She showed the papers to Bill that night and he said they looked fine, but he made a couple of suggestions, about the escrow, and how to handle the deposit, and suggested she talk to her divorce lawyer about them. And he warned her to be careful that she got her fair share out of the proceeds from the apartment. And then he asked her something he'd been wondering for a while, but hadn't wanted to bring it up, because he didn't want to upset her.
“What about spousal support? Has he offered you anything? And support for the baby?”
“I haven't asked for anything,” she said quietly. “I have my salary. And he's already told me that he won't support the baby. He's renouncing all his rights before it's born, I told you that.” She looked upset talking about it. “I don't want anything from him.” If he didn't want her, and the baby, then she didn't want his money. But Bill thought her sentiments were both noble and stupid.
“What if you get sick? If something happens to you?” he asked her gently.
“I have insurance,” she said, shrugging. And then he turned to her with a look of quiet exasperation.
“Why are you letting this guy off so damn easy, Adrian? Are you still in love with him? He deserted you. He owes you something, and the child.” And then he felt his heart sink as she shook her head and reached out to touch him.
“You know, I'm not in love with him. But I was married to him … he was my husband … he still is technically …and,” she almost gulped on the word, after everything Bill had done for her, but it was still the truth, “he's the baby's father.” She didn't want to hurt him, but it was true, and it meant something to her, and he knew it.
“That means a lot to you, doesn't it?”
She looked down at her hands and then looked up at him again as she nodded and spoke very softly. “Yes, it does. Not a lot. But something. It's his child, Bill. What if he comes to his senses one day? He has a right to something …some part of it … I don't want to slam all the doors on him, in case one day he wants that.”
“I don't think he ever will.” Bill spoke just as quietly. He didn't want to fight with her, and as he listened to her, he wondered if there was any point in his fighting Steven. Bill didn't want to get hurt. But he didn't want to lose her, or the baby, either. “I think you're dreaming if you think he'll come back. I think he's made his position clear.”
“He might change his mind.”
“Do you want him to, Adrian? Do you want him back?”
He looked her right in the eye and she shook her head, and he believed her. And without another word, he took her in his arms. “I'll die if I ever lose you.” She knew that, and she would have died if she lost him, too, and yet …there was still the specter of Steven….
“I don't want to lose you either.”
“You won't.” And then he smiled. As he held her, he could feel the baby kicking.
“Thank you for being so good to me.” “Don't be silly.” He kissed her and they sat together for a long time, but their conversation worried him afterward. He knew how strong her loyalties were, and even though she loved him, to her it was still important that Steven was really the baby's father. And Bill knew that there was nothing he could do to protect himself anymore. He just had to love her, and take his chances.
THE APARTMENT SOLD QUICKLY AND SIMPLY, AND IN the first week of November, the deal closed, and she and Bill packed up her things and moved them to his place across the complex. It was all very simple, and much less emotional than she had feared. There was nothing left to hold on to, or feel sentimental about. Steven had taken it all with him five months before, even the album with their wedding pictures. She wondered what he had done with it, and figured he had probably thrown it out. It was odd. It was so completely gone, everything had disappeared as though nothing had ever happened. She tried to explain it to Bill as she put the rest of her belongings in his guest room.
“It's almost as if we were never married. I feel as though I never knew him.” And yet at the same time, Bill knew that her loyalties to Steven were tremendous.
“Maybe you didn't. There are people like that sometimes.” But he was happy to see that she didn't look depressed. She was getting a little tired these days, but she still felt pretty well. She was seven months pregnant, and they were both excited about seeing the boys over Thanksgiving. They were due to come out in two weeks. But the week before, she had to go to the doctor. And this time, Bill came. He had wanted to come for months, but she always seemed to go when he had a crisis on the show or a major network meeting. But this time, he had told his secretary that he would be gone for two hours no matter what came up, and he drove Adrian to see her doctor. Shortly after meeting Bill she had switched to a woman doctor who had been recommended by several friends, and Adrian really seemed to like her. And when Bill met her he could see why. Jane Bergman was intelligent and direct and treated the entire process as though it was normal and natural, and she reassured them both that she had every reason to believe that the birth would be normal and easy. She also seemed perfectly comfortable with the fact that they were living together and not married. One of the reasons why Adrian had changed was because her previous doctor had known about Steven and there would have been too many questions. This woman had no idea that the baby wasn't Bill's, but someone else's. And she let Bill listen to the baby's heart, and he beamed as he heard it.
“It sounds like a hamster,” Bill said seriously, listening to the baby's heartbeat.
“That's a nice thing to say,” Adrian laughed. But Bill was extremely moved by having heard it, and touched by her vulnerability as she lay there with her enormous belly. Dr. Bergman said the baby was a good size, and recommended they take a Lamaze class. They both knew what it was, but Adrian wasn't sure what it entailed, and it had been more than eight years since Bill had done one with Leslie.
“It might make a difference,” she said easily. She was a woman about Bill's age, and she seemed very competent to him, and he was glad he'd come. He liked her. And he said as much to Adrian as they drove back to the office.
“I wish I could have it at home,” Adrian said longingly, looking out the window.
“Oh, Jesus,” Bill groaned. “Don't even say that.”
“Why?” She sounded plaintive, and almost childish, and she was making him extremely nervous. “It would be so much nicer.”
“And so much more dangerous. Be nice, and listen to Dr. Bergman. We'll do the Lamaze class right after the boys come.” That would give them a month to do it before the baby came. But he had noticed lately that Adrian was starting to get very nervous. For seven months she had managed to avoid it and pretend she wasn't pregnant, but suddenly it was coming close, and she had to face it. She asked Bill a lot of questions, about the boys when they were born, and she had started reading the books. But he suspected that she was afraid of the pain and possible complications. And to him, the baby was starting to look enormous.
“I love you,” he reminded her as he left her in the hallway outside the newsroom.
“Hi, Harry!” one of the editors called out as he hurried past, and Bill stared at Adrian in confusion.
“Who's Harry?” She started to laugh, remembering the story she had told months before when they had pressed her.
“You are. I told them you were Harry …and you were a widower, your wife had been one of Helen's best friends …” She put on a serious face as she summarized his soap, and he started to roar with laughter.
“You're impossible. Go back to work, and stop worrying about the baby.”
“Who's worried?” She pretended to be glib, but he knew she was worried in spite of what she said, and he didn't blame her. She had the added stress of going through a divorce while she was pregnant.
“See you later, sweetheart.” He kissed her again and hurried back to work, after promising to pick her up after the evening show, and take her out to dinner.
They went to Le Chardonnay, and they had a wonderful meal and a delightful evening. He had just won anot
her award for the show, and there had been a lot of press about it, and he was very pleased about it. And she was proud of him, too, and he insisted on giving her credit.
“You keep the ratings up with your crazy ideas.” She fed him a lot of wild plots for the show, and he was still hoping she'd come to work for him after the baby. And they were laughing and talking about it, as a couple sat down at the next table. And Bill didn't know what had happened, but Adrian's face suddenly went pale as she stared at them. She was looking at the man as though she'd seen a ghost, and he looked horrified when he saw her. And then he turned away and continued to talk to the woman he was with. She was young and sleek, and attractive, and she looked very athletic. But she wasn't half as pretty as Adrian, although she did look a few years younger. But Bill wasn't looking at the other girl, he was looking at Adrian across the table. And then he turned and realized who the man was next to them. It was Steven.
She was still staring at him, and without a word to Bill, she leaned forward to speak to her husband.
“Steven …” She reached out toward his table, as though to catch his attention, but only the girl turned to look at her, wondering what she wanted. Steven turned away, turning his back on her, pretending to call the waiter. “Steven …” She said his name more clearly, and the girl looked as though she didn't know whether to smile or back away, the expression on Adrian's face was so odd, and so upset, and she looked so hugely pregnant.
And then, as though he knew he couldn't avoid her any longer, he spoke to the girl in a harsh voice as he stood up. “Let's go. The service in this place is dreadful.” He was on his feet and halfway to the door before the girl could say another word, and she looked at Adrian in confusion and dismay as though to apologize, and all she could say was “I don't think he heard you.”
“Yes, he did,” Adrian said, her face pale as ice, her hands clammy. “He heard me perfectly.” And there was absolutely nothing wrong with the service.
“I'm sorry.” The girl nodded and dashed after him, and Adrian saw her talking to him, but he yanked her out the door and they were gone, as she sat there shaking. Bill was paying the check, and he also looked ashen. He didn't say a word, and they walked outside into the cool air, as Adrian caught her breath. She was feeling sick, after their wonderful dinner. And as they reached the street, they were just in time to see him drive away with the girl in his Porsche.
“Why did you speak to him?” Bill asked when they got into the woody. “Why did you bother?” He looked upset, and she turned to him with anger in her eyes. She was in no mood to argue with him, or with anyone. Steven had made himself abundantly clear, as though he hadn't already.
“I haven't seen him in five months, and I was married to him for two and a half years. Is it so odd that I would say something to him?”
“Given the way he's treated you, yes, it is, don't you think? Or were you going to thank him for all the nice things he's done for you lately?” The truth was, Bill was jealous, and he hated himself for making a fuss over it. But he had hated the look in her eyes, the anguish on her face, as she reached out to him. And he hated Steven for hurting her. He wanted him out of her life forever.
“Don't pick on me.” She started to cry, and she looked ghostly pale in the car as she rubbed her stomach. Even the baby was upset. It was kicking violently, and all she wanted to do was go home and lie down and forget him, but she knew she couldn't. “He didn't even look at me.”
“Adrian,” Bill said through clenched teeth, “the guy is a total shit. How long is it going to take you to accept that? A year? Five? Ten? You keep waiting for him to come back and throw roses at you and the baby. And I keep telling you, he's not going to. Did you get the message tonight? He wouldn't even speak to you, he got up and walked out. This is not a man who gives a damn about you or your baby.” And Bill suspected that he never had, although he didn't say that.
“How can he do that? How can he not feel anything for his own child? He's repressing it, but sooner or later he'll have to face it.”
“The only one who'll have to face anything is you. He's gone, baby. Forget him.” She didn't answer, and they drove the rest of the way home in silence, but when they got home, they started arguing again, and Adrian went to bed in tears in the guest room, and the next morning she was subdued as they met over breakfast in the kitchen. He didn't say a word to her. He let her make her own breakfast for once, and then finally looked at her over the sports page.
“What exactly is it you're expecting from him? Why don't you clarify it for me, just so I understand once and for all what it is you want from him.” And what he was up against from the competition.
“From Steven?” He nodded. “I don't know. I just expect him to deal with the fact that we're having a baby. He doesn't even know what he's rejecting. I can accept the fact that he's divorcing me, because he thinks I betrayed him. But I can't accept the fact that he's turning his back on his own child. One day he'll regret it.”
“Of course he will. But that's the price he'll have to pay. And maybe he'll never come to his senses. And how can you say you betrayed him? Did you fool him? Did you get pregnant on purpose?”
“Absolutely not.” She looked insulted. And it was a question he had never asked her but always wondered. He wondered if that was why she felt so guilty. “I knew how strongly he felt about it and I was always careful.”
“I thought so.” He almost smiled, he loved her so much, and he hated their arguments, but at least there weren't many, and they were only on one subject. Steven. “But it doesn't hurt to ask. Go on. What do you want from him?” He really wanted to know, for his own sake, and for hers. They needed to face it.
“I just want him to acknowledge the baby. To admit that it's his, to deal with that fact. I think he's run away from it since the beginning. I want him to see it and say okay, I understand, it's mine but I really don't want it … or yes, it is, I was wrong, I love my baby. But I don't want him to run away from me forever, because I keep thinking he'll come back at some point, and be sorry, and want us back, and then he'll screw up my life, and the baby's, and yours and his own, and whatever I do, I'll always feel guilty. I need to feel free of him, completely, before I can really go on with my life, and in order to feel that, I need him to address the issue squarely or at least talk to me, and explain why he feels the way he does. He hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since he left the apartment.” It was the first time she had stated it so clearly and it finally made sense. She couldn't really believe he was gone for good and she wanted direct confirmation from him that he understood what he was giving up and that he really meant it. It made sense, but Bill didn't think she was going to get it. Steven wasn't that kind of person, and he had already shown her that, for five months and the night before. He was going to run away, divorce her through attorneys, and give up the baby without ever seeing it. That was the way he was, and she just had to face it.
“I don't think you're going to get anything more out of him than you've gotten. He just can't deal with it directly.”
“How do you know that?”
“Look at him last night. Is that a guy with guts who's going to confront you? He practically ran out the door, ten feet ahead of his girlfriend.”
“Is that what she was?” She looked intrigued and he looked annoyed.
“How the hell do I know?”
“She looked very young,” she said thoughtfully, and he groaned.
“So do you, because you are. So stop that, and what difference does it make anyway? The point is that you have to let go of him, Adrian. That's the real issue.”
“But what if he comes back later?” It was something that worried her a lot. She was sure he would come back into her life after she had the baby.
“You deal with it when it happens.”
“But the baby has a right …”
“I know, I know.” He slammed a fist on the kitchen table and she jumped. “The baby has a right to its natural father, right? I've
heard it before. But what if his or her 'natural father' is an asshole? Then what? Wouldn't it be simpler to just let it go now?”
“What if Leslie had told you she wanted to leave you when she was drunk? Wouldn't you feel an obligation to see how she felt when she was sober?”
“Maybe. Why?”
“Because I think Steven has been drunk on fear since the days I told him I was pregnant. And as soon as he calms down, stops panicking, and sobers up, he's going to feel different.”
“Maybe not. Maybe he really does hate kids. Maybe you should listen to him. Maybe he means it.”
“I just want to know from him that he knows what he's doing.”
“Maybe he doesn't. Are you going to hold your life up forever?” More to the point, was she going to hold theirs up? But he also knew it wasn't easy just forgetting a man with whom she was having a baby, and to whom she had been married for two and a half years before she got pregnant.
“You think I'm stupid to give a damn, don't you?”
“No.” He sighed and sat back in his chair at the kitchen table. “I just think you're wasting your time. Just forget him.”
“I feel like I'm stealing something from him,” she explained, and caught his attention. “I'm taking his baby away from him, and giving it to you, because you want it. But what if he comes back and says, hey, that's mine, give it back to me …what then?” It was a good point, but Bill still didn't think he'd ever change his mind about her or the baby. He was a fool not to, but Bill sincerely believed that he wouldn't.
“You'll just have to wait and see. We're not going anywhere. We're not moving to Africa with the baby.” No, but they were getting more and more involved with each other, and he knew it. He already felt as though the child were his, and in some ways, he knew that Adrian was trying to protect him from getting hurt and Steven from making a mistake that he would regret forever. “You can't be responsible for everyone. Let each of us make our own decisions, and if they're lousy decisions, that still isn't your problem.” And then he beckoned to her, as he put aside his paper. “I love you … I want the baby …and if he comes back and changes his mind, we'll just have to face it. What's the worst that could happen anyway? He gets visiting rights? That's not so awful. We could live with that,” and then, as he looked at her, he felt a whisper of terror. “Or would you go back to him yourself?” he asked her, and held his breath as he waited for the answer. She shook her head, but there was the slightest hint of hesitation.
Heartbeat Page 26