"But I observe, my dear boy," said Versilov, and there was something nervous and sincere in his voice, that went to one's heart, as his words rarely did: "that you speak with too much heat on this subject. You said just now that you have taken to visiting ladies … of course, for me to question you … on that subject, as you expressed it… . But is not 'that woman' perhaps on the list of your new acquaintances?"
"That woman" … my voice suddenly quivered; "listen, Andrey Petrovitch, listen. That woman is what you were talking of with Prince Sergay this morning, 'living life,' do you remember? You said that living life is something so direct and simple, something that looks you so straight in the face, that its very directness and clearness make us unable to believe that it can be the very thing we're seeking so laboriously all our lives… . With ideas like that, you met the ideal woman and in perfection, in the ideal, you recognized 'all the vices'! That's what you did!"
The reader can guess what a state of frenzy I was in.
"All the vices! Oho! I know that phrase," cried Versilov: "and if things have gone so far, that you are told of such a phrase, oughtn't I to congratulate you? It suggests such a degree of intimacy, that perhaps you deserve credit for a modesty and reserve of which few young men are capable."
There was a note of sweet, friendly and affectionate laughter in his voice … there was something challenging and charming in his words, and in his bright face, as far as I could see it in the night. He was strangely excited. I beamed all over in spite of myself.
"Modesty, reserve! Oh, no, no!" I exclaimed blushing and at the same time squeezing his hand, which I had somehow seized and was unconsciously holding. "No, there's no reason! … In fact there's nothing to congratulate me on, and nothing of the sort can ever, ever happen."
I was breathless and let myself go, I so longed to let myself go, it was so very agreeable to me.
"You know… . Well, after all I will … just this once… . You are my darling, splendid father; you will allow me to call you father; it's utterly out of the question for a son to speak to his father—for anyone, in fact, to speak to a third person—of his relations with a woman, even if they are of the purest! In fact, the purer they are the greater the obligation of silence. It would be distasteful, it would be coarse; in short, a confidant is out of the question! But if there's nothing, absolutely nothing, then surely one may speak, mayn't one?"
"As your heart tells you!"
"An indiscreet, a very indiscreet question: I suppose in the course of your life you've known women, you've had intimacies? … I only ask generally, generally, I don't mean anything particular!" I blushed, and was almost choking with delight.
"We will assume there have been transgressions."
"Well then, I want to ask you this, and you tell me what you think of it, as a man of more experience: a woman suddenly says, as she is taking leave of you, casually, looking away, 'Tomorrow at three o'clock I shall be at a certain place … at Tatyana Pavlovna's, for example,'" I burst out, taking the final plunge. My heart throbbed and stood still; I even ceased speaking, I could not go on. He listened eagerly. "And so next day at three o'clock I went to Tatyana Pavlovna's, and this is what I thought: 'when the cook opens the door'—you know her cook—'I shall ask first thing whether Tatyana Pavlovna is at home? And if the cook says Tatyana Pavlovna is not at home, but there's a visitor waiting for her,' what ought I to conclude, tell me if it were you… . In short, if you … "
"Simply that an appointment had been made you. Then I suppose that did happen, and it happened to-day. Yes?"
"Oh no, no, no, nothing, nothing of the sort! It did happen, but it wasn't that; it was an appointment, but not of that sort, and I hasten to say so or I should be a blackguard; it did happen, but… ."
"My dear fellow, all this begins to be so interesting that I suggest … "
"I used to give away ten roubles and twenty-five roubles at a time to those who begged of me. For a drink! just a few coppers, it's a lieutenant implores your aid, a former lieutenant begging of you!"
Our road was suddenly barred by the figure of a tall beggar possibly, in fact, a retired lieutenant. What was most singular was that he was very well dressed for his profession, and yet he was begging.
3.
I purposely do not omit this paltry incident of the wretched lieutenant, for my picture of Versilov is not complete without the petty details of his surroundings at that minute, which was so momentous for him—momentous it was, and I did not know it!
"If you don't leave off, sir, I shall call the police at once," Versilov said, suddenly raising his voice unnaturally, and standing still before the lieutenant. I could never imagine such anger from a man so philosophic, and for such a trivial cause. And, note, our conversation was interrupted at the point of most interest to him, as he had just said himself.
"What, you haven't a five-kopeck piece?" the lieutenant cried rudely, waving his hand in the air. "And indeed what canaille have five kopecks nowadays! the low rabble! the scoundrels! He goes dressed in beaver, and makes all this to-do about a copper!"
"Constable," cried Versilov.
But there was no need to shout, a policeman was standing close by, at the corner, and he had heard the lieutenant's abuse himself.
"I ask you to bear witness to this insult, I ask you to come to the police-station," said Versilov.
"O-ho, I don't care, there's nothing at all you can prove! You won't show yourself so wonderfully clever!"
"Keep hold of him, constable, and take us to the police-station," Versilov decided emphatically.
"Surely we are not going to the police-station? Bother the fellow!" I whispered to him.
"Certainly we are, dear boy. The disorderly behaviour in our streets begins to bore one beyond endurance, and if everyone did his duty it would make it better for us all. C'est comique, mais c'est ce que nous ferons."
For a hundred paces the lieutenant kept up a bold and swaggering demeanour, and talked with heat; he declared "that it was not the thing to do," that it was "all a matter of five kopecks," and so on, and so on. But at last he began whispering something to the policeman. The policeman, a sagacious man, with apparently a distaste for exhibitions of "nerves" in the street, seemed to be on his side, though only to a certain degree. He muttered in an undertone, in reply, that "it was too late for that now," that "it had gone too far," and that "if you were to apologize, for instance, and the gentleman would consent to accept your apology, then perhaps… ."
"Come li-isten, honoured sir, where are we going? I ask you what are we hurrying to and what's the joke of it?" the lieutenant cried aloud: "if a man who is down on his luck is willing to make an apology … in fact, if you want to put him down … damn it all! we are not in a drawing-room, we are in the street! For the street, that's apology enough… ."
Versilov stopped, and suddenly burst out laughing; I actually imagined that he had got the whole thing up for amusement, but it was not so.
"I entirely accept your apology, Monsieur l'officier, and I assure you that you are a man of ability. Behave like that in the drawing-room; it will soon pass muster perfectly there, too, and meanwhile here are twenty kopecks for you; eat and drink your fill with it; pardon me, constable, for troubling you; I would have thanked you more substantially for your pains, but you are so highly respectable nowadays… . My dear boy," he added turning to me, "there's an eating house close here, it's really a horrible sewer, but one could get tea there, and I invite you to a cup … this way, quite close, come along."
I repeat, I had never seen him so excited, though his face was full of brightness and gaiety; yet I noticed that when he was taking the coin out of his purse to give it to the officer, his hands trembled, and his fingers refused to obey him, so that at last he asked me to take out the money, and give it to the man for him; I cannot forget it.
He took me to a little restaurant on the canal side, in the basement. The customers were few. A loud barrel-organ was playing out of tune, there was a s
mell of dirty dinner napkins; we sat down in a corner.
"Perhaps you don't know. I am sometimes so bored … so horribly bored in my soul … that I like coming to all sorts of stinking holes like this. These surroundings, the halting tune from 'Lucia,' the waiters in their unseemly Russian getup, the fumes of cheap tobacco, the shouts from the billiard-room, it's all so vulgar and prosaic that it almost borders on the fantastic… . Well, my dear boy, that son of Mars interrupted us, I believe, at the most interesting moment… . Here's the tea; I like the tea here… . Imagine Pyotr Ippolitovitch suddenly began to-day assuring the other lodger, the one marked with small-pox, that during the last century a special committee of lawyers was appointed in the English parliament to examine the trial of Christ before the High Priest and Pilate, with the sole object of finding how the case would have gone nowadays by modern law, and that the inquiry was conducted with all solemnity, with counsel for the prosecution and all the rest of it… . And that the jury were obliged to uphold the original verdict… . A wonderful story! That fool of a lodger began to argue about it, lost his temper, quarrelled and declared he should leave next day… . The landlady dissolved in tears at the thought of losing his rent … Mais passons. In these restaurants they sometimes have nightingales. Do you know the old Moscow anecdote à la Pyotr Ippolitovitch? A nightingale was singing in a Moscow restaurant, a merchant came in; 'I must have my fancy, whatever it costs, said he, 'what's the price of the nightingale?' 'A hundred roubles.' 'Roast it and serve it.' So they roasted it and served it up. 'Cut me off two-pennorth.' I once told it to Pyotr Ippolitovitch, but he did not believe it, and was quite indignant."
He said a great deal more. I quote these fragments as a sample of his talk. He repeatedly interrupted me every time I opened my mouth to begin my story. He began each time talking of some peculiar and utterly irrelevant nonsense; he talked gaily, excitedly; laughed, goodness knows what at, and even chuckled in an undignified way, as I had never seen him do before. He swallowed a glass of tea at one gulp, and poured out another. Now I can understand it, he was like a man who had received a precious, interesting, and long-expected letter, and who lays it down before him and purposely refrains from opening it, turning it over and over in his hands, examining the envelope and the seal, going to see to things in another room, in short deferring the interesting moment of perusal, knowing that it cannot escape him. And all this he does to make his enjoyment more complete.
I told him all there was to tell, of course, everything from the very beginning, and it took me perhaps an hour telling it. And indeed how could I have helped telling him? I had been dying to talk of it that afternoon. I began with our very first meeting at the old prince's on the day she arrived from Moscow; then I described how it had all come about by degrees. I left nothing out, and indeed I could not have left anything out; he led me on, he guessed what was coming and prompted me. At moments it seemed to me that something fantastic was happening, that he must have been sitting or standing behind the door, for those two months; he knew beforehand every gesture I made, every feeling I had felt. I derived infinite enjoyment from this confession to him, for I found in him such intimate softness, such deep psychological subtlety, such a marvellous faculty for guessing what I meant from half a word. He listened as tenderly as a woman. And above all he knew how to save me from feeling ashamed; at times he stopped me at some detail; often when he stopped me he repeated nervously: "Don't forget details; the great thing is, not to forget any details; the more minute a point is, the more important it may sometimes be." And he interrupted me several times with words to that effect. Oh, of course I began at first in a tone of superiority, superiority to her, but I quickly dropped into sincerity. I told him honestly that I was ready to kiss the spot on the floor where her foot had rested. The most beautiful and glorious thing was that he absolutely understood that she might "be suffering from terror over the letter" and yet remain the pure and irreproachable being she had revealed herself to be. He absolutely realized what was meant by the word "student." But when I was near the end of my story I noticed that behind his good-natured smile there were signs in his face from time to time of some impatience, some abruptness and preoccupation; when I came to the letter, I thought to myself:
"Shall I tell him the exact truth or not?" and I did not tell it, in spite of my enthusiasm. I note this here that I may remember it all my life. I explained to him, as I had done to her, that it had been destroyed by Kraft. His eyes began to glow; a strange line, a line of deep gloom was visible on his forehead.
"You are sure you remember, my dear boy, that that letter was burned by Kraft in the candle? You are not mistaken?"
"I am not mistaken," I repeated.
"The point is that that scrap of paper is of such importance to her, and if you had only had it in your hands to-day, you might… ." But what "I might" he did not say. "But you haven't it in your hands now?"
I shuddered all over inwardly, but not outwardly. Outwardly I did not betray myself, I did not turn a hair; but I was still unwilling to believe in the question:
"Haven't it in my hands! In my hands now? How could I since Kraft burned it that day?"
"Yes?" A glowing intent look was fastened upon me, a look I shall never forget; he smiled, however, but all his good-nature, all the feminine softness that had been in his expression suddenly vanished. It was replaced by something vague and troubled; he become more and more preoccupied. If he had controlled himself at that moment, as he had till then, he would not have asked me that question about the letter; he had asked it, no doubt, because he was carried away himself. I say this, however, only now; at the time, I did not so quickly perceive the change that had come over him; I still went on plunging, and there was still the same music in my heart. But my story was over; I looked at him.
"It's strange," he said suddenly, when I had told him everything to the minutest detail: "it's a very strange thing, my dear boy: you say that you were there from three o'clock till four and that Tatyana Pavlovna was not at home?"
"From three o'clock till half-past four exactly."
"Well, only fancy, I went to see Tatyana Pavlovna exactly at half- past four to the minute, and she met me in the kitchen: I nearly always go to see her by the back entrance."
"What, she met you in the kitchen?" I cried, staggering back in amazement.
"And she told me she could not ask me in; I only stayed two minutes, I only looked in to ask her to come to dinner."
"Perhaps she had only just come home from somewhere?"
"I don't know, of course not, though she was wearing a loose dressing-gown. That was at half-past four exactly."
"But … Tatyana Pavlovna didn't tell you I was there?"
"No, she did not tell me you were there … otherwise I should have known it, and should not have asked you about it."
"Listen, that's awfully important… ."
"Yes … from a certain point of view; and you've turned quite white, my dear; but, after all, what is there important in it?"
"They've been laughing at me as though I were a baby!"
"It's simply 'that she was afraid of your impulsiveness,' as she expressed it herself—and so she felt safer with Tatyana Pavlovna there."
"But, good God, what a trick! Think, she let me say all that before a third person, before Tatyana Pavlovna; so she heard everything I said! It … it's horrible to conceive of!"
"C'est selon, mon cher. Besides, you spoke just now of 'breadth' of view in regard to women and exclaimed 'Hurrah for breadth'!"
"If I were Othello and you Jago, you could not have done better… . I am laughing though! There can be no sort of Othello, because there have been no relations of the kind. And why laugh indeed? It doesn't matter! I believe she's infinitely above me all the same, and I have not lost my ideal! … If it was a joke on her part I forgive her. A joke with a wretched raw youth doesn't matter! Besides, I did not pose as anything, and the student—the student was there in her soul, and remained there in spite of
everything; it was in her heart, it exists there, and will always exist there! Enough! Listen, what do you think: shall I go to her at once to find out the whole truth or not?"
I said "I am laughing," but there were tears in my eyes.
"Well, my dear boy, go if you want to."
"I feel as though I were defiled in soul, from having told you all this. Don't be angry, dear, but, I repeat, one can't tell things about a woman to a third person; no confidant will understand. Even an angel wouldn't understand. If you respect a woman, don't confide in anyone! If you respect yourself don't confide in anyone. Now I don't respect myself. Good-bye for the present; I can't forgive myself."
"Nonsense, my dear boy, you exaggerate. You say yourself that 'there was nothing in it.'"
We came out on the canal bank and said good-bye.
"Will you never give me a real warm kiss, as a child kisses its father?" he said, with a strange quiver in his voice. I kissed him fervently.
"Dear boy … may you be always as pure in heart as you are now."
I had never kissed him before in my life, I never could have conceived that he would like me to.
Chapter 6
1.
"I'll go, of course!" I made up my mind as I hurried home, "I'll go at once. Very likely I shall find her at home alone; whether she is alone or with some one else makes no difference: I can ask her to come out to me. She will receive me; she'll be surprised, but she will receive me. And if she won't see me I'll insist on her seeing me, I'll send in word that it's most urgent. She will think it's something about that letter and will see me. And I'll find out all about Tatyana there … and what then? If I am not right I will be her servant, if I am right and she is to blame it's the end of everything! In any case it's the end of everything! What am I going to lose? I can lose nothing. I'll go! I'll go!"
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