"I did give it him, but he'll pay me back. They are rebellious, but I'll be quits with them."
"You are awfully upset by that pock-marked man. And do you know it strikes me that I'm the only one left you. All your hopes now are resting on me—aren't they?"
"Yes, Arkasha, that is so: you are the only friend left me; you are right in saying that!" he slapped me on the shoulder.
What could be done with a man so crude; he was utterly obtuse, and took irony for serious praise.
"You could save me from bad things if you would be a good comrade, Arkady," he went on, looking at me caressingly.
"In what way could I save you?"
"You know yourself what it is. Without me, like a fool, you will certainly be stupid; but I'd get you thirty thousand and we would go halves and you know how. Why, think who you are; you're nothing—no name, no position, and here you'd win first prize straight off: and having such a fortune, you'll know how to make a career!"
I was simply astounded at this attack. I had taken for granted that he would dissemble, but he had begun upon it with such bluntness, such schoolboyish bluntness. I resolved to listen to him from a desire to be open-minded and … from intense curiosity.
"Look here, Lambert, you won't understand this, but I'm consenting to listen to you because I'm open-minded," I declared firmly, and again I took a gulp at my glass. Lambert at once filled it up.
"I'll tell you what, Arkady: if a fellow like Büring had dared to abuse me and strike me in the presence of a lady I adored, I don't know what I should have done! But you put up with it, I'm ashamed of you: you're a poor creature!"
"How dare you say that Büring struck me!" I shouted, turning crimson. "It was more I struck him than he me."
"No, it was he struck you, not you struck him."
"You're lying, I trod on his foot too!"
"But he shoved you back, and told the footman to drag you away … and she sat and looked on from her carriage and laughed at you; she knows that you have no father and that you can be insulted."
"I don't understand this schoolboyish conversation, Lambert, and I'm ashamed of it. You are saying this to irritate me, and as crudely and as openly as though I were a boy of sixteen. You've been plotting with Anna Andreyevna!" I cried, trembling with anger, and still mechanically sipping my wine.
"Anna Andreyevna's a sly jade! She's humbugging you and me and all the world! I have been waiting for you, because you can best finish off with that woman."
"With what woman?"
"With Madame Ahmakov. I know all about it. You told me yourself that she is afraid of that letter you've got … "
"What letter … you're talking nonsense… . Have you seen her?" I muttered in confusion.
"Yes, I saw her. She's beautiful. Très belle; and you've taste."
"I know you've seen her but you did not dare speak to her, and I wish you did not dare to speak of her either."
"You're a boy, and she laughs at you—so there! We had a virtuous lady like that in Moscow. Ough, didn't she turn up her nose! but she began to tremble when we threatened that we would tell all we knew and she knuckled under directly; and we got all we wanted both ways, money, and—you understand? Now she's virtue unapproachable again in society—foo! my word, isn't she high and mighty, and hasn't she got a turn-out. Ah, you should have seen that little back room it happened in! You've not lived; if only you knew the little back rooms they don't shrink from … "
"I've thought that," I could not help muttering.
"They're corrupt to their very finger-tips; you don't know what they're capable of! Alphonsine lived in a house like that, and she was disgusted."
"I have thought of that," I chimed in again.
"But they beat you, and you complain … "
"Lambert, you're a blackguard, you're a damned beast!" I cried, suddenly pulling myself together and beginning to tremble. "I have dreamed all this, you were in it and Anna Andreyevna… . Oh, you damned brute! Did you really think I was such a scoundrel? I dreamed it because I knew that you would say this. And besides, all this can't be so simple that you can talk to me about it so simply and directly."
"He is in a rage, tut, tut, tut!" Lambert drawled, laughing and triumphant. "Well, Arkasha, my boy, now I've found out all I wanted to know. That's why I was so eager to see you. Listen, you love her I see, and want to revenge yourself on Büring. That's what I wanted to find out. I've been suspecting it all this time while I've been waiting to see you. Ceci posé, celà change la question. And so much the better, for she loves you too. So you must marry her without a moment's delay, that's the best thing; you can't do anything else, that's your safest position. And then remember, Arkady, that you have a friend in me of whom you can make any use you like. And that friend will help you, and will marry you: I'll move heaven and earth, Arkasha! And you can give your old friend thirty thousand for his trouble afterwards, eh? And I'll help you, don't doubt that. I know all the ins and outs of the business, and they shall give you the whole dowry, and you'll be a wealthy man with a career before you!"
Though my head was in a whirl I looked at Lambert with wonder. He was in earnest, and not merely in earnest in what he said, but in believing in the possibility of my marrying; I could see that he thoroughly believed in it himself, and, in fact, caught at the idea with enthusiasm. I saw, of course, too, that he was entrapping me like a schoolboy (I certainly must have seen it even then); but the thought of marrying her so thrilled me that though I wondered how Lambert could believe in such a fantastic notion, yet, at the same time I tried violently to believe in it myself, though I did not for an instant lose consciousness of the fact that it could not possibly come to pass. All this was mingled together at the same time.
"But is it possible?" I faltered.
"Why not? you will show her the letter, she'll be frightened and marry you to keep her money."
I made up my mind not to stop Lambert in his vile suggestions, for he disclosed them to me with such simplicity and did not suspect that I might be revolted by them; I did mutter, however, that I should not like to marry her simply by force.
"I don't want to use force for anything; how can you be so base as to think me capable of it!"
"Hoity-toity! Why, she'll marry you of her own accord: it won't be your doing, she'll be frightened and marry you herself, and she'll marry you because she loves you, too," Lambert put in hastily.
"That's a lie; you're laughing at me. How do you know she loves me?"
"Of course she does. I know it. And Anna Andreyevna assumes it. It's the truth in earnest. I'm telling you that Anna Andreyevna assumes it. And I'll tell you something else when you come to me, and you'll see that she does love you. Alphonsine has been at Tsarskoe; she found out there … "
"What could she find out there?"
"You come back with me; she'll tell you herself, and it will please you. Why, aren't you as good as anybody, you are handsome, you are well educated."
"Yes, I am well educated," I answered, hardly able to breathe; my heart was thumping and, of course, not only from the wine.
"You are handsome, you are well dressed."
"Yes, I'm well dressed."
"And you are good-natured… ."
"Yes, I'm good-natured."
"Why shouldn't she consent? Büring won't take her without money anyway, and you can deprive her of her money—so she'll be in a fright: you'll marry her and punish Büring. Why, you told me yourself that night after you were frozen that she was in love with you."
"Can I have told you that? I'm sure I did not tell you that."
"Yes, you did."
"I was delirious when I said that. I suppose I told you of the letter too?"
"Yes, you told me you had such a letter; I thought at the time: how can he let slip his luck if he has such a letter?"
"It's all a mad idea, and I'm not so stupid as to believe it," I muttered; "to begin with there's a difference in our ages, and besides I've no surname."
"
But she'll marry you though; she can't help marrying you when it's a question of so much money—I'll arrange that. And, what's more, she loves you. You know that old prince is very well disposed to you; through his protection, you know, you can form connections; and what does it matter if you have no name, nowadays nothing of that's necessary: once you pocket the money you'll get on and get on, and in ten years' time you will be such a millionaire that all Russia will resound with your fame, so you won't need a name then. Why, you can buy a title in Austria. And when you get married, keep her well in hand. They want a firm hand. If a woman's in love, she likes to feel a man's got a tight grip on her. Women like will in a man. When you frighten her with the letter, from that hour you will show her you have strength of will. 'Ah,' she'll say 'he's so young, and yet he has will.'"
I sat, as it were, spell-bound. I should never with anyone else have sunk to such an idiotic conversation. But in this case a sort of voluptuous craving drew me on to continue it. Besides, Lambert was so stupid and so low that no one could feel ashamed of anything before him.
"No, do you know, Lambert," I said suddenly: "you may say what you like, but a great deal of this is absurd; I have been talking to you because we were schoolfellows, and we need not be ashamed of saying anything to one another; but I would not have demeaned myself to it with anyone else for any consideration. And, first of all, tell me why you keep repeating so positively that she's in love with me? That was quite good what you said just now about having capital; but you see, Lambert, you don't know anything of good society: all this is still with them on the most patriarchal, family system, so to say, and, therefore, as so far she does not know my abilities and what a position I may achieve in the world, she'll be ashamed of me. But I won't conceal from you, Lambert, that there really is one point that might give one hope. You see: she might marry me from gratitude, because I might save her from a man she hates. And she is afraid of that man."
"Ah, you mean your father? Why, is he so much in love with her?" Lambert said, pricking up his ears with peculiar curiosity.
"Oh no!" I cried: "and how horrid you are, and at the same time how stupid, Lambert! Why, if he were in love with her, how could I want to marry her? After all we are father and son, that would be shameful. He loves my mother, my mother, and I saw how he held her in his arms. I did think at one time he loved Katerina Nikolaevna, but now I know for certain that though he may once have loved her, he has hated her for a long time now … and wants to revenge himself on her, and she's afraid of him, for I tell you, Lambert, he is very terrible when he begins to revenge himself. He becomes almost insane. When he's in a rage with her, he doesn't stick at anything. This is a feud in the old style on account of the loftiest principles. In our time we don't care a hang for any general principles; nowadays there are no general principles but only special cases. Ah, Lambert, you don't understand, you are as stupid as a post; I am talking to you about these principles, but I am sure you don't understand. You are awfully uneducated. Do you remember you used to beat me! Now I'm stronger than you are—do you know that?"
"Arkasha, come home with me! We'll spend the evening and drink another bottle, and Alphonsine will sing to the guitar."
"No, I'm not coming. Listen, Lambert, I've got an 'idea.' If I don't succeed and don't marry, I shall fall back on the 'idea'; but you haven't an idea."
"All right, all right, you shall tell me about it, come along."
"I am not coming," I said, getting up. "I don't want to, and I'm not coming. I shall come and see you, but you are a blackguard. I'll give you thirty thousand, but I am cleaner and better than you… . I see, you want to deceive me all round. But I forbid you even to think of her: she's above every one, and your plan is so low that I really wonder at you, Lambert. I want to be married, that's a different matter; but I don't want money, I despise money. I wouldn't take it if she begged me to on her knees … but marriage, marriage, that's a different matter. But you know that was quite right what you said, that one ought to keep a tight hand on her. It's a good thing to love, to love passionately, with all the generosity of which a man is capable, and which can never be found in a woman; but to be despotic is a good thing too. For, do you know, Lambert, a woman loves despotism. You understand woman, Lambert. But you are wonderfully stupid in everything else. And do you know, Lambert, you are not at all such a blackguard as you seem, you're simple. I like you. Ah, Lambert, why are you such a rogue? What a jolly time we might have if you weren't! You know Trishatov's a dear."
These last incoherent phrases I muttered in the street. Oh, I set all this down in every trivial detail, that the reader may see that with all my enthusiasm and my vows and promises to reform, and to strive for "seemliness," I was capable then of falling so easily and into such filth. And I swear that if I were not fully convinced that I am no longer the same, but have gained strength of character by practical life, I should not have confessed all this to the reader.
We went out of the shop, and Lambert supported me slightly, putting his arm round me. Suddenly I looked at him, and saw in his fixed, terribly intent and perfectly sober eyes the very same expression as I had seen that morning when I was frozen and when he had led me to the cab with his arm round me in the same way, and listened, all eyes and ears, to my incoherent babble. Men who are drunk but not quite hopelessly drunk, sometimes have moments of absolute soberness.
"I'm not going home with you for anything," I declared firmly and coherently, looking at him sarcastically and putting aside his arm.
"Come, nonsense. I'll tell Alphonsine to make tea for us, come!"
He was horribly confident that I should not get away; he put his arm round me and held me with a sort of relish, as his prey, and the prey was what he needed of course, that evening and in that condition! It will be clear later why.
"I'm not coming!" I repeated. "Cab!"
At that instant a sledge drove up and I jumped into it.
"Where are you off to? What are you about!" yelled Lambert, clutching at my fur coat in extreme dismay.
"And don't dare to follow me!" I cried, "don't drive after me." At that very instant the sledge started, and my coat was torn out of Lambert's hands.
"You'll come all the same!" he shouted after me in an angry voice.
"I shall come if I want to. I can do as I like!" I retorted, turning round in the sledge.
2.
He did not follow me, of course, because there did not happen to be another sledge at hand, and I succeeded in getting out of his sight. I drove on as far as the Haymarket, and there I stopped and dismissed the sledge. I had a great desire to walk. I was not conscious of being tired or of being much intoxicated, I felt full of vigour; I was aware of a fresh flow of energy, of an exceptional readiness for any sort of enterprise, and of innumerable pleasant ideas in my brain.
My heart was thudding violently and loudly, I could hear every beat. And everything seemed so charming, so easy. When I passed the sentry at the Haymarket I felt inclined to go up and kiss him. There was a thaw, the market-place was dingy and evil-smelling, but I was delighted even with the marketplace.
"I am in the Obuhovsky Prospect," I thought, "and afterwards I shall turn to the left and come out in the Semyonovsky Polk. I shall take a short cut, that's delightful, it's all delightful. My coat is unbuttoned, how is it no one snatches it off, where are the thieves? They say there are thieves in the Haymarket; let them come, I might give them my fur coat. What do I want with a fur coat? A fur coat is property. La propriété c'est le vol. But what nonsense, and how nice everything is! It's nice that the snow is melting. Why frost? There's no need of a frost at all. It's nice to talk nonsense too. What was it I said to Lambert about principles? I said there were no general principles, but only special cases; that was stuff, utter stuff! And I said it on purpose, out of swagger. I am a little ashamed, but after all it doesn't matter, I'll make up for it. Don't be ashamed, don't distress yourself, Arkady Makarovitch. Arkady Makarovitch. I like you. I like you very much, in f
act, my young friend. It's a pity you're a little rascal … and … and … ah, yes … ah!"
I suddenly stood still, and my heart began to ache with ecstasy again.
"Good God! what was it he said? He said that she loves me. Oh, he is a scoundrel, he told a lot of lies, that was to make me stay the night with him. But perhaps not. He said Anna Andreyevna thinks so too… . Ba! But Darya Onisimovna might have found out something about it for him; she pokes her nose into everything. And why didn't I go to him? I should have found out everything! H'm! He has a plan, and I had a presentiment of it all, every bit of it. The dream. A bold scheme, M. Lambert, only let me tell you it won't be so. Perhaps it will though, perhaps it will! And can he bring off my marriage? Perhaps he can. He is naïve and he believes it. He is stupid and impudent like all practical people. Stupidity and impudence combined are a great force. But confess, you were really afraid of Lambert, Arkady Makarovitch! And what does he want with honest people? He says so seriously: 'There isn't an honest man here!' Why, what are you yourself? And what am I! Don't scoundrels need honest men? In swindling honest men are more needed than anywhere. Ha! ha! You did not know that till now, Arkady Makarovitch, you were so innocent. Good God! What if he really were to bring about my marriage!"
I stood still again. Here I must confess something stupid (as it is all so long ago): I must confess that I had long before been wishing to be married—at least not wishing, and it would never have happened (and I can guarantee it never will in the future), but more than once—a great many times in fact—I had dreamed how splendid it would be to be married, especially as I was falling asleep at night. I began to dream of it when I was about sixteen. I had a schoolfellow of my own age at the high school, called Lavrovsky, such a quiet, sweet, pretty boy, not particularly distinguished in any other way, however. I hardly ever talked to him. One day we happened to be sitting side by side, and he was very dreamy, and suddenly he said to me: 'Ah, Dolgoruky, what do you think, we ought to be married now; yes, really when should we be married if not now; now would be the very best time, and yet it's impossible.' And he said that so frankly. And I agreed with it at once entirely, for I already had visions of something of the sort. For several days afterwards we met and talked, as it were, in secret, only of that however. But afterwards, I don't know how it happened, but we left off talking to each other and drifted apart. And from that time I began to dream of marriage. This, of course, would not have been worth mentioning, only I wanted to show how far back this feeling sometimes goes… .
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