been the truth. I didn't regret the time I'd spent with Desmond. For one thing, we'd created a child that I loved already, and I didn't regret that. For another thing, although I was currently in pain, that didn't negate the fact that for a short while, I'd experienced complete happiness with Desmond. I'd felt what it was like to be truly in love. I could never regret that experience, no matter how long th
e resulting heartache lasted. No matter that I had a feeling that might be a very long time.
Honestly, deep down, even while we'd been fighting in the corridor, all I'd really wanted to do was throw myself into his arms and just have him hold me. I was still extremely attracted to him, and I knew that would probably never change, but it was something even more than that why I wanted him to hold me. I just wanted to feel the connection and love that we'd once shared, and it was even something deeper still. It felt like some natural, primal urge to want to be held and comforted by the father of my child. I supposed that I'd just have to find a way to get over that.
I took the "back roads" way back to Quincy instead of the highway, because I was just in the mood to get lost in some music and pretty scenery. It was now June, and all the trees were a deep, vivid shade of green. The weather was perfect, too, high seventies and sunny.